Is it selfish to be unselfish?

Well, it’s not exactly selfish to be unselfish, but it’s certainly self-rewarding.

The positive psychologists will tell you this, and it’s really true: performing a good deed, doing a loving action, makes you feel great. Here’s an example.

Once my sister and I grew up, my parents started a new Christmas tradition. We adults “draw for stockings,” i.e., we put slips of paper into a hat and each draw out a different name, and we only buy presents for that one person. And we’re supposed to buy lots of stocking presents—small, relatively inexpensive gifts—nothing too big. CDs and books, not sweaters and iPods.

This simplifies Christmas shopping, because we each just have one person to focus on.

It’s a great tradition, because it makes us really pay attention to each other—my father is interested in learning more about ancient Rome, my mother has switched to the small Filofax from the big Filofax.

In any event, this year I drew my mother, and the Big Man drew me, and my sister drew my father.

My sister has had a crazy, CRAZY year. She writes for TV in Los Angeles. In the space of one day, she got engaged, got diagnosed with diabetes, and had an offer on a house accepted. With her writing partner, on the side of her TV job, she wrote a young-adult novel; now they’re working on a pilot script. She and her fiancé moved two weeks ago, and they’re getting married in May.

She’s under a huge amount of pressure at work right now. I really wished that I could do something to help. And then I thought of something I could do.

I got her on the phone. “Hey, since I can’t come to help you move, guess what I’m going to do to help you out?”

“What?”

“I’m going to do your Christmas shopping.”

She was so relieved that she didn’t even say, “Oh, no, you shouldn’t.” “Thanks, Gretch! That would be so great.”

And you know, I’ve gotten more happiness out of that good deed than I could get from any Christmas present that I’ll receive.

Now, it helped that my father suggested several things he wanted, and the Big Man—in a miraculous development—did most of the actual shopping for the presents. So it turned out that my offer wasn’t a big sacrifice on my part.

But I do know that the shopping would have weighed on my sister’s mind. And sometimes when you’re under a lot of stress, it’s the little tasks that seem the hardest.

Generally, I’m ashamed to say, I’m so self-absorbed that I don’t even think about what good deeds I might do for the people around me. I’m trying to be better at seeing possibilities—even little things. I can email some digital photos of the girls to my in-laws, who are away on a vacation (I just learned how to do this). I can really make an effort to set up my great friend who’s single. I can help a person carry her stroller up the subway stairs.

We should do good just because it’s the right thing to do—but it helps to remember how satisfying it is. Do good, feel good.

*
One of my resolutions is to "explore on the internet," and I've become intrigued by the wild, lovely variety of design sites. Here's one of my new favorites: K Style.

Comments

[kstyle]

Wow thank you Gretchen. And I am so pleased that you are exploring this amazing blogging community. And even better I have found a whole new blogging world through your blog The happiness Project. It seems our internet world is getting bigger and more layered by the minute. And I think we are very connected in that our visual, design, art and creative arenas are intregral to our sense of happiness. Have a wonderful holiday with your family. And thank you so much. k

[Liz]

Gretchen -- As the recipient of your good deed (shopping for Dad's Christmas presents), let me just say... THANK YOU! It gave me no end of comfort while working these crazy hours to know that you were taking care of that task. I'm thrilled to hear doing the dad shopping gave you a warm fuzzy, but it can't compare to the warm fuzzy I got from your willingness to take that off my hands...

[thodarumm]

Very nice!
:)

[Sharyn]

Your headline to this post "Is it selfish to be unselfish?" made me think of the lyrics from one of the songs from the musical "Wicked" - "One question haunts and hurts/too much too much to mention/was i really seeking good/or just seeking attention." Maybe the more unselfish acts are the anonymous ones, where there's no question of ulterior motive. I don't mean this to disparage in any way what you did for your sister - that couldn't really have been handled differently. It's just what this post made me think about, and thank you for being thought-provoking.

[pinkmohair]

There is a universal truth that good begets good. It may not return to a person in the form of great riches or stunning beauty or even a work promotion, but it does come back.

My husband and I have gone through a difficult six months which included (not limited to!) bed rest during pregnancy, transcontinental move, new jobs, mold problem in new house, flea infestation in new house, parent diagnosed with lymphoma, parent had heart stent placed, major structural damage from water leakage in house, new baby with collapsed lung, blah blah blah.

