Pollyanna-ish advice that actually does work.

One piece of happiness wisdom that I initially rejected as impossibly Pollyanna-ish is that to make unpleasant activities seem pleasant, re-frame them—that is, change the way you think about them.

I thought this sounded ridiculous. How could I change something unpleasant into something pleasant, just by re-framing it? My attitude, after all, reflected the reality of the situation. But I looked for examples where I could decide that instead of not liking to do something, I did like to do it.

The crazy thing is that this approach works. Instead of saying to myself, “I hate it when…” or “I wish I didn’t have to…” I think, “I love it when…” or “I’m glad I get the chance to…” and my attitude changes dramatically.

For example, I'd considered it a pain to take the Little Girl along in her stroller to walk the Big Girl to school. It makes the walk take longer, it’s tough in bad weather, I need to worry about getting them both dressed, etc.

But then I realized—what a joy it is to walk to school with my two girls! I’d feel bereft if for some reason the Little Girl didn’t come with us each day. Soon the stroller era will be over forever, and I’ll remember with a pang all the mornings we three traveled to school together.

A tougher case to re-frame was the completion of the dreaded health forms for school and camp. This kind of multi-step task drains me: making the doctor’s appointments, filling out the same information over and over, keeping track of the various sheets, trying to meet the deadline.

But now I’m embracing the process: “How happy I am to complete these forms!” Re-framing became much easier after I heard that the annual school check-up had revealed a very serious health problem in a friend’s child, so instead of grousing at being set a pointless and annoying task, I remind myself that these check-ups are really something to be happy about. If the doctor discovers nothing but perfect health, be grateful; if the doctor discovers something, be even more grateful.

Re-framing is NOT about making myself enjoy something that I don’t really enjoy (one of my commandments, after all, is Be Gretchen), but rather, it’s about realizing that “with a sour face” I’d cheated myself out of an enjoyment I already possess.

“With sour faces we let a thousand bright and pleasant hours slip by unenjoyed and afterwards vainly sigh for their return when times are trying and depressing….we should cherish every present moment that is bearable, even the most ordinary, which with such indifference we now let slip by, and even with impatience push on.” —Schopenhauer

Comments

[Bebek McGhee]

Yeah it's hard to be Pollyanna when your lover has betrayed you. But even in the most difficult situations: death, heartbreak, disappointment it is possible to find a thread of light to pull on while drowning. My aunt finally met the love of her life at 50 and lost him ten years later to a stroke. She dealt with her devastation by volunteering for three years on a suicide hotline and becoming closer to her children and grandchildren. She is my hero, a proud, dignified, selfless lady. I believe in the spiritual evolution of my life so pain means one thing, lessons. Am I getting the message? Am I holding on to my truth? No one escapes heartache and lessons in this life. I am humbled and awed through my loss. Every day is still an opportunity to remain positive and be creative, now more than ever. I don't know what's in my future but I do know that freedom is beaconing me right now.

[drprocter]

Just about every philosopher I read posits that happiness is summoned from inside, not created by external events.

"Everything we do is music. Everywhere is the best seat."
John Cage

[annmarie]

I think that, whatever else you discover, this point will remain key.

I enjoy your blog. What a brilliant topic!

[Autumn]

thank you for this post. This morning I thought of it as I sat in the dentists office.
I won't say I enjoyed the visit, but I was certainly more greatful for it.

[annette]

Re-framing is one of the key concepts in therapy (I'm a therapist as well as an organisational consultant!) and I use it in business all the time. We have so little control over disasters but we do have a choice sometimes about how we respond and react to them and re-framing can be a fantastic way of doing that!

[applestudent]

and one day, and had probably natural were called or burnt, by themselves gardening caught it personalities.

[Jon Crowell]

I can't wait for this! I'm constantly debating how best to balance all the many "philosophies" and paradigms I adhere to in my own ongoing efforts toward happiness - it will be great to have your research collected in one book!

If you haven't included some explanation of mindfulness/meditation, please allow me to suggest it, as it has brought me great peace in my own life.

Best Regards,
Jon

[IreneZ]

In your article "14 Ways to Stop Nagging" (in Gimundo)I didn't quite get the radical solution your friends with three kids used.
If they didn't say: "Get the diaper" or "Take out the trash"--then what did they say or how did they handle the situation?

IreneZ

[Tiffany]

I love it! This is a great example of moving past your self-inflicted disappointments. I must remember to reframe as well.

I am an overall happy person but when I'm bothered by something, sometime I can't pull myself away from the negative thought pattern. I must remember to reframe.

A great example happened just yesturday. My 9 year old got his report card yesturday. He had all A's, B's and 2 C's. I know that the C's were because he also strive for the title of class clown. So I was pretty upset with him. But his godmother told me..."I know he's not in as much trouble as he would be in if he had gotten a D or an F".

Well in my mind he was. But today he will be overjoyed with you Gretchen, because your reframing activity just got him off punishment.

LOL!!! Because after all his report card could have been MUCH worse and we are going out of town this weekend. I can only imagine the headache it would create for dh and I trying to keep him on punishment while on vacation.

Thanks for this one.