I realize that I need to do some more thinking about happiness and GUILT.

I’ve decided that I need to do some more research on guilt.

According to my ground-breaking happiness formula, to think about happiness, we need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

The Happiness Project showed me that in my case, to boost my happiness, I needed to do a lot of work in the “feeling bad” category. I needed to figure out how to feel less anger, irritation, remorse, boredom, anxiety, etc.

And, of course, less guilt.

I recently read that a study divided guilt into two categories:
o Breaches in SELF-REGULATION -- procrastinating, overeating, drinking too much, spending too much, not exercising
o Breaches in COMMITMENTS – sexual cheating, not spending enough time on friends or family

But aren’t there other kinds of guilt? Some people feel guilty for living in comfort and safety when others are suffering. Maybe that’s the second category, “commitments”– you feel that you’re not doing enough to alleviate the world’s pain.

I have absolutely found that one reason that my Happiness Project has made me happier is that I’ve worked hard to fix aspects of my life that were causing me guilt – everything from remembering friends’ birthdays, to doing weight-training, to giving up those fake Nutritious Creations cookies I loved, to quitting nagging the Big Man, to starting the morning by singing to my daughters instead of barking orders.

When I eliminate a source of “feeling bad,” often it doesn’t show up in my day as a source of “feeling good,” but it lifts up my experience of my life, because I’m not beset by constant pricks of conscience. It also makes me "feel right" about how I'm behaving.

Sometimes, though, my actions do make me “feel good.” It makes me happy to send a “happy birthday” email and get a response back from a friend. It makes me happy to have a more pleasant, cheerful morning. So not only is “feeling bad” removed, “feeling good” is added.

That’s the way to get more bang for the happiness buck. Find something that’s making you feel guilty, and find a way to make it a source of happiness.

Also, I keep reminding myself, “Make it easy to do right.” For example, because I really dislike making phone calls, I don’t try to make myself call friends or family, because I’ll just procrastinate – but I have started sending many more emails.

Guilt. Why had I not yet focused on this rich (in painful) vein of material?

*
I am a big fan of PostSecret. People write their secrets on postcards, decorated however they like, and mail them in to be posted on line. I was intrigued enough to buy the book.

Two "secrets" stuck in my mind. One was a photo of a small china piggy bank beside the handwritten words, "if i had a million dollars, i would give it all away for one more day with her like it used to be in the beginning."

The second was a picture of a woman's hands holding up a sign, "Psst, here's a secret...your last mortal thought will be, 'Why did I take so many days -- just like today -- for granted?"

Comments

[Cara]

Ah, guilt. Such a complex topic! One issue that I haven't seen addressed is feeling guilty about being happy (how warped is that?). I find that doing POSITIVE things in my life (eating right, sleeping enough, exercising, engaging in creative activities, etc.) induces lots of guilt in me because my inner critic sneers, "What right do you have to enjoy yourself? What right do you have to be happy when there are so many unhappy people around you? You should be doing something productive. And for pete's sake, stop smiling!" So in my experience, at least, guilt is a horrible gauge of regulating my behavior because if I gave in to it, I would keep any joy I felt inside under wraps, never take care of myself, and be a workaholic. Tough battle.

[MJ]

There is also a worse kind of guilt imposed by third parties (the "Catholic guilt" and "Jewish guilt" that various friends of mine have complained of over the years, or the "parental guilt" so popular with high achievers). I'm not entirely sure of the basis of all of it - original sin might be a good guess for the Catholic flavor (?), just as vicarious living or unrealistic expectations might be the source of parental guilt (when you are apologizing for being successful, because that isn't good enough, because mom and dad really wanted you to be president by 35 too, or to get all A+s and not just As and A+s, then you may not be dealing with your own commitment or regulation issues).

To second Cara, how do we deal with the guilt that may not be about our own failings, but external teachings we have not yet rejected (or unrealistic demands that are more about the demander than about us)? I've felt the "how dare you enjoy yourself" guilt too and I think that it is not about me so much as an idea I've internalized about enjoyment = bad, toil = good (hello, Puritans).

I also wonder if the "guilty every day because you aren't good enough" feeling that seems common enough in the US isn't a fixable manifestation of depression.

[Sharyn]

This is a little random, but it's because you mentioned a "rich vein of material".