I started to examine my life and realized that there was something that needed changing. Rather than crying and lamenting every bad thing that happend, husband and I began to Buy chickens. Through World Vision (http://donate.wvus.org/OA_HTML/xxwvibeCCtpSctDspRte.jsp?section=10200&xxwvNavItemId=1), similar to Heifer Intl. one can buy 6 chickens for $25, a llama for $70, and many other services and animals to help the less fortunate. It got to the point where if something bad would happen we wouldn't even directly tell the other person. We would say, " I think we need to buy a pig today." It ALWAYS made us feel better, and it reiterated the important notions that we had a roof over our heads, our child was healthy, we loved each other and one day everything would be ok again. It somehow changed the energy in our surroundings. Try it!

Now I have a great new job, have discovered this amazing world of blogging and have a new baby boy who is healthy. I want to continue this even when times are good; I need to go buy a whole farm.

[Matthew]

Hi Gretchen, I guess the holiday season has all of us thinking about selfishness! I've been trying to connect some of the positive psych findings (on reciprocity, etc) to Socrates' "commandment" (as I'm calling it) to live morally, as an essential condition of happiness. (If interested, my blog's linked above.) The first paragraph of your post certainly gets at the paradox: helping others does good for us, too. The paradox is: then how is helping others really un-selfish? The answer has to do with our motives. I might volunteer at the local soup kitchen because I think it might do ME some good. Or I might volunteer because I think it might do OTHERS some good. My guess (although I'm not sure to what extent the data backs this up or makes the distinction) is that if my main conscious motive is my own benefit, then I probably won't end up any happier by volunteering. Maybe no one actually thinks that way, or maybe no one can actually sustain that line of thought once confronted with the reality of the other people one is helping...

So, it's not just "do good because it's the right thing to do" but also "do good for the right reasons." (If I save a drowning child because I might get my picture in the paper, I'm a schmuck...can schmuck's be happy? That's another question.)

[peter vajada]

Giving is a thread that runs through all other virtues or soul qualities and is considered by manay to be the basis of the spiritual journey.

Giving supports us to helps us to cultivate sensitivity to others. The Buddha aid: “Before giving, the mind of the giver is happy; while giving, the mind of the giver is made peaceful; and having given, the mind of the giver is uplifted.” Through giving we can experience happiness.

We don’t give, however, to fulfill a psychological need to receive (i.e., giving to get). Such giving is egoic manipulation.

True giving is a natural expression of the soul beginning to awaken the heart. To give authentically, we need to cultivate the ability to receive magnamiously without taking or reaching out to receive or without have any "quid pro quo" or expectation.

According to the Bhagavad Gita, giving and receiving are the same when done with detachment, giving and receiving with gratitude, focusing on sharing love more than on the object or act itself.

The detachment that accompanies giving then does not give preference to anyone. One gives to strangers as well as to thoise s/he knows.

Giving does not necessarily make us less self-centered, or selfish. It depends on our intentionality, our motivation. Do we give to get comfort, security or appreciation? Do we give to “get” a life that conforms to some image we have of how life is supposed to be? Or do we give with detachment to what we perceive as real need?

It’s critical to “know thyself” sufficiently to know what our true motives, intentions are.

Giving to fulfill our psychological needs is not necessarily harmful to others, but it is a less healthy approach. Wanting to help others can be mixed altruism and selfishness.

Giving, in fact, can be an avoidance of dealing with what is going on within ourselves. If we are to honor our soul, we cannot use others to get the comfort, solace, security and love we feel we are lacking (and so, "give to get" some type of "warmth", or sense of well-being externally.

So, our motives may be mixed. We give because we have a need, and we feel good or garner some appreciation as a result of our giving. However, we don’t stop giving because our motivation might not be pure. To gain greater awareness does not necessarily require us to stop giving, that we conducted without awareness.

Being aware, "conscious" when we give helps to clarify our intentionality and helps us develop detachment and move beyond our egoic self-absorption.

When asked why he gave so much and helped so many people, Gandhi humbly replied: “I don’t give to anyone. I do it all for myself.”

So, maybe some questions:

How have you given recently, and to whom?
What do you find easiest or most enjoyable to give?
What is most difficult for you to give?
To whom do you feel you can give without expectations of return or thanks?
Do you have any past experiences that might affect the way you give and receive today?
What prevents you from giving when you perceive a need?
What (really, really, really) motivates your giving?

Can you identify some of your actions and behaviors you considered as “doing good” and explore your motivations behind them. What do you see? Are you giving from a “should” place, to maintain a certain self-image, to get recognition or approval or some other personal need or desire met, to fill some lack you feel, to feel useful, to feel connected, to avoid pain or something else?

Peace.

[Maryam in Marrakesh]

Just reading your blog makes me happy. And it might be selfish...but I am coming back.