Happiness and the importance of accepting other people's feelings.

One of the most important lessons of the Happiness Project – and something that’s very hard for me to put into practice – is that I need to acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings. This is true for adults, children, employees, students, random strangers on the street.

It sounds very touchy-feely, but it’s a fact about human nature that’s true in even the most hardboiled contexts. And it sounds easy to do, but I, for one, find it tough.

Once I started paying attention, I realized how often I automatically dismiss other people’s feelings. “You always have fun when we go.” “You should be thrilled, this is great news.” “It won’t be that much work.”

For example, in hindsight, I realize how I could have done a better job this weekend with the Big Girl. We went out shoe-shopping for the Little Girl, and the Big Girl said, “If we get something for her, we have to get something for me.”

“No,” I said, “today is just for her.”

“But that’s no fair! And it’s boring to shop for her when I’m not getting anything!”

Instead of acknowledging what she was saying, I made logical arguments, the highlight of which was a lengthy and tiresome discussion of the concept of “fairness,” and we bickered for several blocks.

Instead, I should have said, “You get bored shopping for your sister. You wish we were shopping for something for you,” and left it at that. Why deny her feelings? It is boring to shop for shoes for a two-year-old.

I’ve found, too, that when other people deny or ignore my feelings, I tend to keep repeating myself (i.e., whining), because I don’t feel heard.

So, for example, the Big Man doesn’t want to talk about my annoying encounter with the cable guy, and I don’t even particularly feel like talking about it, but until I get my “Wow, that must have been so annoying,” I can’t let it go.

*
The Happiness Project is all about the problems of “ordinary happiness.” But I just discovered a brand-new blog, Finding Your Marbles, that’s aimed at people battling anxiety, depression, bi-polar disorder, etc. If you’re looking for information that deals with these kinds of topics, it’s going to be a good resource.

Comments

[Erik Lundmark]

I too am trying to "reach out" and understand the feelings of those around me, in order to come one step closer to my ultimate goal; buddhist (well, my idea of buddhism anyway).
But what I've found, is that this very thing you mention, is one of the most important things; and I'd say is the Key to inner happiness.
Plus, only when one feels truely happy within, can he help Others.

[Helen]

Have you read your Sept 27 post about defusing a child's tantrum? You gave such great advice then too...
Have you decided on a name for your book yet? The Practically Perfect posting got me wondering what you came up with in the end.

[Christy]

Thanks for the link to Finding Your Marbles. I am really looking forward to reading it.

[Michelle I]

I feel like inviting you guys over for a playdate! Your wisdom and thoughts often stay with me when I'm trying not to become exasperated when my kids whine or interrupt me.
Having read your prior posting on how to validate my kids feelings, I actually employed that exact technique yesterday. We were on our way to the Y so I could drop kids in childcare and get in a workout. My 3 yr old son was very clear that he did NOT want to go and as I stood there trying to rationalize with him, I just realized he needed to be heard. I said, "You really don't want to go play at the gym?" He said "No." So, I caved and we got back in the car even though my 21mos old was now the one crying.
I calmly explained that I heard him and understood that he didn't want to go to the gym today but that he WOULD be expected to go back another time. When we got home, we piled out of the car, played with bubbles outside for 45 minutes and had a blast running around. Way better than a workout and certainly better than trying to make a huge scene at the Y.
Motherhood is providing me with very valuable lessons in picking my battles, learning patience and staying creative!!!! Gold star to you for helping those of us on a similar journey as yours!

[Paula G]

I think you hit the nail on the head with this sentence: "I’ve found, too, that when other people deny or ignore my feelings, I tend to keep repeating myself (i.e., whining), because I don’t feel heard."

I agree with you -- if I don't feel heard I can sound like broken record until someone acknowledges it. One thing I've found that helps is to make sure that I am acknowledging my own feelings - not judging, not comparing, not making myself wrong - simply acknowledging and being with what I'm feeling. After all, if we don't take the time to "hear" our own self - how can we expect someone else to hear us?

[Gretchen Rubin]

The title of "Practically Perfect In Every Way" comes from Mary Poppins, who is very, very vain.

Aack, I still haven't found the perfect subtitle. The Happiness Project: ????. I'm toying with The Happiness Project: The Diary of the Year I Spent Chasing Happiness. Can't decide whether the word "diary" sounds enticing or tedious. Other thoughts-- A Chronicle of a Year Spent in the Pursuit of Happiness.
Lessons Learned from a Year Spent in the Pursuit of Happiness. What I Learned During My Year-Long Quest to be Happier
Other thoughts or suggestions?

Michelle I -- I loved your story, and it reminds me of the incredible usefulness of BUBBLES as a parenting tool. They never fail.

[Michelle I]

I personally love the title: The Happiness Project and don't think you need to look any further. It kind of says it all for me.
What a gold star day! Since becoming a regular on this blog, I consider it my own good deed to "comment" and it brings me ridiculus joy to see a reply to my comments. (I'm a simpleton) Very fun and I promise that I'm not a stalker, only a fan.
A question actually, for you... My greatest quest at this time is for meaningful friendships with others. I haven't seem much about this in your Happiness Project. I'm in need of some inspiration in this area. I'd love it if you could touch on this in future.

[Nneka]

I tend to minimize the importance of my own feelings, and, as a result I minimize other people's feelings. At the same time, I have a big issue with being heard. Just this weekend I was raving that someone finally echoed what I was thinking and another person in the group said, "Why do you always feel like you're not heard?" I didn't think anyone noticed!

BTW, I like The Happiness Project: Lessons from a Year Spent Pursuing Happiness.

In Spirit,
Nneka

[Howard Coates]

Looking at your description at the top of the page, and one of the posts, it seems that the answer is in the phrase 'being happier'. Maybe the answer is to just be, what if just being, like an animal or a tree is happiness? To not allow our brains to be tricked into trying to make every thing happen, when we should be just allowing it to happen. It seems that if we aren't using our brains for really useful things like gathering food or providing shelter, the brain tends to run off creating hypothetical senarios that in turn lead to the absurb state known as worry. "The sun is always shining, we have to stop putting clouds in it's way" happiness is our natural state, that's why the other emotions cause pain. I assume that being perfect beings our emotions are supposed to serve a real purpose, when you feel good you are heading towards your goal, and when you feel bad you are off track. The emotional pain hurts far more than any physical pain, yet we dismiss it. we should all just let go and feel our ways through life, and not let the accountant organize the party.
You certainly made me think.
thanks
Howard

[Mary]

Have you thought of shortening the title to get what you're looking for? How about:

The Happiness Project: Chasing Happiness