A refinement of my earth-shattering happiness formula.

Despite its simplicity, it took me a huge amount of thinking to come up with my revolutionary happiness formula: being happier requires you to thinking about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right. (Ok, I know the formula sounds a bit banal, but zoikes, it took me a lot of hard work to recognize this essential truth.)

In other words, to be happier, I need to boost my good feelings, put a stop to my bad feelings, and pursue my right feelings.

But I felt that some element was missing from this formula…something that described the process of being happy, the frame of mind, or the conditions…I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I wanted to account for the fact that people seem programmed constantly to be striving, to be stretching toward happiness. For example, studies show that people think that they will be slightly happier in the future than they are in the present. And research shows that a sense of purpose is very important to happiness. And why do happiness researchers report that children don’t make people happier, and yet parents insist that their children are a major source of joy?

I thought about William Hazlitt’s observation, “Indolence is a delightful but distressing state: we must be doing something to be happy,” and Bertrand Russell’s observation, “To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.” I agree, but my formula didn’t account for these observations.

I searched for the missing concept—was it striving? Advancement? Purpose? None of these words seemed right. My formula wasn’t complete.

Then a reader posted a quotation from William Butler Yeats. “Happiness,” wrote Yeats, “is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing.”

That word, "growing," snapped everything into place. Of course. Growth. Growth helps explain the happiness brought by children, by gardens, by pay raises, by stamp collections, by training for a marathon, or learning to use PhotoShop, or cooking your way through a Julia Childs cookbook.

My father was a great tennis player and played a lot when I was growing up. At some point, he started playing golf, and over time, gave up tennis. I asked him why. "My tennis game," he explained, "was gradually getting worse, but my golf game is gradually improving."

The hedonic treadmill means it’s easy to grow accustomed to some of the things that make you “feel good.” An atmosphere of growth offsets that. Anyway, many experiences that involve growth aren’t susceptible to adaptation at all.

So my new-and-improved formula for happiness is this: being happier requires you to thinking about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

The wording is clunky, but I think I’ve hit on something important.

To feel happy, it’s not enough to have fun with your friends, and not feel guilty about yelling all the time, and feel like you’re working in the right job; you also need to feel growth—a sense of learning, of betterment, of advancement, of contributing to the growth of others.

This is certainly true in the spiritual sense, and I do think that material growth is very satisfying, as well. As much as folks say that money can’t buy happiness, for example, it’s gratifying to have more money this year than you had last year. And it gives a boost to clear out your closets so that you open the doors to see neat shelves instead of an overflowing jumble.

For months, I’ve been thinking about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right. Now, with my new formula, I’m on the lookout for ways to incorporate more growth into my life: learning new skills, working on satisfying projects on which I can make progress, celebrating milestones, fostering the growth of others.

Today is the Little Girl’s second birthday, and on the way to school, the Big Girl and I reminisced about everything that happened on February 12, 2005. Talk about an atmosphere of growth—there’s nothing like having a baby and watching that baby change over the course of two years.

*
I was very excited to find the blog Mutual Improvement, by the creators of 43 Things, which seemed to have an uncanny overlap with the kind of things that I'm interested in. But unless I'm doing something wrong (entirely possible), it seems as though the blog hasn't been updated in a couple of months...hmmm. But the archives are still new to me, so plenty to explore.

And as a sidenote, I see that according to a Mutual Improvement post, 43 Things reports that the #2 (!!!) goal listed by people was "Drink more water." From what I read, the current research holds that you don't really need to drink water all the time. The eight-glasses-a-day thing is a myth. So time to move on to goal #3...

Comments

[Chris Yeh]

Edward Deci has previously written that the three key intrinsic motivations that help us be happy are good relationships with those we care about, being connected to a larger community, and a sense of personal growth.

These motivations help people be happier, as opposed to the extrinsic motivations (wealth, fame, good looks), which, as it turn out, don't make one happy even if one achieves them.

[Sharyn]

I believe the concept of growth relating to happiness is rooted in how we can't live without hope. Growth keeps hope alive,and hope is where a desire to grow comes from.

[Dan]

Eek! Not 43 Folders, 43 Things!

[James Strock]

Gretchen: how about: feeling good, feeling bad, feeling right--and always growing.

[Daniel R. Sweet]

How about:

Happiness requires the feeling that we're doing more to make ourselves better, doing less to make ourselves worse, and feeling right about where we are right now.

Dan

[Leo]

Nice post, Gretchen. I like the idea about growth.

