Do you hoard your new underwear?

The most idiosyncratic and cryptic of “My Twelve Commandments” (see left column) is “Spend out.” What does that mean?

I have a miserly nature; by spending out, I mean to stop hoarding, to trust in abundance.

I find myself saving things, even when it makes no sense. Right now I’m forcing myself to spend out by wearing my new underwear.

Last week, as part of my July “buy a white t-shirt” campaign, I went to buy new underwear. When I got home, I forced myself to toss out my sorry old pairs, because I could feel myself tempted to “save” the new underwear. And indeed, even though the old underwear is gone, I find myself re-wearing the same laundered new pairs, so that I can “save” the new ones that are still neatly folded, with their tags on.

Why buy new clothes and then “save” them for months? Not wearing clothes is just as wasteful as throwing them away.

I have a great set of bookmarker pens—flat pens that can be stuck in a book, so that you can take notes as well as mark your place. I love them so much that I leave them in the case. That’s crazy—spend out, use them!

I once went to a bridal shower where every guest was given a black umbrella with a handle made from an old piece of silver, with the guest’s initial on it (zoikes). I loved my umbrella so much that I didn’t open it for three years. Finally I started to use it, and about 18 months later, the umbrella broke. But it was far better to use the umbrella, and enjoy it, than to have it sit in the closet.

I need to spend out by throwing things away. I re-use razor blades too many times, I keep my toothbrushes for too long. There is a virtue and a joy to frugality, and there is a preppy wabi-sabi to soft, faded khakis and frayed cotton shirts, but it’s not nice to be surrounded by things that are truly worn out or stained or used up.

And spend out applies to creativity as well as to possessions. I find myself thinking, “I should save that story…” or “I don’t want to use all my best examples now…” But pouring out ideas is better for creativity than doling them out by the teaspoon.

My post on Wednesday was a perfect example. I had a lot of fun working on the organization quiz. But when I considered posting it, I had to fight the urge to hold it back. What am I waiting for? I'm reminded of tagline for the Broadway show Rent—which gave me a shock every time it blasted out at me from the ubiquitous taxi ads—No day but today.

*

I’m leaving tomorrow for vacation, so this will be my last post for a week. Last night, in a happiness-project inspired act, I went ahead and packed for me, the Little Girl, and the Big Girl, so I have today to worry about hunting down the odds and ends.

Because I’ve been reading so much non-fiction about happiness, I haven’t been reading many novels lately. So for vacation I’m taking Marilynne Robinson’s Housekeeping (I loved Gilead); Benjamin Disraeli’s Coningsby (ever since I wrote Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, I’ve been meaning to read Disraeli); Mrs. Gaskell’s Wives and Daughters (about time I read something by her); Philip Roth’s American Pastoral (I’m not a big Roth fan, but several people have told me they think it’s the best novel of the 20th century); and as a special treat, Vikram Chandra’s Sacred Games (not yet published, supposed to be superb, I got a copy of the galley).

Looking at this list, I realize—am I crazy? We're only going away for a week, and chasing around after a seventeen-month-old is hardly compatible with doing a lot of serious reading. Oh well, I’ll try. But I think the Big Man will have to carry that duffel bag.

Comments

[annmarie]

Gretchen, just a note to let you know how much I'm enjoying your blog and looking forward to your book. You're helping me notice what it is that really matters to me, things I thought too trival to try to secure for myself before. Each of your posts resonates on some level.

So keep up the good work, and have a great vacation! Your reading agenda makes me cast a wary eye at my nightstand, which is about to buckle under the weight of books I'm "reading right now."

[Monica Ricci]

Gretchen,
Your post reminds me of the one I wrote on June 18th called Don't Pack Your Life Away...it was about these pretty linen napkins that I found in my mother's house after she died. I lived in that house for a LONG time and never even SAW those napkins. She was apparently "saving" them. For what, I have no idea. But she never did get to use them. Now they're mine and I'm sure as heck gonna use them the next time I have someone over for dinner, which come to think of it, is tomorrow night!

So Bravo (or is it Brava?) to you for "spending out"!! Life is too short to save your good china or your good lingerie or your good ANYTHING for later because truly, later may never come. Awesome post today and a great reminder for us all.
~Monica

[Larry P]

I came upon your blog via a post by Monica Ricci. Thank you Ms. Ricci.

I'm not sure the appropriate place to suggest a quote about happiness for you, so I will try here.

