What does it mean “not to be happy”?

Last Wednesday’s post, Tips for how NOT to be happy, provoked a lot of controversy.

I think one major reason was the question: what does it mean for a person “not to be happy”?

Many people understood this to mean a person who is “depressed.” Which is not what I intended.

I spend most of my time thinking about happiness, not its opposite, and this discussion has made me realize that I need to do more research in this area. What follows is my own way of thinking about…non-happiness.

People use the word “depression” in different ways. In the first sense, the word describes feeling low, sad, or blue – but not in a way that disrupts your capacity to live a normal life.

In the second sense, the word describes a major mood disorder of intense sadness, despair, paralysis, etc. that does disrupt your capacity to live a normal life.

People with clinical depression need serious expert intervention. I’m a huge believer in medication. Some of what I write about in the Happiness Project might help people with clinical depression – exercise, for example, is astonishingly effective – but I would never claim that the measures I describe would cure them.

There are also people who are depressed because they’ve suffered a major loss, like the death of a spouse or child, a devastating career blow, etc. They fall someplace between the two categories above. Perhaps anti-depressants would help for a time, but not be necessary forever. Their lives are disrupted, but then come together again. They, too, might benefit from some of the measures I talk about, but time is probably the thing that helps most.

My Happiness Project is aimed at what I would call “ordinary unhappiness.” Not the tremendous pain that comes from a divorce, not the paralyzing despair that comes from clinical depression, but the low-level, grating, downward slide toward unhappiness.

Most people in the United States consider themselves “happy”: 50% say they’re “pretty happy” and 34% say they’re “very happy.” When I started my project, I also considered myself “happy.”

My inspiration for writing the Happiness Project was my epiphany that I didn’t appreciate how happy I was (I was too focused on the negatives), and insofar as I wasn’t happy, it was largely because I wasn’t demanding enough of myself. I was haunted by a line from Colette: “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” I did NOT want this to happen to me.

My research and experience has convinced me that, in general, many people can be happier. Certainly I’ve become a lot happier since I started my Happiness Project. However, it’s a lot of work, and people fall into habits that drag them down.

Last Wednesday’s Tip List was meant to point out some habits that contribute to people’s “ordinary unhappiness.” I absolutely agree that a person with clinical depression can’t just decide to go to a party and – bam, he’ll feel terrific. On the other hand, a person who feels blue can push herself to go to a party and – most likely, studies show, she’ll feel better.

Interestingly, studies show that positive affect and negative affect (feeling good and feeling bad) aren’t two ends of the same continuum. They’re different from each other, and move separately. So you can feel very happy and very unhappy at the same time. So “unhappiness” isn’t the opposite of “happiness.” Neither is “depression.”

Newsflash: after I wrote this post, I saw that in today’s New York Times, Benedict Carey has an article, Many Diagnoses of Depression May Be Misguided, Study Says. The article discusses the question of how to categorize people who have suffered a severe blow. Apparently, I got it right when I said that such folks were between categories 1 and 2.

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Ariane Benefit of Neat Living has challenged some professional organizers (and me, too, because I love clearing clutter) to post photos of their desks – as is, no tidying allowed. Here goes -- fortunately, I'm pretty tidy today:

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Comments

[Michelle I]

I think it's really wonderful that you took great care to consider fully the responses that you received on last week's post...and come back with a clear distintion between being unhappy vs. depressed. Myself, I had really never considered that they aren't the same thing at all.
I loved the original post on "How to be unhappy" but was riveted to see how it hit a nerve with others that was both positive and negative. The fact that you were so gracious with all the responses and seemed to not take it personally was an awesome lesson for me.
As someone who also craves gold stars, I admire the fact that you didn't freak out or get defensive. This is gonna be some great stuff for your book!

[andrea from the fishbowl]

I see your bluebirds of happiness perched near your workspace. Love it.

[Ariane Benefit, Neat Living]

First of all, thanks so much for posting pictures of your desk! It is so cool to actually see where other people who work from a home office and who blog get things done. (We have the exact same phone! You can't see mine very well, but it's the same.) & Your bluebird really is adorable.

Second, what a brilliant response to your previous post. I love your insight that you can be happy and unhappy at the same time. It happens to me often and I never quite articulated it. It's like when you are mad at someone but you still love them. Feelings are not mutually exclusive. Having experienced depression on and off most of my life, I know it can be triggered by thoughts, events, specific foods, feelings and sometimes by nothing. It just happens.

And even while feeling depression, you can still have positive feelings. For example, my cats always trigger happy loving feelings even when I'm depressed. The only thing I've found that has had a profound effect on depression, other than medication, is my career and love.

Having changed my career to follow my passion has been the best therapy of my life. It has allowed me to love more in so many ways.

I could go on and on, but I won't...I just want you to know that I love your blog, and appreciate all your posts so much more than you'll ever know because there just isn't enough time in the world. And besides, you'd get bored with me if I told you every day how great you are. : )

With much gratitude,
Ariane

[Sharyn]

Your inspirational quote from Collette is all about gratitude, and the incredible benefit of obtaining that wisdom at as early of an age as possible. The evolution of your Happiness Project sounds to me to have had an awful lot to do with your simply appreciating all the good you already have in your life, and exploring more ways to be aware of your blessings, and consiously express gratitude for them. Your goal was also self-stated to be "happier", not "happy". You started from a good place. Being "un-Happy" is as far from depression, I would think, as being "un-Grateful" is.

