Smile, smile, smile.

I’ve been noticing how little I smile—my face stays pretty serious, for the most part. For example, when I drop the Big Girl off at school in the morning, I see people I know, but although I say "hello" and feel perfectly friendly, I don't actually smile much. I'm aware of this because when I do smile, it has an unfamiliar feeling.

And I’ve been trying to change that.

As obvious as it seems, studies do show that I’ll be perceived as more friendly if I spend more time with a smile on my face during a conversation (it also helps to have an expressive face, to nod, to lean forward, to have a warm tone).

Emotions are contagious, so if I seem friendly and happy, I’ll help communicate that mood to other people.

And attraction is reciprocal; we tend to like people who seem to like us. So if I’m smiling and friendly to a person, that person is more likely to feel friendly toward me.

For a while, as part of the Happiness Project, I tried to have a real conversation with all the people I encounter in my daily life: in my coffee shop, at the drug store, with people waiting in line. I found this draining and difficult, however. I admire people who can connect easily with others wherever they go, but this isn’t one of my gifts.

But I realized that even if I can’t chat, I can be actively friendly. I can say “Hi” or “Sorry” or “Thanks” or “Have a great weekend” with warmth in my voice, and I can give a real smile. Just this little bit of extra effort does make an interaction far more pleasant than a neutral, business-like transaction.

Some people take the view that happy people annoy others with their cheeriness. Nope. Studies show most people like happy people more than less-happy people: they rate happier folk as more friendly, more warm, less selfish, more moral, and more physically attractive.

And apart from its effect on my dealings with other people, smiling makes me feel happier. Actions trigger feelings, so by going through the motions of feeling happier, I change my mood. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”

*
If you enjoy taking personality tests, check out the Authentic Happiness website. It has tests for happiness, depression, character strengths, relationship style, forgiveness, and many other characteristics. Some fascinating information there.

Comments

[peter vajda]

The Buddhists say you don't need words or thoughts to communicate. A look, a glance, a felt-sense of kinship or connectedness with another can do it...energetically...without the real need to "do" anything. The energy is contagious. Too, smiling inside has outward effects.

You say, "Some people take the view that happy people annoy others with their cheeriness." In my experience, unhappy folks living the "appearance of happiness" give off a negative and toxic energy that is readily picked up as fake, phone and duplicitious and which other well-meaning folks take in as insincere.

I think when one comes from inside, from one's True and Real self, there is no "efforting" around being happy..inside and out.

[Jessica]

I find the "smile to become happy" mechanism very effective. Sometimes when I feel down for no reason I simply force myself to put on a big wide open-mouth smile (especially if no one is around). I'm not sure if it's that the smiling muscles trigger the release of some happy hormones, or if it's the simple thought of how silly I must look wearing my big dumb grin -- but I always feel an uptick in my mood, and things don't seem so bad any more. Thanks, Gretchen!

[Chris Mitchell]

I enjoy your regular comments Gretchen. I am blessed with an easy smile. I sometimes wonder if I smile too much. However it does have people wondering what you have been up to! -Ok, I confess that's an old and non-original saying!

When I dance I am always smiling inwardly, even if not on the surface. It is easy to smile genuinely before asking a potential dance partner and of course to give a smile of appreciation at the end of the dance. My 20 reasons why dance is great for well-being http://dancetours.blog.com/1347415/ gives some idea of what makes me smile.

These two quotes also show that I am not the only one who links dancing with happiness.
There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them.
--Vicki Baum

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
--Source unknown

Another analogy for me is that when I take my first step with a dance partner, it is my whole body that moves first and the feet follow naturally rather than awkwardly. Similarly, if I want to smile it wells up inwardly first and then comes out naturally and not awkwardly.

Chris Mitchell
http://dancetours.blog.com

[alex Papanastassiou]

This is a refreshing blog! There is a hell of a need for more happiness in the world and particularly in the business world, where so many matters are considered vital and so many of us believe we are so important... Anyway, have you had a chance to read "Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill" by Matthieu Ricard former researcher in biology who became a Buddhist monk in the early seventies? I wrote a comment on the French version at http://www.amazon.fr/gp/cdp/member-reviews/AF51NSHTZKAQS/ref=cm_cr_auth/171-5242077-0534657.

Definitely worth checking out if you have not done so yet.

[Mind Mart]

I'm a non smiler too. I've been accused of looking mean when I wasn't thinking about anything in particular. It does feel weird, but I've forced myself to smile more. It makes you more approachable.

[Jude]

I'm officially socially phobic. My daughter's social phobia means that she isn't good at small talk or interacting with strangers. Mine means that I'm great at interacting with strangers and engaging in small talk, but I can't handle any close relationships. I've managed to achieve a great deal of happiness by not having any close (and thereby frightening) relationships, yet engaging in helping relationships, where I feel comfortable. I have no friends. I received two Christmas cards from cousins who otherwise never correspond with me, and I found them depressing--like an emphasis of my state of friendlessness. As long as I don't think about it, I'm fine.

[HB]

I realize I don't smile much because people are always telling me to smile more. Strangers and friends. It used to annoy me because I was actually happy but then I realized that people must just like to see me smile :)

[liz]

i just came across your blog, and i just have to say - Thank You!
i love it - what wonderful reminders, lessons, and inspirations - keep it up!
i will be checking in again and again.

