Facebook Page


Join the Super-Fans!

My Photo

If you'd like a copy of my resolutions chart

  • Just drop me an email. The first part is grubin (then that familiar symbol). The second part is gretchenrubin (then a period, then a com). Sorry to be convoluted--because of spam.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

Secrets of Adulthood.

  • The best reading is re-reading.
  • Outer order contributes to inner calm.
  • The opposite of a great truth is also true.
  • You manage what you measure.
  • By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.
  • People don’t notice your mistakes and flaws as much as you think.
  • It's nice to have plenty of money.
  • Most decisions don't require extensive research.
  • Try not to let yourself get too hungry.
  • Even if you think they're fake, it's nice to celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day.
  • If you can't find something, clean up.
  • The days are long, but the years are short.
  • Someplace, keep an empty shelf.
  • Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.
  • It's okay to ask for help.
  • You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you LIKE to do.
  • Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.
  • What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.
  • You don't have to be good at everything.
  • Soap and water removes most stains.
  • It's important to be nice to EVERYONE.
  • You know as much as most people.
  • Over-the-counter medicines are very effective.
  • Eat better, eat less, exercise more.
  • What's fun for other people may not be fun for you--and vice versa.
  • People actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their registry.
  • Houseplants and photo albums are a lot of trouble.
  • If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.
  • No deposit, no return.

Happiness theories I reject.

  • Flaubert: "To be stupid, and selfish, and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness; though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."
  • Vauvenargues: “There are men who are happy without knowing it.”
  • Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
  • Sartre: "Hell is other people."
  • Willa Cather: “One cannot divine nor forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them…”
  • Alexander Smith: “We are never happy; we can only remember that we were so once.”
  • John Stuart Mill: “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.”
  • G.K. Chesterton: “Happiness is a mystery, like religion, and should never be rationalised.”
  • Solon: “Let no man be called happy before his death. Till then, he is not happy, only lucky.”

StatCounter2


Sitemeter

« This Saturday: a quote from John Szarkowski. | Main | Pollyanna Week: it's harder than it sounds, so I'm wearing a reminder bracelet. »

About Pollyanna week, and also spontaneous trait transference.

I’ve been noticing lately how critical people are. The restaurant was a disappointment, or the party was dreary, or the speakers were dull, or the kids were badly behaved, or the dinner companions were pompous, or the movie was stupid, or the book was overrated. Why must everyone do so much whining, carping, and complaining?

And, oh yeah, I think I might be getting a little over-critical, myself.

So I’ve declared this week Pollyanna Week. For one week, I’ve vowed, I won’t utter one word of criticism or complaint. If I can’t say something nice, I won’t say anything at all.Pollyanna

One reason I decided to do this is because of the tremendous efficacy of my commandment to “Act as I would feel.” I want to feel enthusiastic, warm, and accepting, and I’m not going to get there by constantly making snarky comments.

The other reason is that I realized the truth of Samuel Johnson’s observation: “To hear complaints is wearisome alike to the wretched and the happy.”

So I set off down the sidewalk this morning, deep in thought about Pollyanna week, and by 9:35 a.m. I’d already broken my resolution.

During my weight-training, my instructor and I were talking about mercury levels in fish. And I criticized an article I'd read recently.

“The headline was deceptive,” I said, in a disparaging tone. “It seemed to say that eating fish had been shown to be great for your health, but then the body of the article made all sorts of exceptions -- like children and women of childbearing age. It was misleading."

Then five minutes later – aaack. I realized I’d broken my resolution.

Now, it’s true, I made what I consider to be a valid criticism of the article. And it's true that drawing distinctions and making critical judgments are crucial to sophisticated discernment.

But most of the criticism I indulge in isn’t of that sort; it’s not thoughtful critique, or constructive analysis, but instead kneejerk bad-mouthing. And so to get myself out of fault-finding mode, I’m just going to quit cold turkey instead of trying to make nice distinctions between types of criticism.

Last night I was reading a fascinating book, David Myers's Intuition: Its Powers and Perils. And it gave me another reason to stop being so critical.

