Do you keep making the same vow over and over?

I’ve really been back-sliding lately with the Big Man, with my temper.

The other day, after the girls were sleep, we were talking about our schedules. We had an upcoming dinner date with some friends—not old, close friends who know all our faults, but new friends with whom we still need to be polite.

“Hmmm…I’m not sure I’ll be back in time to be there,” the Big Man said. “Let me see what time my flight lands.”

“You’d *** better be home on time!” I said in the rudest way. “We’ve already rescheduled once, that is just too rude. This dinner has been on your schedule for two weeks!”

I was astounded by the violence of my own reaction and lamely tried to make a joke of it. “Umm, I don’t know where that came from,” I said in a calm voice. “Clearly I tapped into some wellspring of rage.”

“Seems like it!” the Big Man answered, unruffled.

Joking about it helped, but still, that was a bad moment.

It’s good that the Big Man isn’t terribly disturbed by my snapping, but on the other hand, I fear that his imperturbability is the result of years of harpiness on my part.

I remember when we first started dating, and I snapped at him for the first time, he said to me in a very serious way, “I don’t like being snapped at.” I recall it so vividly. We were on the subway, going back to his apartment from his office at Sullivan & Cromwell. (In fact, now that I think about it, that may have been the very day he threw away the piece of cheesecake.) It would be terrible to think that he’s just become inured to my snapping over the years.

In any event, no matter what he thinks or how he reacts, I don’t want to be the kind of person who behaves that way.

I keep making this resolution, over and over, and I keep backsliding, over and over. I comfort myself with examples of Tolstoy, Pepys, and St. Therese, all more elevated souls than I, who kept re-making the same resolutions throughout their lives.

Samuel Johnson, too, repeatedly records in his diary his vows to “avoid idleness” and “rise early.” At one point, he wrote, “I have now spent fifty-five years in resolving; having, from the earliest time almost that I can remember, been forming schemes of a better life. I have done nothing. The need of doing, therefore, is pressing, since the time of doing is short. O GOD, grant me to resolve aright, and to keep my resolutions.”

And so, once again, I resolve to speak tenderly and light-heartedly.

Comments

[Helen]

What if it is not about the reaction but about the trigger? Some things you won't change until you understand yourself better.

[ciocia]

I had the same problem, and here's how I went from a perpetual resolution to stopping: I created a consequence. Every time I snapped at anybody, I apologized, right there, and not a lame semi-apology, but a good one--"What I did was wrong, and I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." Once, I had to call back a colleague in a branch office to do this. When you know you will have to eat crow for something, you straighten up a lot faster. It's a case where severity tends to increase good.

[andrea from the fishbowl]

Oh, this is me. I am snappish when I'm hungry or tired (or both!) and so I try to get lots of rest and eat right. But busy lives are busy lives, and we don't always manage to get a solid eight hours or eat a salad for lunch. I like the idea of apologizing, but I've always found it hard to say I'm sorry.

What works for me (and this sounds funny considering I'm talking about my own family) is to pretend they're someone else's kids/husband. Would I ever snap at the new friend who moved in across the street? Or her children? Never!

So why is it acceptable to snap at my family? The quick answer is that it isn't, yet we do it because we take them for granted. I can't believe I can get like that sometimes. I too have to try harder.

[peter vajda]

The "stimulus" for reactivity might always be "out there." But, the "cause" for reactivity is always, always, inside. So, what's taking me out of my comfort zone and why am I reacting in the way I am?

Self-reflection about my assumptions, my expectations, my mental models, my misperceptions, etc. can support one to move from the "victim consciousness" state (generated by one's need for control, recognition or security in some way, shape or form) and towards a state of ownership of one's reactivity and then to perhaps a place of change, understanding, compassion for one's self and other...wich allows for a response as opposed to a reaction...a response emanating from a place of oving kindness.

[Jim]

Snapping at the Big Man is all about Gretchen, and nothing about the Big Man. The Big Man understands this. It's not that he's inured, he just doesn't take it personally.

But, he probably still doesn't like it much.

[thodarumm]

You write honestly, openly and often bring a smile to my face.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

It is all about continually wanting to change for the better, isn't it?

“Of all that is wonderful in the human being, our most glorious asset is the capacity to change ourselves.” – Eknath Easwaran

[Hnak Oviatt]

Gretchen,

I did a similar thing at work once to a collegue, and the comment I got from the boss after I had apologized (and right soon) was that it didn't really matter that I had apologized because the damage had already been done. The more I thought about it, the more I realized (as much as I didn't like the guy) that he was right. You can't take it back. In personal relationships (especially close ones) I find it's been better to hold off that initial impulse to snap, close my mouth, but let the other person know that I need to cool off before I talk. The little snaps do add up, no matter how much you know someone and understand them. They may appear to let them roll off, but I don't think anyone ever really forgets them, just as you yourself have not forgotten the first time you snapped at him. It changes how we view a similar situation from that day forward.

Another good account of similar behaviors is the the description from Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, p. 188-190) on emotional bank accounts. I read this in a friends office one day by picking it up and opening the book on this page, laughing about this book he was reading. It impressed me so that I read the whole book and I think it changed how I viewed the world.

Merry Christmas
Dr. O

[Melissa Kirsch]

The stakes are higher for resolutions that affect others as much as they do you, right? Resolving to get up earlier may make you happier, but resolving not to snap affect other people as much, if not more, than it does you.

I like what David Sedaris resolves in Barrel Fever: He goes from resolving to be good to "Try to think about maybe being good." So many people don't even consider how their behavior radiates outward. I'm glad to know people who are not only working on this but encouraging others to do so as well.

--Melissa Kirsch

[pinkmohair]

Somehow I think there would be less snapping by busy career moms, if husbands knew:
1. Not to send their little daughters to school with uncombed hair, jeans that are two sizes too small and a stained shirt (or if they do, don't let mom find out) and have a self-congratulatory mindset about it.

2. Why, how and when to scrub the toilet.

3. Not to purchase pink metallic spandex K-mart pants and matching top for same child. She will love it and you will HATE how she wants to wear it constantly.

4. Babies need to be bathed more often that every 1.5 months (the amount of time that recently elapsed before husband suggested bathing baby.)

5. Sheets don't change themselves and every 6 months isn't good enough.

[Maryam in Marrakesh]

I can't tell you how much I want to snap less. So much. I am sometimes horrified about my snapping. I just need to figure out how to get there. Some how, some way.