This Wednesday: Tips...for making conversation.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Tips…for making conversation.

Making polite conversation can be tough.

“So where do you live?”
“Chelsea.”
“Really. I live on the upper east side.”
“Great…”
Painful silence.

If, like me, out of shyness or boredom, you sometimes find yourself making several trips to the bathroom during a cocktail party, or desperately wishing that dessert were already cleared away, or searching your mind for anything to say while you're stuck in a situation with a stranger, here are some strategies to try:

Comment on a topic common to both of you: the food, the room, the occasion, the weather.

Ask open questions that can’t be answered with a single word, and after the person answers, don’t answer the same question about yourself, but follow up on what he or she has said.

Fine, you say, but what are some examples of open questions? Try these:

“What’s keeping you busy these days?” This is a good question if you’re talking to a person who doesn’t have an office job. It’s also helpful because it allows people to choose their focus (work, volunteer, family, hobby)—preferable to the inevitable “How’s work?”

A variant: “What are you working on these days?” This is a useful dodge if you ought to know what the person does for a living, but can’t remember.

“I didn’t get a chance to catch the news today. Did I miss anything interesting?”

“What brings you to this event?” or “How do you know our host?”

“What newspapers and magazines do you subscribe to? What internet sites do you visit regularly?” This question often reveals a hidden passion.

If you ask or are asked “Where are you from?” an interesting and natural follow-up question is, “What would your life be like if you still lived there?”

Personally, I’m annoyed when people automatically steer the conversation to kids. But an interesting question on this topic is “Have you decided to do anything very differently from the way you were raised?"

A friend of mine asks a very provocative question: “Tell me something about yourself that most other people don’t know.” Intriguing, but I’ve never dared to do it.

Now, what to do if the conversation is just not working? Try admitting it! “We’re really working hard, aren’t we?” or “It’s frustrating—I’m sure we have interests in common, but we’re having a hard time finding them.” Clearly this is a desperate measure, but sometimes it works

.
But if I’m bored by a conversation, I admonish myself to try harder by remembering the line from La Rochefoucald: We are always bored by those whom we bore.

Comments

[Christopher Penn, Financial Aid Podcast]

If you're able to plan ahead in advance, read up on the blogs of the people you're going to meet - great insights that can help you understand how they think, and more importantly, how they speak.

Christopher S. Penn
Daily financial aid internet radio on demand
http://www.FinancialAidPodcast.com
Got iTunes? http://www.FinancialAidPodcast.com/subscribe/
Got loans? http://www.FinancialAidPodcast.com/consolidate/

[Phil]

Hi, Gretchen: On a similar note, I found this post (and blog!) interesting: http://nevereatalone.typepad.com/blog/2006/05/ftd_delivery_ov.html . Hope you do, too.

[Monica Ricci]

I have often said, "What good thing happened in your life this week/month/year?" That is always a good one. It's unusual, but not too personal, and it gets things started on a positive note rather than the all-to-easy complaining about the weather, traffic, etc.
~Monica

[monica]

have often said, "What good thing happened in your life this week/month/year?" That is always a good one. It's unusual

[Michael Labbée]

Dear Gretchen Rubin,

I just discovered your 'project' through an e-mail from Gimondo.com
I've just scratched the surface, but I'm interested enough to read one of your books,
(40 ways ... ?)
I'm adding it to my growing list of "books that I may never get to" ...
Thank you for sharing some wonderful bits of wisdom.

Cheers,
Mike

[Analee]

Some good commentary here on techniques to steer conversations in an affirmative direction...

I've read that a good way to approach interaction with another person is to pretend that one is interviewing them for an audience of people who are interested in what they do: You're on... Everything about that person is fascinating and wondrous (true of all of us if our hearts are really in the right place at any moment), and we are in the business of reflecting the full truth of that wondrousness back to them and to anyone else who wants to tune in!

When I'm having a difficult time with someone, I visualize them as a small child, almost a baby. It's amazingly easy to do this if you try it. I ask myself about all the hardship and disappointment that must have turned that golden baby into this crabbed adult. This visualization seldom fails to bring on some genuine and powerful feelings of compassion -- and everyone knows compassion is truly where it's at.

Also, I know that nothing can happen to me that is not compatible with and an expression of my own karma. Therefore, that individual was unarguably in place to teach me lessons that it was time for me to learn. I can always imagine more unpleasant ways to have learned these lessons than the ones I actually experienced, and this engenders feelings of gratitude (another completely right-on spiritual/emotional framework from which to operate in any situation), and the grateful feelings are further intensified by the realization that while I may have to deal with the individual for a moment or two (just long enough for me to learn that lesson and serve that divine purpose in their lives as well), they have to deal with themselves -- be themselves -- for an entire lifetime to have done that job for me.

Gee, when I look at it that way it seems like the very least I can do to find a thing or two which might interest them to talk about, here for a minute while we're keeping company, and really, we're alike in so many more ways than we're different (flashing on this helps come up with conversational topics) -- and even the ways in which we're different, when we can get over our fears and prejudices, are so very interesting to learn about!...

[Juicy]

How about some inspiration to those trying to find that happy place but still have some bad habits to break such as smoking or drinking aids to comfort?

[Dennis Ellis]

Excellent tips for building conversations. I am new to Toronto; few friends. So i realised it wasn't a lack of individuals to befriend but inadequate skills in to do so.

Thanks Gretchen; I have some folks to talk to!!