In “spontaneous trait transference,” people spontaneously and unintentionally associate what you say about the qualities of other people with the qualities of you yourself. So if I tell Jean that Pat is arrogant or stupid, unconsciously Jean will associate that quality with me. On the other hand, if I say that Pat is brilliant or hilarious, I’ll be linked to those qualities. Ever wondered why people want to kill the messenger who brings bad news? Trait transference. So by being more generous and enthusiastic, I'll be helping my own reputation as well as other people's.

**
At 11:45, I broke my vow again. Pollyanna Week is going to be tougher than I thought.


Comments

Just . . . be glad there's only 6 more days till Sunday :)

I love this post! I think I'll try Pollyanna week myself. There - I've done it for five seconds already.

Seriously, this is a great idea. I'm going to try it for a day first, and see how it goes.

Great blog. It goes in my blog roll. On a related note I have been struggling with a question that you may have an answer.

Why do people who have enough money work? Is this for achieving greater happiness? I have my doubts.

And something to ponder...I read somewhere that there are 3 key elements to happiness...healthy mind, healthy body and true friends.

Fabulous post! I'll join you in this challenge.

Good luck everyone! Report on how you do with Pollyanna Week. I for one am finding it much tougher than I expected. I suppose that's the point.

Ah, the relationship between money and happiness. So complicated, so fascinating. But the short answer, I think, is that money is so much more than money. It's also a grade; a tool for relating to other people; a fantasy; a security blanket; an attempt to control the future; a purpose. So there are many reasons to keep piling it up.

It's a great idea. I've tried to do this many times before, but I've never had a name for it. Maybe with a name, it will have more power over me. If not, I'll get a clunky orange bracelet.

Follow up on money question...Is there a subsitute for money at least partially. especially when you hhave sufficient amount to meet your needs in a decent manner.

I am not referring to Yogi's or priests. That is an extreme. For regular normal folks can they create a substitute once their basic needs are met. All in the hope of a better happier life.

Re: the above comment
How about love?

RE: money substitute.

I'd suggest "time." It's the only thing we REALLY have in absolutely limited quantities. I think money's great to the extent it can buy freedom - to do what you want with the time you have (even if it's work at a job you enjoy).

Here's a link to a study illustrating how people's measure of happiness is inversely correllated to (among other things) their commute time. More discretionary time => more happiness. http://www.false-profit.com/strategy/buyinghappiness

The guy who wrote "Stumbling on Happiness" talks a lot about how money actually does not make people much happier. We find this hard to believe because our entire system is based on the idea of acquiring more.

Separately, one reason why people continue working even when they have lots of money is that it's only through engagement, which usually comes in the form of work, that people experience "flow", or "peak experience." Many people are actually depressed when they have a lot of leisure. See "Finding Flow," by Csikszentmihalyi

Verify your Comment

Previewing your Comment

This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.

Working...
Your comment could not be posted. Error type:
Your comment has been posted. Post another comment

The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image. Please try again.

As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.

Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.

Working...

Post a comment

ORDER THE BOOK

Want to start your own happiness-project group?

Check out one of my one-minute movies.

Want to get my monthly newsletter?

Your email address:


Powered by FeedBlitz

Follow Me On Twitter

  • Follow me on Twitter

Twitter Counter

My earth-shattering happiness formula.

  • To be happier, you need to think about FEELING GOOD, FEELING BAD, and FEELING RIGHT, in an atmosphere of growth. Clunky, but it works.

My second ground-breaking insight into happiness.

  • One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

9Rules

  • 9rules

LifeRemix

  • LifeRemix

What started me thinking.

  • "Whoever is happy will make others happy, too." Mark Twain.
  • “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Robert Louis Stevenson
  • "Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
  • “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” Simone Weil
  • “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” Colette
  • “It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” G. K. Chesterton
  • “A man’s first care should be to avoid the reproaches of his own heart.” Joseph Addison
  • “For the love of God and my Sisters (so charitable toward me) I take care to appear happy and especially to be so.” St. Therese
  • “Best is good. Better is best.” Lisa Grunwald
  • “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.” Samuel Johnson
  • “I must do the work that I am best suited for…” Edward Weston daybook
  • “Order is Heaven’s first law.” Alexander Pope
  • “How slight and insignificant is the thing which casts down or restores a mind greedy for praise.” Horace

My books

Quantcast

Google Analytics