Do you want to stop nagging?

One of my main goals for the Happiness Project has been to stop nagging, for three reasons. First, people don’t like being nagged. Second, nagging doesn’t work. Third – and I didn’t really understand this until I’d cut back on my nagging – it makes me feel bad about myself. I don’t like feeling a shrewish, badgering person.

I hit on several strategies to stop nagging the Big Man, and I’ve managed to improve. One Wednesday, I posted a list of tips for getting to do your sweetheart to do chores--without nagging that worked for me.

Once I started paying attention to my nagging, I realized that I also nag the Big Girl quite a bit (the Little Girl is still too young to be a target for nagging).

In particular, my nagging takes the form of repeating instructions over and over, before giving her a chance to comply.

For example, the Big Girl was supposed to bring an extra pair of shoes to school today. I reminded her at breakfast. I reminded her while she was getting dressed. Then, as I was putting the Little Girl into the stroller for the walk to school, I started to yell a reminder.

But I thought—no. Don’t nag. Not only is my nagging an aggravation, it shows that I don’t think she can remember to get the shoes on her own. Two reminders was already one more than necessary.

I choked back my words, and sure enough, she showed up a few minutes later with the spare shoes in her hand.

Comments

[maisnon]

As the daughter of a nagging mom - I really appreciated this post. I think you're dead-on about your nagging showing that you think the other person can't remember, I think it can also show (1) I don't trust you to do what I asked or take care of things in a timely manner, (2) mine is the only way to do things, etc. etc.

[Sharyn]

This is something I've needed to work on, also. I have come to realize that if I get really acknowledged (not just a no-eye-contact "un-huh") when I make a request or give a reminder, that I can let it go a lot more easily with only saying it once. I need to feel heard.

[MT]

Great perspective... additionally, wouldn't nagging train the naggee *not* to remember on their own, or otherwise self motivate? If they can count on the nagger to remind/nag them even up to the last minute, why keep the info in their own head?

Recently, I'd actually been thinking I wanted to learn how to nag certain folks in my life.. but being someone else's walking-talking-nagging PIM doesn't seem like a very happy thing to be. Thanks for the nudge!

[Sherri Leigh]

I've recently started to aggravate myself with my own nagging, so this post is coming at the perfect time. I'm working on saying whatever it is in a nice way without a spoken or implied "I already told you... ." I also try to remind myself that it is not my responsibility to make sure all people do all things. MT's comment may be on to something- perhaps the nagging encourages irresponsibility.

[Gretchen Rubin]

These comments are so helpful. Absolutely --nagging encourages dependence, and then you just have to nag more! And it's no fun to feel like the shrew in charge of everything.

Sharyn's observation about "getting acknowledged" is ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL. I hadn't zeroed in on this, but I realize that this is often exactly why I keep repeating myself. I keep saying the same thing over and over, because I'm not sure it has registered. But of course, this just encourages the listener to tune me out. I'm going to talk to the Big Man about this today.

[ben]

Great post!

I always think I'm not getting through the fog. So I repeat myself, over and over again.

I don't think I realized that my repetition is generating a fog of it's own. Plus I bet my kids think "I don't have to listen, until his voice changes and that vein starts standing out."

Thanks.

[Alison]

As always, Gretchen, you're spot on. Hey -- I heard you this morning on that Karen Salmansohn sirius show -- Be Happy Dammit! It figures you know her. I love her books and her blog at www.notsalmon.com also has interesting studies and pieces about happiness. By the way - you were great on-air. Nice to hear an out loud voice to your written voice!

[Meg]

This is good stuff to understand. What I am finding out is that now that I live alone I have no one to acknowledge my nagging, the dog doesn't care, so I am only nagging myself and boy does that get aggravating.

Meg

[Michelle]

Have you read Parenting with Love and Logic? Your post reminds me quite a bit of the basis of their parenting strategies. It's a really postive tool and worth the read.

[Ganeen]

Yes, but what if they really don't remember...then you have to bring whatever it is to school, later?! Or they stay in bed sleeping, or they don't tidy up... I get resentful, I can't help it, like..."Why don't they care what I need or want done?" I do a lot for them...and I feel like They won't help ME by listening the first time. I am only trying to keep THEM on schedule!

I always say thank-you when a request gets done.

Am I alone in this resentful feeling?

[Sasha Kuroi]

I would say no, you are not alone. When others take advantage of our kindness OF COURSE we are going to dislike it!

IMO.

Let your kids get off schedule once or twice. (At times when you know it will matter to them) Don't bail them out. Let them suffer the consequences for their inactions.

(I am not talking about right before an exam or anything devastating, just something which would be a major drag to forget.)

Do this a few times on them. Deliberately.

Whats the harm. Its better then you having to organize their lives for them. Most people learn pretty quickly when it starts to effect them. Especially if the results happen hours or so after they forget to do a task.

[Sasha Kuroi]

I would say no, you are not alone. When others take advantage of our kindness OF COURSE we are going to dislike it!

IMO.

Let your kids get off schedule once or twice. (At times when you know it will matter to them) Don't bail them out. Let them suffer the consequences for their inactions.

(I am not talking about right before an exam or anything devastating, just something which would be a major drag to forget.)

Do this a few times on them. Deliberately.

Whats the harm. Its better then you having to organize their lives for them. Most people learn pretty quickly when it starts to effect them. Especially if the results happen hours or so after they forget to do a task.

[S.E.]

I have a chronically nagging mother who never, ever stops. I once realized that her attitude was much like yours (I asked what her problem was, and she said, "You don't help me.", and my first response to that was that it was a very selfish viewpoint. There are other people with other priorities in the household. Why should my mother be the only one who receives assistance with things? No one else demands so much attention for the smallest everyday tasks, which to be honest, will get done regardless, because they are usually basic house upkeep or scheduled events that everyone already cares and knows about. The reason why they very often don't get done, is because everyone is avoiding her and her nagging by staying away from the house or from places where she usually is (which are many times, the places she nags about). She is the only one who doesn't see this.

Second, my mother doesn't generally involve herself with the family. She has preoccupied herself with her friends and her personal hobbies. So when she comes around to nag about things of mine, the first thing I end up thinking is, "Since when do you actually care about this?" On a daily basis, she doesn't ask anyone how they are. She's MIA. She cooks, yes, but isn't interested in conversation. The only time she talks to anyone in the family is to nag. Because of this, I hate it when she is anywhere near me.

If she would just get out of people's way and allow things to be done, then they would get done. Instead, she drives everyone nuts until the only thing anyone wants to do is nothing!

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Ganeen Said:
Yes, but what if they really don't remember...then you have to bring whatever it is to school, later?! Or they stay in bed sleeping, or they don't tidy up... I get resentful, I can't help it, like..."Why don't they care what I need or want done?" I do a lot for them...and I feel like They won't help ME by listening the first time. I am only trying to keep THEM on schedule!

I always say thank-you when a request gets done.

Am I alone in this resentful feeling?