The Happiness Project

Just the thought of this makes me unhappy: unjust accusation.

I have many odd quirks, and one quirk is that I can’t stand the theme of unjust accusation. That means I can’t read any book, or watch any movie or play, that deals with that subject. No Atonement, Othello, Oliver Twist, The Fugitive, The Shawshank Redemption, etc. A brilliant friend of mine just wrote a novel that looks fantastic, Scottsboro, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to read it yet -- because it's about the Scottsboro case! I just can’t bear to see someone unjustly accused.

I never thought about what this meant about my own character – until yesterday.

Something happened that raised the possibility that I might have screwed something up. I don’t think I did screw up, but my reaction gave me pause: at the mere hint of the possibility that I might have screwed up, I became furious, defensive, and combative.

I wanted to prove that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and to attack anyone who might suggest that I had.

In a work environment, I’ve trained myself to be better about this. A long time ago, when I started working, my father told me, “If you’re willing to accept blame, people will give you responsibility,” and I’ve found that to be absolutely true. Somehow, at work, I find this less difficult, but in my private life, I absolutely hate to be thought in the wrong, even about the smallest things.

My reaction, I see, is distinctly unhelpful. Instead of being defensive, I want to be open to correction. Instead of being angry, I want to be light-hearted. Instead of being belligerent, I want to be constructive.

As I learned in a work context, people are made anxious by free-floating blame that hasn’t settled. Once someone says, “I messed up,” “That was my fault,” or “I’m sorry,” everyone can relax, forgive, and move on. Getting angry or accusatory, though, makes things worse.

I need to remind myself of this more often. I don’t want to take the blame for things I didn’t do, but I do need to follow my Ninth Commandment to “Lighten up” (see left column). I’m not perfect, I do make mistakes, it’s not a big deal.

It's hard for me to remember this in the moment when I'm feeling unjustly accused. Still working on it.

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I’m going to start sending out a short monthly newsletter. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

The happiness possibility of comics.

Ever since I read Scott McCloud’s brilliant Understanding Comics, I’ve been intrigued by the possibilities of comics. He made an outstanding case for how the comics form allows writers to do things that they couldn’t otherwise do, and his book shows how well this could be done.

I’ve always been fascinated by the ways in which form can be used to shape the way that readers learn. My own books use different structures to hammer my thoughts home in a vivid way.

I hadn’t thought about the possibilities of comics for my own writing, however, until recently. At the recommendation of a friend, I read the Sandman comics, but had decided that comics just wasn’t a form that appealed to me.

Then I read Daniel Pink’s fabulous career-guide-in-comics-form, The Adventures of Johnny Bunko. It showed how effectively the non-fiction comic could be used to persuade readers. In a very few number of pages, Daniel Pink was able to make his points clearly, engagingly, and very memorably.

Through the magic of the internet, one thing led to another, and two weeks ago, I ended up having a conversation with Daniel Pink about comics and how he’d decided to write his book in comics form.

During our conversation, he gave me the most thrilling idea: I should include a comics section in THE HAPPINESS PROJECT! Yes, absolutely, I must do that!

I went into a kind of psychological shock at the thought. I desperately wanted to do it – but how? I couldn’t imagine how to bring it about. I envisioned a very short section, between 10-16 pages. But how? What would the comics section be about? Who would draw it?

“Ummm….so how would you find an artist?” I asked Daniel Pink. He gave me several good ideas. I followed them. Last week, I met with an artist who seems great – though we’re still in the very early stages of seeing whether this will work.

This means a lot of work, hassle, expense, and time, but also, I hope, tremendous fun. I’m so happy to be undertaking this experiment.

A few years ago, it would never have occurred to me to try something like this, and I could feel all my resolutions grinding together to make this kind of experiment possible:
“Force myself to wander”
“Read at whim”
“Follow my interests”
“Reach out”
“Only connect”
“Embrace novelty and challenge”
“Ask for help”
“Make time for projects”
“Look for opportunities to collaborate”
“Make books”

Resolutions! After all this time, I’m still astonished on how effectively they work to make me happy, whenever I faithfully keep them. I think again of the 1764 journal entry of Samuel Johnson, who, as an inveterate resolution-maker and resolution-breaker, is one of the patron saints of those who make resolutions:

“I have now spent fifty-five years in resolving; having, from the earliest time almost that I can remember, been forming schemes of a better life. I have done nothing. The need of doing, therefore, is pressing, since the time of doing is short. O GOD, grant me to resolve aright, and to keep my resolutions.”

