Remember to cut people slack: a reminder about the fundamental attribution error.

Recently I've read two memoirs written by people I know. Whenever I do this, I'm reminded of the fact that people's lives are always far more complicated than they seem from the outside. And I vow, once again, to cut people slack. You jut never know what other people are going through.

The "fundamental attribution error" is a psychological phenomenon in which we tend to view other people's actions as reflections of their characters, and to overlook the power of the situation to influence their actions: I assume that the guy in the drugstore is a jerk who is trying to cut in line, when in fact, he's a considerate guy who's rushing to get home with the medicine for his sick, miserable girlfriend.

With ourselves, however, we acknowledge the pressures of the situation. So when other people's cell phones ring during a movie, it's because they're inconsiderate boors. If my cell phone rings during a movie, it's because I'm a conscientious mother who needs to be able to get a call from a babysitter.

I'm trying to remember not to judge people, especially on the first or second encounter. Their actions may well not reveal their enduring character, but instead, reflect some situation they find themselves in.

I thought of this the other day. I went to pick up the Big Girl after school, but for some reason, pick-up wasn't in the usual place. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while, who has a child in the same grade, and instead of saying a friendly hello, I grabbed her arm and blurted out,"'Where's pick-up today?" And after she told me, I rushed off, barely remembering to yell "Thanks!" over my shoulder.

Once I'd found the Big Girl, I realized how rude I'd been. I sent my friend an email (like yesterday, another apology; I'm trying to behave myself better so I apologize less). I explained that the Big Girl PANICS if the person picking her up is even five minutes late. I was afraid that if I didn't get to her soon, she'd be a wreck.

It's one of Life's True Rules, and one of my catchphrases for the month: Cut people slack.

Comments

[Amihai Bouskila]

Hey Gretchen, I am enjoying your blog immensely, thank you for writing it.

I first heard of the Fundamental Attribution Error while reading The Tipping Point, ever since then I keep noticing it popup every once in a while. I really identified with it and I'm sure we all fall victim to it more often than we are aware. Cheers for cutting people slack.

[Sheryl]

The inverse is true too. I always assume people are more "together" and confident than I am because I judge their outsides, when the truth may be very different.

[Glenn (Customer Service Experience) Ross]

Gretchen,

Wouldn't it be better to call that person and apologize? You might actually have a pleasant conversation. You might actually enhance your relationship and have an enjoyable conversation with that person. Besides, how much time does it take to call that person compared to booting up a computer, opening your e-mail client, then typing the e-mail.

I enjoy your blog.

Regards,

Glenn

[Pat]

This is really useful Gretchen, thank you for thinking it up and doing it. Hope you'll enjoy this quote from another Rubin:

"Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom." - [another] Rubin

[kristinerosemary]

on both occasions that gretchen has written about similar situations, trying to avoid daughter's anxiety about getting to school late and being picked up late, gretchen has
remorse for cutting people short. this will
most likely happen again, so happiness shortcut could be to tell people immediately
'hello! how nice to see you! i'm so sorry but
i'm running so late right now! hope we can talk soon!' or some such boilerplate miss manners quickie. then no apology needed.
saves time too...

[frida]

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." ~ Philo of Alexandria

One of my favorite quotes and something I try to remember when people are rude to me or when I'm envious of other people's good fortune.