In which I reflect on someone else's very different approach to a happiness project.

Last night, I finished Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir, Eat, Pray, Love. In some ways, her story is very much like the Happiness Project—she decides to change her life to see if she can boost her happiness. Except in her adventuresome case, she moves for several months to Rome to study Italian, then to India to practice meditation in an ashram, then Bali to visit a medicine man, while I’ve stayed parked in my own kitchen.

It’s a great book, and Gilbert has many fascinating adventures and insights. She eats a lot of pasta, travels to many cities, meditates, makes new friends, learns a lot about herself, and in my favorite section of the book, raises money to buy a house for a woman and her children. But boy, her happiness project wouldn’t have made me happy.

More and more, I’m realizing how unique each person’s happiness project must be. The secret to making yourself happier is to realize what’s right FOR YOU (though no matter what your personality, you’d better include a supportive social network in your blueprint). For example, travel makes Gilbert very happy; I’ve never had wanderlust.

Another difference between our happiness projects is our starting point. Gilbert is profoundly unhappy and starts her travel year out of desperation. She’s going through a difficult divorce, plus she’s breaking up with a new love. She cries all the time, she’s taking antidepressants, she can hardly eat. My story is much less dramatic.

I worry that people will find my account boring for that reason, because the stakes are too low—no divorce, no 700-pound weight loss, no dysfunctional, abusive family. Maybe people will find me unsympathetic. “Why is she spending so much time trying to be happier? She admits that she was pretty happy before she even started!”

As it turns out, most Americans say they’re happy. In a recent survey, 34% of Americans described themselves as “very happy” and 50% described themselves as “pretty happy.” That’s 84%, and that’s a lot.

Desperately unhappy folks know they need to make changes. But I hope that my happiness project will show people that it’s worth the effort to make changes, even if you’re “pretty happy” already.

I’ve been surprised by how much work it is to be happy, but I’ve also been surprised by what a boost I got from the steps I’ve taken. And I’ve really come to believe that even if you’re already pretty happy—or if you don’t believe in thinking about your life in terms of “being happy”—it’s worth taking the trouble to be happier.

If not for yourself—for other people. Happier people are more helpful, more flexible, more altruistic, more energetic, and more likeable. Their happiness helps other people feel happier. So by taking the trouble to make yourself happier, you’ll make others happier too.

Elizabeth Gilbert’s transformation is remarkable. I marvel at how much she went through—both before her Eat, Pray, Love adventure, and during it. But you don’t have to wait until you can move to Rome, or live in an ashram, to start a happiness project. The ruby slippers are on your feet right now.

*
Many thanks to Tim, who out of sheer generosity fixed the color in my blog photo. Tim, I hope your good deed has made YOU very happy—that’s the “do good, feel good” effect.

Comments

[Debra Owen]

Gretchen,

After reading (and loving) your blog for quite some time, I'm finally prompted to comment.

This is precisely why I find your happiness project so fascinating! I often find myself asking what truly prompts us to change. I could phrase the same question as, "How bad does it have to get?"

I even found myself asking this at work this week. We're making progress, lots of improvements, and people are happy about that. For some reason, a conversation came up about companies losing money and waiting until it's too late to turn it around. How bad does it have to get?

And then there's this. A friend of mine recently decided to get a divorce. It didn't have to get as bad for her as I've seen with others. How bad does it have to get?

While I sometimes suffer from the not-really-having-anything-to-complain-about-compared-to-the-suffering-in-the-world guilt, I like the idea of moving forward, of progressing towards more happiness, of finding out if the journey to happiness is the same if it gets "that bad" or not.

And I appreciate your reminder of Dorothy, and that we have the power within us already.

all the best!
deb

[Monica Ricci]

Gretchen, to those that would pooh-pooh trying to get even MORE happy -- dare I say JOYFUL -- when one is already "pretty happy", I say this... GOOD is the enemy of GREAT. (I wish I'd said it originally, but it was actually Jim Collins who did). But it's true. When you settle for "good", "fine", or "okay", you're denying yourself the experience of GREAT, AWESOME, AND INCREDIBLE!
~Monica

[Sharyn]

Boring and unsympathetic? Hardly - in fact perhaps just the opposite. There are a lot more people who could relate to someone who's not desperately unhappy, but simply interested in considering ideas of what could be helpful in their "ordinary" lives. The idea of going to Rome and India in the pursuit of happiness may be exciting and romantic, but not practical, or even anywhere near necessary, for the majority of us.

RE: Your own happiness benefiting others:
From a tomb in Westminster Abbey:
"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world.

As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it too seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, on one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now as I lay on my deathbed, I suddenly realize – if I had only changed myself first, then by example I might have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement I would then have been able to better my country and who knows, I may have changed the world."

[Patti]

"Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing" William Butler Yeats.

