The Happiness Project: This Wednesday: Tips for pleasing in society.

My Twelve Commandments

1. Be Gretchen.
2. Let it go.
3. Act as I would feel.
4. Do it now.
5. Be polite and be fair.
6. Enjoy the process.
7. Spend out.
8. Identify the problem.
9. Lighten up.
10. Do what ought to be done.
11. No calculation.
12. There is only love.

Secrets of Adulthood.

By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.
People don’t notice your mistakes and flaws as much as you think.
It's nice to have plenty of money.
Most decisions don't require extensive research.
Try not to let yourself get too hungry.
Even if you think they are fake holidays, it's nice to celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day.
If you can't find something, clean up.
The days are long, but the years are short.
Someplace, keep an empty shelf.
Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.
It's okay to ask for help.
You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you LIKE to do.
Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.
What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.
You don't have to be good at everything.
Soap and water removes most stains.
It's important to be nice to EVERYONE.
You know as much as most people.
Over-the-counter medicines are very effective.
Eat better, eat less, exercise more.
What's fun for other people may not be fun for you--and vice versa.
People actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their registry.
Houseplants and photo albums are a lot of trouble.
If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.
No deposit, no return.

Month-by-month goals for the Happiness Project.

December: The way of perfection.
November: Take the extra step.
October: Try hypnosis.
September: Write a novel.
August: Contemplate the heavens.
July: Buy a white t-shirt; throw away a white t-shirt.
June: Eat a peach.
May: Laugh out loud.
April: Remember birthdays.
March: Start a blog.
February: Sing in the morning.
January: Clear my closets.

Happiness theories I reject.

Vauvenargues: “There are men who are happy without knowing it.”
Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
Sartre: "Hell is other people."
Willa Cather: “One cannot divine nor forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them…”
Alexander Smith: “We are never happy; we can only remember that we were so once.”
John Stuart Mill: “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.”
G.K. Chesterton: “Happiness is a mystery, like religion, and should never be rationalised.”
Solon: “Let no man be called happy before his death. Till then, he is not happy, only lucky.”

StatCounter2

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Tips for pleasing in society, from 1774.

Lord Chesterfield, a British statesman and man of letters, was very preoccupied with worldly success. In his Letters, he bombards his son with advice about how to succeed in society.

Samuel Johnson remarked that these letters “teach the morals of a whore, and the manners of a dancing master.” Not exactly a rousing endorsement.

Nevertheless, I think Lord Chesterfield has some provocative insights. Here’s an assortment of his advice:

“Pleasing in company is the only way of being pleased in it yourself.”

“The very same thing may become either pleasing or offensive, by the manner of saying or doing it.”

“Even where you are sure, seem rather doubtful; represent, but do not pronounce, and if you would convince others, seem open to conviction yourself.”

“You will easily discover every man’s prevailing vanity, by observing his favourite topic of conversation; for every man talks most of what he has most a mind to be thought to excel in.”

“The sure way to excel in any thing, is only to have a close and undissipated attention while you are about it; and then you need not be half the time that otherwise you must…"

“Dress is a very foolish thing, and yet it is a very foolish thing for a man not to be well dressed.”

“Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well.”

I have to quibble with Chesterfield on that last observation. I’ve taken up the motto, “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” There’s merit to both approaches.

What started me thinking.

"Whoever is happy will make others happy, too." Mark Twain.
“There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Robert Louis Stevenson
"Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
“Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” Simone Weil
“What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” Colette
“It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” G. K. Chesterton
“A man’s first care should be to avoid the reproaches of his own heart.” Joseph Addison
“For the love of God and my Sisters (so charitable toward me) I take care to appear happy and especially to be so.” St. Therese
“Best is good. Better is best.” Lisa Grunwald
“All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.” Samuel Johnson
“I must do the work that I am best suited for…” Edward Weston daybook
“Order is Heaven’s first law.” Alexander Pope
“How slight and insignificant is the thing which casts down or restores a mind greedy for praise.” Horace

Comments

These are delightful tips and the writing so elegant. Thanks for sharing. Something I never would have found if not for you. k

Posted by: kstyle | January 10, 2007 at 12:13 PM

I stumbled upon your blog by accident a month or so ago and have found myself coming back to it at least a few times every week. You have become my favorite pick me up in the middle of a hectic work day. I love your writing and your thoughts -- both are so sophisticated, yet at the same time casual and comfortable. Thank you for the entertainment and the inspiration to challenge myself to find more 'happiness' in my own life.

Posted by: joce | January 13, 2007 at 07:44 PM

I'm gonna have to side with Johnson. Another reason why hell is other people.

Posted by: teejay | January 25, 2007 at 01:11 PM

This is the type of blog that I like to write and get people involve to create a better and happier world.

Posted by: kim | August 08, 2007 at 01:56 AM

Gretchen,
I am SO with you. Let's add tales of bad customer service, and harrowing flying experiences to the list of off-limits topics. The minute someone starts talking about what happened when the flight got grounded in Cleveland, I tune out. Don't they realize that if it was boring/annoying/frustrating to experience, it will likely be the same for a listener hearing it recounted?
--Marci

Posted by: Marci Alboher | October 25, 2007 at 08:52 AM

Hi Gretchen, thanks for the posting, always enlightening. Regarding the last advice you quoted from Chesterfield, it holds great inspiration . Any doable thing that we consider worth our time and effort, is also worth our best effort. In other words, being mediocre, contradicts a choice of doing anything we choose to do. Our own Choice is related to our willingness to do our best in an activity, but when we find ourselves getting by doing just the minimum we could do, I wonder if it was really our choice to engage in that activity or if we had to do it to survive, or to please others, or to try something and find out if we really like it and want to pursue it further.Personally, I take it to the next level and try to give greater meaning to my choices by being of service through my choices in the doings of everyday life, and I quote Tagore as my motto:
"I slept, and I dream t that life was joy,
I woke, and saw that life was service:
I acted, and behold, service was joy."

When we have a greater purpose, it is harder to be mediocre and not do our best. With a good measure of selflessness we can go a long way... into a better world.
Love,
Carmen

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