The Happiness Project: This Wednesday: Tips for liking someone better (or disliking that person less).

The Happiness Project

I’m working on a book, THE HAPPINESS PROJECT, a memoir of the year I spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and the lessons from popular culture about how to be happy--from Aristotle to Martin Seligman to Thoreau to Oprah. On this daily blog, I recount my adventures as I grapple with the challenge of being happier. THE HAPPINESS PROJECT will hit the shelves in December 2009 (Harper).

What Started Me Thinking

"Whoever is happy will make others happy, too." Mark Twain.
“There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Robert Louis Stevenson
"Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
“Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” Simone Weil
“What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” Colette
“It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” G. K. Chesterton
“A man’s first care should be to avoid the reproaches of his own heart.” Joseph Addison
“Best is good. Better is best.” Lisa Grunwald
“Order is Heaven’s first law.” Alexander Pope

Happiness Theories I Reject

Flaubert: "To be stupid, and selfish, and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness; though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."
Vauvenargues: “There are men who are happy without knowing it.”
Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
Sartre: "Hell is other people."
Willa Cather: “One cannot divine nor forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them…”
Alexander Smith: “We are never happy; we can only remember that we were so once.”
John Stuart Mill: “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.”

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday...Tips for liking someone better (or disliking that person less).

Some people are part of your life, whether you want them there or not. What if you don’t have the warmest of feelings for your boss? your mother-in-law? your next-door neighbor?

It’s easy to come up with a mental catalogue of all the ways in which that person could change to be less annoying, domineering, passive-aggressive, arrogant, etc.—but fact is, you can’t change anyone but yourself.

Here are some tips about how to help yourself cultivate more friendly feelings. It’s quite a strain to hide feelings of dislike; if you can manage to change your feelings, you’ll be much happier. It’s hard, but not impossible.

1. Seek contact. You may feel like avoiding that person, but because of the psychological phenomenon known as the “mere exposure effect,” we tend to like people better the more we see them.

2. Do nice things for that person. “We prefer to see those to whom we do good than those who do good to us.” La Rochefoucauld.

3. Give that person a brief touch. “Subliminal touching,” i.e., touching a person so unobtrusively that it’s not noticed, increases people’s sense of well-being and positive feelings.

4. Lighten up. Joke about whatever annoys you, and if you can manage it, laugh about it with that person, or poke fun at your own reaction. Nothing neutralizes bad feelings like a good laugh. This can be tough, however.

5. Act friendly. We think we act because of the way we feel, but often we feel because of the way we act. So act the way you want to feel. This is uncannily effective—just try it.

6. Resist criticizing that person. When you voice your complaints, they assume a solidity in your mind that’s hard to eliminate. When your thoughts remain unspoken, they can more easily be changed.

7. Remember happy shared experiences. Recalling good times elevates mood and will help warm your feelings.

8. Be grateful. Reflecting on reasons to feel grateful, instead of reasons to be angry or annoyed, will help change your view.

Comments

Wonderful job with this post, Gretchen - I know from personal experience that this is some good stuff. It gives the how-to to "you can't change other people, you can only change your reaction to them", and it sets a very good example. This has never been my situation, but think how beneficial these tips could be for the children of acrimonious ex-spouses.
P.S. Thank you for the recommendation for "Gilead". It will be on my Christmas list.

Posted by: Sharyn | November 01, 2006 at 02:18 PM

Thank you so much for this post! I've had a really tough week (mainly with my high-energy/aggressive mother-in-law) and this is really helpful.

P.S. I just found your blog and love it. Thanks for sharing the insights.

Posted by: Farah | November 03, 2006 at 01:43 AM

I try to focus on the best attributes of that person because everyone has their good points. I think focusing only on their good qualities has a way of softening the things you don't like about them. ~Monica

Posted by: Monica Ricci | November 05, 2006 at 08:22 PM

Again ... wonderfully put! I have to deal with "EX" spouses and I often find that I feel like a mean and greedy person. Then when you listen to what they say to and about you, it is hard to stay happy.
I am going to really try to "Act Friendly" although I may not want to and "Be grateful!"
WoW! You make me feel good! Thanks!

Posted by: Happy ME | November 13, 2006 at 05:38 PM

I'd love to agree but I can't. In principle it sounds wonderful and effective but there are those who are simply abrasive and resist any/all effort to try to get along. I actually used most of those ideas myself when dealing with a woman in my life and she only became belligerent, paranoid and accusatory. She was convinced I was "being nice to her" so that I could "get more dirt" and use it later to damage her when in reality I was trying to be civil because she was dating my ex husband (father of my child as well as my dearest friend) and living in my building. There have been others who are completely resistant to this type of apparent "good" manipulation and trust me - if they know your true feelings about them they'll see right through the nice act and it'll come back to bite you on the bottom. Sometimes its just best to agree to disagree.

Posted by: Jean | January 28, 2007 at 04:05 PM

I think these tips are very noble and have an intrinsic value. They posess a purity and heart-felt goodness that is very wise to maintain, though daily life. However many people — the ones I see every day — are not quite so noble, and I believe a more quasi-combatative mindset gives you other advantages, which is why I wrote this: . It has a very different slant on dealing with unpleasant people. Ultimately, I think happiness and satisfaction boil down to one thing: grace under pressure. Very interesting ideas here though.

Posted by: Rob Gilpatric | January 28, 2007 at 09:05 PM

This is a challenge worth tackling, and I applaud the author for her efforts.

Bottom line, don't let people abuse you. Tell them to stop, or if necessary, enlist help to stop the abuse. I don't think that's what this article is about. It's about taking charge of your own feelings.

