Should my seven-year-old wear clothes that she likes or that I like?

Thinking about happiness often means balancing one person’s views against another person’s—I’ve been thinking about kids’ clothing.

The Big Girl has started having definite ideas about what clothes she likes and dislikes. And her tastes and my tastes clash.

I’d love for her to wear classic children’s clothing—Peter Pan collars, wool dresses. But that’s not what she wants to wear.

So who prevails? I’ve decided that clothes, unless actually inappropriate, aren’t important enough to merit a parental veto—within reason, of course, and properly priced. But t-shirts with big designs and sparkles, jeans with embroidered flowers up and down the legs, ugly color combinations…okay.

A parent might feel very strongly that children shouldn’t bow to fashion or fads, so the fact that other kids dress a certain way is itself a reason not to permit it. Or a parent might make an aesthetic judgment and want children to dress according to adult taste, no matter what the other kids are wearing.

In Judith Rich Harris’s fascinating and controversial book, The Nurture Assumption, she argues that childhood is the period in people’s lives when fitting in is most important. Therefore, she suggests, parents should help their children look “normal and attractive”—for example, by dressing them in clothes like those of other kids.

I was very lucky with this issue growing up. I was an odd duck, and desperate to fit in, but so anxious I couldn’t even go about it properly. I remember when my mother said, “Would you like to go shopping for jeans?” I didn’t have a single pair of jeans! I did want a pair, but I dreaded shopping for them so much that I couldn’t bring myself to mention it. I was incredibly grateful to my mother for understanding all this.

Of course I want my children to understand the importance of being able to buck the crowd, to assert themselves to do the right thing, to defend unpopular ideas or preferences. But I’ve decided that clothes aren’t the ground to make the parenting point about the importance of the individual conscience; plus I wonder whether being able to fit in with the crowd is an important step in being able to stand up to the crowd effectively.

Yes, yes, this is a petty issue. That said, I’ve talked to plenty of adults who remember being made miserable by the clothes they had to wear as children.

Was this unhappiness good for them? I don’t think so. As Samuel Johnson observed, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.”

And the Big Girl's taste is actually growing on me.

Comments

[Jude]

At that age, it's a little easier. When my daughter and I shopped, I'd let her select a lot of clothes, but only purchase a few on each trip. Right now, however, I have a 14-year-old who dresses in Goth pants. He also has long hair. The 12-year-old only wears flimsy Hawaiian shirts, even in the Colorado winter. My 14-year-old refused to wear a coat last winter, opting for "hoodies." My greatest clothing triumph this year was convincing him to wear a coat. In other words, it becomes more difficult the older they get.

[seva]

Let her choose, within reason. It's not worth fighting about, especially if she will dress herself. Ask her to pick out the outfit the night before, when any of your reservations can be addressed in a calm manner.

If this won't work for you, strike a bargain with her: She chooses on certain days and you choose on others.

Good luck!

seva

[Tracy]

Hmm. . . what message do you think you are sending when you criticize your children's taste in clothes? It's not like they are making YOU where what they like, why do you think you should make them wear your taste? Is their happiness not as important as yours?

[Alex Fayle]

I think clothes are one of the best ways for a child to express his or her growing individuality.

That becomes even more important when they hit the teens and a real need for independence kicks in.

I remember my mother trying to ban me from going out dressed a certain way. My father's response was: "Why? He's the one who has to look like that."

We did, however, come to a compromise. I could wear what I liked, but when we visited grandparents, I had to tidy up (wear my same clothes, but tuck shirts in, flatten the hair). That wasn't about control - that was about respect for my grandparents and I could appreciate that.

[andrea from the fishbowl]

It's hard to know where to draw that line. Especially as it pertains to seven year old girls. I have one!

As someone who used to wear big black doc martins and wore torn second-hand jeans while the rest of my highschool class was wering button-down dress shirts, my issue isn't with looking "weird" ... it's with trashy clothing. Size seven clothes are most often the beginning of a size range that goes from seven to 14 or so. And a seven year old should (in most cases!) not be dressing like a 14 y.o. I hate the off-the-shoulder, sexified girly-slogan festooned garb that is so common nowadays.