And thanks for the link to Mutual Improvement. You might also be interested in my blog Zen Habits as it's also about achieving goals and personal improvement:

http://zenhabits.blogspot.com

[rubicon]

The Little Girl and I share the same birthday, yaay!

[Belle]

Happiness - I have a little mantra that comes in handy sometimes. "It's an inside job."

Now that I think about it, it applies to growth, too!

[shuchetana]

Maybe growth is a subset of feeling right?
It's a very good idea that it's linked to happiness.

[Dude]

Admiral attempt to overcome your own limitations. Just be happy realising you can't control it all and that we're meaning creating beings. namaste

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yipes! 43 THINGS is corrected now, thanks!

I just briefly checked out the blog Zen Habits--can't wait to get back there this afternoon when I have time to poke around, looks fantastic.

Thanks for the recastings of the formula. I'm going to keep tinkering, this is a huge boost to get me started.

[lonelybird]

i wonder why they stopped at having 43 things as opposed to 45!?! dyu know? why they settled for less than more?!? matter of happiness? ;)

[Kevin]

Good site, I read it everyday, found it by searching Therese of Lisieux

[Thijs]

I definately agree on the word growth being central in the pursuit of hapiness! I might even say that growth = hapiness..
You more then once mentioned that working on hapiness does not always make you happy (the feeling right part), this is the part where you do grow.

[Alex Fayle]

I think this idea of growth goes back to the poll you mentioned a while ago about people's awareness of happiness.

I'd argue that most people who say that they are happy are merely comfortable, the big difference being that comfortable people aren't interested in growth, so therefore are not ACTIVELY happy.

[beth]

hi there. Here are some ideas I have come to realise about happiness...

What if you discovered that happiness is both a state (of being and mind), as well as a choice?
Believe it or not, we can choose to be happy.
The Dalai Lama talks of it in his wonderful book, The Art of Happiness.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Happiness-Handbook-Living/dp/0340750154/sr=8-1/qid=1171794256/ref=pd_ka_1/203-3634280-8712741?ie=UTF8&s=books

Remember: there is always going to be times when it is not possible or authentic to be happy.

So, how can one choose to be happy? Here are a few ideas to consider...

1. Be grateful for what you have (write a list in your gratitude diary)
2. Realise that this too will pass
3. Gain perspective on the bigger picture - why get caught up in something transient when you will be here, in this spirit form, for milenia either past, present or future? This moment is really a drop in the ocean
4. You have been given life, which is a great blessing. As long as you are breathing, you have a choice. Not about what happens to you so much as how you react to it and what you do with your current circumstances
5. Don't put yourself under pressure to be something or someone you are not
6. Pray for peace and see how little time it takes for that warmth to wash over you. Archangel Michael is a good one for happiness
7. Recognise that what others do or so to you does not have to effect how you feel. It may do, it can do and it often does, but it doesn't have to
8. Listen to a beautiful piece of music, sing a song you enjoy, paint or draw, write a poem, go outside for a walk, wonder at a piece of art, look at old photos you enjoy, make some hearty soup, take a long bath, watch an inspiring film, read an inspiring book... self nurture provides a playground for happiness to blossom.

So, to your happiness and those of all beings.

Love Beth xx

[Ankesh Kothari]

Thanks for a cool blog Gretchen.

More than "growth", I think "flow" is important. Flow is what brings happiness.

That is why - musicians won't mind - and will actually enjoy - playing the same song again and again for different audiences.

(Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has done some research on flow and happiness and has also written a book on it that you might be interested in.)

[alina]

Please, read your Bible (Old Testament or New Testament or Both) if you want to be truly happy. "Love God with all your heart" is going to make you happy in times of trouble, sickness and of course health.
It's sad to me that your last commandment is There is only love when it should really be the first (if one has to have other commandments besides God's). You haven't found the means to make you truly happy and that is God.
alina

[Debbie Nance]

This summer, I'm working on 23 Things. I'm learning to use Web 2.0. I'm up to #12, writing comments. It's the most difficult so far.

[Joseph Raglione]

Hi kids!
I've discovered that happiness is a state of mind that can be created with practice. There is scientific evidence to prove this fact.
They took a Buddhist Monk and placed him inside a brain scan machine where they proceeded to measure his brain waves, and his ability to control his feelings, especially his feelings of happiness. Sure enough, the Monk proved he could control his feelings by utilizing his prodigious and well trained will power. In other words, learn to make yourself happy by concentrating on happy thoughts. The book Pollyanna was a great example of that concept.
I'm not a Pollyanna personality but I do whistle old 1950's songs all day long unless sombody stops me. Grin!
Signed: Joseph Raglione
Executive director, the world humanitarian peace and ecology movement.

