This Wednesday: Tips...for making conversation.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Tips…for making conversation.

Making polite conversation can be tough.

“So where do you live?”
“Chelsea.”
“Really. I live on the upper east side.”
“Great…”
Painful silence.

If, like me, out of shyness or boredom, you sometimes find yourself making several trips to the bathroom during a cocktail party, or desperately wishing that dessert were already cleared away, or searching your mind for anything to say while you're stuck in a situation with a stranger, here are some strategies to try:

Comment on a topic common to both of you: the food, the room, the occasion, the weather.

Ask open questions that can’t be answered with a single word, and after the person answers, don’t answer the same question about yourself, but follow up on what he or she has said.

Fine, you say, but what are some examples of open questions? Try these:

“What’s keeping you busy these days?” This is a good question if you’re talking to a person who doesn’t have an office job. It’s also helpful because it allows people to choose their focus (work, volunteer, family, hobby)—preferable to the inevitable “How’s work?”

A variant: “What are you working on these days?” This is a useful dodge if you ought to know what the person does for a living, but can’t remember.

“I didn’t get a chance to catch the news today. Did I miss anything interesting?”

“What brings you to this event?” or “How do you know our host?”

“What newspapers and magazines do you subscribe to? What internet sites do you visit regularly?” This question often reveals a hidden passion.

If you ask or are asked “Where are you from?” an interesting and natural follow-up question is, “What would your life be like if you still lived there?”

Personally, I’m annoyed when people automatically steer the conversation to kids. But an interesting question on this topic is “Have you decided to do anything very differently from the way you were raised?"

A friend of mine asks a very provocative question: “Tell me something about yourself that most other people don’t know.” Intriguing, but I’ve never dared to do it.

Now, what to do if the conversation is just not working? Try admitting it! “We’re really working hard, aren’t we?” or “It’s frustrating—I’m sure we have interests in common, but we’re having a hard time finding them.” Clearly this is a desperate measure, but sometimes it works

.
But if I’m bored by a conversation, I admonish myself to try harder by remembering the line from La Rochefoucald: We are always bored by those whom we bore.

Comments

[Jeff]

Oh, I love these. Good suggestions that go beyond the surface -- but don't dig so deep that you make others uncomfortable. If I reduce the font maybe I can print them out and take the cheat-sheet version with me to the next party.

Hope all is well on the UES. I miss it dearly.

[frida]

Parties are usually painful for me, but I've decided to try and focus on being a good guest and contributing something to the party by my presence...it helps take the edge off my neurotic shyness and gives me a homework assignment (talk to a stranger, really listen, learn something new). Great post...thanks!

[christie]

Another one that I like, when meeting someone for the first time: Follow up "What kind of work do you do?" (or "what's keeping you busy" -- I like that quite a bit) with "What do you love about it?" Gets people talking about something energizing, and gives you a window for further conversation. And if they hate it, you can always ask what they'd rather be doing.

[lea]

there is always, also, the shared bond of misery--as in, "isn't this benefit ridiculous?" or, "isn't this meat rather rare?"
yet it should be clear that you're exposing your rapier wit, not your spoiled brat inner child.
at the end of the day, seated dinners are a bit of a trap but with general drinks party interactions there is always the completely acceptable and deeply useful, "i'm so sorry but i have to go find my (husband/boyfriend/lover/child/puppy/chef). please excuse me."

[k]

At academic parties, the question "What's keeping you busy these days?" is apt to be met with a disquisition about the lesser known writers who influenced Charles Dickens or economic pressures in 17th century Russia.

An option that I revert to whenever stuck in a conversation with a colleague whom I don't know well is to find something about his or her appearance (e.g., tie, shoes, earrings) to compliment and to ask whether that item has a story behind it. Such an approach has to thought out carefully (e.g., I never comment on a person's weight) and the compliment must be genuine, but it usually works if the other person is also sincerely trying to make conversation.

It's not such a bad thing to talk about party anxiety. It could be charming to confess to trying to learn more about conversational techniques.

If all else fails, I make sure my glass is never more than 4 or 5 sips full: "Pardon me, I'm going to get some more [fill in the blank]." The only drawback to this escape ploy is that it could make me look like a drunk *and* a bore.

[Anthony]

small talk to me is boring. try not to talk about situational things, the party, the setup, thats too try hard.

open ended questions are great, but be prepared to relate to whatever the person says about it in terms of emotion, how you can relate to what they say on an emotional level. even if you can’t relate to what they are saying at all, everyone can relate to how it felt when it happened, and that is what people are looking for.

if someone says that they love jetskiing and riding up and down on the waves, you may hate jetskiing but may feel the same way about painting:
“wow that feeling to be letting yourself go with noone else around is a really great feeling. it’s those times where you don’t think about anything going on in your life except for what you are doing right there.”