While my daughter is seven I am still directing the places we shop. I have had the best luck with the Gap and Old Navy. My daughter looks great in long sweaters, knee highs and preppy collars. When we get there I usually choose a few different things and she picks from there.

I definitely don't want to make her miserable. We all have bad memories of our parents making us wear something we didn't want to.

I hope to direct the shopping as long as I can. I realize it'll get tougher when she's older. By then I hope (a) she'll have developed good taste and (b)i'll be able to accept what she decides to wear and be supportive, even if she shaves her head and wears mismatched socks because that's what everybody's doing.

[Monica Ricci]

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a parent but in prehistoric times, I was indeed a kid. Like you, Gretchen, I struggled to fit in and never quite did on the basis of looks/style alone. Dammit all, I was forced to develop my personality and sense of humor if I was to make friends! ;) I was what you'd call an incredibly late bloomer. (my "awkward stage" lasted from age ten to about 28...)

Anyway, I think as long as your daughter doesn't leave the house looking like a Traci Lords protege, (and I've seen a lot of that) I think this one falls under the "Pick Your Battles" category.

On a related note, I am often flabbergasted when I see teenage daughters out with their mothers and the daughters are dressed like hookers -- WITH their mothers present! I always want to say to the mom, "How much ya selling her for?" but I have never had the nerve.

[Koan]

Reading all the comments, I think this isn't a petty topic. I find it easier to get out of the house by giving my daughter limited control in this area. She's 3 and I let her pick out her outfits (of course I am still buying most of her outfits).

It is hard not to make suggestions; but it is also interesting to watch her developing fashion-sense. She explained to me that her red/orange/green striped shirt matched her pink/black/blue/purple striped pants because they are both stripes.

And after reading the book Sisters by David McPhail she loves wearing two different colored socks.

I like Alex's comments a lot and hope I remember the compromise that he and his parents worked out.

And I enjoy your blog tremendously.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, I've seen kids dressed that way. A friend told me the term is "prosti-tots."
I'm relieved to hear that lots of people agree with me that this isn't the right battle to choose. Our kids don't know how lucky they are! My father is still talking about the little girl who sat next to him in grade school, who was so miserable because of the ugly clothes her parents made her wear.

[kstyle]

This is an ineresting topic. First I have 3 sons so unfortunately haven't done the daughter thing but I will say that when we lived in mexico and then australia for a total of 4 years and the kids wore uniforms to school all was well on this subject for the duration. The kids were absolutely fine with it, secretly relieved I think, and well us parents were estactic. My son even wore a speedo as part of the school uniform in australia. Anyway that said I do keep a pretty watchful eye on what he's wearing now. I do have to admit that I'm really glad I avoided the whole piercing thing although lots of really neat kids at our high school have them or several. k

[Chris Yeh]

An extreme case, but perhaps informative:

Ernest Hemingway's mother wanted a little girl, so she dressed him in pink dresses and ribbons until he was 5.

[Sharyn]

I think we tend as parents to dress them as the child we want them to be (above comment is an extreme example) or we feel, whether we acknowledge it or not, that how they look is a reflection on our parenting. And perhaps it is, if we let them carry it too far - i.e. the "pre-teen hooker" look. Short of that, I throughly agree with the "pick your battles" attitude, compromises, or even bribes when the situation really, really calls for it - like how to dress for Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma's.

[Jackie Danicki]

My mother is a narcissist and so I was only allowed ever to wear clothes that she had picked or otherwise approved. Even as an adult, she would buy me clothes that SHE would wear (and gifts SHE would want to receive...etc). Not learning to pay attention to my own desires and needs did a lot of damage, and even in such a seemingly inconsequential arena like fashion, taught me that I must tune in first and foremost to others' expectations of me. You've made the right choice here, Gretchen.

[Suzyn]

When I was little, my mom made a deal with me: we wouldn't buy anything unless we BOTH agreed on it. I immediately tested her (I was 3) by saying no to a pair of pink and white striped overalls... my mom can still remember them, but she didn't buy them, because I said no. So I believed her. And it worked. We never had a fight over clothes.
Once I was old enough to have my own money, I was allowed to buy whatever I wanted with it. Fortunately for my mom, my tastes tended more towards romantic heroine than hooker...