Do you ever feel happy IN COMPARISON?

I've witnessed several episodes today that, by contrast, made me feel incredibly lucky.

First, I joined the Big Girl's second-grade field trip to the Empire State Building. (I'd never been there before; I think I was more excited than she was.) While walking around, I overheard a couple talking to each other.

"Well, this was another one of your brilliant ideas," said the wife contemptuously. "It must be 30 below out here."
"If you used half a brain when you get ready in the morning," he answered, "instead of dressing like a teenager going to the mall, you wouldn't be so cold."
Etc.

Several hours later, when I was standing in line to buy a salad, a woman rushed in with a baby SCREAMING in his stroller--not just sobs, but piercing shrieks. The woman looked around the store with wild eyes, pushed to the head of the line, and asked, "Did anyone find a brown pocketbook? I was here an hour ago!" The clerk shook her head, and the woman hurried out the door.
Phew.

After lunch, I settled down with my laptop in the New York Society Library, where the guy sitting next to me was diligently working his way through a Kaplan workbook for one of the graduate-school tests. MCAT? LSAT? GMAT? I couldn't tell which one he was preparing for, but I remember all too well poring over those workbooks when I was studying for the law-school test and for the bar exam.
Yuck.

I didn't take pleasure in these people's unhappy situations, but witnessing each scene did lift my spirits in an odd way. I felt so thankful that I didn't have that kind of marriage; that I wasn't dealing with a hysterical baby and a missing purse; that I wasn't studying for a standardized test. Though with the woman and the baby, the relieved happiness was mixed with a feeling of wishing to help--it was frustrating not to be able to do anything. I did look around everywhere for her purse, alas, not to be found.

I started the morning feeling very annoyed because my home Internet service is down for the second day (I'm posting this from the library). I tried to fix it, the Big Man tried to fix it, now we've been told there's a service outage in our area.

But now my day has made me feel lucky to have that problem.

That's called "downward comparison."

In one study, people who were asked five times to complete the sentence "I'm glad I'm not..." reported being significantly more satisfied with their lives than were people asked to complete the sentence "I wish I were a..."

By comparing myself to someone studying for the MCAT instead of someone with working Internet service, I've made myself a lot happier.
*
Pollyanna Week continues. Although I'm not making much headway at all, the exercise has certainly shown me how frequently and automatically I make negative comments. I even caught myself complaining about the size of the orange bracelet that I wear as a reminder not to be negative .

Wait! I've just realized that today's post itself violates Pollyanna Week. Aargh.

Comments

[Sharyn]

I think this is a similar reaction to how little else in life can help you feel as good as helping out in some way with people who are less fortunate than yourself, e.g. volunteering at a soup kitchen or donating to a needy family at Christmas. NOthing else will give you that kind of gratitude, not only that you are more fortunate, but also that you have something - if only time - to give.

[Dean Fuhrman]

Your post is interesting in contrast to the one I just read at Slow Leadership about letting go. I suppose intent counts for a lot. If we are looking at someone else's misery to lift us up, are we placing limits that might not be wise to take on or are we being grateful for what we have? http://www.slowleadership.org/2006/10/wonder-of-letting-go.html

[Alicat]

Downward comparison is an interesting way to look at things. I guess in the respect that at times I feel like I am so much worse off financially than say, my parents, which makes me feel a little depressed, instead I could say that I am very lucky to be a housewife with a husband that makes a steady income and we live in comfort.

Very interesting. :)

Oh -- I was going to email this to you but I didn't find an address -- I thought you might find this interesting. I was reading through and she has some pretty good advice about friendship and the running of the household -- albeit a Victorian household. :)
http://www.mrsbeeton.com/01-chapter1.html

[Monica Ricci]

Gretchen, I have this happen all the time I suppose because I tend to be more aware and more grateful than I used to be. I am always thinking, "Thank God I'm not dealing with..." but then I feel sad for the other person who IS dealing with it. ~Monica

[Alicat]

Pertaining to that link I sent you in the comment above -- I just ran across this paragraph that cracked me up :)

"It is not advisable, at any time, to take favourite dogs into another lady’s drawing-room, for many persons have an absolute dislike to such animals; and besides this, there is always a chance of a breakage of some article occurring, through their leaping and bounding here and there, sometimes very much to the fear and annoyance of the hostess. Her children, also, unless they are particularly well-trained and orderly, and she is on exceedingly friendly terms with the hostess, should not accompany a lady in making morning calls. Where a lady, however, pays her visits in a carriage, the children can be taken in the vehicle, and remain in it until the visit is over."

[Ken]

"I didn't take pleasure in these people's unhappy situations, but witnessing each scene did lift my spirits in an odd way". I guess you would be doing cart wheels if you had been around anyone of the estimated 25,000 people who died of starvation today.

