Tips for how NOT to be happy.

One big revelation I've had about the nature of happiness is that some people simply don't want to be happy.

There are many reasons: you want to control other people, you want the satisfaction of being pitied or self-pity or both; you want special attention; you want to take the pressure off yourself, because you can't be expected to achieve much when you're so unhappy.

Oddly, too, you might associate unhappiness with depth of soul or intellect, and so pride yourself on unhappiness as a sign of inner worth.

Plus, for many people, it's less work to be unhappy than to be happy.

If you don't want to be happy, what qualities might you cultivate? Consider these:

-- Hone your powers of discernment so that practically nothing can meet your standards, and be sure to tell everyone else how the food, performance, or service fell short.

-- Stay alone as much as you can. Avoid seeing other people. Cancel plans frequently, don't answer your phone, tell people things like, "I hate parties," "I detest crowds," etc.

-- When someone bugs you -- whether it's a stranger talking loudly on a cell phone or a relative repeating the same maddeningly stupid jokes year after year -- tell as many people about it as possible. You may even need to see a therapist twice a week to talk about your grievances sufficiently.

-- Avoid any physical effort. Drive everywhere, and when at home, get off the sofa as little as possible.

-- Cultivate habits that keep you feeling stretched and overwhelmed. If you're short on cash, overcharge on your credit card. If you're busy at work, stay up late cruising the Internet or flipping among cable channels. If you don't have enough time to yourself, make complex plans that will take lots of time and errands to manage -- say, plan an elaborate birthday party for a two-year-old.

Comments

[Scott Young]

Gretchen,

The problem with happiness is it is so elusive to define. Everyone believes the concept is intuitive, but different people have different definitions of happiness.

Maybe the person who acts unhappy to get the attention of others feels happy from the pity s/he gets?

Everybody defines happiness differently and it means different things to different people. Even your breakdown into feeling good, not feeling bad and feeling right is still incredibly subjective. I really enjoy your blog, but it's hard to put your finger on what exactly constitutes happiness.

[Michael Rutherford]

-- Avoid any physical effort. Drive everywhere, and when at home, get off the sofa as little as possible.

I my practice I find this to certainly be the case. People who come to me with a short or long term history of inactivity are not only wrecked physically but mentally and emotionally.

Medical experts are quick to prescribe a number of medicines or counseling alternatives and often overlook the most simplest of treatments- Movement!

[Barclay]

I would add, "Be stubborn." This one is my personal bugbear lately. I get an idea into my head about how I will be happy and I can't shift gears or open my mind to alternative pathways. I struggled all day today with my project manager over taking some time off in April, because I was insistent that the days be consecutive, and she can't spare me for many days in a row. I need the time to do things like paint rooms in my new house, and pack to move, so it's not like I am going on a trip and the days must be all together. But I couldn't let go of my internal demand, and as a result I've been relatively unhappy over this. Fortunately you can start the day over any time, as soon as you wake up to self-defeating behavior, and it's not too late for me to rescue the rest of my day.

[David Zinger]

Gretchen,

You have a good start at writing a manifesto for the unhappy. Lots of grumpy old tips for the frown clowns. Maybe you should publish this at changethis.com so more people know how not to make their days.

Well done.

David

[ozma]

One reason I read your website is that I genuinely wonder whether happiness is possible for certain people. I know a number of unhappy people and I think saying they don't want to be happy is far too simple. Your list also doesn't reflect how difficult it is for certain people to do these things you recommend--or for those things to make certain people happy. I used to know an extraordinarily unhappy woman who was literally always at the gym. In fact, yoga classes or other life-affirming activities seem to attract the unhappy. Unhappy people often gravitate to such things since they are the ones who are trying desperately to be happier, who are in need.

I've met a number of happy people who spend a significant amount of time on the couch.

I wish it were so simple. I've come to doubt that it is. I wonder why we need to believe that happiness would result from some sort of lifestyle change. Maybe it is too frightening to think about the alternative.

[T]

Perhaps these behaviors are symptoms of unhappiness, and not merely the habits of unhappy people. People with mental illness certainly could exhibit these qualities. Is it really as simple as having enough self discipline and resolve to choose happiness?

[T]

Perhaps these behaviors are symptoms of unhappiness, and not merely the habits of unhappy people. People with mental illness certainly could exhibit these qualities. Is it really as simple as having enough self discipline and resolve to choose happiness?

