This Wednesday: Tips for squelching your anger.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday…Tips for squelching your anger.

One of my worst faults is my quick temper. I’ve been working hard to control my anger—by not expressing it, or even better, not feeling it.

The problem with that familiar advice about “counting to 10” is that I can never remember to do it. Here are some strategies that do work for me, when I manage to use them.

1. Don’t give in to my anger. Many people believe in the “catharsis hypothesis” and think that expressing anger is healthy-minded and relieves their feelings. Not so. Studies show that expressing anger only aggravates it. I’ve certainly found this to be true; once I get going, I can whip myself into a fury. It’s better to stay calm.

2. Let the sun go down on my anger. I tend to get irritated with the Big Man at night, probably because I’m tired. Now I force myself to wait until the next day to berate him about this or that. And the next morning, my anger is completely gone.

3. Accept blame. I hate being in the wrong, and often snap back when people find fault with something I’ve done. Now I really try to pause to ask myself, “Am I in the wrong?” and to respond with gentleness.

4. Ask: “Am I improving the situation?” This works especially well with the Big Girl. If I get angry with her, she has a complete melt-down. It’s unpleasant, but her reactions have sure helped me get better control of myself. Now, when I have the urge to snap, I think, “Is this going to help the situation?” And the answer is always NO.

5. Find “an area of refuge.” I lifted this phrase from a sign near an elevator at Yale Law School—it struck me as funny. Research shows that when people’s thoughts are unoccupied, brooding sets in. So I try to “find an area of refuge” in my mind; that is, to dwell on serene thoughts instead of brooding and fussing. Along the same lines…

6. Distract myself. Indulging in “overthinking”—dwelling on trifling slights, unpleasant encounters, and sadness—leads to bad feelings. I can enrage myself by obsessing on some petty annoyance. In what the Big Man calls the “downward spiral,” I begin to rail about every negative episode in recent memory. Now I deliberately distract my thoughts, usually by thinking about some writing question.

7. Ask: am I mad at myself? Martha Beck makes the interesting argument that we brood on other people’s faults when we subconsciously identify with them; what we condemn in other people is what we condemn in ourselves. So now when someone is making me angry, I ask myself, “Can I accuse myself of the same fault?” In a telling bit of psychology, I’ve noticed Beck’s observation to be very true for other people, but not so much for myself! Do I suspect a bit of self-denial might be going on…?

8. Laugh. Humor is the answer to everything (humor and exercise). Now when I absolutely can’t hold back my anger, I at least try to insert a joke, or make fun of myself, or assume a lighter tone as I rant on. So instead of sniping out a comment like “Can you PLEASE just answer my emails so I can deal with these horrible logistics issues?!” I might say something like, “I’m thinking of getting a homing pigeon that will fly to your office and rap on your window with its beak until you send me an answer.” The added advantage of this approach is that no matter how the other person responds, I feel less angry and more light-hearted when I adopt a lighter tone.

*
Dear Readers,
My resolution for this month is “Go the extra step.” As part of that, I’m trying to take extra steps to promote my blog – even when that means doing things that make me uncomfortable. (Like attaching this note to a few posts.)

One of the challenges of a blog is just letting people know that it’s there. And so I’m asking you for a big favor.

If you have the time and the inclination, it would be a huge help if you would email anyone you know who might enjoy this blog, to give them the link and tell them a bit about it. Word of mouth is very powerful.

My happiness research predicts that if you do this good deed, you’ll feel great! That’s the Samaritan effect: “do good, feel good.”

I really appreciate your help. Be happy, Gretchen

Comments

[Bret Bradigan]

I have been reading your blog daily for several months, on a recommendation from James Wolcott's blog.

Your earnest and diligent search for happiness is intriguing and heartening. Keep it up. I have ordered Canetti's Crowds and Power, and have just started A Pattern Language on your recommendation. My return recommendation is Jane Jacobs' Death and Life of Great American Cities, but I'm sure you are one step ahead of me there. If so, and or if not, another book that has changed my thinking is Robert Putnam's Bowling Alone: The Decline of Social Capital in America.

I would urge you to reconsider Robertson Davies to your list. His brilliance may go unrecognized for another generation or two, but he will eventually get his due.

As a smalltown newspaper editor and publisher, I will be happy to post a link to your site from my own, though don't expect any stampede of traffic - our city of Ojai, California is incredibly gorgeous with only 8,000 people and our website only gets about 20,000 hits a week.

