Tips for phrases you should NOT allow yourself to say to your sweetheart.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Tips for phrases you should NOT allow yourself to say to your spouse or sweetheart.

Research shows that the quality of a couple’s friendship plays a huge role in their happiness with their marriage’s romance and passion.

Kindness and helpfulness may not sound like particularly sexy qualities, but turns out – they are. A recent New Yorker cartoon summed this up perfectly. A guy in an SUV is talking into his cell phone: “Hey, baby, I just dropped the kids off at school, and now I’m going to the grocery store, and then I’m going home and unloading the car – am I making you hot?”

I’m working hard to nag less, to say “Thanks” more often, to be more light-hearted, and to stop slinking away when I see the Big Man doing a chore.

I’m also trying to “fight right” – to use gentle words, keep a sense of humor, and let the sun go down on my anger.

Here are some phrases I've eliminated (I hope) from my conversation. I've learned that you just can't say such things if you’re trying to fight right:

Don’t start.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Haven’t we already had this conversation?
Can’t we talk about this later?
Never mind (sigh), it’s not important.
You always do that.
For once, could you XXX without making a big deal about it?
Enough already.
Can’t we just go?
My personal favorite: Can I tell you one thing? (The Big Man has learned to answer “No!”).

Here’s a truly horrible phrase that I actually did say once, and I writhe with shame every time I remember it: “No backtalk.” Aaaaack! Can you imagine?

Comments

[Jackie Danicki]

Oh, yes. I can imagine all too well, sadly.

[Tanya Espanya]

I came across your site from Parent Hacks. Now I have to sit and read through everything you wrote, because so far what I've read I love. Thanks!

[Tanya Espanya]

(I hope my previous comment didn't sound as sarcastic as it reads, because I was not trying to sound like an ass!) :)

[Sheryl]

I think another good rule for fair fighting is to stay on the subject at hand. If you veer off onto other things, or bring up past problems, it's not helpful at all.

[Floyd B Pishko]

this is just a little edit and not supposed to be mean or anything. I think "letting the sun go down on your anger" means holding a grudge -- as in you keep the anger around even after the end of the day. I think you mean _not_ letting the sun go down on your anger.

I think the phrases to eliminate are priceless, although I do think that on occasion it is useful to drop a bomb big enough to stir things up like "no backtalk!" or "I'm right, you're wrong!" Sometimes you just need the win without questions. then you can talk about it later

[kstyle]

Gretchen, I love how brutally honest and forthcoming you are with yourself and that's what makes you so interesting. Hope the big man appreciates that about you because it is no small feat to self assess as honestly as you do. k

[Tom]

"Here’s a truly horrible phrase that I actually did say once, and I writhe with shame every time I remember it: “No backtalk.” Aaaaack! Can you imagine?"

I have a few of those, too. Do you have a technique for handling those painful thoughts that keep coming back to visit long after their usefulness is done?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Floyd -- actually, I DO mean "let the sun go down on my anger." What I've found is that if I sleep on it, I often find that in the morning, I'm not angry anymore. I don't have a grudge, either -- I just have somehow managed to get my sense of perspective back. Whereas if I unload my anger at the moment, I just get more and more worked up.

These haunting horrible moments...they are painful, but as you say, they can also be useful. They are an uncomfortable goad to do better. But once it isn't useful anymore to think about them -- I think the best way to get over those painful memories is to try to do nice things for that person. That way, memories of gestures of thoughtfulness, helpfulness, etc. will replace those painful memories.

[margaret]

It's so difficult to let phrases like this go, and you're absolutely right that it's worth the effort!

One phrase I try not to say, but sometimes still do is: "Would you just listen?!"

[alex]

hi there. awesome blog and project. I know that for me and my gf, we've banned certain words/phrases like:

"well you..." (nothing good comes after)
or
"fine!"

but yeah, eliminating words like "always" or "never" are helpful, too.

all too easily said than done in the moment... but still good reminders.

[Alex Fayle]

Dr. Amie Ragan in her blog the Psychology of Clutter recently wrote about using a "filter" or what I call "the edit button" before speaking to others.

It's a great article (TinyURLed to fit in the comments): http://tinyurl.com/34rovv

[Ott]

You wouldn't consider saying "Bitches is Crazy" inappropriate, would you?

[Laura]

Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty!!!

[Holly]

"I don't pay you to think" did not go over real well...

[JamesJaime]

for:kstyle's question above.
on " I have a few of those, too. Do you have a technique for handling those painful thoughts that keep coming back to visit long after their usefulness is done?
the tapping technique shown on emofree.com works for a variety of compulsive thoughts, negative feelings, phobias, etc. Basic workbook is a free download. System is known as EFT. Lot's of people share their experiences on the website, I too have been having very good results.
Gretchen, you have a beautiful website, and a great approach.

[Juggling Frogs (clkl)]

Calving and Hobbes cartoon:

http://bp1.blogger.com/_H38fvxlL4wU/Rl7fl2uWfJI/AAAAAAAAAC0/_eWoiEeXaJ0/s1600-h/calvin_hobbs.bmp

[hasnahlily]

i like your site. it's cool. good work!!

