This Wednesday: Tips for pleasing in society.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Tips for pleasing in society, from 1774.

Lord Chesterfield, a British statesman and man of letters, was very preoccupied with worldly success. In his Letters, he bombards his son with advice about how to succeed in society.

Samuel Johnson remarked that these letters “teach the morals of a whore, and the manners of a dancing master.” Not exactly a rousing endorsement.

Nevertheless, I think Lord Chesterfield has some provocative insights. Here’s an assortment of his advice:

“Pleasing in company is the only way of being pleased in it yourself.”

“The very same thing may become either pleasing or offensive, by the manner of saying or doing it.”

“Even where you are sure, seem rather doubtful; represent, but do not pronounce, and if you would convince others, seem open to conviction yourself.”

“You will easily discover every man’s prevailing vanity, by observing his favourite topic of conversation; for every man talks most of what he has most a mind to be thought to excel in.”

“The sure way to excel in any thing, is only to have a close and undissipated attention while you are about it; and then you need not be half the time that otherwise you must…"

“Dress is a very foolish thing, and yet it is a very foolish thing for a man not to be well dressed.”

“Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well.”

I have to quibble with Chesterfield on that last observation. I’ve taken up the motto, “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” There’s merit to both approaches.

Comments

[kstyle]

These are delightful tips and the writing so elegant. Thanks for sharing. Something I never would have found if not for you. k

[joce]

I stumbled upon your blog by accident a month or so ago and have found myself coming back to it at least a few times every week. You have become my favorite pick me up in the middle of a hectic work day. I love your writing and your thoughts -- both are so sophisticated, yet at the same time casual and comfortable. Thank you for the entertainment and the inspiration to challenge myself to find more 'happiness' in my own life.

[teejay]

I'm gonna have to side with Johnson. Another reason why hell is other people.

[kim]

This is the type of blog that I like to write and get people involve to create a better and happier world.

[Marci Alboher]

Gretchen,
I am SO with you. Let's add tales of bad customer service, and harrowing flying experiences to the list of off-limits topics. The minute someone starts talking about what happened when the flight got grounded in Cleveland, I tune out. Don't they realize that if it was boring/annoying/frustrating to experience, it will likely be the same for a listener hearing it recounted?
--Marci

[Carmen Rojas Duran]

Hi Gretchen, thanks for the posting, always enlightening. Regarding the last advice you quoted from Chesterfield, it holds great inspiration . Any doable thing that we consider worth our time and effort, is also worth our best effort. In other words, being mediocre, contradicts a choice of doing anything we choose to do. Our own Choice is related to our willingness to do our best in an activity, but when we find ourselves getting by doing just the minimum we could do, I wonder if it was really our choice to engage in that activity or if we had to do it to survive, or to please others, or to try something and find out if we really like it and want to pursue it further.Personally, I take it to the next level and try to give greater meaning to my choices by being of service through my choices in the doings of everyday life, and I quote Tagore as my motto:
"I slept, and I dream t that life was joy,
I woke, and saw that life was service:
I acted, and behold, service was joy."

When we have a greater purpose, it is harder to be mediocre and not do our best. With a good measure of selflessness we can go a long way... into a better world.
Love,
Carmen

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[peledog]

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[dan orleans]

oh oh.. there is one thing i know to make life happy.. make it as simple as possible.. simple means dont complicate things that should not be complicated.. do you guys wonder why some poor people in asia can laugh and say they are happy? not because they have low satisfaction level but they dont complicate things... i see this attitude in white people, i mean caucasians.. even there are things that cant be done anymore they complain and say a lot... and so it affects their feelings. complains are only helpful if you do something about what you are talking. and how it is related to complication thing? once you make simple or easy things difficult it will start to complicate and you gona have 10 bullseye to hit instead of one...-dan

[jeff]

you're as boring as you look

[Mike Hunt]

The boss had to lay off either Emily or Jack today. The economy was impacting sales. He decided whomever was the first to use the water cooler this morning would be the one to go.
Emily, after a long night of partying, made her way to the water cooler to take an aspirin.
Her boss approached her and said , "I have to lay you or Jack off today."
Emily replie, "Go jack off, I've got a headache."

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[bailey]

hey dan orleans...go back to school (if you even went in the first place).

[Deejay]

In regards to "Staying the life of the party."
When conversation switches to, "This chick or dude banged (or slept with)." Oddly enough, it comes out of far too many peoples mouths. That is a one way street conversation.

[fuck]

Talk about fucking. That's all people care about anyway!
Face it, that's the truth!!!!!

[Mark]

I often hear woman on the bus talk about going into and through labor. Maybe women find it interesting but men do not. PLEASE!!
The things people say in public. It's like they think no one's around.

[Donnat]

My favorite quote from Lord Chesterfield is about sex:

"the position ridiculous, the pleasure momentary, the expense damnable"

[Mihai Beffa]

A suggested addition to your seven topics to avoid: better refrain yourself from telling others about your latest and greatest contribution to the Theory of Relativity, or similar.

[Joe]

“Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” How is that so?

[James C. L'Angelle]

Talk about the future...those who don't have one will be interested. Those who do have one will be interested.

[Allycalifornia]

Don't talk about your ailments or people you have argued with. B-O-R-I-N-G!!!

[Free spirit]

Thank you Gretchen for brining up the subjects like these! I think that happiness is a truly important topic for nowadays world, if one has found it, it's great that he/she can share it. Good luck!

[Mal Content]

"Anything worth doing is worth doing badly"

G K Chesterton?

[Brittany]

I think that finiding happiness is great and beautiful, but not impossible by any means. There is no need to try EVERTHING, just to see if it works or not. From both personal experience, and what I have learned and seen from every person I have ever talked to in the same boat, please consider this: Perhaps, if you want to be truely happy, you should consider trying to find a true relationship with Jesus. I'm not just talking about reading the Bible here. I mean, actually praying and asking Jesus to come into your heart and life, to clean you out, and to fill you back up with Himself. I have NEVER been as TRULY happy as when I finally gave my life over to His leading. I feel at peace and so joyful in who I am and what I do, because I learned to let Him mold me into the person He wanted when He dreamed of me. He made me to be someone special and unique to and for Him, and my truest, purest happiness is realizing who I am IN HIM, and then living it out! <3

[SamSeiko]

I couldn't agree more on this :D

“Dress is a very foolish thing, and yet it is a very foolish thing for a man not to be well dressed.”

I used to get it wrong now I know i have to dress well to present myself well to others.

[Marie]

Hey Bailey, Dan Orleans made some good points, even if his grammer isn't so great. So what? It's like throwing away the baby with the bathwater. Lighten up and enjoy the good in things rather than be so easy to criticize imperfection. None of us are perfect, right? It's ok not to be perfect. Trying so hard to be perfect is so often a way that we use to guard ourselves against feeling unworthy. Feeling unworthy is one of the most common maladies of our society. Learn how to believe in your own worthiness - it won't be about seeing how someone else is unworthy, and when you can feel worthy from your own insides, it won't be so hard to see how others are worthy--we all are actually ;) Thank you Dan Orleans for sharing your thoughts. (I'm a "white" gal myself and get what you're saying). I hope and with both you and bailey to have a happy day!