–Virginia Woolf, Diaries, September 4, 1927

Woolf is quoting from Percy Bysshe Shelley’s poem, “Song”:

Rarely, rarely, comest thou,

Spirit of Delight!

Wherefore hast thou left me now

Many a day and night?

Many a weary night and day

‘Tis since thou art fled away.

Woolf’s observation has haunted me for years, and in fact, I used it as the epigraph to my biography of Churchill, Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill. It was a reminder to me, always, of the limits of biography–and how for all of us, some of the most important events are invisible from the outside. What a joy it was to write a biography of Churchill! What a subject, what an age.

Now, admittedly, you may question the wisdom of allowing an eight-year-old to watch the show. But I always watch with her, and I skip through the inappropriate parts.

One thing that my happiness project has taught me is that my own frame of mind can significantly boost (or diminish) the amount of happiness I get from something.

Therefore, one of my aims has been to boost my feelings of pleasant expectancy–to make little things into real events, so that I can look forward to them and revel in them, instead of letting them pass by only half-noticed. With a little mindfulness, I can often re-frame activities to help myself anticipate them more.

So when I read that the finale of The Office would air on May 16, I first thought, “Oh, too bad, the show is over.” Then I thought–wait! This is an opportunity to make a really fun night for me and my family.

As I write about in The Happiness Project, there are four stages for enjoying a happy event, and I tried to exploit each on this occasion:

– anticipation (for weeks, we talked about the fact that the retrospective and finale were going to air soon)
– savoring (enjoying it in the moment – no multi-tasking while watching!)
– expression (sharing your pleasure with others – we all watched together)
– reflection (looking back on happy times – I took photos as mementos, also emailed them to my parents and sister, which is another form of “expression”)

Framing the event in this way turned a minor event into a real happiness opportunity for my family. It was fun, it was easy, and it made a difference.

Have you found that you’re able to dial up the happiness you get from something, by framing it differently?

P.S. Because I’m such a huge fan of The Office, one of my favorite happiness interviews is with the brilliant Mindy Kaling, a/k/a Kelly Kapoor.

I’m considering adding some new features to The Happiness Project site, and it would be hugely helpful to learn more about you and your views. I’d like to know what’s working well, and what could work better.

I know it’s a pain to do these things, so out of the people who take the survey, I’ll choose ten people at random to receive a set of signed books: The Happiness Project, Happier at Home, and The One-Sentence Journal.

The survey is short and painless–and it would be extremely helpful to me, if you can spare a few minutes.

Take the survey here.

Thanks, as always, for your insights and enthusiasm.

This Wednesday: Quiz–Answer these questions to boost your self-knowledge.

A key–perhaps the key–to a happy life is self-knowledge, because as the Fifth Splendid Truth holds, I can build a happy life only on the foundation of my own nature. In my own case, I’ve found that the more my life reflects my real interests, values, and temperament, the happier I become.

But it’s very hard to know ourselves; it’s easy to be distracted by the way we wish we were, or think we ought to be, or what others think we should be, until we lose sight of what is actually true. There’s a sadness to self-knowledge.

As Christopher Alexander observed: “It is hard, so terribly hard, to please yourself. Far from being the easy thing that it sounds like, it is almost the hardest thing in the world, because we are not always comfortable with that true self that lies deep within us.”

Here is a list of questions meant to help you think about yourself, your daily habits, your nature, and your interests. There are no right or wrong answers; they’re fodder for reflection.

If something is forbidden, do you want it less or more?

Is there an area of your life where you feel out of control? Especially in control?

If you unexpectedly had a completely free afternoon, what would you do with that time?

Are you comfortable or uncomfortable in a disorderly environment?

How much time do you spend looking for things you can’t find?

Are you motivated by competition?

Fill in the blank: “I really wish I could make consistent progress on my project to _______.”

Do you find it easier to do things for other people than to do things for yourself?

Whom do you envy? Why?

What do you lie about? For instance, a friend told me he’d been telling people that he walked to work, when in fact he almost never does.

What did you do for fun when you were ten years old? Do you still do that activity–or would you like to do it?

Do you work constantly? or think you should be working?

Do you embrace rules or flout rules?

Do you keep New Year’s resolutions?

Do you work well under pressure? Deadlines?

What would your perfect day look like?

How much TV do you watch in a week (and yes, this includes computer time spent watching videos, movies, YouTube)?

Are you a morning person or a night person?

What’s more satisfying to you: saving time or saving money?

Do you like to be in the spotlight?

Is your life “on hold” in any aspect? Until you finish your thesis, get married, lose weight, move?

What would you do if you had more energy?

If you suddenly had an extra room in your house, what would you do with it?

What people and activities energize you? Make you feel depleted? For instance, as an under-buyer, I very much dislike shopping.

Is it hard for you to get rid of things that you no longer need or want?

On a typical night, what time do you go to bed? How many hours of sleep do you get?

If at the end of the year, you had accomplished one thing, what is the one accomplishment that would make the biggest difference to your happiness?

Is there an activity that you love to do–yet somehow never seem actually to do it?

The process of answering these questions is meant to help spur ideas for possible change. I often find that once I start paying attention to an area of my life, it becomes natural and easy to make helpful alterations in my everyday habits.

Here’s a final question for you: What questions would you add to this list, to help other people know themselves better? It’s so important, and so elusive.

This week’s story: Get a hold of yourself, Meredith.

Can’t see the video? Click here.

Do you have any catch-phrases or mantras that work for you?

