This Wednesday: Seven tips for defusing a child's tantrum.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips for defusing a child’s tantrum.

We all know we’re supposed to set reasonable boundaries, have clear expectations, follow predictable routines, blah, blah, blah—but what can you do right this minute if your child is starting to howl with frustration after learning that no, actually, we’re out of Cheerios?

These are strategies that have worked for me.

The secret is to acknowledge the reality of children’s wishes. This sounds obvious, but think about how easy it is to deny their feelings: “You can’t possibly want another Lego set, you never play with the ones you have.” “That toy is just junk.” “You can’t be hungry, you just had dinner.” “Of course you want to go, you love going to Grandpa’s house.” “You’re not scared of clowns.”

When you don’t fight children’s feelings, they’re better able to handle frustration.

1. Write it down. This is weirdly effective, even with kids too young to read. Seeing you put words on paper reassures them that you’ve registered their desires. At first, with the Big Girl, I would explain that I was writing a list – for the grocery store, for Christmas – but then I realized she didn’t need a promise that her wish would be fulfilled. It was enough just to say, “I’m going to write that down!”

2. Wave your magic wand. This works especially well if your child loves a particular magic story. We’ve gone through, “If I were Glinda, I would wave my magic wand to make the rain go away!” to “If I were Willy Wonka, I’d make a medicine that tasted just like Tootsie Rolls!” to “If I were Dumbledore, I’d conjure a magic carpet so we could fly the rest of the way instead of walk!”

3. Listen for the true concern. When the Big Girl said to me, “Everyone pays more attention to the Little Girl than to me,” I had a rare moment of wisdom enough to bite back my first responses: “You know that’s not true,” or “Didn’t I just play ten game of Blink with you?” Instead, I said, “No matter what, you know that you are our most precious, darling girl, and no one would ever forget about you, or think that someone else is more important than you.” She skipped off.

4. Accept that your child might feel differently from you. You’re cold, maybe your child isn’t. So why insist on a sweater? What’s the worse that can happen if a kid goes outside without a sweater?

5. Make an unannoying joke. This is extremely effective, but also practically impossible to pull off, because a whining kid will suck every particle of humor out of your head. But if you can manage it, you’ll feel great. The Big Girl complained to me, “I don’t want to go to Tae Kwon Do.” I wanted to say, “You always say you don’t want to go, but then you have fun,” or “I don’t like to hear all this griping.” Instead, I said, “You’re a poet and you don’t know it!” After a minute I added, “I don’t give a snap about going to Tap.” The Big Girl answered, “I want to stop going to Hip Hop.” I hate every kind of bathroom humor, but she loves it, so I whispered, “I don’t give a fart about going to Art.” We laughed until our stomachs hurt. Remember, though, even if you think you’re being funny, if you’re annoying your child with your jokes, you’ll only make things worse.

6. Repeat the desire aloud. Crazily enough, just repeating what a child is saying, to show that you understand the message, will often restore peace. “You’re having fun at home. You don’t feel like leaving to go the school picnic, you want to keep looking at your book of optical illusions. But now we have to get ready to go.”

This last tip also works with adults. For example, the Big Man asked me to send a particular tricky email. I sent it, but it didn’t say exactly what he’d wanted. He complained, “I asked you to send a particular message, and I don’t know why you didn’t just do it the way I wanted.” Instead of answering defensively with something like, “Well, I think my solution was better,” or “Then you should have sent the email yourself,” I said, “You wish I’d sent the email the way you wanted.” And that was it! We both instantly felt the air clear.

7. Don’t pay TOO much attention. Notwithstanding the six tips above, I’ve realized recently that I think I’ve fallen into the habit of paying special attention to the Big Girl when I sense a fit of pique approaching. That’s not good, because it means I'm rewarding behavior I want to discourage. So I’ve been working on applying the six tips above without making a big song-and-dance out of it.
*
I just discovered a site, Kiddley, with great parenting information -- projects, links, tips, information, great graphics. It inspired me to try to come up with a new project to do with the Big Girl. I also found Finslippy, a blog kept by a very funny mother (although why it's called Finslippy, I'm not sure).

Comments

[HollyRhea]

Brilliant. A lot of this sounds like Haim Ginott's advice in "Between Parent and Child", which is my standard for parenting (granted, my kid's hardly verbal, but I'm practicing for the day I'll have to respond to her words.). Thanks for this.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm so glad to have a new recommendation for a parenting book -- I'm always on the lookout for something good to read. My personal favorite is "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." Outstanding! The authors (I can never remember their names) also wrote a terrific book, "Siblings Without Rivalry."