[Michelle]

I found your blog completely at random (StumbleUpon) a few weeks ago, but I've kept reading because I, too, have been doing my own "happiness project" for years. I always have a plan on what I can change or tweak about myself to make my life better.

"If not for yourself—for other people. Happier people are more helpful, more flexible, more altruistic, more energetic, and more likeable. Their happiness helps other people feel happier. So by taking the trouble to make yourself happier, you’ll make others happier too."

You've heard the expression, "If momma's not happy, ain't nobody happy"? My main reason for trying to be happier is to make my kids' lives happier. I try not to look for "happiness" that takes me away from my family, even just mentally, but I look for the joy in doing things with an for them. Which reminds me, thanks for the link to Suburban CEO -- I love that site, too!!

[Gretchen Rubin]

Thanks, everyone, for such great comments. I feel so encouraged that people agree with me -- that it's worth the effort to try to make changes for the better, even when things are already pretty good. I love the "if momma ain't happy" line -- I heard a different version of same notion: "Happy wife, happy life." At first, when I heard it, I thought "Yippeee! It's all about me," then I realized what a big responsibility that is: the duty to be happy. and THANK YOU Patti for the Yeats quote. I've been trying to think about that very issue, using the word "advancement" which isn't quite right. No surprise, Yeats has it figured out.

[Church of Jacin]

Hello Gretchen. I've read your blog for some time now. I've waited and waited for you to say you've read the book "How we Choose to be Happy" by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks but you haven't said it yet. I think it is the greatest book about how we find happiness. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.

[sushil_yadav]

The link between Mind and Social / Environmental-Issues.

The fast-paced, consumerist lifestyle of Industrial Society is causing exponential rise in psychological problems besides destroying the environment. All issues are interlinked. Our Minds cannot be peaceful when attention-spans are down to nanoseconds, microseconds and milliseconds. Our Minds cannot be peaceful if we destroy Nature.

Industrial Society Destroys Mind and Environment.

Subject : In a fast society slow emotions become extinct.
Subject : A thinking mind cannot feel.
Subject : Scientific/ Industrial/ Financial thinking destroys the planet.

Emotion is what we experience during gaps in our thinking.

If there are no gaps there is no emotion.

Today people are thinking all the time and are mistaking thought (words/ language) for emotion.

When society switches-over from physical work (agriculture) to mental work (scientific/ industrial/ financial/ fast visuals/ fast words ) the speed of thinking keeps on accelerating and the gaps between thinking go on decreasing.

There comes a time when there are almost no gaps.

People become incapable of experiencing/ tolerating gaps.

Emotion ends.

Man becomes machine.

A society that speeds up mentally experiences every mental slowing-down as Depression / Anxiety.

A ( travelling )society that speeds up physically experiences every physical slowing-down as Depression / Anxiety.

A society that entertains itself daily experiences every non-entertaining moment as Depression / Anxiety.

FAST VISUALS /WORDS MAKE SLOW EMOTIONS EXTINCT.

SCIENTIFIC /INDUSTRIAL /FINANCIAL THINKING DESTROYS EMOTIONAL CIRCUITS.

A FAST (LARGE) SOCIETY CANNOT FEEL PAIN / REMORSE / EMPATHY.

A FAST (LARGE) SOCIETY WILL ALWAYS BE CRUEL TO ANIMALS/ TREES/ AIR/ WATER/ LAND AND TO ITSELF.

To read the complete article please follow either of these links :

http://www.planetsave.com/ps_mambo/index.php?option=com_simpleboard&Itemid=75&func=view&id=68&catid=6

http://www.earthnewswire.com/index.php?option=com_forum&Itemid=89&page=viewtopic&t=11

sushil_yadav

[TasterSpoon]

I love Sharyn's tombstone. There's a lot to be said for the trickle up effect - I do think good things are more likely to grow and spread organically from a little seed than to be imposed from above (though there's room for both).

I had a relative who had a low opinion of people she called "Do Gooders" - people rushing around to fix other's lives when they didn't have their own houses in order. I think your blog takes the same approach - start with yourself.

Whether or not you use all of your techniques, the introspection your site teaches is invaluable.

[Alex Fayle]

I wonder how many within the 50% percent of "pretty happy" if you drew out the questions to bring a distinction between comfortable and happy would still choose happy?

I know a lot of people who would say happy, but if you really dig, you find out that they aren't doing anything they've ever dreamed of, but they've just gotten used to life as it is. "Comfortably Numb" some band once said .

[danielle]

I look at your blog daily. I have discovered this. There is not always happiness but there is joy. Joy is standing in the middle of an unfixable situation and being content. Yes, there are things we can do to thwart unhappiness, but somtimes things just happen. Lost, found, empty full. In all things be content. That is a happy place.