The Happiness Project

Secrets of Adulthood: Burn Energy to Create Energy.

A new Secret of Adulthood:

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Seven Tips For Getting Yourself To Go To Bed On Time.

Yesterday I video-posted about the Pigeon of Discontent, "I can never get to bed on time." A few readers rightly pointed out that while I emphasized the importance of having a "bedtime," I didn't address the challenge of actually getting yourself to turn off the light when it's time for bed.

That's a very important question. Since I've started my Happiness Project, I've become more and more convinced that sleep is vital to happiness and energy. (Here are fourteen tips on getting more sleep.)

If you want to get more sleep, but have a hard time getting yourself to turn out the light, try these strategies:

1. First things first: give yourself a specific bedtime. Most adults need 7-9 hours of sleep every night, so take a look at your wake-up time, and do the math. Even if you don't regularly go to bed at your bedtime, knowing, "Well, it's midnight, so I'm two hours past my bedtime" might help prod you to bed.

2. Don't wait until you feel sleepy to think "Hey, maybe it's about time for bed." It's all too easy to keep yourself alert and busy way past the time that you should be asleep. If you insist that you're quite wide awake at 1:00 a.m., test yourself: sit in a dim room with your head back for five minutes. How does it feel? Are you still wide awake? Along those lines...

3. Stay away from the internet for at least an hour before your bedtime. Television, too, but I think the internet is even more apt to make me feel artificially wide awake. I used to try to go through my emails one last time before bed, to get a jump on the morning, but I realized that this stimulating activity made it much harder to go to sleep.

4. Don't drink caffeine for several hours before your bedtime.

5. Remind yourself how great it feels to wake up naturally, before the alarm goes off, without that sickening jolt into wakefulness. Then, when you're surfing the internet at 11:30 p.m., ask yourself, "Am I making a good trade-off?" I was recently talking to a group of medical students, and one guy protested, "But if I go to bed at 11:00, I won't have time to watch some TV before bed." I asked, "Is watching that block of TV so fun that it outweighs the pleasure of getting enough sleep?" (I don't know what he decided.)

6. Get ready before bed well ahead of time. I realized that, perversely, I often put off going to bed because I was too tired to take out my contacts, brush my teeth, and get changed. Now I get ready earlier in the evening. Side benefit: once I do these things, I'm less likely to head to the kitchen for a snack. On a related note...

7. Create a bedtime ritual, and do it at the same time every night. Maybe you fix yourself a cup of herbal tea, maybe you read in bed, maybe you do an evening tidy-up. By doing the same thing every night, you will cue yourself to start heading to bed.

One bit of folk wisdom that I heard when I had very young children was that "Sleep begets sleep." I found that to be true of my children, and also of myself. I sleep better when I'm well-rested than when I'm over-tired.

How about you? Have you found any effective strategies for coaxing yourself to bed on time?

* There's a lot of terrific material about fitness, health, and happiness on Greatist—"choose better, be a greatist."

* Blatant self-promotion: If The Happiness Project stays on the New York Times bestseller list until March 1, it will have been there for one solid year. Thrilling! So if you're looking for a good book, or for a gift, or a choice for your book group, please consider The Happiness Project. Buy early and often! Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

"I Can Never Get To Bed On Time."

2012 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2012 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2012 a happier year -- and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! Each week, I post a video about some Pigeon of Discontent raised by a reader. Because, as much as we try to find the Bluebird of Happiness, we're also plagued by the Pigeons of Discontent.

For the first month of the Pigeons of Discontent videos, my friend Maria helped me out. This was a fun experiment, but we couldn't really get that format to work properly, so I'm switching back to doing the videos solo.

This week's Pigeon of Discontent, suggested by a reader, is: "I can never get to bed on time."

Give yourself a bedtime.

See the happiness mug on the table beside me? That was a birthday present from my sister a few years ago. She finds great happiness-related gifts.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
A secret to more happiness and energy? Give yourself a bedtime.
Fourteen tips for getting more sleep—and why it matters.
A fundamental secret to happiness? Get enough sleep.

I hope you enjoy the new format. It's still evolving, so bear with me while it's taking shape.

You can post your own Pigeon of Discontent at any time; also, from time to time, I'll make a special call for suggestions.

If you're new, jump in right now, sign up here. Studies suggest that by taking action, like signing up for this challenge, will help you keep your resolutions. For the 2012 Challenge, each week I'll post a video for you to consider, and you can check out the archives of videos here.

* I never know what I'm going to find on Kirtsy.

* Want to get my free monthly newsletter? It highlights the best of the month’s material from the blog and the Facebook Page. Sign up here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Can You Summarize The Challenge of Happiness In A Single Sentence?

Partly as an intellectual discipline, partly for fun, I often push myself to answer tough, conclusory questions, such as "If you had to pick just one thing, what's the key to happiness?" or "What are the ten most common myths about happiness?"

The other day, I asked myself: If I had to state the central challenge of living a life of happiness, in a single sentence, what would it be? This sentence, I decided, would be a good candidate:

As Flannery O'Connor observed in a letter, "Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better."

