What makes a birthday happy?
Today is my birthday, and the Big Man wished me “Happy birthday!” the minute we woke up. I think I was more moved by that gesture than by any gift I could have received. The fact that my birthday was on his mind before we even got out of bed really touched me.
Though he wouldn’t describe it as a “happiness project,” I know that the Big Man has been working to change some things about himself. For example, he’s been trying to be less compulsive about going to the gym; as far as I can tell, he goes just as much, but is less stressed out about it.
He’s been working on being better about returning my emails dealing with our never-ending family logistics; he has improved tremendously on that front.
And now I also suspect that he’s been working on “family cheer.” Not only did he remember my birthday this morning, he also organized a family party this evening, and he took photos on our trip to India (in the past, he never took photos), and—this is what really tipped me off—he’s been doing some of the Christmas shopping. Unbelievable.
The Big Man is an outstanding gift-buyer—he’s given me some of my favorite items of clothing, and he has very original ideas. But he likes buying one gift at a time, not the stack of presents that we need to get for Christmas. But this year, he’s done half the work.
When I started the Happiness Project, I have to confess that I worried that if if I did more, he would do less. If I stopped nagging and complaining, would he leave all the work to me?
Well, I don’t know if my happiness project has had anything to do with it, but the Big Man is doing far more now than he used to. Voluntarily.
Now, correlation is not causation, so the ways that he’s changed may have nothing to do with the ways that I’ve changed. Or maybe they are related. But in any event, I’ve discovered that giving up nagging and complaining (well, mostly giving up nagging and complaining) haven’t made things worse. Surprise!
An unrelated thing that has made this day especially pleasant is that I happened to reflect on how often, in the past, I had to take an exam on my birthday. High school, college, law school—how clearly I remember spending my birthday hunting for good pens, flipping through blue books, humming mnemonic devices to myself. What happiness it is NOT to be taking an exam!
Ha, I know the feeling of taking exams on your birthday. My birthday is in April. When I took a year off from school, I *really* celebrated my 23rd birthday. This April, I will be studying for Crim. *Le sigh*
Posted by: starbucksweetie | December 14, 2006 at 02:54 PM
Happy Happy Birthday from one December baby to another. *smile*
Posted by: Sissy | December 14, 2006 at 03:12 PM
Happy birthday.
we share!
Posted by: Tony deLeo | December 14, 2006 at 03:51 PM
Happy Birthday Gretchen :-)
Posted by: Anna | December 14, 2006 at 04:29 PM
Happy birthday! My little gift to you:
Blog of the Day: The Happiness Project
http://divedi.blogspot.com/2006/12/blog-of-day-happiness-project.html
Posted by: Dimitar Vesselinov | December 14, 2006 at 04:55 PM
Have a great one for what's left of it! My birthday was yesterday, and my hubby, as usual, made a point of making it special. I agree with you - the fact that your spouse is really thinking about your birthday, amid all the Christmas fuss, is better than any gift.
Posted by: damselfly | December 14, 2006 at 05:47 PM
Happy Birthday!
Posted by: Chris Yeh | December 14, 2006 at 06:23 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! The older I get, the bigger deal I make of my birthday, and I think you should too! Sounds as if the Big Man is a terrific hub. :) ~Monica
Posted by: Monica Ricci | December 14, 2006 at 07:14 PM
Happy Birthday!
I really Enjoy your podcasts - thanks.
Posted by: kara | December 14, 2006 at 09:53 PM
Happy Birthday Gretchen and just before xmas. By the way I blogged about you today on kstyle. Hope to get the word out in the design community about The Happiness Project.k
Posted by: kstyle | December 15, 2006 at 01:32 AM
happy birthday to you!
Posted by: chanel | December 15, 2006 at 02:09 AM
Happy birthday from Germany, too!
Enjoy the day and continue blogging!
I have also observed that nagging is not productive at all and many times just has the opposite effect. If I clearly state what needs to be done, why and when (like we all would do at work...) the results are much better.
Posted by: chris | December 15, 2006 at 03:08 AM
Happy Birthday from Kenya!
Posted by: emilie | December 15, 2006 at 03:59 AM
Happy birthday Gretchen!
I absolutely love your blog, it brightens up my day and I've started going through all your archives.
I guess I'm a bit late in wishing you... hope the day and the party were great :)
Posted by: shuchetana | December 15, 2006 at 05:30 AM
aaaand...Happy Day After Your Birthday!!
Best wishes for another great year, also.
Posted by: Sharyn | December 15, 2006 at 06:33 AM
I took a difficult Praxis exam last May, and it made me *so* happy that I thought it would be great if I could take tests for a living. I love to take tests, but once you're an adult, you rarely get to. So a happy birthday for me would be one where I'd get to take a difficult test and ace it. Although I try not to indulge in self-fulfilling prophecies, I have major problems dealing with my birthday each year because of negative things that happened on that day in the past (e.g., my husband calling me to tell me "Happy Birthday. I slept with someone and I want a divorce."--things like that). This year on my birthday, I'm going to try to leave the world behind so I won't get grumpy and depressed. Maybe I could travel somewhere and take a test. :)
Posted by: Jude | December 15, 2006 at 10:45 AM
Happy Birthday to you..Happy Birthday to you..Happy Birthday dear Gretchen..Happy Birthday to you!
Posted by: Natalie | December 15, 2006 at 01:05 PM
Happy Birthday! ･:*:･o(´∀`o) :confetti:
I'd never know how that feels. I was born the day after Christmas. It's always a holiday, but it isn't fun.
1. People always use Christmas as an excuse for forgetting my birthday. (doesn't make sense to me)
2. I only get ONE present for both Christmas and Birthday.
3. I often get unwanted Christmas presents re-gifted to me as birthday presents.
4. My friends are often too busy to show up for my birthday.
5. I can never get a cake on my birthday when all the shops are closed. I have to get my cake on 24th and keep it for 2 days in the fridge.
Depending on others to give me happiness is unrealistic and beyond my control. I learned to expect nothing of it, so I get ecstatic when someone remembers my birthday! :)
Posted by: adora | December 15, 2006 at 01:32 PM
Thanks so much for all these good wishes! Zoikes, this makes me very happy. Adora--what a drag to have your birthday overshadowed by Christmas every year. I vow to remember it!
Posted by: Gretchen Rubin | December 15, 2006 at 01:52 PM
Happy Birthday! May you have many more happy ones!
Posted by: Cara | December 15, 2006 at 01:57 PM
Hope you had a great day! And since I'm late, I'll just wish you a happy "regular" day and year!!
Posted by: Thijs | December 16, 2006 at 05:31 AM
your comments on your birthday and your husband's improved beahvior sounded liek a good companion insight to that in the wildly popular NYT article by the woman who was researching the book on how wild animals are tamed (Shamu was in the article title) ... it lead to a book proposaal. She found that praising the things she enjoyedd (no matter how small the incident) encouraged that behavior... and ignoring behavior she did not want to reinforce (rather than nagging or reacting at all)
Insight from Shamu training: Whatever you praise you cause to flourish
Insight from your year: watching attractive/positive behavior is contagious - inspires one to emulate it
Posted by: kare Anderson | December 16, 2006 at 07:47 PM
The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.
Posted by: rat | December 19, 2006 at 02:11 PM