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I’m going to start sending out a short monthly newsletter. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

It’s Friday: time to think about YOUR Happiness Project. This week: Don't worry about drinking enough water.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I was astonished to see that the goal-tracking site 43 Things reports that "Drink more water" is in the Top Ten list of people's goals. This is a waste of precious resolution-making energy! A person only has so much self-discipline (studies back this up), so you should choose your resolutions carefully – and in most circumstances, you just don’t need to worry about drinking enough water. If you're training for a marathon, or you live in the desert, you need to pay more attention to drinking water -- but I see a lot of people worrying about it while leading sedentary, air-conditioned lives.

From what I read, the research indicates that there’s no evidence for the familiar advice that you need eight glasses a day. That’s a myth. Despite what many people think, if you need water, you’ll feel thirsty.

If you like drinking water, that's great. I'm aiming this post at people who feel guilty for not drinking enough water, or who apply effort to keep themselves hitting the eight glasses a day. Because, if you stop worrying about drinking so much water, in one fell swoop, you can…
 direct your resolution-making energy to something that’s more likely to pay off for health and happiness, like going to sleep earlier or to exercising
 stop feeling guilty about not drinking enough water
 save money and help the planet
 eliminate chores

Now, I imagine a lot of people will protest that drinking water does great things for them. Is that right? Do you feel like you benefit from drinking tons of water?

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Gimundo has an interesting post about an exhibit of SMELLS. I've always thought that we don't pay enough to the possibilities of our sense of smell, and here is an exhibit of exotic and extinct odors. But I have to hope that the exhibit will go on the road -- alas, I'm just not going to make it to the University of Sunderland.

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I’m going to start sending out a short monthly newsletter. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Thinking about happiness and love.

A thoughtful reader emailed me a link to the blog Dream Mom. I spent a long time this morning reading it, and thinking about the nature of happiness, love, and fate. I encourage you to take a look.

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I’m going to start sending out a short monthly newsletter. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

This Wednesday: Six tips for getting yourself to do something you don't want to do.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six tips for getting yourself to do something you don’t want to do.

How many times each day do you try to work yourself up to tackle some undesirable task? If you’re like me – several.

For example, right now I’m trying to figure out how to send a monthly newsletter. I felt overwhelmed by the various sub-tasks involved, but by using the techniques below, I’m inching toward the finish line of hitting “send” for that first newsletter. Here are some strategies that I've used:

1. Put yourself in jail. If you're working on something that's going to take a long time, and you have the urge to try to rush, or to feel impatient, pretend you're in jail. If you're in jail, you have all the time in the world. You have no reason to hurry, no reason to cut corners or to try to do too many things at once. You can slow down, concentrate. You can take the time to get every single detail right.

2. Ask for help. This is one of my most useful Secrets of Adulthood (see left column). Why is this so hard? I have no idea. But whenever I ask for help, I'm amazed at how much it...helps.

3. Remember: most decisions don’t require extensive research. This is another important Secret of Adulthood. I often get paralyzed by my inability to make a decision, but by reminding myself that often, one choice just isn’t that much different from another choice, I can move on.

4. Take a baby step. If you feel yourself dismayed at the prospect of the chain of awful tasks that you have to accomplish, just take one step today. Tomorrow, take the next step. The forward motion is encouraging, and before long, you’ll probably find yourself speeding toward completion.

5. Do it first thing in the morning. The night before, vow to yourself to do the dreaded task. And the next day, at the first possible moment – as soon as you walk into work, or when the office opens, or whenever – just do it. Don’t allow yourself to reflect or procrastinate. This is particularly true of exercise. If you think you’ll be tempted to skip, try to work out in the morning.

6. Protect yourself from interruption. How often have you finally steeled yourself to start some difficult project, only to be interrupted the minute you get going? This makes a hard task much harder. Carve out some time to work. Yesterday, I wanted to put a newsletter sign-up box on my blog. I figured this would be frustrating and time-consuming, so I waited to make the attempt when I knew I had two hours when I could work uninterrupted.

NB: Pay attention to the amount of time you spend working on tasks you dislike. No one enjoys invasive medical tests or preparing tax returns, but if you feel like your life consists of nothing but going from one dreaded chore to the next, you should take note. Maybe you need to think about switching jobs, or delegating a particular chore to someone else, or paying someone to take care of a task that’s making you miserable.