[Rob Norton]

Gretchen, I've been a big fan of your work for a long time (and am a Super Fan!) ... I laughed out loud at Holly's comment above "I don't pay you to think" ... I said that one time too, Holly -- to my partner who was being basically a "Househusband" at the time because he couldn't find a job at the time... he has one now and I cringe at the thought of saying that. I've apologized for it since.

My partner and I many times get into fights late at night just before bed for some reason, and I've found Gretchen's "let the sun go down on Anger" really works.. I was taught NOT to do this, and it was a hard habit to break.

If we *do* fight at night I've learned to say "Look, I love you, we're both tired, this conversation is going nowhere good, let's just chalk it up to not going to bed when we should have and call it a night, and if we still feel angry in the morning, we can talk about it then." That usually works, but we also usually go to bed silently and not holding each other, which I've learned is OK -- even though my heart tells me I'll regret every one of those nights I didn't hold him when I could have.

-Rob

[Ed Freeman]

You forgot "The trouble with YOU is_________" - or is that so horrible it never even crossed your mind...

[Married Maniac]

What if your spouse says "F You! Go F Yourself!" in front of the children (in response to a simple question regarding the reason for a crying child). I simply did not respond, not knowing how to. It's been 12 hours and I've received no apology.

[Son of Biford]

Any time my wife and I disagree about something, no matter how big or small the issue, it is within a hair of blowing up into a fight. And without fail, my wife will be the first to get angry, begin raising her voice, start cursing, and become insulting. From there, the argument usually goes off topic.

It's so frustrating and debilitating that I can no longer express how I feel about anything.

Heaven knows I have plenty of my own issues that need attention, but communication with my wife, especially on meaningful topics, is constant confrontation. And when I express the fact that this confrontation only make matters worse, and makes me want to avoid communication even more, she refuses to accept my feelings, and has literally said to my face, "that is invalid, and I do not accept it."

This woman wants to get pregnant in the next several months! I'm ready to snap, and go running down the street, screaming, and pulling my hair out.

[Eugene]

Don't get her pregnant until she changes or else you WILL regret it - forever.

[janie]

Married Maniac, let your spouse know that you don't like to be talked at that way by anyone, less by your spouse, and even less in front of the children.

[tlo]

Married Maniac - Calmly tell him that the next time he speaks to you that way, in front of the kids or not, you will leave him.

And then follow through if he does.

If you're not able to do that, replace "leave you" with "enroll us in marriage counseling, and if you don't attend I'll be forced to file for divorce."

[Alan]

Son of Biford. Hope it's not the case for you. The last time I had to deal with that kind of treatment was when my wife-at-the-time had grown tired of me and she was actively trying to get me to walk out on her so that she could blame me for the failure of our marriage. And I agree with Eugene, you do not want a child with someone with whom you can't have a civil conversation with or you'll end up in the same boat as Married Maniac who probably could use some marriage counseling if their relationship isn't as abusive as it appears to be from the one comment. My heart goes out to both of you.

[John]

I have a problem with this one:
---What’s that supposed to mean?---
A major part of the problems I mand my wife have when arguing is that her native language is completely different from English, especially in the grammar. She often - when agitated - starts saying things with English words, but with her native grammar. Those statements either: do not mean anything discernible, mean something, but not what she is trying to say, or I think I know what she is trying to say, but I am not sure. In all cases, I have to stop her and sort it out if there is to be any chance of understanding. Problem is, when she is riled up she does not want to be stopped.

Any suggestions?

[Bella]

Especially DON'T mumble after it's over, that will laed him/her to assume, and this is gonna sound really stupid, yet true...

Spell "Assume"...Ass-u-me Aussuming makes an ass out of u and me

[Bella]

*lead*

[happilydivorced]

Hving children doesn't solve marital problems,it only makes them worse!There's probably more to this situation than meets the eye.

[Cynthia]

The most frustrating phrase that my bf likes to use during a fight is "You're right, I'm wrong, end of discussion". He seems to think it's a type of cure all, but it just gets my blood boiling at the time...

[Lais Sales]

hello, I loved your site, it's very good
I am brazilian and I want to give you one idea to do a text about "Differents languages in an marriage". My husband is american and always when we fight I tell him many things in portuguese that he can't understand! and he tells me many things in English so quickly that I also can't understand!! it's terrible because cause more fight and sometimes is funny because after that we laugh together.

[katherine]

who knew grown ups got so into this thing...

[Chevie D]

How do you say what you really want to say when you are afraid of your other half and because of the fear, you live a sleepless, walk on eggshells, headache, white knuckeled and upset stomach kind of life???

D in Atlanta

[crystal]

One thing by Boyfriend and I have done to try and not start fights is we ahve banned the words: Nevermind(sigh) and shutup- which is just rude to say anyways, and we do not allow ourselves to eachother anytype of "bad" name.