"Believe in yourself. After that, everything is easier" ~ Larry P ~

Enjoy the vacation

[Gretchen Rubin]

Thanks so much for those nice posts--and Monica, thanks for posting on YOUR blog about MINE! Monica's memory of her mother's napkins reminds me of the never-opened bottle of perfume, "My Sin," thirty years old, that I found on my grandmother's nightstand. I keep it, still unopened, in my bathroom cabinet as a reminder. Having a place for people to post their favorite happiness quotes is a great idea...hmmm...I will have to see if I can rig that up. I appreciate your taking the time to write. Now I'm off for vacation --

[Ali]

I am a hoarder as well! I am spending this Saturday morning bagging up lots of clothes, undies, socks that are all worn out or never used. I haven't made quite as much progress as I'd like (I still have a lot of clothes I can't part with yet) but I did manage to get 4 big bags out of the house. :o)

The more I think about it, I realize I would much rather have high quality clothes (and shoes, etc) that I LOVE and will use a lot, then tons and tons of cheap stuff that I got because it was a 'good deal'. It isn't a good deal if it hinders me from organizing my house and is laying in piles in my bedroom because I've run out of space! :)

PS- I added you to my site, under the category 'domestic perfection'. ;o)

[Monica Ricci]

Ali that's so great to hear! What a powerful mindset shift for you! :) ~Monica

[Ali]

Thanks Monica :o)

[Susan]

That's so funny...I can relate too...I have to clear out the clutter so I can think and then I sometimes have to force myself to buy a few nice little things..just for me. I tend to be overly frugal so I really do have to force myself but it really helps create a calm clean environment. Thanks for a great website. It's awesome.

[Zsuzsa]

Gretchen, Thank you soooo much for this post! Not spending out is such an issue for me (broken/old elastic in a bra I wore 3 times in a 6 year period....sadly true). To think it's just as wasteful to buy clothes and not wear them as thtowing them away really hit home. Thanks, again!!

[Penny Hammack]

I used to work for a lady who had a great seamstress. The seamstress would make my boss a dress then my boss would hang it in the closet for two or three years. When she finally wore it we would all compliment it and she would say in effect "This old thing, I've had it for years". Drove us up the wall.

[Char]

Have a great (break? -- books, baby AND partner?!) Gretchen;-)

I am getting accustomed to following the link on some item in your incoming emails-it's always a new angle that you express on an otherwise cliche!

These comments on hoarding are the clearest I've noted on the subject. I too am (I'm learning...) extremely frugal, an admirable characteristic within my resource management learning context that I as much attribute to my partially Germanic enculturation as to a personal trait.

I feel clearer about how frugality can derail into hoarding, having read your shared inclination and thanks so much for just the perspective that can support my breaking this deficit-orientation trend!

[Jyoti]

As I was reading, I wanted to respond - Gretchen, pending further exploration, this may be the one thing that we have in common. Then I read the comments - seems like and very reassuringly so, that I am not the only one. I do buy new/nice things and recently have gone overboard doing so but have a hard time parting with the old/unused/bought-cos-it-was-a-good-deal stuff. I have made progress though - I inspect one tiny hole in my sons' clothing, it goes in a dustbin. But I still don't agree with the joy of having used a nice umbrella only to have it broken. I still mourn the loss of a nice red umbrella with peacock head handle that my mother-in-law (the opposite of me) insisted on using, wasn't careful enough and ended up breaking it! Yes, I am a hoarder - things that I love, I wish they never fade away or wear out and last forever and ever.

[Trina]

Oh, Gretchen... I can't believe that there is someone else out there that does this, too! I have struggled with this for years. I realized it WAS contributing to my mental dismalness! I thought I should be keeping some of my new, better stuff just in case of (so pessimistic, here!) "bad days ahead". Sadly, I found that I have even pushed it over on my own daughter (i.e. don't use up all the battery power in your toys!) I think that's when I realized it. Now, I am on the track to using it all up today...'cause who knows about tomorrow! I just have to keep reminding myself EVERYDAY!

[elizabeth louros]

I thought I was the only person who "saved" things. I have lots of things I am saving too. I know I need to stop but I can't help myself.