[Ernesto P]

Good post Beth. I heard something from Tony Robbins on the subject of happiness that I liked . Basically he stated that happines is a choice. We decide how we think, how we look at life, and therefore how we feel. I tried out his advice and it works for me. If I feel down I can easily feel upbeat if I choose to simply by thinking it. Try this: smile. Then think "cool" (or something that reminds you that life is a wonderful mystery and that you are a miracle of the universe, since that is what you are. There isn't, has never been, nor ever will be another person just like you. Therefore you = unique miracle). So happiness is not "out there". It doesn't need to be "looked for" or "pursued" (as per the US Constitution). It's already in us right now. We just need to choose to let it out. For example, if I get fired from my job I can get upset about it or focus on the opportunities ahead. If I get sick I can focus on the free time I now have to indulge in things I normally would overlook. The example Robbins used was one where he had been stuck in traffic with his young son. He was fuming about the traffic but because he was stuck with his son in the car they ended up having a wonderful conversation. The whole experience changed because of a change in point of view. So, my recommendation is, if you are feeling blue, change your point of view and choose to be happy. It's that easy.

A side note: I make a distinction between happiness and joy. Happiness is temporary and superficial, joy is deeper, long lasting, and what I think is the more important one of the two. Happiness is about laughing and excitement. Joy is about fulfillment and satisfaction. Joy has room for pain and sadness as they help joy be stronger and deeper, more honest. In the happiness model pain and sadness are bad feelings. Not so in the joy model.

And a final comment: Western culture is obsessed with progress and growth. Always moving and doing. Work work work. Personal value is tied to achievement. And by extension then so is happiness. This is one culture's view of life. It is neither good nor bad. There are other ways of living life. If you are not satisfied with what your culture offers I suggest you explore other cultures and glean from them things you may find meaningful to yourself. Create your own unique worldview by juxtaposing knowledge from around the world. For example, having lots of material possessions is not necessarily important for some people. For example, do you really want to work at a job you do not love in order to make money to pay for a car of the year? Why not work at what you love and buy a used car? Choose what you want your life to be like and act accordingly so that your dreams are not abandoned to pursue things that lead you away from what satisfies you. And remember that it's ok to be still. We don't need to be running around being busy all the time in order to prove we are alive. We ARE alive, and that is all you need to know to feel worthy of respect and appreciation.

[Jeannie Tucker]

I just lost a dear friend who was like a grandfather to me. He died of kidney disease and throughout his dying he continued to be happy. If it wasn't happy to live then it was happy to die. He was ok with what God had designed for him and made the best of each day. The hospice nurse saw him declining when she came to visit one morning yet he was smiling, laughing and full of humor. She said "You aren't a complainer are you?" He said "What good would it do?" Indeed, what good...
He showed me that you could find happiness and create a smile in most any situation in life if you tried. He brought joy and pure love to my life and a better understanding of day to day happiness. Thank-you Tony!

[Adam]

Clunky? Indeed. Happiness is not a slogan, but guidelines for pursuing it should surely strive to be memorable and poetic.

Any sentence that begins "To be happy, you need to think about..." is falling into an anthropomorphic trap. Humans are not the only beings that can be happy.

Happiness is not about thinking, it is about feeling. Flow and Grow.

[Leslie Lovett]

Your principle "being happier requires you to thinking about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right" is simple and elegant and most likely to "stick" with me. Thank you!

[Heartfelt]

I have been reading you posts with interest, for I have been looking at happiness research on and off for many years. This one really feels like a breakthrough to me. One of the research definitions of happiness is "making progress towards a goal" and your notion of growth pulls this into focus for me.

"Growth" can include an increase of space as opposed to an increase of things (for those who feel suffocated by too much stuff). If we feel that we are making progress and growing forward in whatever arena (of mind, heart, body or spirit) that is our focus, we will, no doubt, feel happier.

One of your commenters suggested smiling and thinking "cool" and remembering something we thought was cool and wondrous. I was surprised at how well that worked for me to bring about a momentary state of happiness. Research has shown that our memories are "tagged" with an emotion and that our current emotional state brings up all the memories with the same emotional tag. The smile cues and word "cool" may work to cue the memories tagged with feelings related to happiness... time to investigate the relation to happiness of the "wondrous"?

I would love to hear more about that :)