[B]

You are probably too much of a narcissist to care, but I think that this this kind of a self-rightous, judgemental, know-it-all attitude is destructive and hurtful. When I read this I see a rant that basically boils down to the sentiment, I'm happy, and it's not so hard, why can't YOU be happy, too? THEN you go a step beyond that and basically imply that people who are NOT happy have committed some kind of moral failure related to their laziness, self-indulgence, and introversion. This is just ignorant. You don't know what causes people to behave and feel the way that they do.

If you want to understand what makes people happy, why don't you spend less time thinking of good uses for Ziploc bags and start reading a little more of the peer-reviewed scientific literature on the subject of happiness? A lot of work has been done by people who actually have some authority on this subject and much of it is grounded in a long history of scientific investigation into the way people think, feel, and behave that is known as the discipline of psychology.

[Kimberly]

I agree with you, B. Gretchen, as hard as you work to be happier, I sincerely hope that you and your family members never become among the 17 million Americans diagnosed with depression each year (according to the FDA). God forbid that you or your children join the ranks of such lazy and thoughtless people as Lincoln, Twain, Van Gogh, Beethoven, Plath, Dickenson, Churchill, Hemingway, Woolf, Dickens, Goethe, Keats, Wittgenstein, Tolstoy. May you and your loved ones never gain that kind of insight into the human condition.

Choose empathy over judgment.

[Scott]

Wow - that's a mixture of comments from the positive to the venomous. I think its a great commentary and see a lot of all sides regulalry.

Worth remembering that there are no hard and fast rules for any of this and every person is different.

[Ruth]

In 15 years as a professional counselling every kind of chronic unhappiness imaginable, I came to the conclusion that nobody *wants* to suffer. People do, however, develop very inaccurate and self-defeating beliefs about the sorts of behaviours that will keep them safe and protect them from worse suffering. Going out risks humiliation and rejection = more suffering. Admitting to periods of happiness risks having your fragile support systems believe they are off the hook and then when you really need them they might not be there = more suffering. Safer to maintain the baseline misery and keep the supports engaged, especially if you have low self-esteem and don't believe you have any leverage but pity. Frustrating as hell to be the caregiver / "helper" because those beliefs generate manipulative behaviours and are very difficult to dislodge - but they are kept solidly in place by fear - even terror, and it is a truly awful place to be. Techniques like cognitive behavioural therapy specifically target the behaviours you mention, and the beliefs behind them. I think your observations are accurate in that sense, but the path to "just getting on with it" can be long and arduous and deserves compassion.

[bronxelf]

I will make note of this "Secret of Adulthood":

What's fun for other people may not be fun for you--and vice versa.

And contrast it with this statement:

Stay alone as much as you can. Avoid seeing other people. Cancel plans frequently, don't answer your phone, tell people things like, "I hate parties," "I detest crowds," etc.

Wow, extroverts are arrogant know-it-alls. It never ceases to amaze me how often they will abandon this "Secret of Adulthood" when it it flies in the face of their own personal extroverted preferences. Because of course- they really believe that everyone really *SHOULD* be just like them.

And then they wonder why introverts want nothing to do with them.

The mind reels.

Beyond that, I think both B and Kimberly hit it right on the money.

[Willie Hewes]

I re-read the entry, but I still can't see the 'judgement' B and others are talking about here.

I thought it was a humorous inversion of the usual list of tips. And although this is probably not the breakthrough cure to depression, I have to agree that the habits listed are unproductive, if happiness is your goal.

There seems to be one you missed though, Gretchen: Be offended at everything you don't agree with, and take it all really really seriously.

[Nika]

http://www.spring.org.uk/2007/03/seven-ways-music-influences-mood.php a link You might find helpful.

[phquaryn]

How I wish half of those didn't fit me. I'm guilty! I sentence myself to a day off from work and running a 10K with happy, motivated people.

[Paula G]

I would add the question -- "Do you want to be right or happy?" We often get into big tiffs trying to be right because we want to hold onto our righteous positions. This is always a true path to being unhappy because we wreck relationships along the way and somehow stay stuck convinced we "know" something. Besides having more possibilities in the "beginner's mind" there is also a great deal more peace & happiness as well.

[Jennifer]

As an introvert who has fought depression for most of my life, I have to say, sheesh, people, calm down!