As an aside, I published for several years the Eastern Arizona Courier and the Copper Era jointly. The Copper Era's coverage of Greenlee County included the Lazy B Ranch. The Day family were subscribers and I even received a very gracious letter from Sandra Day O'Connor on the occasion of the paper's 100th anniversary.

[Lara]

This is a fantastic blog. I found it through a link on the very popular Loobylu's blog (http://www.loobylu.com/), so I'm sure the word of mouth thing is working for you already!

You might have already heard it but there's a very interesting podcast on Happiness from CBC's Quirks & Quarks - http://www.cbc.ca/quirks/archives/05-06/may27.html

Definately worth a listen!

Thanks for the great blog :)

[Liquid]

What a lovely blog.
I especially like 'your number 6' Enjoy the process commandment, because when I read that I kinda giggled inside, because I think most of us miss that and in doing so, we miss an important path that we need. Life is meant to be felt; the good, the bad, and the ugly! We become who we are as we react to the wonders of life and if we learn to take that process on as a challenge and learn to live in the moment with new eyes that see special things in a third person sorta way, then in that special view, we can also adjust, anticipate, and overcome whatever is tossed our way! Seconds of shock absorption! It's like getting an advantage of a few seconds before our physical or emotional reactions kick in. I learned this lesson in the depth of physical pain. For me, the realization came when I thought that I was alone in my pain and yet I wasn't really alone at all, is where I found out that we are capable of being happy even in the darkest places. Joy and happiness are always there if we will only open that third eye and pay closer attention. That's where you allow yourself to trust the unseen and IMHO, commune with your maker; whom holds the key of all things...hope, love, and things like happiness; both here in the now and eternal.

[Rebecca Lemov]

Hi Gretchen--I think those are excellent ideas, esp no. 1: there's a whole history to the reason why, in our culture, people believe that "letting it all out" is somehow salubrious. In fact, anger generates more anger. (Norman Mailer, reaching a high point of this type of reasoning, argued in court in the 1960s that he was justified in physically attacking his wife because, had he "suppressed" it, he would have gotten cancer. I'm not sure if that worked or not; definitely wouldn't today in the post-psychoanalytic era.) Personally, I found Thich Nhat Hahn's book on anger the most useful and pragmatic approach to neither a) letting it loose or b) repressing anger so that it will erupt elsewhere in other forms. Also: in terms of direct experience, Vipassana meditation, beginning with 10-days of insight meditation, helped me very much in the crucial task of ridding myself of the roots of anger.
--Becky L.

[Jo Cook]

Hi Gretchen,

I have to say that I find your blog absolutely inspirational. I too am quick to anger, and have bad mood swings, and your tips are really useful. I really wish I had your constructive and optimistic outlook to life- I do try but often don't manage and end up feeling guilty, or very sorry for myself. I've posted on my own site about the blogs I read for inspiration, and yours is definitely on the list!

Jo

[Brian]

Excellent article. I found myself reading each of your strategies and nodding my head. I definitely agree with the downward spiral that results from indulging one's anger...

... in fact, I had just finished stepping out of my office for five minutes to decompress after getting worked into a big of anger myself.

Picked up the link off of LifeHacks, by the way.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Thanks so much for your nice comments--I'm glad that some of those tips proved useful.

I haven't read the Jacobs book or the Putnam book, though I know they're both supposed to be terrific, so I will check those out of the library right away--I just needed a little push to pick them up. I LOVE Robertson Davies, have read everything by him, fiction and nonfiction, and most novels more than once, I think he's terrific. But I don't think he quite makes it to that crazy mystical level. I think he was trying, because he read a lot of Jung and those elements are in the books, but for me at least, it never quite gets there. But it's still marvellous work.

A lot of people have found me through Loobylu so -- thanks Loobylu! if you don't know that wonderful site, check it out (for parents).

Now, I thought I was trying a lot of different techniques on my happiness-project quest! Then I hear about a ten-day course of insight meditation, and I realize I am truly in the minor leagues with my Pollyanna Week and my post-it notes. Oh well. Maybe by next year I will have worked up to something like that. I love the Norman Mailer anecdote, you can't make this stuff up.

[Victoria]

A couple of ideas about anger.

