In which I struggle with the frustration of being interrupted.

My inexplicable yet inexhaustible fascination with St. Thérèse of Lisieux continues unabated, so last night I was reading My Sister, St. Thérèse, by Thérèse’s older sister Celine, a/k/a Sister Geneviève of the Holy Face.

Some background: in 1888, age 16, Thérèse entered an enclosed convent; there she joined twenty-some other nuns—three of whom were her biological sisters. She died from tuberculosis at age 24.

Despite the circumstances of her life—quite unlike the circumstances of most people, obviously—I find St. Thérèse’s work enthralling on the subject of happiness.

For example, I just re-read her discussion of how she handled the frustration of being interrupted.

People who work in an office, or who have small children, or who even walk outside their own homes, are familiar with this common, maddening irritation.

It’s so hard for me to maintain patience and good-humor when I’m interrupted while reading or working, especially in a rare moment when I’m managing to be productive. How do I react?...well, "snarling" is probably the most accurate single word to describe my response.

Thérèse suffered from interruptions, too. In Story of a Soul, she describes how, as she was trying to write her spiritual memoir, and weak from tuberculosis, the other nuns would constantly interrupt her with conversation. And they would do this under the impression that their talk was a pleasant diversion for her!

To keep from being irritated, she explains—and this is the phrase from St. Thérèse that I think about most often—“For the love of God and my Sisters (so charitable toward me) I take care to appear happy and especially to be so.”

So how to be happy while being interrupted?

I’m trying to be more mindful of my circumstances, so I don’t have unrealistic expectations. It’s just not possible for me to concentrate on the newspaper while the Big Girl and the Little Girl are eating breakfast—so I shouldn’t be annoyed when I can’t manage it.

I’m also making more of an effort to be pleasant and receptive when I am interrupted. So often, it seems like when the Big Man wants to talk, I want to read, and when I want to talk, he wants to read.

Marriage studies show that the more you respond to your spouse’s bids for attention, the stronger your marriage will be. To be attentive and playful is best; to be preoccupied, critical, or sarcastic is hurtful. But one person’s “You’re preoccupied” is another person’s “You keep interrupting me.”

But murmuring “Mm, hmmm, mm, hmmm…” with my eyes glued to the page isn’t a way to foster intimacy and affection. My resolution is to “Put down my book—cheerfully.”

*
Asha Dornfest of the terrific site Parent Hacks sent me a link to a fascinating post by Mark McGuinness on “Five reasons why enthusiasm is better than confidence.” He absolutely convinced me.

As part of my “Try Hypnosis” month, I keep sticky notes emblazoned with key words posted around my apartment; I just changed the note in my office from “Confident and creative” to “Enthusiastic and creative.” This shift in vocabulary is a good example of how re-framing your thinking can make a big difference in your frame of mind.

Comments

[Alex Fayle]

When I would work with my organizing clients, I would never use the word "purge." Instead I'd use "streamlining."

If you purge, it implies a binge, and also when you purge you get rid of good things too.

When you streamline (taken from the late Art Deco fashion), you strip away unnecessary ornament creating a sleek beautiful version of yourself and your surroundings.

I'd rather be streamlined than purged any day.

[Michelle I]

I particularly embrace this idea of accepting interruptions. It is easily one of my hot buttons.
I've noticed that it helps if I shift my thinking and see it through the eyes of the other person. Particularly with my children, I try asking myself "How can I make them feel loved and cherished if I am cold/snarly in my response?"
They are simply trying to engage me in their world. I can't expect them to continue doing so if I make them feel as if they are interrupting me. It is hard to always remember, but an important lesson.

[sharyn]

This is so timely to me! I gave a good bit of thought just recently to confidence and enthusiasm. While confidence is nice, to me it often seems to mean a state of mind where you've "arrived" and enthusiasm is more like a fuel - a form of energy - that gets you to new places. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but I don't know how else to put it.
I'd take enthusiasm any day. When I do really want to feel "confident", though, I like to remember to partner it with "humble", because I really admire humility and I have too often seen confidence come without it.

[MassDreamsLaura]

It's so funny how sometimes you will read things and the timing of it is so perfect that you feel like something led you to check out a certain site or blog that day. I am definitely guilty of sometimes giving the "mm hmm" response while doing another task and "listening" to my husband at the same time. His latest thing is saying that he will try to get negative attention if I won't give him any other kind (who needs children :) ). Hearing that fact about the marriage studies was a nice reminder that no matter how busy I feel my day is and how many things I need to squeeze into my precious few hours at home, my marriage and husband should take precedence. The dishes can always wait and the pet can get fed in 20 minutes. Attentiveness should be a priority.

[thodarumm]

Wow! You hit the nail right on the head. Last week, I was exasperated and shouted, "Why do I even bother telling you anything. You don't pay any attention".

And the reply, "You don't either".

And I knew instanly that it is true. I am trying to change that.. I have to listen too.

[Aswad]

I found your blog from Lifehacker, I am learning a lot reading you. Very excellent.

[LilithSativa]

Wow ~ I stumbled upon your blog and must say I am glad I did. I like your writing I like what you have to say. I appreciate you saying it. Sometimes it seems we need people out there, much like yourself, sharing this line of thought. This is so others, which would be me, can benefit by taking a moment looking at themselves and going.... "oooohhhhhh kaaayyyy, I get it, that is definately something I should take to heart!!!"

[Jim]

Emotions are a funny things and it's of great value to recognize the emotion that is bubbling up when one is, say, interrupted. Sometimes that emotion may be reasonable, and sometimes not. The important thing in my experience is to hijack the emotion before it is expressed, make a rapid judgement on its validity (and this comes with practice) and pitch the response accordingly. The response can then be applied constructively whichever way it is required, and sometimes this requires a negative reaction. My personal contentment comes from knowing that I have treated the other person with due respect and not left them at the mercy of my uncontrolled emotions.