Have you thought about how a sense of "freedom" - in many varied forms - relates to happiness? When my son told me that flying was so wonderful because it gave him such a sense of freedom, then someone else was passionate about sailing, for the same reason, then my Dad told me he was so happy when he finally got a yard service to keep his grass mowed and he felt so free to be no longer burdened with that job - I started thinking about that connection. The money/happiness thing can certainly be explained, at least partially, as money can buy freedom from all kinds of things, or freedom to do all kinds of things. Many people long for the "freedom" of finally retiring from their job. For that matter, it sounds like "freedom from guilt" is another angle on happiness.

So, I've started considering happiness from a "freedom" point of view.

And about "Third Party Guilt" (above comment) - I think that nine times out of ten, that's just someone trying to control someone else.

[Jessica]

Some guilt is good, of course. Feeling guilt because you just cheated, killed, or robbed someone is appropriate, and needed to regulate society. Irrational guilt of course we should strive to eliminate. However, I think the key is to eliminate rational guilt by doing right.

[jennifer ramos]

Hi Gretchen,
Thanks for all these great posts, i enjoyed all that i had time to read. I love it and would love to add you to my blog. Can we exchange links..?
All the best,
JR

http://madebygirl.blogspot.com/
www.madebygirl.com

[keely_ellen_marie]

Reply to earlier comment...
"Catholic guilt" and "parental guilt"--as an ex-overachieving ex-catholic 18 year old, I could tell you a lot about both.

Catholic guilt comes largely from the fact that the catholic church designates many very normal things as "sinful." You get to the point where you wonder about everything you do--is it wrong? I suppose lots of religions do something similar, what makes us catholics weird is that we seem to have embraced it. There are many things that the church officially opposes that many catholics do--its as if, as long as we feel guilty about it, we're not that bad of people. Thats my view on it anyhow. Not every catholic feels the same way certainly, but I've known enough catholics to know it does happen fairly often.

The parental guilt things is as complicated, if not more so. It can be started by pushy parents, but it can also happen when the parents really do mean well, like it did to me. I was a successful kid. First my parents were excited by it. Then they got used to it. After awhile, I rarely got praised for things like straight A's because they were commonplace. I had to work harder and harder just to be noticed. I sound like a whiny brat, but this can get serious. I got wound so tight that anything less than perfect just buried me in guilt.

The worst part about both kinds of guilt is that they rarely stay "external" sources of guilt. Often they get internalized to the point that you don't need any nagging to feel guilty... its just always there. I know people who have lived with it for ages before they even realize that they are feeling guilty about things they don't even care about.

[Jim Batterson]

Enjoy your whole blog although it is hard to imagine two people more unalike than the two of us.

I think you would enjoy this talk given by Tal Ben-Shahar, Harvard Psychology Instructor, speaking at the Boston Museum of Science on Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness. Link:

http://forum.wgbh.org/wgbh/forum.php?lecture_id=3283

[Adriana]

Re: parental guilt/Religious or Institutional guilt

At what point do we step back and take a good perspective of how we're responding to those external forces that are "imposing" guilt on us? I am a Catholic, still practicing, and my job is directly related to both--the Church and church. Sure, as Keely mentions, lots of Catholics behave in ways and manners that the institutional Church would shake their proverbial fingers at. However, since the Second Vatican Council, the Church recognizes that when all is said and done, each person is alone with God in their conscience. So, at some point, we have to "grow up" and take responsibility for our own behaviours--we have to recognize how other's behaviours are affecting us and adapt accordingly. This is where I think Gretchen's blog becomes invaluable--she's bringing to the conversation the myriad of ways we can change our ineffective patterns of behaving and override the internal recording with something more effective and healthy.

This goes for the parental induced guilt as well.

[Janice]

Hi Gretchen

Wonderful post and I'm very interested in the outcome (results) of your Happiness Project.

In the context of Law Of Attraction (watched The Secret DVD just 2 weeks ago), as mentioned in a report of an interview given by Bob Protor, he mentioned that gratitude is an attitude, and attitude is our thoughts, our feelings and actions.

Hence, when we feel grateful of what we already have, we also invoke the feelings of joy and happiness... just my personal observation ;)

BTW, I'm new to the Blogosphere (think that what's it being termed) and came to realize that there's so much to learn about blogging..

Cheers
Janice

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