I’m very good at making myself do things I don’t want to do, and while this is an enormous help in many situations, it has also allowed me to go down some dead ends in my career. The fact is, you’re unlikely to be happy or successful when every aspect of your life or job feels like a big drag. Don’t accuse yourself of being lazy or being a procrastinator, but ask – what’s making this so difficult? The fact that you're finding it hard to make yourself do something is a sign that maybe you should be doing something else.

On the upside: novelty and challenge, as uncomfortable as they can be, DO bring happiness. The chore that feels onerous today may give you a huge boost of satisfaction tomorrow, when it’s behind you. Keep that in mind.

What are some other strategies that you've found useful in trying to get yourself to jump some hurdle?

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Via the wonderful recommendation site, the Very Short List, a friend sent me a link to the Goldfrapp music video for their song “Happiness.” It’s charming.

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If you’d like to get my monthly newsletter, click on the brand-new link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog.

I’m very pleased with myself that I managed to get that onto my blog! I had to use all the strategies above, but I did it.

Or, if you prefer, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Happiness interview with ProBlogger’s Darren Rowse.

I’m starting something new: from time to time, I’ll post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness.

During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.

There’s something peculiarly compelling and instructive about hearing other people’s happiness stories. I’m much more likely to be convinced to try a piece of advice urged by a specific person who tells me that it worked for him, than by any other kind of argument. I ask the same set of questions in each interview, the better to compare different people’s experiences.

Today’s interview is with Darren Rowse of the wildly popular blog about blogging, ProBlogger. He also recently came out with a book (which I bought, and it’s great), Problogger: Secrets for Blogging Your Way to a Six-Figure Income. Darren’s site was a major source of happiness for me when I was starting this blog, because I was in my “Ask for help” mode, without a lot of living, breathing people to ask. It’s so satisfying when you find exactly the right source for the information you need.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Darren: Can I mention two? Please? OK - I know you won't mind....

1. My first sip of a latte in the morning - it's a simple, slightly guilty pleasure that I allow myself most mornings.

2. Time with my son - he's coming up on 2 and while he's learning how to throw tantrums and get into trouble his simple and innocent view of the world inspire me, give me hope and make me feel very content. It's amazing how the worries of life seem to melt away when we're together.

Gretchen: What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?
Darren: I would say that I now believe that happiness is more than just a feeling that I have. Sure there are times when it is 'feeling' related - but for me I'm beginning to discover that happiness is also about the way I live my life. I find it hard to articulate (ask me again when I'm 50 and I might have the answer) but for me it's also about an attitude or a choice that I have the opportunity to make daily.

When I was 18 I think I allowed my circumstances to dictate my happiness. These days I bring happiness to my circumstances.

Gretchen: Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of
your happiness?
Darren: Going to see my football team (Carlton, an Aussie rules football team) play! But seriously....

I find that one of the main things that gets in the way of happiness for me is the times that I become self centered. In our culture (at least in the West) we seem to have this obsession with 'self' or 'me'. We're told to 'get ahead' and 'look after yourself' in many different ways yet my personal experience of Happiness has shown me that it's generally when I lift my eyes off my own little world and do something selfless that I find real contentment and joy.

Conversely, the times that I obsess on my own worries and/or achievements, focus solely upon furthering my own career and view the world through Darren colored glasses that I find life crowds in and I become stressed, cranky and anything but happy.

As a result - an activity that I attempt to do regularly is find space in my life for others. This starts with family, but extends to friends, those in my wider networks and then strangers through charity and giving to others.

I also find setting time aside to clear my mind, meditate and pray is helpful in this process also.

Gretchen: Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been
through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
Darren: I mentioned above that when I was 18 my happiness seemed to be more related to my circumstances than anything else. I went through a time around this time when my life was.... well all I can describe it as is 'dark'. This was largely a result of circumstances that I felt overwhelmed with including death, broken relationships, betrayal and failure.

I won't go into the full circumstances but some of them came about as a result of my own actions and some happened to me and were largely out of my control. The result was a complete mess and a time when I didn't feel that I had a lot to live for.

I'm not sure exactly what brought me out of this period but there were probably a number of factors (please forgive my half thought through answer, it's something I find hard to put words to):

• Rediscovery of Faith - over time I found a new way to connect with a faith that I'd been brought up with but had largely abandoned
• The Care of an Friend - an older friend really invested time into me at this time and gently showed me a different way to look at my life
• Maturity - I got older and naturally began to see the world in a different way
• Purpose - Though it all I discovered that life wasn't about reacting to the circumstances that come out way but that we have the ability to set our own path and go after it. Sure things happen 'to us' but even in these times there's choices to be made about how we'll navigate them.

