Does feeling more attractive make you happier?

On Friday, I had lunch with a friend. We started talking about happiness, and she leaned forward and confided, “I’ve started to do something that’s making me happy, but I hate to admit what it is.”

“What?” I asked.

“Well,” she paused, “I get my hair blown out twice a week.”

“Really? You do?” As straight-haired person, the blowing-out process is a bit of a mystery to me.

“I know,” she said in a rush, “it’s a tremendous extravagance, and it’s a silly thing, but it really does make me happier.” She thinks she looks better, and more professional, and is less preoccupied with whether she’s having a “bad hair day.”

“If it’s really making you feel happier, week after week, then it’s a good deal,” I said. “Better than spending your money on something like a pair of lamps—which you’d probably take for granted after two days and never notice again.”

Her comment started me thinking. People are willing to admit that their happiness depends on having friends, feeling close to their family, being satisfied with their work, etc…

But I think there are other elements to happiness as well—elements that we might not want to admit.

And one of those things is feeling attractive.

Now, attractiveness is one of the puzzles that led me to the formulation of my ground-breaking happiness formula: feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right.

Here’s the puzzle:
Positive psychologists report that physical attractiveness doesn’t seem to make much of a difference in people’s happiness.

And yet pretty people do have an objective advantage. Studies show that attractive folks (women and men) are treated better and viewed more positively. They’re more likely to be hired, earn more money, have better grades, have more polished social skills, and even commit fewer crimes. Other people are more likely to help them.

So why aren’t they happier? Presumably, attractive people are adapted to their attractiveness, so it doesn’t give them a happiness boost to enjoy this advantage—and unattractive people are adapted to their looks as well.

But I don’t buy the conclusion that, in the end, attractiveness just doesn’t matter to happiness. Here’s my view:

If you’re good-looking, it’s easy for take that for granted, but if you don’t like the way you look, it can be a real downer.

If there’s something in your appearance looks that you really don’t like, it can make you “feel bad” or not “feel right.” You feel bad when you try to zip up your jeans. Or you feel that you just don’t look like yourself, now that you have huge permanent frown between your eyebrows, no matter how cheery you feel. Most people think they have inner beauty and want their appearance to reflect that.

So if you can fix something you don’t like (say, by having your curly hair blown out), you feel happier.

In fact, studies show that, on average, people who have plastic surgery report high levels of satisfaction with their procedures—and also report boosts in the qualities of their lives years after the operation.

Now, you might say, inner beauty is what matters, and you’re as beautiful as you feel. True. But for most of us, it’s easier to feel more beautiful when we look better. And as much as we might wish appearance didn’t matter, it does, and for most people, I think it does affect their happiness. No matter what a study says.

*
A terrific book on the science of beauty (in the sense of personal attractiveness) is Nancy Etcoff’s Survival of the Prettiest. I read it as part of my research for Power Money Fame Sex, and checked it out of the library again over the weekend when I started pondering my friend’s comment. Fascinating.
*
Okay, another recommendation. A reader posted a link to The Onion's "U.S. Unenjoyment Rate at an All-Time High." Hilarious and makes a point, too. The scientific term for what they're calling "enterflation" is "hedonic adaptation." That's why The Onion is funnier than a psych textbook.

Comments

[adora]

I'm sad to report that I have a beard. Painful to remove, but I'm usually a lot happier the following week.

I also think that happy people tend to spend more effort making themselves pretty/feel good. Chicken or egg first?

[Alex Fayle]

I can't think of a single person I know who does not feel happier when they snazz themselves up a bit.

It's external validation - we see someone all gussied up and comment, so they feel better.

And when it comes down to it, we're vain conformists. We want to look good based on whatever our (sub)culture has determined looks good.

For example, I would never have worn aviator glasses - way too 80s, but then when I grew my hair out and so many people were wearing large glasses, I started wearing aviator sunglasses and got lots of compliments.

External validation and vanity = feeling good. ;-)

[GreatFace]

I always feel like a rock star when I've had my eyebrows done.

[Christy]

For me, it's a manicure. I keep my nails short but there's nothing like red polish to make me feel attractive and more productive. Doesn't everyone type faster with painted nails?

[sariah]

Well, I think that are a few people who admit this. I believe the society tell us that we need to feel good if we are pretty or not. But who likes to feel ugly? When you wake up and you think you're looking pretty, don't you smile?

[Cara]

I think making yourself look good definitely improves happiness! I've spent many years looking schlumpy (and worrying about the impression I was making while at the same time trying to justify my self-neglect by telling myself appearances were shallow anyway). Bah, enough of that! Apperances DO matter, even if you're your only audience. When I dressed like a bag lady, I sure as heck wasn't the nicest person to be around because I was so self-conscious of looking sloppy! After I started putting in more effort into my appearance and grooming, I no longer felt self-conscious. It freed my mind so that I could focus on other things and other people. So yes, looks matter, but in deeper ways than we're often led to believe. Besides, if seeing beauty makes others happy, why not be the source of that beauty?