How about you? What's your suggestion for a one-line summary?

* On the BMW Guggenheim Lab, Jon Cotner writes about the Spontaneous Society, a walk he leads through New York City neighborhoods, in which participants try to promote friendly exchanges among strangers. Interesting.

* Want a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

"The More Familiar It Is The More Rare and Beautiful It Is."

“Familiarity does not breed contempt. On the contrary the more familiar it is the more rare and beautiful it is. Take the quarter in which one lives, it is lovely, it is a place rare and beautiful and to leave it is awful.”
-- Gertrude Stein, Paris France

* Join the happiness conversation on Facebook and on Twitter (@gretchenrubin).

Problem With Procrastination? Try This: Do Nothing.

Just about anyone who has ever put off a troublesome task is familiar with one of my Secrets of Adulthood: Working is one of the most dangerous forms of procrastination.

When there’s some chore you just don’t want to tackle, every other chore seems alluring. As a friend told me, “My apartment is never cleaner than when I have a writing assignment due.”

In Roy Baumeister and John Tierney’s fascinating book, Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength, they suggest the “Nothing Alternative” to this problem. That is, if you want to get yourself to do something, make the alternative to that task to do nothing.

This rule was inspired by the habits of writer Raymond Chandler. Chandler set aside at least four hours each day for writing; he didn’t force himself to write, but he didn’t let himself do anything else. He wouldn’t let himself read, write letters, write checks—nothing. He summed up: “Two very simple rules, a. you don’t have to write. b. you can’t do anything else. The rest comes of itself.”

When I read this, I realized that I’d been following this rule without giving it a name. When I want to do the difficult work of original writing, I often work outside my apartment, in a library a few blocks away. This gets me away from the temptations of the internet, and it also forces me to accept the “nothing alternative.” I say to myself, “I’ll stay here for two hours,” and then I’m stuck. If I’m not writing, I’m just sitting there. Sure, sometimes I jump up and go look for a book in the stacks, but that doesn’t take long. I end up writing just to pass the time. At home, by contrast, there’s no end to the useful tasks that I can find to occupy myself.

So if you often find yourself procrastinating by working, try making yourself do nothing.

How about you? Do you procrastinate by working—by cleaning, organizing, answering emails, cruising the internet doing “research,” making plans, or the like? Has the "do nothing" alternative worked for you?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* My friend Laura Vanderkam told me about the blog Wandering Scientist, and I've really enjoyed reading it.

* Want a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

Quiz: How Fun Is Your Workplace? Your Home?

In The Levity Effect: Why it Pays to Lighten Up, Adrian Gostick and Scott Christopher make an interesting argument that “levity” is an extremely effective tool for helping people to work better. An atmosphere of light-heartedness, it turns out, helps people pay attention, eases tensions, and enhances a feeling of connection.

When I read this, I thought, “Well, levity would be tough for me, I’m not particularly funny, and I’m not particularly outgoing.”

But what the authors mean by “levity” is really a sense of lightness. It's less about being funny and more about being able to have fun and see the humorous side of everyday situations—especially difficult situations.

Ah, I thought, I’m trying! The Ninth of my Twelve Commandments is “Lighten up." When I posted sticky notes with key phrases all around my office and apartment, the one I put in the master bathroom read, “Tender and light-hearted.”

Gostick and Christopher include a quiz about workplace levity. Looking at it, I realized that most of my workplaces included these elements, which I’m sure contributed to the positive experience I had everywhere (except for the summer I worked as a waitress at Dos Hombres Mexican restaurant, and zoikes, I did not like that job).

For example, I’d assumed that the atmosphere around the Supreme Court would be serious, thoughtful, and grand. And it was. But in her chambers, Justice O’Connor incorporated several goofy aspects that made it a lot of fun, too. Each Halloween, she required her clerks to decorate elaborate pumpkins, and birthday celebrations were always a big deal, and she took the clerks on a yearly outing (we went fishing). And that sort of thing really did make a difference.

How does your workplace measure up? Take Gostick and Christopher’s quiz:

New employees are made to feel welcome
Meetings are positive and light
We have fun activities at least once a month
It’s common to hear people laughing around here
I can be myself at work
We have a lot of celebrations for special events
When brainstorming, we like to have fun
My boss is usually optimistic and smiling
Customers would call us fun to do business with
I have a friend at work who makes me laugh
We have a good time together

Does your workplace have "levity," according to this quiz? Do you think it matters?

This is a great list for home, too. For my next book, Happier at Home, I tried several resolutions that were meant to try to bring more levity into my apartment. For instance, I tried to under-react to problems, and it really did help.

How about you? Have you found that an atmosphere of levity and good humor makes a difference to your workplace or home? Have you found any good strategies to keep things fun and light?

* It's fun to look around Laughing Squid, which "features interesting art, culture, and technology from around the web."

* Valentine's Day is next week. Give the gift of happiness! Well, you can't do that, but you can give The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller). Buy it for yourself, for your sweetheart, or for anyone who needs a good book to read.
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.