[angelfeet]

I love these suggestions, and I'll hunt out those books that were mentioned, too. I particularly like "Listen for the True Concern" which, if we just take the time to listen, is usually extremely insightful and therefore helpful. Sometimes it's not always easy to remember when your child (or you) are mid-tantrum, though!

[nyjlm]

I'm pretty sure I've read that the How to Talk ladies were students of Ginott.

My 4.5 yo dd has just cycled out of a period of high intensity tantruming on a daily basis. I used many things on your list to make it through every day. I also worked with her on ways to get herself back in control- guided imagery, deep breathing, mom just being near and/or holding her if she wanted.

I'm really enjoying your blog- about a year and a half ago I read several of Martin Seligman's books and they've really influenced my life for the better!

[Monica Ricci]

WOW these are brilliant! It almost makes me want to have a kid of my own and give these tactics a try!

I said 'almost'. ;)

Monica

[Laura S.]

Emotion coaching is also key to help a child deal with the complexity of what they're feeling. And, it shows them how to deal with those emotions more effectively in the future.

[undercovermutha]

#6 is the only one that I really feel is effective at addressing the issue at hand and repeating the initial request. I'm not so sure about #1, especially with ones that can't read. I'm sure my daughter would either rip the paper up or ask for crayons to color the paper some more. #2 seems awfully confusing for the under-three crowd. Story time is great, but you have to make sure that boundaries are stated. Many of the scenarios are good at distracting the child, but do not teach them discipline. After all, eventually the child will realize the consequence of their actions, and if that consequence is storytime, then we're all in deep doo doo.

I've had some really good luck with some parenting advice I found on Mary P's daycaredaze Blogger site. She has three great posts that I've found to be quite effective with my two-year-old daughter.

The series can be found here:
http://daycaredaze.blogspot.com/2005/09/tantrums-philosophical-background-or.html
http://daycaredaze.blogspot.com/2005/09/anti-tantrums-more-philosophy.html
http://daycaredaze.blogspot.com/2005/09/anti-tantrums-more-philosophy.html

[Moxie]

Hi Gretchen. Loved this post! (Linked over from Parenthacks.) Writing it down is absolutely brilliant, and I'm going to buy a special little notebook to carry around for this purpose.

Most of what Faber and Mazlich wrote ("How to Talk..." and "Siblings Without Rivalry" for sure) is based on Haim Ginott's work. "Between Parent and Child" is sort of the ur-manual on communicating effectively with kids. Faber and Mazlich have expanded and made his ideas more specific, as has Lawrence Cohen in "Playful Parenting."

Now I'm off to read all of the Happiness Project archives.

[hedra]

We write things down in the Palm Pilot. No need to carry paper. (granted, the younger two see the Palm and immediately want to play games on it...)

We have used all of the above to good effect (must read the same books!). I'll also add:

Problem-solve together. Many tantrums my kids have are because they know that what they're asking is going to conflict with an existing rule or expectation. They've pre-processed the "No" response, and freak out before I've even had a chance to say it out loud.

When I sense the lock-up phase coming on, I go into collaborative problem solving mode. "We have a problem! You want me to carry you to the car, and I need to push the stroller to the car. How can we solve this so we both get what we want?" Nearly always, we can find a good compromise (I recommend coming up with several ideas before settling on one), and as long as my child feels included in the process, feels 'heard', then the issue goes away without a tantrum. Even when we can't compromise, the placing of my child's problem on equal footing with mine enables them to drop it without a tantrum if we cannot reach a compromise at that time. In my example, the solution was, "carry me to the school door (a whole four steps), and then go back and get the stroller while I wait here, and then we'll walk the rest of the way together." Having put the problems on the same footing from my end also makes it easier to accomodate the solution without eye-rolling. I start to see tbat their problems are as big for them as mine are for me.

[Shiri]

Hi,
As a mother of 2, the older in the ever-so-whiny phase known as "being a 3 years old" I read this post with awe. To say it's good advice will be an understatement. Now I just have to muster the patience to actually do all of the above while #1 is whining and #2 is trying to crawl down from a high table... no, but seriously, this is one of the most helpful things I've read. thank you.

[murava]

my name is murava! are you? http://www.benimblog.com/murava/

[murava]

my name is murava! are you? http://www.benimblog.com/murava/

[tulip]

Great tips! Kiddley is wonderful as is Alice's blog over at Finslippy. She actually has a post regarding the name that is pretty neat!
I'm going to print these out and hang them on our kitchen calendar.