This Wednesday: Five tips for how to FIGHT RIGHT with your sweetheart.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Five tips for how to FIGHT RIGHT with your sweetheart.

Many couples try to “solve” their problems, when in fact, many problems can’t be solved. How much time to spend with the in-laws, how to spend money, how to discipline children, who does various chores…these arguments will happen over and over. They aren’t problems that can be permanently fixed.

So one thing I’ve thought a lot about is how the Big Man and I can fight right. How can we have arguments that are productive and loving, not exhausting, unpleasant, and pointless?

I’m much more likely to tackle a subject. The Big Man tries to avoid an argument at all cost – usually, with the simple tactic of not answering me when I raise some difficult issue – which just makes me madder, of course.

I can’t say that I’ve made a huge amount of progress, but these are the tips I’m trying to follow, in order to fight right:

1. Joke about the conflict. This is hardest for me, but also the most effective. For example, seemingly out of pure cussedness, the Big Man often refuses to give me information – silly things, like what time we’re meeting friends for brunch. It drives me crazy. The last time he did it, I managed to say, “Are you in the C.I.A? Why is everything around here on a need-to-know basis?” He laughed, I laughed, and I felt a lot better. He hasn’t changed his behavior, but I’ve lightened up about it.

2. Take a break. Marriage expert John Gottman recommends a twenty-minute recess if an argument gets too heated. This strategy works well, but it’s tough to think to do it when you’re in the midst of a fight. Sometimes it happens by chance, when the phone rings or the dog throws up.

3. Throw money at the problem. Hiring a teenager to mow the lawn, buying prepared food, or getting a babysitter once a week might eliminate a source of friction. Peace in a relationship is a high happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if it can help.

4. Hug and kiss. One of the things I appreciate most about the Big Man is that he hugs and kisses me all the time: he puts his arm around me when we’re at a party, he gives me a good-bye morning kiss, a hello evening kiss, and a good-night kiss. This goes a long way – especially during an argument, when a quick hug or even a touch can transform the mood. To optimize the flow of mood-boosting chemicals like oxytocin and serotonin, hold your hug for at least six seconds.

5. Make “repair attempts.” During a fight, make gestures to keep things from getting too ugly. Laugh; throw in a comment like, “I know what you’re talking about,” “I see what you mean,” or “I’m trying to do better,”; admit where you’re wrong, and most important – I have to remind myself of this often – let the fight end. Let it go. Have the discussion, then change the subject.

*
Zoikes, I would have missed seeing this Jane Brody article in the New York Times if a friend hadn't sent me the link. As I have been known to remark more than once, a fairly painless and simple way of cutting calories out of your diet is NOT TO DRINK them. For a great article on the science behind this advice, check out Personal Health: You Are Also What You Drink. One crazy fact: about 21% of the calories consumed by Americans (more than 2 years old) come from beverages -- soft drinks and fruit juices, for the most part.

Comments

[Robert 'Groby' Blum]

Re: #1, from the male perspective... Since I don't know your Big Guy, I'm stereotyping him - a lot of males like knowing "why". If you ask for info, let him know why you need it. Helped wonders when I explained to my wife that that was the part that bugged me - dozens of (for me) unimportant questions. Until I knew that they were important for her, and why they were important.

Yes, I know it's weird. Just try it. I never claimed we're the rational half of the species ;)

[Sherri Leigh]

One more: never argue about the feelings. Instead, discuss the actual topic. You can't blame a person for the way they feel.

[Jackie Danicki]

I get really annoyed if my guy tries to hug or kiss me during an argument. I read it as an attempt to push aside the issue at hand with physical comfort.

[David Hollingworth]

I have to say that I disagree 100% with the opening statements that many problems can't be solved.

It's in the very nature of a problem that a solution exists somewhere. You may not like the outcome; but it's still a solution. It's then your personal choice whether you move forwards or not.

[eduardo]

Here's how to solve your problems and improve your health at the same time? Go for a walk together. I've heard it said that a good vigorous walk is worth a 100 hours of therapy. And even better here is the way to do it, to get more benefit with less effort..from Truthteller site
http://www.reddeerblog.com/2007/03/exercise-easy-way.html

[Eva Lang]

The link you posted to the NYT article "You Are Also What you Drink" was to the NYT archive where it costs $4.95 to view the article. The article was printed in the Times Argus where you can read it for free at http://timesargus.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070401/FEATURES07/704010356/1016/FEATURES07

[Jessica]

You echo the philosophy of.... oh I can't remember the author's name, but the book is the "Seven Principles of Marriage." These are great tips.

[Swan]

I love your wit and humor, and find your experiments - both the successful ones and not so successful ones - stimulating, inspiring and heartening. I have added a link to your blog on my blog. Please let me know if you want me to remove it. You have my email address, which is also listed on my blog. Thanks. ~ Swan

[Gretchen Rubin]

The fantastic book about "Seven Principles" is by John Gottman, the researcher I mention. It's a terrific book. Walking during an argument -- fabulous idea -- but I think I'd have the hard time getting the Big Man to sign up. Jackie's point about not wanting to be touched or kiss during an argument -- just shows how differently people react, how you really need to pay attention to your spouse or sweetheart. You may be doing something to try to help which is in fact making things WORSE.

[Eve]

My husband and I have been fighting for a week and a half after he walked off his job when we could least afford it, and then doing almost nothing for several days. I started attacking the argument from the perspective of he and I versus a bad situation instead of me versus him. I told him that I know he loves me and that he would never intentionally do to me what he's been doing. After a highly-charged and emotional discussion, the whole situation took a turn. He still doesn't have another job, but he has done more in the last two days than he had done in over a week. I am very proud of him, and a little proud of myself for finding the right way to work on the situation.

[Jia]

Me and my husband have been married for 5 years.Its very hard when things just get worse than better. The arguements have gotten to the point that we're arguing even when its not a very big of a deal, Something thats not truly worth fighting. We have gone through very tough times for past 2-3 months..because of my in laws, and other things. I am trying to take it easy and not flare up on everything.. but its not working as of yet.

[Esther Wong]

Your blog is great. i have been living a life of negativity for so many years of my life, but now, I can tackle it with your help. Many thanks! =)

[bine]

i think those are very useful tips. we’re not in a position to throw money at a problem, but we’re following all the others. i find the touching part very important. even if i’m not much in the mood to hug and kiss during a fight, i at least try to make some contact or sit as close as possible, not to draw away. i also think giving feedback during a fight, like “i think understand what you mean to say, but ...” is hugely important. another thing that plays a big part for me is that i have to constantly call to mind that my perspective is just one of two. i can try to help him understand my view on things, but i also need to understand his for us to get it straightened out together. whenever i fall into that “why won’t he just understand me” mood i have to remind myself that he’s probably feeling the same about it. that helps a lot.

[Cin]

I would just like to know ??? How, can "1" person can have enough morales and scrupples to stand behind what she beleives in and then to get trashed like she does not know what she is talking about. After 21+ years of trying to do the correct and most enjoyable things out of life and then to be remindered,"Oh, "U" you didn't have to do that or If you try to make a meal (when you can follow a receipe) and then told, HA!HA!HA! that's OK if you do not how to cook.
The list can go on and on. What is someone advise? Please advise, I think it is quite funny now that read this. Or more, quite unbeleivable.

: ) Thank you all for letting me get this of my chest. I feel quite better,now.
Cin