[betty]

This is a hard one for me. It's not that I can't use the new stuff - just that I can't throw out the old. Why? "The shirt is still in reasonable condition but I haven't worn it for a while (a long while) but maybe next time I go shopping (or the time after or the time after that) there'll be a pair of pants that will look really great with just that shirt!!" Trouble is, that shirt (or 10 of them) can be around for years and never get worn, but I'm still scared to throw it out in case at some point in time I will need JUST THAT SHIRT. I'm trying hard, but I take out 5 things that are cluttering up my cupboard, and end up putting 4 of them back. yikes!!

[madonnamarman]

Gretchen, when I read that you loved "Gilead", I knew I'd check your blog frequently.

And I do hoard, but live near the San Andreas Fault, and think of all those warm ski clothes we might need when "The Big One" strikes, things we haven't worn for years. Today I'm throwing the whole duffle bag out. We have lots of other stuff for keeping warm, and the old stuff is probably ruined anyway. Whew, what a relief!

Also, I joined a blog you suggested, because I love novels about WWII. Am now reading "Suite Francaise", and can't wait to recommend your "Happiness Project", as soon as it comes out, for my book club. Our last one was "The Guernsey Potato Peel Pie Society".

m

PPS Check out the blog palmabella's passions. She has more clutter than anyone I know, and is about the happiest person I know as well, a fellow book club member. Go figure. But she's a psychologist.

[catherine the great]

had to post, as i've never seen anything on the internet about this, and i believe it's common. i think you stopped short of musing on the cause, which i believe to be anxiety. the more i simplify, the more i find my unused stuff to represent little piles of anxiety i have tucked around my home!
[recommendation to the ww2 book reader: novels by nevil shute!]
happy new year!

[madamish]

I am reminded of a story my mom told me about her grandmother. One Easter, in the 1930's, my great-grandmother was given a large fancy chocolate egg, elaborately decorated with icing flowers. My mom, of course, wanted to eat some of the chocolate, by my g-grandmother forbid anyone to touch the egg, and put it up on a shelf to be admired. Years later, white with age and dusty, the egg was finally thrown away. The person who gave the egg to my g-grandmother wasted their money: no one ever ate the chocolate.

[Brian LaMoure]

I collect quotes that touch me and have about 95 pages of them. The following is the second quote I have and seems appropriate here:

One day they came to him and asked, "how can you be happy in a world of such impermanence, where you cannot protect your loved ones from harm, illness and death?"

The master held up a glass and said, "Someone gave me this glass, and I really like it. It holds my water admirably and it glistens in the sunlight. I touch it and it rings! One day the wind may blow it off of my shelf, or my elbow may knock it from the table... I know it is already gone in the future, so today... today, I enjoy it incredibly."

[Michele]

Gretchen, this post reminds me of an Erma Bombeck story: she recalled having a beautiful candle on her coffee table (either a gift from someone or a "treat" for herself - I forget now), but she insisted on keeping the candle unlit because she didn't want it to melt away. Well one day, it did just that - the sun had hit it hard enough and long enough to turn it into a pool of wax on her coffee table, and in the end she never got to experience the joy of burning it. Since hearing that story many years ago I have made a point to always "spend out" whenever I can. Kids are always a good reminder to live that way too!

[thelittlefluffycat]

I did a piece a long time ago on something I called "the handkerchief project" -- at my Dad's funeral, I saw people with dissolving kleenex and wondered what ever became of handkerchiefs. I started acquiring unused vintage linen handkerchiefs on ebay -- some had been decorated, but many many had never even been touched! -- and learned to do simple finework, and then gave them out far and wide in my family, to men and women both, with instructions that they be used. I think my happiest sighting, since then, was the niece who carried one of hers as her "something old" -- and then used it, when the moment overcame her!

It's all part of being nicer to ourselves. The masks have fallen, people -- put your own on first so you can better tend to others! :)

[Mariann]

Instead of throwing out those new things how about donating them to a thrift store? Ok not the old underware or anything stained of course!

[Randy]

I have two pairs of new pants that are two years old that I'm saving for the right occasion. You've inspired me!

Two years ago, I took a four-month trip around the world and for the first two months, kept my spending to a minimum. Halfway through the trip, I was in some bug infested hostel and realized my frugality was getting out of control. The next day, I check into a nice hotel for a few days. For the rest of the trip, something changed inside me and I started to relax and spend what I needed to be comfortable (without blowing my budget too badly.