In fact, I think it's that act of taking charge that helps me feel good about myself, regardless of whether the other person responds or not.

Sometimes taking charge might mean being firm with someone who's treating you badly. In fact, none of the tips in the article conflict with being firm. I try to be firm *while staying positive* and avoiding getting drawn into an argument.

Easier said than done. These tips may help the next time someone's wanting to dump their frustrations on me (it's bound to happen, I work in customer service).

Just one more tip I'd like to add:

When having difficulties with a relative or friend, if necessary (and if it's possible), get away from the person to take a breather. Make sure you feel strong and good about yourself before you approach them again. Otherwise, it's more misery for the both of you.

Posted by: Jessi | January 28, 2007 at 10:41 PM

I have to agree with Rob and Jean.

While this is a good way to handle people who you have a possibility of being on normal, friendly, terms with, this doesn't help if the person is antagonistic/rightfully paranoid (as Jean mentioned).

If I can read into what Rob said, I take it he means people who are anti-social or destructively selfish.

To add to the discussion, there are people that if you aren't aggressive -- even dramatically angry to them -- they will take advantage of you. This is a real problem, but thankfully rare.

One example I'll give is a manager I have to deal with. The consensus is that the manager has a selective memory that always works in the manager's favor.

An often repeated scenario with this manager is that a promise is made, the promise is promptly forgotten, if (and only if) proof of the promise is provided an apology is offered but no follow through. If asked, the promise is pushed off; "definitely later" is the usual comment. Later never comes.

In each encounter, the manager is nice, polite, and smiling. He even uses the "as a friend" phrase sincerely, and promises (again) to fix everything. The stunning thing is that the manager seems to be sincere (or is a world class liar) because he is almost always shocked that there was any problem to begin with.

Only after the person is yelled at (remember this is the boss), and if he does not decide to yell back, is the promise actually performed.

Note that the manager has decades of experience. This is in an office environment with senior staff and that the promises aren't at all unusual. Typical promises are for either bonuses or extra vacation days when the agreed overtime or other specific written goals are met.

Posted by: Andy | January 28, 2007 at 10:41 PM

yeah, you try giving a brief touch to my lesbian boss, i think i'd rather keep my job.

Posted by: john | January 29, 2007 at 06:41 AM

As a lesbian boss, I have to agree with John. Touching is not always appropriate or welcome. But thanks for the list. The only one my experience contradicts is the first: sometimes you appreciate people more by NOT spending so much time with them. People with borderline personality disorder should be regarded with special care and patient love. The book WALKING ON EGGSHELLS is particularly helpful there. My daughter has that disorder, and all your priciples work to ease our interactions except the first. Sometimes I HAVE to have a break from her, as Jessi says. Then when I'm stronger, I can be with her again, practicing the other six helpful principles in your post.

Posted by: Kathryn | January 29, 2007 at 03:58 PM

omg, Kathryn, that was such a great opening line for a post.

Posted by: Clare Dedlock | January 30, 2007 at 10:20 PM

It says in the bible " turn the other cheek " What ? and get them both sore ?
Your comments are well put and great ideas . I try now , after many life experiences , to be the kind of person I want people to be . Personal life would be much smoother . My problem is jealousy . My thoughts tend toward resentment when I am being the better person and trying to bare life in the shadow of those who demand it .
I feel resentment from those people when I stay cheery when they want to bitch and be angry . I grew up near a town where you could get a punch in the mouth for smiling in the presence of some people .
I believe these people hurt and want others to agree with them so they don't feel insane .
Your tips are all great but I believe people believe themselves to be correct . An opposite response to them would incur conflict .
Although it is nice to know that your tips do work and make the world a better place generally let us not forget that the abusive people are probably just trying to make their life better too .Maybe even yours .
Here are real responses to the tip list
1) Seek contact -- Get away from me !
2) Do nice things for that person -- Don't try to control me .
3) Give person a brief touch -- Don't crowd me . You represent what bugs me .
4) Lighten up -- My life is serious fool .
5) Act friendly -- People who don't respond negatively to negativity are phonies .
6) Resist criticizing that person -- Yes .
7) Remember happy shared experiences -- Yes and don't forget the bad times .A hot stove should only get touched once .
8) Be grateful -- Yes

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Posted by: sjg | August 20, 2008 at 10:17 AM

I'm surprised so many people immediately assumed that these tips were for dealing with abusive or otherwise disfunctional people. I didn't take it that way at all. Of course if you need to interact with someone abusive you don't try to kiss up to them and say "yes please, I'll have some more of that!" However, I personally took this advice as applying to perfectly good people that for whatever reason you just don't like--like my mother! I LOVE my mother. But often, I don't like her and frankly I don't think she likes me either in those moments! She and I are oil and water. Both oil and water are perfectly lovely substances in their own right but have difficulty getting along! I loved these tips though. I DON'T see her often enough, nor do I do nice things for her out of the blue as much as I should. I also have incredibly happy mutual memories from childhood that I can mine to share with her. Just contemplating doing some of these things makes my heart feel more open! For me? GREAT POST!! I thank you!! (and my mother will too!)

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Posted by: BGG | August 18, 2009 at 08:33 PM

This post reminds me of an experience I had years ago when I worked in a gift shop. We had a regular customer whom no one wanted to serve because she was always unpleasant, and would make unreasonable demands on whomever was trying to help her. When my "turn" came around I decided to ignore the fact that she was in a bad mood before we'd even spoken. I greeted her like an old friend and chatted a bit before I asked her what she needed from the shop. We ended up having a great conversation, she left happy, and always had a smile on her face when she came back in. I don't know what the problem was before, and I don't know if that approach would work in any other case, but I was certainly relieved that it worked that time.

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