Need to find the perfect gift? Change someone’s lightbulbs.

One thing I’ve been thinking about is generosity—what it means to be generous, how to be generous.

It’s not just a matter of buying presents for people—though presents are important, too. I hate to shop, and I don’t much like to receive stuff myself, so I’m reluctant to give things to people. I’ve been trying to be better about giving gifts when appropriate, and also trying to figure out how to be generous in intangible ways.

Baltasar Gracian wrote, “The great art of giving consists in this: the gift should cost very little and yet be greatly coveted, so that it may be the more highly appreciated.”

A friend of mine told me about a gift she’d just received that’s a perfect example of this kind of generosity. Her friend told her, “For Christmas, I’m going to replace every burned-out lightbulb in your house.” And she did. She went around the house, took out every burned-out bulb, went to the hardware store to buy replacements, and put fresh bulbs in every empty socket.

And when my friend went to her hardware closet over the weekend, she discovered that she’d also received stacks and stacks of spare bulbs.

What a great idea! What a simple yet brilliant gesture. It reminded me of the scene in Anne Lamott’s fantastic memoir Operating Instructions, when a man from her church comes to help her with her new baby, and ends up cleaning her bathroom.

When I was thinking about how to be generous, I found myself thinking, “If I were a professional chef, I could cook…or if I were really good at computers, I could help someone set up their system…but I don’t really have any special skills. What can I do?” Well, I could change some lightbulbs.

Over the last several months, I’ve tried to find ways to be generous that tap into my own nature. Helping friends clean out their closets is my favorite thing to do (I love to do this so much that really, they’re the ones being generous to me, by letting me come over). I’ve reviewed friends’ books on Amazon, given helpful information, repeated behind-the-back compliments I hear (hearing that someone complimented you when you weren’t present is always more gratifying, because it’s presumably more sincere), taken photos of other people’s kids and sending them copies, etc. Sometimes I do buy things for people—for example, I went on a jag of buying people subscriptions to my beloved Slightly Foxed magazine.

What has surprised me (though it's really not surprising) is that the most effective way to be generous is to connect people. I’ve had a few MAJOR hits—when I’ve introduced people who then made life-altering changes (business and personal) based on that new relationship. And the crazy thing is that it took so little effort on my part. A quick conversation, a few emails, a few prods, and—wham.

And who is made happiest by such an act of generosity? Me! This is the heart of happiness, the fundamental truth that sounds like a commercial for an Oprah episode. Nothing makes me happier than helping someone else to be happy. Do good, feel good! Try it at home!

It sounds so priggish, but zoikes, it really does work.

Comments

[Sharyn]

This post is really, really right. It reminds me of how here in the South when there is a death, people brings all kinds of food to the family home so that no one has to cook, sometimes for weeks. People also often provide free babysitting help or have extra visiting relatives stay with neighbors. I knew one person who meticulously shined the shoes of all the family members who would be attending a funeral. The best acts of generosity are acts of unselfishness and/or compassion.

In this vein, I was thinking the other day about a kind of "circle" of unselfishness and happiness. Unselfishness and compassion bring happiness and, in turn, happiness brings on more unselfishness and compassion, because people who aren't happy or don't feel blessed themselves have a harder time giving to others. That's what I think, anyway.

[Monica Ricci]

Sharyn beat me to it. Sometimes it's the most mundane acts that say "I care" the most. When I lost my favorite cat, I came home from work to find that my husband had already cleaned out her little box, her food and water dishes and put away her toys. When I asked why he did that, he said, "Because I knew you wouldn't want to have to do it". That right there said "I love you" more than any bouquet of roses he could have bought me.

And when I lost my mom a few years ago, people would say, "Is there anything I can do?" And at a time of loss, you just can't think of one thing to suggest, because everything else becomes simultaneously SUPER small in comparison to your pain, yet, your pain makes everything -- even small stuff -- too big to deal with. So the best thing that people did for me during my grief was cooking, cleaning, doing dishes, laundry, etc. Having someone taking care of the small, mundane things of life, was the biggest helps to me, so I try to remember to do that for others without being asked.

Great post Gretchen!

[Jude]

As a single parent of three, I abhor gifts because what I really need is help. Once when I was packing for a vacation (and still had a husband who was doing nothing to help), my day care lady dropped by to visit and, instead of criticizing the utter chaos of my existence, she pitched in folding socks. That simple act was one of the most profound gifts I ever received, which is why I love her to this day (10 years later). [Of course, it doesn't hurt that if she knows we're going to drop by to visit, she always makes us banana bread.]

When my son was hospitalized before he was 2 years old, I called her and she drove the 30 miles at night (her least favorite time to drive) to visit him at the hospital. She rocked him while he had a breathing treatment and stayed until we were all much calmer and he was better. It helps to feel that one person will be there for you if she can.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It makes me happy just to read these stories of how people knew how to be generous and thoughtful. Sometimes it seems like lots of trouble to take the extra step, but always worth it. I think Monica makes an important point: when someone is really in trouble or in deep sorrow, to ask, "How can I help?" can be putting a burden on them. They're too stunned to delegate. So just doing SOMETHING is helpful. I think it's also good to look out for the generous gestures that need some imagination -- for the person not in dire need, but whom I can help.

[Monica Ricci]

Gretchen, you're right. That is exactly what I meant. When my friends lost their 4 month old baby boy last year, the minute I heard, I went to the store and bought a cooler and a whole bunch of different foods, some flowers and a card, and just drove to their home. I didn't call first, I just did it because I knew I just had to ACT without someone telling me what to do. This is the most helpful for people who are paralyzed emotionally -- they can't delegate, so anticipating their needs is important. Thanks for clarifying what I meant. :)

[Mike S]

Love the post - I've always said, it is easy to spend money on people. Spending time with/on people means more to everyone involved. And with your background - I love to see you use the word "zoikes". On a tangent - have you seen the movie "What the bleep do we know?" It is a deep thinking movie, but based on some of the posts I've read, I think you might appreciate it. It's not really an entertaining movie - it's a movie that makes you think and seems to tie into your Happiness Project quite well. My wife hated it - I liked it for what it made me think about.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I've never heard of the movie...now I'm off to NetFlix to put it in the queue. thanks for the suggestion.

[Lilly Evans]

I take it these were all energy saving bulbs, right!

I was told that when you go on holiday, especially if it is in less developed country, you should take several energy saving bulbs - there some really small and also quite bright ones around. They are expensive for people who earn little and save money for them!

You just reminded me what I should take for our forthcoming trip to Egypt. Thank you!

[Tom]

Sorry if I have missed a subtle point here, but if someone offered to replace every burnt out lightbulb in my house it would cost them zero cash and zero time - there are none. Who leaves burnt out bulbs in sockets for god's sake? If I try and switch on my living room light and it's burnt out, there's a pretty clear incentive for me to get off my backside and change it myself.

[Jaimie]

I thought of this post when I was brainstorming gift ideas for a friend's birthday. Her birthday is in early January and I was burnt out on buying gifts for people, and I knew she had received a ton of gifts for Christmas.

We work at the same company, and so I made her a coupon for a week of healthy, home-made lunches to be prepared and transported by me (she is often leaning over my lunch saying "What's that? That looks good!") Anyway, she was thrilled with the gift and I am having fun thinking of some interesting lunchbox ideas for us to enjoy together.

[Noumenon]

I take it these were all energy saving bulbs, right!

They can't have been -- no one would buy "stacks and stacks" of replacement compact fluorescents. They'd last for decades. But gifts are like that. As much as you might eat only whole wheat bread and fruit yourself, if you want to give someone food without seeming to lecture them you bring them donuts.

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