Gretchen: Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Darren: I never sit down and consciously think to myself - 'how can I be happy/happier?' Having said that - I guess some of the choices I make are based upon a desire to feel happy (running to my local cafe each morning would be one of these).

I think what I've been trying to say above is that I'm less focussed upon feeling happy these days and more focused upon leading a life with purpose and that brings life to those around me. In doing so I feel more content and 'right'. Perhaps this is happiness!

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I've been having a lot of fun reading through the archives of Notes from the Trenches. It's a terrific, hilarious blog by a mother of seven children. I was particularly intrigued with her Forty Before Forty list. These kinds of lists are a sub-genre of happiness projects, so I always regard them fondly.

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I’m going to start sending out a short monthly newsletter. I hope to have a handy opt-in box up soon, but in the meantime, if you’d like to sign up to get the newsletter, just shoot me an email at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

True happiness fact: challenge brings happiness (after it brings frustration and anxiety).

One of the least pleasant conclusions I’ve reached is that, darn it, the experts are right when they say that novelty and challenge lead to happiness.

I dislike not knowing what I’m doing, I resist change and learning new things, I love routine – but I’ve seen, over and over, that novelty and challenge do indeed make me happier, once I suffer through the anxiety and frustration of trying something new.

This blog is a good example. It’s a huge source of happiness, but also a fairly major source of frustration. But the more I do, the easier it gets, plus I have the satisfaction of seeing my accomplishments along the way. I remember when I couldn’t even post an image. This progress gives me the “atmosphere of growth” that’s the fourth, and critical, prong of my First Splendid Truth.

Now I have a new, exciting opportunity for novelty and challenge! (Translation: I’m spending a lot of time feeling frustrated and dumb, but I’m making progress.) I’m going to start sending out a short monthly newsletter.

Sending a newsletter is one of those tasks that will become fairly easy after I send out the first three – when everything has been set up, and I’ve got the kinks worked out. But until then, novelty and challenge abound.

All my happiness-project lessons have come into play, in a way that seems almost comical.

Example: I couldn’t figure out what newletter vendor to use, and couldn’t budge past that initial question, but as the Zen masters say, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear,” and last week I met an extremely knowledgeable person who had just researched this question. This guy picked MailChimp, so I did the same.

I signed up with MailChimp. More challenge, more frustration. Aargh, I don’t have a logo; I don’t know how to use PhotoShop to create a banner image; I can’t decide how big the top image should be; I can’t quite figure out how to put the sign-up-for-this-newsletter box on my blog; etc., etc.

I remind myself: “Embrace novelty and challenge!” “Enjoy the fun of failure!” “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good!” “If the student is ready, the teacher will appear!” “Take time to wander!” “Put myself in jail!” “Start simple, start now!” These help.

The happiness won’t hit for a while. Now is the frustrating part. But when I send out my first email newsletter, then it will come.

So, if you’d like to sign up for my monthly newsletter, please shoot an email to grubin AT SYMBOL gretchenrubin DOT com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Once a month, I’ll send you a round-up of the month’s ever-popular Wednesday Tips lists, the Friday suggestions for Your Happiness Project, and a note about what happiness topic generated the most buzz on my site.

I foresee a lot of frustration before I get to the happy day when I mail out my first newsletter. But I’ll get there eventually. So sign up!

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I'd heard about the blog Escape from Cubicle Nation before, and I finally got around to checking it out myself. It's terrific. The main subject is entreneurship, but there's a lot of great material there that's widely applicable, no matter what your work situation.

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I’m going to start sending out a short monthly newsletter. I hope to have a handy opt-in box up soon, but in the meantime, if you’d like to sign up to get the newsletter, just shoot me an email at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com.

This Saturday: a happiness quotation from Marguerite Yourcenar.

“Everything turns out to be valuable that one does for one’s self without thought of profit.” --Marguerite Yourcenar

This ties into my resolution to Spend out -- that resolution encompasses several meanings, but it includes the self-admonition to stop worrying about what's going to be most efficient and productive, and to be willing to wander, to follow my own interests, to experiment, and to fail.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

It’s Friday: time to think about YOUR Happiness Project. This week: Connect with your past.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One of my newer happiness-project resolutions is to “Connect with my past.” I’ve been trying to reach out to people, and to visit places, that were important to me in previous incarnations.