I’m still puzzled by why I’ve remembered this one for so many years! It reminds me of how Miss Anning rallies herself by repeating “On, Stanley, on” in Virginia Woolf’s short story, “Together and Apart.”

[She said] to herself: ‘On, Stanley, on’–which was a watchword of hers, a secret spur, or scourge such as middle-aged people often make to flagellate some inveterate vice, hers being a deplorable timidity, or rather indolence, for it was not so much that she lacked courage, but lacked energy…

If you want to read more along these lines, check out…

5 myths about fighting the blues.

Do you love paradoxes? Embrace happiness paradoxes.

Find your own koan.

You can also read more about this in Happier at Home, chapter six.

Find the archives of videos here.  More than 1.3 MILLION views. Don’t forget to subscribe!

And I looked it up–so interesting!

Sometimes when we ask a question, we know that people might be reluctant to give a true opinion. Maybe they’re worried about angering someone else, or appearing unsophisticated, or admitting what they actually think or do.

Tyler Cowen made an observation that I think is absolutely fascinating, and one that provides a possible solution to this non-disclosure problem. He writes:

To get a person’s real opinion, ask what she thinks everyone else believes…If people truly hold a particular belief, they are more likely to think that others agree or have had similar experiences. For instance, if a man has had more than thirty sexual partners, he will more likely think that such behavior is common. After all, his life is one ‘data point,’ and that data point presumably weighs heavily in his mind…Furthermore the man with more than thirty partners probably knows a higher percentage of other people with thirty partners or more. This will further encourage him to make a high estimate of how many partners other people have had…
[People] tend to assume that other people have had life histories at least somewhat similar to their own. When we talk about other people, we are often talking about ourselves, whether we know it ourselves.

So imagine that you’re considering sending your children to a particular school. Asking your friend, “What complaints do parents have about the school?” instead of asking, “How do you like the school?” might elicit a better answer.

Or maybe you’re considering going to a particular doctor. A person might not want personally to express criticism, but if you said, “How do most patients feel about that doctor’s office?” you might hear more.

This sounds surprising, but imagine how you would answer questions such as, “Do you think most people get along well with their in-laws?” “Do you think most people cheat on their taxes?” “Do you think most people love music?” “Do you think most people go to sleep after midnight?” Isn’t your inclination to respond with an answer that’s true for you? And yet the answer doesn’t feel like self-disclosure!

If this kind of thing interests you, you might also enjoy reading about why a mirror can make you behave better, and five more tips for boosting self-control.

What do you think? Do you think most people would be interested in trying this strategy? (Hah.)

I love this quotation. It exactly captures that delicious half-asleep, half-awake state. And I love to sleep during a rainstorm.

Have you ever passed a night like this?

I asked this question on my Facebook Page, and found the answers fascinating.

I would much prefer to be ten minutes early–and in fact, I usually am. My husband is the same way, which is a major contributor to the harmony of our relationship. What time to leave for the airport is a marriage question that’s more important than you might think.

How about you?

Sidenote: People who tend to be early often feel that people who are late are being passive-aggressive or disrespectful, but people who are late protest that this isn’t the case, at all. How do you weigh in on this question? (If you’re always late, here are 7 tips to help you arrive on time.)

I have Eight Splendid Truths about Happiness (very inspired by the numbered lists of Buddhism), and this is the Second Splendid Truth. People often talk about Part A, but much more rarely about Part B. But I think they’re both true–agree? disagree?

This Wednesday: 7 tips for making other people feel smart and insightful.

We all want to get along well with other people, and one way to do this is to help people feel good about themselves. If you make a person feel smart and insightful, that person will enjoy your company. The point is not to be manipulative, but to help other people feel good about their contributions to a conversation.

Here are some suggestions…

1. Take notes. I’m a compulsive note-taker, and I used to feel self-conscious about pulling out my little notebook and taking notes during a casual conversation. Then I noticed that people really seemed to enjoy it; the fact that I was taking notes made their remarks seem particularly insightful or valuable. Now I don’t hold myself back.

2. Refer to a comment that the person made earlier in the conversation. “This ties to your earlier point about…” This reference shows a person that you’re tracking and remembering their comments very closely. And give people credit for their ideas! The terrific Ramit Sethi gave me the idea for this post.  Relatedly…

3. If a person doesn’t finish a thought, ask him or her to pick it up again. “You said there were two reasons, but we didn’t get to the second reason.”

4. Use the person’s name—judiciously. Perhaps it’s the influence of How To Win Friends and Influence People, but some folks seem to think that throwing names around is always a winning move. I think it’s much more complicated than that. Sometimes, when someone uses my name, I feel as though I’m being manipulated, or chided, or patronized. But in the right context, it can add a very nice note.

5. As people talk about things they’ve done, take note of evidence of their admirable qualities—just in a word or two. “That must have taken a lot of research.” “You showed a lot of initiative in starting that.” When someone mentions a fact from the past, my father-in-law often remarks, “You’ve got a good memory.” It’s surprisingly gratifying.

6. Ask for advice. We all love to give advice, and feel smart when someone seeks our counsel. Even better…

7. Take someone’s advice! If you read a book that someone recommends, use a software program that someone suggests, or try a restaurant that someone loves, that person will feel brilliant. In conversation, I’m always making recommendations such as Inform Fitness gym, where I go for strength-training, and Gary Taubes’s book Why We Get Fat, and I feel enormously pleased when someone follows my suggestions.

What have I left out? What are some other ways to make people feel smart and insightful?