Tips for phrases you should NOT allow yourself to say to your sweetheart.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Tips for phrases you should NOT allow yourself to say to your spouse or sweetheart.

Research shows that the quality of a couple’s friendship plays a huge role in their happiness with their marriage’s romance and passion.

Kindness and helpfulness may not sound like particularly sexy qualities, but turns out – they are. A recent New Yorker cartoon summed this up perfectly. A guy in an SUV is talking into his cell phone: “Hey, baby, I just dropped the kids off at school, and now I’m going to the grocery store, and then I’m going home and unloading the car – am I making you hot?”

I’m working hard to nag less, to say “Thanks” more often, to be more light-hearted, and to stop slinking away when I see the Big Man doing a chore.

I’m also trying to “fight right” – to use gentle words, keep a sense of humor, and let the sun go down on my anger.

Here are some phrases I've eliminated (I hope) from my conversation. I've learned that you just can't say such things if you’re trying to fight right:

Don’t start.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Haven’t we already had this conversation?
Can’t we talk about this later?
Never mind (sigh), it’s not important.
You always do that.
For once, could you XXX without making a big deal about it?
Enough already.
Can’t we just go?
My personal favorite: Can I tell you one thing? (The Big Man has learned to answer “No!”).

Here’s a truly horrible phrase that I actually did say once, and I writhe with shame every time I remember it: “No backtalk.” Aaaaack! Can you imagine?

Comments

[Jackie Danicki]

Oh, yes. I can imagine all too well, sadly.

[Tanya Espanya]

I came across your site from Parent Hacks. Now I have to sit and read through everything you wrote, because so far what I've read I love. Thanks!

[Tanya Espanya]

(I hope my previous comment didn't sound as sarcastic as it reads, because I was not trying to sound like an ass!) :)

[Sheryl]

I think another good rule for fair fighting is to stay on the subject at hand. If you veer off onto other things, or bring up past problems, it's not helpful at all.

[Floyd B Pishko]

this is just a little edit and not supposed to be mean or anything. I think "letting the sun go down on your anger" means holding a grudge -- as in you keep the anger around even after the end of the day. I think you mean _not_ letting the sun go down on your anger.

I think the phrases to eliminate are priceless, although I do think that on occasion it is useful to drop a bomb big enough to stir things up like "no backtalk!" or "I'm right, you're wrong!" Sometimes you just need the win without questions. then you can talk about it later

[kstyle]

Gretchen, I love how brutally honest and forthcoming you are with yourself and that's what makes you so interesting. Hope the big man appreciates that about you because it is no small feat to self assess as honestly as you do. k

[Tom]

"Here’s a truly horrible phrase that I actually did say once, and I writhe with shame every time I remember it: “No backtalk.” Aaaaack! Can you imagine?"

I have a few of those, too. Do you have a technique for handling those painful thoughts that keep coming back to visit long after their usefulness is done?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Floyd -- actually, I DO mean "let the sun go down on my anger." What I've found is that if I sleep on it, I often find that in the morning, I'm not angry anymore. I don't have a grudge, either -- I just have somehow managed to get my sense of perspective back. Whereas if I unload my anger at the moment, I just get more and more worked up.

These haunting horrible moments...they are painful, but as you say, they can also be useful. They are an uncomfortable goad to do better. But once it isn't useful anymore to think about them -- I think the best way to get over those painful memories is to try to do nice things for that person. That way, memories of gestures of thoughtfulness, helpfulness, etc. will replace those painful memories.

[margaret]

It's so difficult to let phrases like this go, and you're absolutely right that it's worth the effort!

One phrase I try not to say, but sometimes still do is: "Would you just listen?!"

[alex]

hi there. awesome blog and project. I know that for me and my gf, we've banned certain words/phrases like:

"well you..." (nothing good comes after)
or
"fine!"

but yeah, eliminating words like "always" or "never" are helpful, too.

all too easily said than done in the moment... but still good reminders.

[Alex Fayle]

Dr. Amie Ragan in her blog the Psychology of Clutter recently wrote about using a "filter" or what I call "the edit button" before speaking to others.

It's a great article (TinyURLed to fit in the comments): http://tinyurl.com/34rovv

[Ott]

You wouldn't consider saying "Bitches is Crazy" inappropriate, would you?

[Laura]

Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty!!!

[Holly]

"I don't pay you to think" did not go over real well...

[JamesJaime]

for:kstyle's question above.
on " I have a few of those, too. Do you have a technique for handling those painful thoughts that keep coming back to visit long after their usefulness is done?
the tapping technique shown on emofree.com works for a variety of compulsive thoughts, negative feelings, phobias, etc. Basic workbook is a free download. System is known as EFT. Lot's of people share their experiences on the website, I too have been having very good results.
Gretchen, you have a beautiful website, and a great approach.

[Juggling Frogs (clkl)]

Calving and Hobbes cartoon:

http://bp1.blogger.com/_H38fvxlL4wU/Rl7fl2uWfJI/AAAAAAAAAC0/_eWoiEeXaJ0/s1600-h/calvin_hobbs.bmp

[hasnahlily]

i like your site. it's cool. good work!!