The Big Man and I are the same — we tend to lose touch with our friends from the past. We have plenty of friends in the present, and we love seeing old friends, but we aren’t good about keeping in contact.

That’s one reason I love Facebook and other internet tools that make it easier not only to keep in touch with people, but to keep track of them. Now it’s so much easier to keep tabs on people as they move, switch jobs, etc.

A few months ago, to “Connect with my past,” I called one of my best friends from high school. It’s a long story, but I hadn’t talked to her for more than ten years. It took me a while to track her down, but thanks to a clue from a fellow Kansas Citian whom I ran into in an airport, and a lot of Google persistence, I found her. It was so much fun to talk to her – to awaken the part of my brain connected to her, and also to feel that I’d sewn up a dangling loose thread of a relationship.

Today, I went to a lunch given by my law school alumni association. Although I’d never attended one of these lunches before, my resolution to “Connect with my past” inspired me to go. The speaker was someone I knew from my clerkship past (she clerked for Justice Souter when I clerked for Justice O’Connor), so I saw a chance to “Connect with my past” in two ways: my law school past and my clerkship past.

My experiences in law school and as a lawyer were extremely intense, extremely happy, and extremely interesting – plus, the Big Man and I met in law school, so that puts a rosy glow over that period. But now that I’m a writer, and not a lawyer, I feel disconnected to the lawyerly part of my life.

Going to the lunch, seeing some people I knew, hearing news of other friends, hearing about what’s happening at the law school…it was very satisfying.

I’ve been surprised by how happy this kind of activity makes me. Is it because it boosts my sense of connection to other people — a key to happiness? Or because it heightens my sense of having a continuous self? Or because it brings back happy memories, which is an important contributor to happiness? Probably all of these.

Surprisingly, I haven’t seen any studies or scientific discussion of this aspect of happiness-building, and I haven’t read any advice of this nature in popular sources. Nevertheless, connecting with my past has really made me happier.

So, go to a reunion, attend an event, call or email an old friend, drive by a former haunt, look through a photo album, re-visit the restaurant you used to love, listen to some music that reminds you of a long-ago period of your life…or what else? What are some other ways to connect with our pasts?

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I love tips, and Gimundo has a great list of tips, via Productivity Café, about how to prod yourself into being on time.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

Happiness is reading a good memoir.

I love reading spiritual memoirs, and memoirs of catastrophe, and memoirs of other people’s Happiness Projects (though they don’t call them “happiness projects,” that’s what they are).

So I was very interested to read Trish Ryan’s memoir, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not: A Memoir of Finding Faith, Hope, and Happily Ever After. It’s a combo of all three kinds of memoir.

From college on, Ryan was very eager to get married. She lurched through some bad relationships, then made a disastrous marriage to a man with a vicious temper. His temper was so vicious, in fact, that when she decided to leave him, she just walked out of the house one morning. She didn’t bring anything with her, and she kept her whereabouts hidden, until she managed to get a divorce by relinquishing any claim to their marital property. Throughout this time, she was also on a spiritual quest.

When she left her marriage, she moved to Boston, and she ended up joining the Vineyard Christian Fellowship of Greater Boston. My favorite part of the memoir recounts how she embraced the church and Jesus, turned her life around, and married the perfect guy.

This memoir is fascinating, because Ryan is so honest (and a bit kooky). She talks about her longtime belief in astrology; her repeated, classic He’s Just Not That Into You relationship mistakes; her initial reservations about some aspects of the religion she slowly adopted. It’s also very funny.

Also, she accomplishes something very difficult: she writes about her faith, religion, and Jesus in a way that will resonate, I bet, not only with people of the same faith but also with a wide audience.

I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever failed to be enthralled with the story of someone’s Happiness Project. I can’t think of an example. There’s just something so engaging about reading about how people decide to change their lives, and how they go about doing it. People have such wildly different challenges, and undertake such wildly different resolutions to try to turn their lives around.

This is a very, very happy story. I have to say, I got a little teary in the wedding scene. Then I immediately went online to see if there were any pictures of Trish Ryan and her husband Steve on her author website (there are).

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I like checking out the LifeTwo site. They do great round-ups of lots of interesting studies, plus there's other fun material there.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.