I’ve been working hard to be happier, but boy, there’s room for improvement.

So I’ve been working on my Happiness Project for a year now. I know that when I behave better, I’m happier. And yet when I look back at some of my recent misdeeds, I see how far I have to go.

I haven’t done an “evening tidy-up” in three days, and it shows. A pair of little red shoes on the window sill, no toilet paper in our bathroom, magazines that need to go to recycling, plastic play food in every corner…and where is my camera? I need that tidy-up. The disorder is making me crabby.

Despite having allegedly sworn off “fake food,” I went to Tasti-D-Lite on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this week. Tasti-D-Lite, a kind of mysteriously delicious frozen “yoghurt,” was my favorite fake food until I discovered the Nutritious Creations cookie. I can’t just re-substitute one fake food for another! That’s not healthy.

I saw an acquaintance on the street from afar, but didn’t go over to say hello (I wasn’t sure I remembered his name correctly). I felt unfriendly.

I made a gratuitous critical comment about a dinner I attended—to the host! Who was my father-in-law! Sheesh. I felt remorseful and ungrateful.

Last night, I was mad at the Big Man. “You want to know one of my pet peeves?” I snapped at him as we left the dinner. (As if I think he really wants to know.) “Being hustled to leave, then being kept waiting.” I felt like a harridan.

And not only did I snipe at the Big Man last night about this pet peeve, this morning, as I was walking to the gym, I fell into a pit of “overthinking.” Studies show that overthinking—i.e., brooding on petty slights, replaying aggravating encounters, dwelling on sad emotions—contributes to unhappiness. I can attest to that. As I walked, I thought about how annoyed I was last night, and how he’d often done hustled me and then made me wait, and then I imagined berating him about it…until finally I had a flash of mindfulness and realized how ridiculous I was being. I’d whipped myself into a rage.

If I behave better, I’ll feel better. I repeat to myself some of the relevant Twelve Commandments:
--Let it go.
--Be polite and be fair.
--Do what ought to be done.
--Lighten up.
--There is only love.

The advantage of the Happiness Project is that at least I have the comfort of knowing that I did sing in the morning to my girls, I did kiss the Big Man good-bye, I did go to weight-training, I did remember a friend’s birthday, I did eat fruit salad instead of a dessert, I did tackle some things on my to-do list, I did take a moment to appreciate how happy I am to be back in our usual routine after vacation.

Comments

[Jude]

It sounds as though this time you let your rules for happiness and subsequent analysis get in the way of your happiness.

[thodarumm]

Dear..
Hugs!
At least you and I are trying :)
And it is definitely working.
Keep growing.
I have stopped snapping at my Big Man and children because it is so ridiculous, they ARE MY LIFE and am much happier.

:)

[Mad William Flint]

See I've been working on the whole happiness thing for a while. But I'm FAR too short on self-discipline to manage 12 commandments.

The one I've stuck with, and that has for me the biggest bang for the buck is:

"Smile By Default"

Most other stuff seems to fall into place behind that.

[Michael]

Related to Mad William's "smile by default" rule....

A couple of years ago I was preparing with a friend to attend a business school reunion ... which undoubtedly would put us in company of people that were way more successful and about whom we would have ambivalent feelings (So we thought, anyhow.)

We came up with the mantra, "when in doubt, kiss and hug."

It worked great. We kissed and hugged everyone and had a great time.

[Sharyn]

What is it about our mentality that we want to "overthink" the problems, the difficult or bad things, but we don't do that with the good things, the successes?
Sometimes it seems like we are fighting against our human nature in our efforts to be happy - kind of reminds me of "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or else what's a heaven for?"
Dwell on your successes - they are many, and big!

[Richard Fritzson]

One of the best things about learning even a little bit of mindfulness meditation is that you can learn to do a lot less "overthinking" of these negative scenarios. I know I used to be prone to doing it alot. And it certainly does contribute to unhappiness. (It's not just that "unhappy people" do it.) When one of those "fantasy bubbles" pops there's nothing left but the angry feelings.\

Many thanks for for your happiness project blog.

[kstyle]

Hi Gretchen

I feel like there is such a balance to be had between living the "conscious" life and overthinking it. On a good day I find my way down the middle of this delicate line but then it is so so easy to slip onto the dark side. Are some people more inclined to question and overthink. Is it genetic or gender based. My big man seems to do much less of it than I. Wonder what you think about that. Love your honest reflections. So refreshing. k

[Pinkmohair]

Gretchen, don't underestimate how moderation in all things can lead to happiness. You need to stop berating yourself for your Tasti-Dlite habit. It could be crack. Try and plan for a TDL 4 times a week, patting yourself on the back for abstinence the other 3 days.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Ah, moderation! I often think of Oscar Wilde's line, "Do nothing in excess, not even moderation." but those cookies, the Tasti-D-Lite -- I think it may be easier to give it up than to be moderate. It's less draining. I have no decisions to make, no internal debate, no need to remember whether I indulged on Monday...and when I feel like I'm giving in to bad habits, I become crabbier, so then I just behave worse. Well, we'll see if I can even stick to this.

[Monica Ricci]

Gretchen, an insightful post, as always! It begs the question though, where is the line between *being petty* and simply asking for what you want from your partner? (again, this falls under the "pick your battles" department)

I believe it's not only acceptable to ask your partner for what you want, and give them the opportunity to fulfill your request (or not), but it's incumbent upon us as coupled people to do so. To be able to confront each other and resolve issues (big or small) without being angry, hurtful or petty is a real skill, and one worth working on. It keeps communication open and safe, which is one of the keys to a healthy, happy relationship.

So perhaps you felt badly about snapping at The Big Man because even though your request itself was entirely reasonable, you chose a less-than-ideal delivery of the message. After all, he's not a mind-reader, so unless you tell him what bothers you, how will he know??

My point here is not to give you advice on how to communicate. Sorry. My point is don't beat yourself up for stating what's bothering you and asking for it to be different. Maybe it's simply your choice of delivery that made you feel badly.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's exactly right. The issue itself wasn't a big deal -- it was my biting, angry tone, which hit him from out of the blue. I'm sure the Big Man wasn't consciously aware of his pattern. A good example of how it's better to pause before expressing anger--usually my feelings completely dissipate, or if not, I can express them in a calmer (and therefore more effective way). and gosh I hate sounding like a shrew!