Do You Have The "Quality Of Keeping People Together"?

Assay: Recently, when I was rereading Gertrude Stein's The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas, I was very struck by this observation about the French poet Guillaume Apollinaire:

The death of Guillaume Apollinaire at this time made a very serious difference to all his friends apart from their sorrow at his death. It was the moment just after the war when many things had changed and people naturally fell apart. Guillaume would have been a bond of union, he always had a quality of keeping people together, and now that he was gone everybody ceased to be friends.

The "quality of keeping people together" seems an important and rare attribute, and although it doesn't come naturally to me, I'm trying to do a better job of it myself, and also to appreciate more the work of the Apollinaire-ish types whose efforts benefit me.

This quality has been on my mind since the sad occasion of a memorial service of a friend. I knew her in a work context, but at the service, I realized from the tributes of her college friends that, along with many other wonderful traits, she had the "quality of keeping people together" from that time.

My sister is this way, too, and from watching her in action, I know how much energy and time it takes to act like glue, to make the efforts that allow people to stay close.

Who coaxes people into showing up to the reunion? Who remembers everyone's birthdays, and insists that everyone get together to mark the occasion? Who plans the promotion celebration? Who organizes the group wedding gift? Who keeps track of everyone's addresses? Who sends out the group emails? It doesn't sound very hard—until you're the one doing it.

And although it's a lot of work, it's all too easy for people to take these efforts for granted, or not to realize how important one person is to the strength of a particular web of relationships. In fact, that person might well be teased for these efforts, and instead of people being appreciative and cooperative, they might act jaded and superior to such gung-ho antics.

Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: one of the keys—perhaps the key—to happiness is strong relationships, and the often unsung work of such folks to keep up a "bond of union" makes a tremendous difference to everyone in their circles.

How about you? Do you have the "quality of keeping people together"? Do you feel that your efforts are appreciated? If you don't naturally play this role, have you found strategies to work at it?

* I love cruising around Parent Hacks—which "collects and shares parents' tips, recommendations, and bits of wisdom—their hacks—so we can all benefit."

* Want a happiness quotation in your email inbox every morning? Sign up for the Moment of Happiness. Subscribe here or email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com.

"Quiet Minds Cannot Be Perplexed Or Frightened."

“Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened, but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm.”
--Robert Louis Stevenson

I love the simile of a "clock in a thunderstorm." It makes me feel calmer, just to imagine that image.

* Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox: eight free tools to help you track your own happiness project.

A Secret To More Happiness And Energy? Give Yourself A Bedtime.

As a result of my happiness project, I've become a sleep zealot. It's just so obvious to me—from reading the research and from personal experience—that getting enough sleep is a key to a happier life.

I've noticed something, however. I noticed this in myself, before I became such a sleep nut, and I see it in the people around me: most adults don't give themselves a bedtime.

Children have a fixed bedtime; we know they need their allotment of sleep, and we pack them off to bed when it's time. But many adults just go to bed whenever they feel like it.

The problem with this approach is that it's far too easy to stay up too late. The TV, the internet, your email, your book...these distractions keep you alert past the point at which you should head to bed. Many of us know we ought to go to sleep sooner, but we just can't manage to pull it off.

One suggestion: Give yourself a bedtime. Even if you don't actually go to bed on time, at the very least, you should know that you're "staying up past your bedtime." Just the realization that it's an hour past your "bedtime" might help you nudge yourself into bed. Most adults should get 7-8 hours of sleep each night, so do the math.

I get up at 6:00 am, which means my bedtime is 10:30 pm. When I first gave myself a bedtime, I was in the habit of going to bed around 11:30 or midnight. I thought that was an appropriate grown-up bedtime. Well, it's not if you're a grown-up who gets up at 6:00!

For me, at least, getting more sleep was a habit that was self-reinforcing. I felt so, so much better when I started getting enough sleep that it was very easy to observe that bedtime, even though I do regret the loss of those leisure hours.

How do you know if you're not getting enough sleep? Some warning signs:

• you're jolted out of sleep by your alarm clock every morning
• you fall asleep any time you find yourself in a quiet, still place (in a movie theater, or rocking your child)
• you sleep-binge on the weekends
• you feel exhausted all the time
• on the day when Daylights Savings Time gives you an extra hour of sleep, you feel amazing

Try it. Don't even attempt to go to bed earlier. Just identify your bedtime. We tend to manage what we measure, and by identifying a specific bedtime, you might find yourself developing the habit of turning off the light earlier.

Do you have a regular bedtime, or not? If so, how much sleep do you get, and when do you turn off the light?

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

* My friend Debbie Stier has a blog called the Perfect Score Project, all about her attempts to ace the SAT. I have no interest in taking the SAT (thank goodness!), but she is so funny and engaging that I love checking out the site, anyway.

* Would you like a copy of my personal Resolutions Chart, just to see how I organized it (and copied from Benjamin Franklin)? Email me at gretchenrubin1@gretchenrubin.com if you'd like to get it.