I read somewhere anger is our reaction when our boundries or limits are crossed. It has helped me to examine the limits I have set on interactions with others. Sometimes we have limits that are not really reasonable, and it helps to adjust them a bit.

Another idea... I've realized I use anger as a weapon, to punish or cause another person to feel bad (for crossing my possibily unreasonable limits?). I'm careful now to be more objective about how I express my anger, recognizing it, yet NOT using it to hurt others.

Another thing that really helps me it to think of "the best reaction" to a situation. Why do I think the best reaction to a certain situation is getting angry?

I wish you the best in learning how to deal with your anger! I get angry a lot less these days, and I'm much happier for it!

[Bruno Miguel]

Hello from Portugal.
I really liked your article... I have a bad temper too, but I could never control my anger.
I'll try your tips; I really need to "chill" more often.

[Wende]

Bravo, You! I'll spread the word around. Why is self promotion so difficult for some of us and so terribly easy for others?

[Jessica]

I just began reading your blog, and I really enjoy it. Your diligence, thoroughness, and earnestness are refreshing. I just recommended it to my boyfriend, and will be sure to pass it along to other friends! Thanks.

[Jenni]

Gretchen...

I found your blog quite by accident through looking for links on Helen Hill...having said that ...I don't believe in accidents and think there's a reason why I stumbled here...since that day I visit often...but only have so much time to read so just today I went back to some old wednesday tips and found squelching anger ones...very much needed in my life at this point...counting to 10 has NEVER worked for me...these could work well...especially number 4...when I burst - I look into my boys eyes and see it...I'm only making it worse! For some odd reason I needed to see this in print to make it hit home!! Thank you!!

Being in pursuit of happiness myself...I found it soo perfect that you are taking this to heart as a project to publish - why haven't others done this...or have some and I am just out of touch??

In any case... I love your tips and ideas and page and recommended it to many also on the same journey ( I guess we all are) but to those who actively pursue with full intent and knowledge that that's what they are doing...thank you for...well..for your project...it inspires me daily!

Jenni

[shelli]

I agree that finding happiness is a wonderful thing.

But, um, telling yourself NOT to "feel your feelings?"

I'm worried that you are headed for an anuerism!

Feelings are just that - feelgins, not facts. Just let them be - it's SO OK to be angry. It's JUST a feeling.

How we ACT through our feelings is what counts, NOT the feeeling itself.

[Jayleigh]

Thank you so much for this. My problem is that I am incredibly hot-tempered, and I have a difficult time reigning it in. I know that I want to be more gentle with friends and especially my husband.

I don't have children yet, but I surely don't want to be yelling at them when I do have them.

And my favorite bit of advice is to ask "Am I mad at myself?" I can tell you, I AM. I have a twin (identical) and we constantly down each other... and it wasn't until a wise friend - who did some counseling - brought it to our attention that the faults we find in each other are SHARED BY BOTH OF US. That hurt. And it helped.

Thank you for sharing this.

[Ricks]

I wish u were near me i would come for counseling as i have been touched and healed by your coments.advices.thank you.
yours
Ricks.

[anonymous]

First time here and really enjoyed your article!

I am uncomfortable trying to promote my blog too and was left with mixed feeling about your note at the end. While the note itself sounds honest and quite touching, I found the bit about email spammy. I will do my part by voting for you on a social bookmark site. Hopefully that will drive some traffic through!

[Jessica]

i just have a question.....i have a 5 year old daughter and my husband (who is not her biological father) has been with her since she was 1. now that she is older i have noticed that he gets really upset with her easily and he has no patience or control over his temper when he gets mad. he yells at her for everything and he cant talk to her like a person, he always raises his voice and gets really mad when its not necessary. what can i do to get him to calm down so she doesnt grow up thinking that he is always going to yell at her and that everyone will yell at her for no reason. i dont want her to be afraid to say something or do something just because he may yell at her. i have tried talking to him about it but he just gets mad at me and says that i dont support him when he tries to discipline her. i dont know what else to do....and i am 36 weeks pregnant with twins now and i am trying to break him of this habit now before they get here. please help me!!!!!

[Lydia Ko]

Hey there. I am doing a research/ graphic design thesis and it pertains to a similar idea to your book/blog. I'm still in the process of developing my thesis

This really is inspirational. I would love an interview of some sort!

[Pam]

In Buddhism, the "antidote" to anger is: "interest." With practice, it really works. And it feels a whole lot better.

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