[Mad William Flint]

is there any other way TO feel happy? "I'm glad I'm not him" isn't necessarily a put down of him. It's just taking a measurement, making an observation.

I'm pretty glad I wasn't one of those people on the 6 train on my way home. The 6 train doesn't go to my stop.

[Jude]

Roughly 24 years ago, we were living on around $850 a month in Frisco, Colorado. Rent was $350, so I had little money to use to run the house. I used cloth diapers, and my mother bought me a little red wagon, which I'd put my baby in (between diaper pails), and roll the 5 blocks to the laundromat. I'd wash the diapers, then roll back home, where I'd hang them on the line. They never quite dried before we'd have our every-afternoon-in-the-mountains rainstorm. I'd bring them inside and hang them around the cabin to dry. One of the worst days of this unhappy existence was the day I went to the grocery store, carefully choosing only enough food that it would add up to less than the $20.00 I had that week to spend on groceries. When I reached in my pocket, I realized I'd lost the $20 somewhere, so I had to put back all the food. I retraced my steps, but I never found the $20. Later that night, my abusive husband screamed at me for being irresponsible, and we went hungry. But on the way home, I came across a family of six who were living in their beat-up old Oldsmobile, looking for work in a ski town which didn't have any jobs in the summer time. Although I was distraught about losing that twenty, I did feel fortunate in comparison. Also, I remember the optimism and hope of that family, which matched my feelings. Even though everything seemed hopeless, the family and I were hopeful that things would get better. The lost purse story reminded me of that lost twenty. Today, although I'm not excessively wealthy, I felt rich enough to lend $25 to an Honduran via the kiva project (www.kiva.org). To me, wealth is being able to feed myself and my family and still having $25 to spare to help someone else.

[Sharyn]

Jude - I was touched by your story. Having hope in your life, and having something to share = happiness for you, it sounds like.
In reference to "downward comparison": Can we even comprehend something unless we have something to compare it to?

[TasterSpoon]

Isn't one of the four noble truths "Life is Suffering"? Once you're down with that, everything's a gift.

I think being reminded of how awful things COULD be does in fact highlight how blessed/fortunate we are. I think a sense of gratitude is a HUGE factor in happiness. But like Sharyn says, it's relative and it helps to have a trigger to remind us.

A related technique might be the "silver lining" approach. No matter how bad it gets, there's usually an upside, even if you have to really strain for it.

Medieval kings were living the high life in their day, but had no central heat, slept sitting up, and used bedpans.

Our ancestors had plenty of exercise, fresh air, organic vegetables and free range meats, but only lived until, like, thirty.

It's totally all relative. We're living at a good time.

[Monica Ricci]

Ken, first of all, that remark is right out of left field and has no relevance to the blog entry. Secondly, everyone else clearly understood what Gretchen meant, and you chose to take Gretchen's exercise in perspective in a negative way, and use it to disparage her and try to make her feel guilty, when you know FULL WELL what she meant.

That was uncalled for on your part, but I suspect it made you feel like a bigger, more noble, intellectually superior person, as so many of your ilk imagine themselves.

[Alicat]

Well said Monica :)

[Gretchen Rubin]

What a relief to see that most readers understood what I meant, and didn't take it the wrong way! I didn't know how to reply to Ken, but others did it better than I could have.

[Bob M]

There's an old, old story. It goes like this,

http://www.photopia.tyo.ca/index.php/image/i-had-no-shoes-and-complained-until-i-met-a-man-who-had-no-feet/

[Michael]

Ken's comment reminds me of a lot of people I knew in college who believe, basically, that you have to feel bad in order to make the world a better place.

This is basically scarcity thinking ("there's only so much happiness to go around, so I'd better not use much and I'll make sure others don't use it either"). The problem is that this rarely leads to constructive action.

How you feel or don't feel doesn't make much difference. What makes a difference is what you actually do. And I think that people who know how to maximize their own happiness are much more likely to help others in need.

[Sally]

This is a very late post, but I am just catching up with your blog. The comment about complaining about the clunky bracelet you use to remind yourself not to complain cracked. me. up. Thank you!

[R Coker]

Hello. I believe it's natural to use downward comparison's to elevate our moods, but should we use it? Should we rely on thoughts such as "I'm glad I'm not homeless, or jobless, or weighed down by children, or living the life of someone I have disdain for" ? Sure, downward comparisons make us feel more lucky and appreciative of our lives, but is the existence of people who are suffering necessary in society so that others who are better off can feel grateful or smarter about the decisions they've made or more grateful about the help they've received in life that has enabled them to have a better one?

Surely there must be a better way to feel a higher sense of self-worth than using comparisons to others. If you can't find another method of doing so, your life is only RELATIVELY better or more satisfying than the life of someone you encounter that is worse off.