I kept a blogabout it

[Myrna]

Thanks for writing about the Spend Out concept. On the one hand, by buying something special for myself and keeping it in the closet I am telling myself that I am worth the new precious dress, cosmetic, etc. (which I don't want to use because then it will no longer be as precious and new). On the other hand, by not using it, I send myself a constant reminder that I do not feel worthy of the new special something. Reminding myself to spend out is a new way to stop the procrastination and give worthiness a chance. Thanks again.

[Becca Rothaug]

"...and there is a preppy wabi-sabi to soft, faded khakis and frayed cotton shirts..." Gretchen, thanks so much for this line; for the lovely lyrical sound and also for the introduction to the Japanese world view of wabi-sabi. Soon my own version of such khakis will fit me once again!

[Michele]

I had to laugh out loud when you said that about hoarding underwear, because I, too, have a set of underwear I'm saving. The problem is, I have a really tough time finding underwear to covers exactly the way I like, so I hoard. My new goal is to wear them all before I wear the "broken-in" pair!

Thank you for making me laugh at myself!

[Karen]

Guilty! I totally hoard new underwear and keep toothbrushes and t-shirts for far too long! I also hang on to my stories...hmmm.

[denbo]

Ms. Gretchen, I thank you for the spend out idea. I too, am guilty of saving things to use at just the right time. I must admit that this hit home and today I am making a very conscious effort to "use it or lose it". Time to take care of me, and enjoy the small things that I can do for myself.

[Jenie Floyd]

I love this post. I have tried to follow this concept for years. I call it "Don't save the good towels for the guests." It's the same idea - don't save all the good stuff, use it now! There really is no day but today. I love your blog, Gretchen, and can't wait for the book.

[Linda]

I like the spend out concept especially for creativity and things non- material. I think we are too much of a throw away society. I use my old undies when I have my "."
;-)

[Laura]

This is too hilarious. I do EXACTLY the same thing. I bought a new dress that I am in love with - and what do I do? never wear it. Thanks for the reminder to 'spend out' and stop being so ridiculuos.

[lauren]

Truly "scary"...but wow, I completely identify with this posts (and many others as well). I don't see myself as a hoarder, but I am...I have so many nice things that I don't use, just because. From now on, I will try my best to apply the spend out principle.

[lynn]

interesting topic. I do the same thing - I wear/keep my possessions until they are falling apart and are too far gone to give to Goodwill. In the meantime, there are new things in the closet with the tags still on them. It's weird. I don't think it's a frugality thing though, because I am a real spender. I think it's more of a hoarding thing. I look at it this way - there are 2 kinds of people in the world. The ones who save the cherry in fruit cocktail until last - and the ones who eat it first. :)

[RichardBloom]

Gretchen,

I think your article on spend out is so right for these uncertain times. We're not sure if we'll have jobs tomorrow or healthcare, so we tend to "hoard." This isn't living. I buy new pants and never wear them. is that nuts? Thanks

Richard

[hot and wild cheerleaders]

great post, keep up the positive work

[jennifer gump]

Ah-ha. The hook was your comments on Desiderata. I first came across it when I was simultaneously working part time at a crisis center and part time at a battered women's shelter years ago, while also a student at Kent State. It helped keep me sane. Your book sounds interesting and I will buy it from a local bookseller, struggling not to be sucked under in these economic times. Add that to my list of things to do-- check on the local book-seller to see if she is still afloat. I am almost afraid to. I tried following a link to "Pre order from local booksellers" and my lame computer just sat there and whirred. On watching some of the recent special on PBS re. our great National Parks, I have been reminded how much I miss walks in the woods. I grew up in the country and used to take walks all of the time to clear my head. Since moving to suburbia, I don't know what has happened. There are trails here and sidewalks, but I guess when I think about wanting a walk, I want also to avoid other humans who distract from the enjoyment of the elements. How unsociable is that?!
Or gee, it could be that I am just lazy and am looking to make excuses. I do know that when I lived at home, I was often walking the country mile from my home to my cousin's, which distracted me from the fact that I was actually exercising, thereby making it far more enjoyable! There was a dirt road between there and there that dipped down into a wooded ravine where I would sometimes see a beautiful indigo bunting. The elussive bluebird of happiness?!

[Fufina514]

Not sure how I ended up here on your blog but did enjoy this post so much that I am going to add you to my list of blogs I read. Had returned from a vacation in London and wanting to read about Churchill. Your approach sounding intriguing and now I'll be reading your book.

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