Tips for being a more light-hearted parent.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
Because of an internet problem, I'm reposting this Wednesday's tips today.
Today: Tips…for being a more light-hearted parent.

I’ve been working on being a more light-hearted parent: less nagging, more laughing. Here are some tips—many suggested by friends—that have helped.

1. At least once a day, make each child helpless with laughter.

2. Folk wisdom holds that unless you want to do something every day, never do it three times in a row. So when the Big Girl had the flu, I lay in bed with her until she fell asleep for two nights. But not three nights.

3. Sing in the morning. It’s hard both to sing and to maintain a grouchy mood, and it sets a happy tone for everyone—particularly in my case, because I’m tone deaf and my audience finds my singing a source of great hilarity.

4. Get enough sleep. It’s so tempting to stay up late, to enjoy the peace and quiet. But 6:30 a.m. comes fast.

5. I’m often crabby with my children when I’m actually annoyed with myself. I forgot to buy more diapers for the Little Girl, so I snap at the Big Girl. Because I’m not good at concealing crankiness, I try to avoid feeling cranky by getting organized the night before, making sure I’m not rushed, etc.

6. I’ve been researching the “hedonic treadmill”: people quickly adapt to new pleasures or luxuries, so it takes a new pleasure to give them a jolt of gratification. As a result, I’ve cut back on treats and impulse buys. The ice-cream sandwich or the Polly Pockets set won’t be an exciting treat if it isn’t rare.

7. Most messages to kids are negative: “stop,” “don’t,” “no.” So I try to cast my answers as “yes.” “Yes, we’ll go as soon as you’ve finished eating,” not “We’re not leaving until you’ve finished eating.” It’s not easy to remember to do this, but I’m trying.

8. One friend prods his children into cleaning their rooms by telling them, “I’m going to clean your room unless you want to.” They can’t stand the thought of him messing with their stuff, so they take over. The Big Girl doesn’t care if I clean up her room, so this threat doesn’t make her do any cleaning, but then at least she can’t protest at how I’ve done it.

9. Repetition works with kids, so use the school mantras: “Sit square in your chair;” “accidents will happen,” “you get what you get, and you don’t get upset” (i.e., when cupcakes or shakers or whatever are handed out, you don’t keep trying to switch).

10. Make up your own mantras. A friend told me he was yelling at his kids too much, so he distilled all rules of behavior into four key phrases: “keep your hands to yourself”; “answer the first time you’re asked”; “ask first”; and “stay with us” (his kids tended to bolt).

11. Say “no” only when it really matters. Wear a bright red shirt with bright orange shorts? Sure. Put water in the toy tea set? Okay. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed? Fine. Samuel Johnson said, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.”

12. When I find myself thinking, “Soon, no more stroller,” or “Soon, no more high chair,” I remind myself how fleeting this is. All too soon the age of Cheerios and the Tooth Fairy will be over. The days are long, but the years are short.

We all want a peaceful, cheerful, even joyous, atmosphere at home—but we can’t nag and yell our way to get there. It's taking me a lot of effort to alter my parental habits, but even minor changes have made a big difference. So think about ways, like those listed above, to cut back on the shouting and to add moments of laughing, singing, and saying “yes.”

Comments

[Alison Tuck]

These are all sound strategies for chilling out at the parenting job. The first one - making kids helpless with laughter each day - well that's a tall order, but a worthy aim. Once a week would make me feel pretty good. On top of that, it's a bonus. Nice post and thoughtful too.

[Bob M]

All good points. The days are long, but the years are short - that's not a phrase I've heard before, but I like the sentiment. If I find my inner crank taking over, which usually manifests itself with too much shouting at my son, then the next day I try to do things according to his timetable instead of mine. But I'll never do it for three days in a row.

[dana hoey]

Oh phew Gretchen I needed that. I am on a run of no child care - yah I know people consider themselves lucky to take care of their kids full time (and not work) but I'm... not used to it! So any help I can get turning my brain toward the positive is fantastic. I'll try the singing tomorrow.

[(((((HUGS))))) sandi]

This is GREAT STUFF! Thanks for sharing! (((((HUGS))))) sandi~lovin' all your tips!

[Mary Kay Morrison]

I think you might be interested in an organization that I belong to. AATH is an international organization dedicated to supporting our membership as they advance the benefits of laughter and humor. Your web site indicates that you provide programs that are aligned with the philosophy and mission of AATH. AATH supports individuals who have the same mission that you do- bringing laughter, joy and humor to folks around the world.

Do check out our web site for information about our conference in January. It is a cruise out of San Diego and promises to be a great opportunity for learning and fun.

[Jean]

These are nice little tips, but parenting can be really easy if you change your parent mentality all together. Once you feature the child as having main importance, everything else suddenly takes a backseat, and you don't mind it there.
Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort, is the best book I've ever read. It has made me a better and happier parent immediately. Recognizing the child as having a distinct personality and deciding to let that flourish, has in turn, freed me.

[Karen]

My recent tip 11 experience... To my mom, everything "really matters". She was terribly upset that I let my 6-year old son make and eat a chocolate sandwich, made of chocolate syrup and wheat bread. I was terribly IMPRESSED that he got out all the utensils and ingredients, ate it, cleaned up himself and the table (with a little prodding), and put everything away! I recommended he try it with peanut butter too next time!

[sveta]

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[sveta]

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