First of all, only two of Gretchen's points correspond to depression at all. And her point about avoiding people--even introverts are unhappy if they avoid people at all costs. Even introverts need one or two close friends or relatives. I think her point there was more about not focusing on the negative--not telling people you hate parties, if the point is that you prefer solitude or smaller gatherings.

Also, nowhere in her post does she say that not doing these things is easy, that you should just stop doing them without getting therapeutic guidance to lead you through it, that she doesn't do them and she's better than the rest of us, or anything else.

I can only think that maybe some of us, like I did, read the list and felt a bit chastened after recognizing some of our own bad habits there, and some of us decided to lash out at Gretchen instead of examining whether there was any truth in her words.

[bronxelf]

See, here's the problem:

If one agrees with the premise of the author, then everything is okay.

If one disagrees and says nothing, then the author can assume that everyone agrees, and everything is okay.

If one disagrees and says something, then one gets held up as the example to prove the statement to begin with.

So there's no way to say "no, this isn't correct"(and frankly, it's pretty offensive to boot) without being told "see? you must be exactly what she means otherwise you wouldn't disagree or be offended!"

Well, I suppose that's one way to ensure no one ever disagrees with your position. It's worked for religions for over 2000 years.

Just remember folks, just because it's a joke, doesn't make it funny. And just because someone disagrees doesn't mean they prove your point.

[B]

Excuse me, Jennifer, but the entire blog entry was about unhappiness, which is pretty unquestionably related to depression. And there is most certainly the implication in this post that unhappy people are lazy, whiny, shy, self-indulgent, attention-seeking losers whose problems are the result of nothing more than their own bad decisions. If you don't see what I mean, let me illustrate:

Gretchen describes the problems of unhappy people with trite examples like receiving bad service, having to listen to people talking on cell phones (?!), and being busy at work. If you don't want to be unhappy, stop complaining, manage your time better, and get off your ass. How can it possibly be that simple? There is a depression EPIDEMIC taking place throughout the developed world right now. Expressing the idea that unhappiness is merely the result of these kinds of behaviors is a step backward and only adds to the stigma and hostility that depressed people already face. Doing it in a public forum like a blog is destructive enough, but this is going to be made into a book? God have mercy.

And basically mocking people who see a therapist (because, you know, lots of people are in therapy twice a week to complain about having to listen to bad jokes) in the 3rd point seems somehow incompatible with your assertion that she never said (in reference to bad habits) "you should just stop doing them without getting therapeutic guidance". Come on.

Gretchen needs to sort out what she means when she says happiness. I think a lot of the disagreement that has gone on here is the result of people not knowing what is she is actually talking about in the first place. Does she mean happiness in terms of freedom from pain and suffering? Or are we talking about self-actualization? Or does she mean the kind of feeling you get when you find that pair of sunglasses you thought you had lost or finally finish sending out all those Valentines Day cards or lose that last 10 pounds? I have the feeling it is the latter. I have other words to describe this: shallow self-satisfaction. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with feeling this way, but it is not the same as happiness.

[Ted]

B, I'm confused about your attack on Gretchen's post, and on Jennifer's comments. Who was mocking anyone for seeing a therapist? Seriously, please include quotes. I never saw that anywhere. You're right, of course, that people go to therapists for serious problems, not because they don't like someone's jokes. If you are going to a therapist just to complain about someone telling the same joke over and over, then you really don't have a serious problem, and you are trivializing the very real, debilitating condition of depression. I think that was Gretchen's point.

And let me point out here, in case anyone needs it pointed out, that I began that statement with "if." If the hypethetical doesn't apply to you, about going to a therapist just to complain about little things that bother you -- then the rest of the sentence doesn't apply to you either.

My wife has battled serious depression most of her life, and has been seeing a therapist regularly. I recently concluded nearly a year of weekly therapy myself. And while the serious effects of depression can't be understated, neither can the importance of self-responsibility -- especially among those of us who'd rather complain about everything around them (and here I'm referring to the people Gretchen referred to in her original article, not necessarily anyone else) than address their underlying unhappiness, whether that requires mere changes in habit, professional help or a combination of the two.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Zoikes, it will take some serious thinking and re-reading to digest all the perspectives here.

Here's my response.

My tip list (which, yes, was meant to be humorous) is in fact based on scientific research on happiness, which I do study.

Acting extroverted, for example, is extremely highly correlated with happiness --this is true even, surprisingly, for introverts.