A great resource: "Brenda's Wardrobe Companion: A Guide to Getting Dressed From the Inside Out" by Brenda Kinsel. Once you read it, you won't see appearances as being shallow again (at least I didn't).

[Stormy]

I think feeling attractive makes you happy. Maybe those studies that couldn't find a correlation between attractiveness and happiness didn't ask whether the people felt attractive.

I know that working out in the morning makes me feel like I'm working on being healthier and more attractive (like fitting into those jeans!) and that makes me happier all day long.

[Christine]

While in college, I worked as a receptionist in an upscale salon. One woman came in twice a week for a shampoo and style. She said it was cheaper than therapy and made her feel wonderful.

[shuchetana]

Being attractive really does make you happier. And it is all about "feeling right"; being unattractive makes you "feel wrong", since when you see an ugly person in the mirror, you know that you're not living up to your potential.
My personal experience: there was a point in my life when I was (by my standards) quite ugly. I'd hate the people didnt give me the appreciation that they gave to the pretty people. I hated looking like a loser.
I think, it's not exactly about how you look, but how you feel about looking that way.
As a side note, I've finally found a great everyday-wear lipstick! I am so, so happy about that :)

[Sandra]

I find it a curse. Being attractive makes you a target.

[shawn]

Hi Gretchen,
I think he most important thing in gaining happiness is simply attitude. It is how a person thinks about being ugly or good looking that is important. I know very attractive women who hate the attention it brings and therefore hide. I know homely women who's joy in life makes them quite appealing as people. I actually believe that a person can will themselves to be happy or unhappy just by thinking alone. The shallow person misses this. The searcher will eventually find this out. I've been both ugly and good looking in my life and this is what I have personally found.

Thanks,
Shawn B.

[shawn]

Hi Gretchen,
I think he most important thing in gaining happiness is simply attitude. It is how a person thinks about being ugly or good looking that is important. I know very attractive women who hate the attention it brings and therefore hide. I know homely women who's joy in life makes them quite appealing as people. I actually believe that a person can will themselves to be happy or unhappy just by thinking alone. The shallow person misses this. The searcher will eventually find this out. I've been both ugly and good looking in my life and this is what I have personally found.

Thanks,
Shawn B.

[Rachel]

I definitely agree that feeling attractive--or at least well groomed--increases my own happiness. When my hair is freshly trimmed or my hands manicured, I notice that I have a little spring in my step. I imagine, though, that if I had my hair or nails done very frequently, hedonic adaptation would kick in and I would no longer get that bounce.

[Mary Watson]

Dear Gretchen, the best book I have read on this subject is Naomi Wolf's The Beauty Myth. Though written before Nancy Etcoff's study, Wolf debunks many of the notions Etcoff introduces as "new" findings resulting from "scientific" research. For example, the idea that beauty standards have been the same throughout the ages is just wrong. If that's the case, why were plump women considered beautiful during the Renaissance, when they are seen as less attractive today? When Shakespeare wrote Antony and Cleopatra, a long nose and high forehead (attributed to Cleopatra) were considered beautiful. Certainly not the case today. Another of Etcoff's bold claims is that attractiveness matters equally for both men and women. Absolute rubbish! Women have always, always been judged by their appearance much more than men. Why are older men considered attractive when older women are less so? It's not because they look better, but because their power and achievements matter more than their appearance.
While feeling attractive in the sense of put-together may make us feel momentarily happy, the preoccupation with beauty, whether one has it or not, is a long-term source of unhappiness. As an adolescent I was "ugly" and self-dissatisfied, and decided to change my appearance in order to feel better. But as soon as I fixed one flaw, I fixated on another. Despite a great deal of external validation, I continued to feel unhappy about my appearance. I later realized that it was not looking "pretty" or "ugly" that affected my happiness but the idea that these things matter so much. When someone compliments my appearance, I feel that he or she is not complimenting ME, but any insult to my looks, real or perceived, seems to shake the very core of my being. There's no way to win in a beauty-obsessed world. I've finally decided that I must simply reject the preeminence of beauty. Part of "being Gretchen" for me is realizing that what I value most is equality, the notion that we all deserve to be treated with respect no matter who we are or what we look like. My happiness comes from holding on to this ideal despite the fact that the entire world seems to reject it. Even if no-one else acknowledges the intrinsic worth of human beings, independent of money, fame, power, or sex, knowing that I am in my small way taking a stand for this principle gives me a profound sense of satisfaction that looking "pretty" never can.