As always, your happiness experience will be unique to you, but your blog has given much, much food for thought to anyone looking for progress. Thank You.

[Radiantsun]

I read your "how not to be happy post" last week, and it was exactly the kick in the pants I needed to remind me that I have a choice in the way I feel. (http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.com/2006/10/route-to-happiness.html)

Your article this week is neat for me too, because it is a reminder to think about what I learned in school. I'm getting my masters in Family Therapy, one of the teachers was helping a small group of us focus for our impending exit exams, and her question was:

A client says "I'm depressed" what are all the possible diagnosis for this client based on the DSM-IV?

It could mean:
1) Adjustment disorder with depressed mood
2) Dysthymia
3) Cyclothymia (the depression part)
4) Bi-Polar I(the depression part)
5) Bi-polar II (the depression part)
6) Bereavement
7) Major Depressive Disorder

I can't remember if we counted 7 or 8 possibilities, but I am only remembering 7.

My first response to her question was "Well I would find out what the client means when they say depressed because our culture tends to misuse the word." That was not the answer to the question, even though she said that was the correct way to proceed with the client.

The folks that have suffered a blow or experienced an event that seems related to their depression (and were not suicidal or other wise did not meet the criteria for Major Depression of the other 6 items), would probably get a diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder with depressed mood. And if that mood lasted beyond 6 months, then the diagnosis would be re-assessed.

Three differentiating features between bereavement and major depression are 1) length of time (if symptoms persist more than six months, a new diagnosis is considered) 2) an event, usually the death of someone close to the person and 3) loss of self esteem (if there does not appear to be loss of self esteem, then the diagnosis is more likely to be bereavement, as depressed people usually also suffer a lack of self esteem.)

One of the handouts we have been given when treating clients with depression, and it was suggested it may be helpful in the client's recovery is a list of things the client can do to help themselves recover-- I don't have the list with me, but the thing I remember most, is change their habits. Frequently what happens is a depressed client develops depressive habits-- around sleep, activity and food. The client is encouraged to change their habits in an effort towards recovery.

One of the reasons I like your blog, is because my personal belief is we do have a choice in the matter, and I like reading about happy people and people who make efforts toward their own well-being.
(also, apologies if someone already made comments along these lines-- I tend not to read comments)

[Sarah]

I just read an article by Garrison Keillor that seemed like a kindred spirit to your "How Not to Be Happy" post: http://www.salon.com/opinion/feature/2007/04/04/keillor/index.html?source=rss

[Craig Jenson]

Someone who enjoys all the perks and opportunities afforded those who are attractive, like you, will never understand true unhappiness and depression. You wouldn't trade your looks for anything, would you? No.

[Moggymania]

As someone that is one of the few people like me (Autistic) that actually *is* happy, and that has also suffered severe suicidal depression, I agree. (Note: my depression was because I tried to look like a non-Autistic. I like being what I am.)

There's something I would like you to consider, though. There are some people (including Autistics) that are made happy by very different things, and stressed by activities that please others. Trying to force ourselves into that other mold, or refrain from doing (non-harmful) things that bring joy, is a quick road to misery. Doesn't matter what most other people enjoy doing or natively don't do.

That might seem obvious, and it always did to me, but it's evidently not to everyone else, given the depression among Auties. Most of us are raised to do what others do, regardless of how uncomfortable/miserable it makes us feel, and to refrain from anything they don't, no matter how much we need it. This mimicking others is seen as "more functional" than living a happy life, even if we can do more as ourselves.

The reason I was moved to convey this is because your post sparked the memory of a poem by another Autistic woman, Patti Shepard, which I'll put below:

"Let's Pretend..."

Let's Pretend like I'm just like everybody else. No matter what my feelings/senses tell me otherwise.

Let's Pretend that I like drinking and socializing no matter how I'm screaming on the inside, "This is not what I am like...I'm not like anyone here" and no matter how my head is throbbing from all the noise and seeming chaos around me.

Let's Pretend I can keep up with all of the social politics that are constantly going on around me at work and when I screw up and it's noticed by my "friends," let's pretend it's because I'm just hung over from the night before when we were out at the clubs.

Let's pretend that I'm not on the outside looking in at these people I call my friends. My friends that expect me to continue on with "my act of being normal." To continue to be their "clown" because sometimes I just don't understand what the heck they're talking about so I say something stupid and then when they laugh at me, I laugh with them.

Let's just keep pretending through all of the abuse, being lied to, the confusion of betrayal and the pain and then someday, when it's time to go home.....let me pretend one more time with a smile on my face that I'm so very happy....and after I say my goodbyes and close the door...let me enter the bathroom where the razors are kept
surely they can cut no deeper than the pain of pretending to be who I am not
let me use them as a way to stop my pain that I have kept so secret... and pretend no more.

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(Anyone interested can read more on the topic at http://del.icio.us/autistic_moggy -- it's a mess, but best I have for now.)

[jono]

when you are older you will find happiness, i am sure. (: