Lapses in my happiness resolutions.

I'm having a great time in Kansas City. On the very day we arrived, we went to the pool, the library, and the best hamburger place in the country, Winstead's. We visited the duck pond, and the Big Girl fell in--traumatic when it happened, but sure to be a highlight of her childhood.

But I noticed something strange about myself before I left New York. My happiness-project discipline crumbled. Knowing that I was leaving town somehow made me feel as if all rules were suspended.

First, a few weeks ago, I had to stop buying Nutritious Creation's chocolate-chip cookies. I love these big cookies so much that I was eating them all the time, so I decided to give them up entirely. But my last day in New York I ate three. I think my subconscious thinking went something like, "These cookies aren't available in Kansas City, so even if I break my resolution now, I'll have no trouble sticking to it once I leave. So I should go ahead now."

Second, in April, I focused on strengthening friendships and being more loving. One of my resolutions was to give up gossip and idle criticism. Well, just before leaving for Kansas City, talking to the Big Man, I launched into a disparaging analysis of a guy I know. Bottom line: he has bad values. I think my criticism was valid, but why make it? I felt self-righteous in my criticism of him, but own behavior was mean-spirited and unkind. Again, I think I was rationalizing, "You're going on vacation! Indulge a little."

The cookies and the bout of mean talk had much the same effect. The indulgence felt deliciously wicked and satisfying--until I was finished. Then I felt terrible.

That's the annoying thing about the lessons of the Happiness Project. These aren't rules that can be followed for a month, then checked off the list. People keep asking me, "So how long are you going to do all this?" The answer is, "From now on, as best as I can manage."

Comments

[Kevin Rutherford]

The same happens to me when my parents visit or when we visit them. I find my mother's critical voice gets louder and louder in my subconscious as the event draws near, and so despite my best efforts I get crabby with the kids etc. I don't have an answer, but maybe yours is a similar problem?

[Leila]

Re: unkind gossip or criticism ... it's not just that it's unvirtuous and makes me "look bad" - in the end this negative motivation won't keep me from the behavior. The worst problem about spending energy criticising someone else is that it always gives me a psychic hangover. And it probably arises out of some pre-existing internal misery that had little to do with the person in question.

I've been spending (limited) time with a friend, a mom in the neighborhood, who manifests many of my worst habits to the extreme, including this hyper-critical faculty. She's a good mirror. I can see how badly the behavior works for her. It's very unattractive and it doesn't help her feel good at all. Ugh.

[Dave in IL]

Have you considered that a total ban on something you really really like is kind of a backwards approach to increasing your happiness? Are these cookies made of pure lard? I'm guessing not, or else they're badly mis-named. Are you likely to eat them obsessively for the rest of your life? No -- at some point you'll just get tired of them.

Seems to me that a total ban just sets you up for an inevitable failure, and the ensuing self-reproach is (perhaps) the real unhappy experience you were unknowingly going for.

Not criticizing here -- speaking from my own experience, for whatever it's worth. I like your blog and your project a lot.

[Monica Ricci]

Dave, I think both you and Gretchen have valid points. For some people, going "cold turkey" is the only way that works for them. Others have the ability to scale back their own consumption but still indulge in a small way. Apparently for Gretchen, a this time the "all or nothing" approach is what works for her. On the other hand, you sound as if you would have more success with the "scale back" approach.

For me, it depends what I'm trying to give up! Sometimes cold turkey works for me, but for other things, I am fully able to just scale back. Bottom line is that I think both are valid and it illustrates how we are all different with different motivations. Just my observation. :) ~Monica

[Gretchen Rubin]

You're very right, Dave. It does seem dreary and joyless to give up life's minor pleasures. But I just can't stop myself from eating those darned cookies, and then I give up healthy food to make up the difference. I think Monica has it right that different approaches can work for different situations. For some reason, with these cookies, I can eat NONE far more easily than I can eat a FEW.

[Dave in IL]

Yes, this is certainly very individual. I tend to associate just about any totalizing approach with needless severity (heh, just noticed the Samuel Johnson quote), but it's not necessarily so.

Those must be good cookies.