Note to self: don’t talk about things that annoy me.

Here’s something I've been doing—or rather, not doing—that has boosted my happiness and (I bet) the happiness of the people around me.

I've stopped talking about things that annoy me. (At least, when I manage to catch myself before I finish talking.)

This resolution was inspired by one of my favorite authors, Samuel Johnson. “To hear complaints,” Johnson observed, “is wearisome alike to the wretched and the happy.”

So I don’t recount the story of my tangle with Time Warner Cable. I don’t repeat the epic saga of how my laptop screen broke and what I had to do to get it fixed. I’m not telling everyone about the difficulties I’m facing while writing the book proposal for the Happiness Project.

Sometimes it’s a relief to talk about such things, but even when it’s a relief, I’ve noticed, it’s also an irritant. I get caught up again in the bad feelings that the episode aroused.

Often, too, it’s not a relief to talk about things that annoy me. So why do I do it? Out of some twisted feeling of obligation, a notion that I owe it to my friends or family to keep them up-to-date on what’s happening in my life: the Starbucks incident looms large in my mind, so it seems like an important news item. But zoikes, they don’t care if they remain ignorant of the Starbucks incident, or my email problem, or the leak in the living room ceiling, or how I’m behind schedule to finish that pesky book proposal.

I break this resolution frequently, and not because it’s so much fun to re-live annoying episodes. Turns out, it’s not that much fun. But complaining is a habit. The hard part is to be conscious of what I’m doing, before I do it, so I can remember not to do it.

Maybe I need to get out the orange reminder bracelet from Pollyanna Week, and put it to use again.

*
In some aimless wandering through the internet (resolution for March: allow myself to explore the internet) I came across an amusing blog, Paper Napkin, that I recommend.

I do have one question. As on Paper Napkin, I've noticed many bloggers posting "100 Things" lists as a way to describe themselves. I love these lists and always read them, but what started this? Is there some secret blogger memo that I don't know about?

Comments

[Autumn]

Re: 100 Things

It was a meme about... 3 1/2 years ago I think.

[Sheryl]

Thank you for the kind link, I have really gotten a lot out of your blog. I think talking about irritants is along the same lines of beating a pillow or screaming when you're angry. Sometimes it's cathartic, but more often than not, it intensifies my negative feelings.

[Sharyn]

This post reminded me of something I was considering recently - how much of happiness is achievable through dicipline and self-control. I heard a child "expert" say that an undiciplined child will never be a happy child. As a parent, I know that's got a lot of truth to it. A major component of happiness to me is having guidelines (mental principles to follow, as well as "to do" lists), but flexibility is, of course, crucial - and an easy downfall. Making "happy habits" can be hard work for those not naturally so inclined. I've known some "free spirited" and seemingly very happy people who don't have much of the organization thing going on. For them, I think it's more their nature to be naturally optomistic and happy.
Abraham Lincoln's quote "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be" is one I like. If happiness can be a choice, how much can we dicipline ourselves into it? I guess we first, of course, have to feel that we deserve to be happy.

[gr8face]

Just got finished reading about the law of attraction. Talking about bad things manifests them in your life. It's so tempting to wallow in your own misery.

[Bob M]

Thanks for the tip about Paper Napkin blog.

[kj]

I think of the stories of angst-filled things that happen as entertainment. In hindsight, they are funny. I love to tell the stories, get laughs out of them and don't see it as a downer, or anything that diminishes my happiness, and definitely not something to be avoided. Much of my favorite conversation is about personal experiences, others and mine.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Being able to be funny and laugh about an annoying incident is the BEST -- a real gift. I really envy you that ability. Sadly, I can't claim that my recitations of annoying incidents are entertaining, just vicariously painful for my listeners. But the next time I can't resist unloading, I'll at least try to inject some humor.

[Hank Oviatt]

I agree that just complaining doesn't really accomplish much. But sometimes the thought process of re-living an incident helps us resolve how it turned into what it became, even if only in our own minds, and help us to bring the next similar incident to a different conclusion. It can be both cathartic and educational to discuss it, but you have to have a perspective of trying to understand it rather than just whining.

This is a very nice project and I hope you become immensely successful because of it.

Cheers