In some studies, exercise has been shown to be as effective in treating depression as drugs and psychotherapy. And it has been shown repeatedly to give people more energy, an immediate mood boost, greater concentration, better sleep, etc.

Exressing or dwelling on annoyance and anger doesn't alleviate bad feelings, it amplfies them. The notion of healthy "catharsis" is a myth. Interestingly, women are more prone to "overthinking" (i.e., ruminating on slights, grudges, etc.) than men, which some speculate is why women are more prone to depression.

I have UTTER SYMPATHY for people who are depressed, and I know all too much about it. To me, however, depression seems different from what I call "ordinary unhappiness" which is what I was talking about. I think of depression as being in a completely different category, and while some of what I talk about might be applicable to someone with depression, I don't mean to suggest that someone who is "unhappy" is equivalent to someone who is clinically "depressed." That issue is probably worth a post, itself.

On the question of "What is happiness?" That question reminds me of law school, where we spent a semester talking about "what is a contract?" Aaaaack. I decided to take anotherly lawyer's approach to the question and say, "I know it when I see it." (Which is what one of the Justices [I think Justice White] wrote about porn.) But although we might not agree on what it is to "be happy" I think most people could agree that htey could BE HAPPIER. And that's the subject that interests me -- what we can do to be happier.

I would go on and on about these very important issues, and also supply citation for the studies, but can't because I'm away from my desk for the week.

Thanks so much for so much to think about -- so many provocative, fascinating insights here.

[HeadHen]

So, so true. My Mother-In-Law is a firmly rooted, unhappy person. She has been unhappy almost her entire life. She does not recognize her blessings or good things in others. She has lost her family (still living) due to this.

We don't see her becuase we have chosen to *sit on the happy side of life* as we like to say at our house.

It's such a shame, as people forget they only get one go-round this time.

Happiness can be a choice.

[HeadHen]

So, so true. My Mother-In-Law is a firmly rooted, unhappy person. She has been unhappy almost her entire life. She does not recognize her blessings or good things in others. She has lost her family (still living) due to this.

We don't see her becuase we have chosen to *sit on the happy side of life* as we like to say at our house.

It's such a shame, as people forget they only get one go-round this time.

Happiness can be a choice.

[B]

Gretchen, your response clears up a lot for me and I appreciate it. Also, I re-read my comments and I apologize that they were so scathing and unduely harsh. I really enjoy your blog and I was very upset to read what I interpreted as very un-empathetic advice to depressed people to just suck it up and stop complaining and get on with their lives, which I understand now is far from what you meant. I could and should have been much more contstructive with my comments. I understand (or think I do) now that your aim is to evaluate advice for improving ones daily life--not to find a magic bullet for achieving lifelong, authentic happiness and not to find a cure for clinical depression. Re-reading some of your other writing on your blog, I realize now that this should have been more clear to me.

Finally, I am well aware that the last person you are looking for advice on writing your book is some random person like me, and I'm sure you've put a lot of thought into this already, BUT, as a reader and consumer of books, I must say that I think it is critical that you include a thorough and thoughtful discussion of this issue in your book. I fear that you may turn a lot of people off otherwise, especially those whose lives have been affected by depression in some way. The differences between depression and the frustrations of ordinary life, between ordinary day-to-day satisfaction and authentic happiness, between a major existential crisis and a bad hair day are complicated and important and I think quite prone to being confused. As you have said before, happiness is a huge, complex issue. The word "happiness" has a broad definition and means different things to different people. Without some kind of discussion of this, I think people who are recovering from depression or who are feeling chronically dissatisfied with their life (a significant proportion of the population and, it follows, of literary journalists) and are desperately searching out a way to find happiness again will be disappointed and even offended by your well-meaning tips. Regular people who are just trying to find ways to make their days happier, simpler, and more meaningful will probably love them.

Anyway, thanks for your blog, like I said I enjoy reading it, I think there is a lot of wisdom in here, and I'm looking forward to your book. Best of luck.

[crunchycarpets]

hmmm...I think depression is not akin to being unhappy...and not unhappy on 'purpose.'
I suffer from depression, but I think I am mostly happy!

My mil does not suffer from depression but is chronically unhappy and works hard to be so.
Unhappy for her is safe. Saves you from disappointments.

Again being happy has NOTHING to do with being clinically depressed. Most people who suffer WANT to be happier and feel better.