[Lilly Evans]

NYT has a related article on Accentuating the Negative published in Happy Days section at http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2006/12/18/accentuating-the-negative/?8ty&emc=ty

I also recommend racheting the smile into laugh every so often - it is even more beneficial.

Enjoyed your post as always.

[Pat]

Another life-long non-smiler comments: good grief, it was only yesterday that I started using the 1 (or 2) Minute Rule, and it is really having an impact around my house and my desk at work. Now you find another simple-but-powerful idea. Nice work. I'll buy your book as a reward.

[Bob Sutton]

Gretchen,

On your comment that smiling makes you feel happier, there is an amazing set of studies by psychologist Robert Zajonc and others that show smiling lead to physiological changes that make people feel happier AND frowning leads to changes that people feel sadder. Zajonc (one of the most creative and prestigious psychologist, not marginal and not seen as weird, was at Michigan for years and is emeritus at Stanford) showed that the cause seems to be that smiling leads to slight cooling in the brain and frowning leads to a slight warming. I am not making this stuff up, and since your post reminded me of it, I'll do a post on it soon because it is so fascinating. So, there are very careful studies to support your idea!

The main original papers were:

Zajonc, R.B. “Emotion and Facial Efference: An Ignored Theory Reclaimed”, Science 228 (April 5, 1985): 15-21; Zajonc, R. B., S. T. Murphy, & M. Inglehart, “Feeling and Facial Efference: Implications of the Vascular Theory of Emotion” Psychological Review 96 (1989): 395-416.

[Maryam in Marrakesh]

Thank you. Good advice.

[Dave]

I've been teaching elementary and middle school for 14 years, and I've come to believe that probably the simplest yet most important thing I do on any given day is smile and say a sincere "hey" or "good morning" to some child who desperately needs it.

It's one of those things you'll never know the impact of, but is nonetheless vital.

[StephanieWestAllen]

Gretchen, I always love coming over here to read your posts. Thanks.

I think you might like some of the happiness links here:

http://westallen.typepad.com/idealawg/2006/12/one_radical_ide.html

[Kent Blumberg]

I love the yin-yang match between your post and Bob Sutton's post, and had to write about it:

http://kentblumberg.typepad.com/kent_blumberg/2006/12/how_smiling_wor.html

Kent

[Monica Ricci]

Gretchen, I feel your smile pain, girlfriend! I, too have a very serious face when I'm not smiling and it's not my habit to walk around smiling. The real irony is that I'm one of the truly happiest, most positive people I know! It's just that when my face is relaxed, (or when I'm thinking) I look very serious. I've been working on consciously smiling more because of it. Thanks for the reminder! ~Monica

[amruta]

i m one of the person,who is reminded to smile because without a smile my face seems very serious to all..i too believe dat, smiling should be from within.one can not pretend to smile and if atall he/she does,its not effective,infact it can irritate.1 rule i have discovered for smiling is dat,count ur blessing or happy moments and always try to live in d moment.it gives u a real joy to smile from within..just try out.

[Lee]

Great blog!

I've been working at improving myself for years, and I've recently discovered that the difference I can make on my mind with tricks like this--using my voluntary muscular control to change the physical expressions of emotion--is dramatic. It may in fact be the most powerful method of self-transformation I've discovered.

There seem to be a few "triggers," and when I do them, the rest my mind-state naturally follows. They seem to be: smile (with the eyes), lift the chest, pull the chin in so the head is erect--lengthen the whole upper body. Then relax and let go of tension.

I do this--smile & maintain good posture whether I like it or not--all day, every day. It takes discipline, but the difference is...beyond my ability to describe.

I'm thinking...happiness is a choice. And I choose to always be happy. Except for extreme unusual situation, such as being in real physical danger, or being at a funeral, negative emotions are useless to me. To the extent that they motivate action, I can substitute intentional, goal-directed effort instead.

Emotions are nature's carrot & stick. Nature doesn't care if we enjoy our lives--nature only cares if we survive long enough to reproduce. We have them because they enhanced the fitness of our ancestors in the Pleistocene. But (1) this isn't the Pleistocene, and (2) I don't care about maximizing my fitness anyway--if I did, I wouldn't use condoms.

Emotions are like computer programs that our brains came pre-installed with. Knowing this helps me to take them less seriously--half of our problem is not only that we FEEL angry or upset or whatever, but that we convince ourselves that we SHOULD be angry or whatever. So when I find myself thinking negative thoughts or feeling unpleasant emotions, I think, "Wrong program," and smile.

[Persuasion]

Ten years ago I realized that your mental state is a choice.

You don't get bored because you jumped into a tub of boredom. No. You got bored because you chose to do so.

Happiness is the same. It's something we can choose to have if we take the necessary steps to achieving it.

Like pursuing your passion.

Like helping others.

and yeah..

Like smiling!

[Hana]

What a wonderful feeling we'd all have if everyone we meet had a smile for us!

It's easy to do and free. =) We should give out lots of smiles everyday to spread happiness around.

[Lisa]

What a great post. I just wrote one myself about the same topic and came upon yours. I am sick of people telling me to smile more. Don't they understand I am a serious person. It's great to find fellow non smilers. Just because we don't smile it doesn't reflect how we feel inside.