[Christopher Penn, Financial Aid Podcast]

If you're able to plan ahead in advance, read up on the blogs of the people you're going to meet - great insights that can help you understand how they think, and more importantly, how they speak.

Christopher S. Penn
Daily financial aid internet radio on demand
http://www.FinancialAidPodcast.com
Got iTunes? http://www.FinancialAidPodcast.com/subscribe/
Got loans? http://www.FinancialAidPodcast.com/consolidate/

[Phil]

Hi, Gretchen: On a similar note, I found this post (and blog!) interesting: http://nevereatalone.typepad.com/blog/2006/05/ftd_delivery_ov.html . Hope you do, too.

[Monica Ricci]

I have often said, "What good thing happened in your life this week/month/year?" That is always a good one. It's unusual, but not too personal, and it gets things started on a positive note rather than the all-to-easy complaining about the weather, traffic, etc.
~Monica

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[monica]

have often said, "What good thing happened in your life this week/month/year?" That is always a good one. It's unusual

[Michael Labbée]

Dear Gretchen Rubin,

I just discovered your 'project' through an e-mail from Gimondo.com
I've just scratched the surface, but I'm interested enough to read one of your books,
(40 ways ... ?)
I'm adding it to my growing list of "books that I may never get to" ...
Thank you for sharing some wonderful bits of wisdom.

Cheers,
Mike

[Analee]

Some good commentary here on techniques to steer conversations in an affirmative direction...

I've read that a good way to approach interaction with another person is to pretend that one is interviewing them for an audience of people who are interested in what they do: You're on... Everything about that person is fascinating and wondrous (true of all of us if our hearts are really in the right place at any moment), and we are in the business of reflecting the full truth of that wondrousness back to them and to anyone else who wants to tune in!

When I'm having a difficult time with someone, I visualize them as a small child, almost a baby. It's amazingly easy to do this if you try it. I ask myself about all the hardship and disappointment that must have turned that golden baby into this crabbed adult. This visualization seldom fails to bring on some genuine and powerful feelings of compassion -- and everyone knows compassion is truly where it's at.

Also, I know that nothing can happen to me that is not compatible with and an expression of my own karma. Therefore, that individual was unarguably in place to teach me lessons that it was time for me to learn. I can always imagine more unpleasant ways to have learned these lessons than the ones I actually experienced, and this engenders feelings of gratitude (another completely right-on spiritual/emotional framework from which to operate in any situation), and the grateful feelings are further intensified by the realization that while I may have to deal with the individual for a moment or two (just long enough for me to learn that lesson and serve that divine purpose in their lives as well), they have to deal with themselves -- be themselves -- for an entire lifetime to have done that job for me.

Gee, when I look at it that way it seems like the very least I can do to find a thing or two which might interest them to talk about, here for a minute while we're keeping company, and really, we're alike in so many more ways than we're different (flashing on this helps come up with conversational topics) -- and even the ways in which we're different, when we can get over our fears and prejudices, are so very interesting to learn about!...

[Juicy]

How about some inspiration to those trying to find that happy place but still have some bad habits to break such as smoking or drinking aids to comfort?

[Dennis Ellis]

Excellent tips for building conversations. I am new to Toronto; few friends. So i realised it wasn't a lack of individuals to befriend but inadequate skills in to do so.

Thanks Gretchen; I have some folks to talk to!!

[Jim Batterson]

Hi, Gretchen,
Sorry for posting so late but I've been away from your site for a while. This is all very interesting, except the cadenza-ep2000w post, and even that had a curious charm.

Reminds me of a story:

My friend J. was in a consulting business with a partner and the two of them often took cross-country flights. When they sat in different rows they would play a little game to have a little contest.

Sitting next to a stranger they would start a conversation by simply asking "What do you do?" The way the game worked, regardless of the answer, they would respond "Really, me too!" The object was to keep the conversation going as long as possible, pretending to be a neurosurgeon or rocket scientist or mortuary technician without the other person catching on. J. and has partner would see who could go the longest, with the loser buying the winner dinner or whatever.

This all worked well until one day J. was traveling alone, had a long day and really did not want to engage a stranger in conversation. The fellow next to him asked him "What do you do?" Not wanting to engage, J. picked a response that he thought would end the conversation quickly: "I'm a hog renderer," to which his seatmate promptly replied "Really, me too!"

I don't recall how this story ends.

[dissertation writing]

Nice work keep it up?