Twelve Personal Commandments

Four Splendid Truths

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What Started Me Thinking

  • "The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up." Mark Twain
  • “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Robert Louis Stevenson
  • "Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
  • “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” Simone Weil
  • “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” Colette
  • “It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” G. K. Chesterton
  • “A man’s first care should be to avoid the reproaches of his own heart.” Joseph Addison
  • “Best is good. Better is best.” Lisa Grunwald
  • “Order is Heaven’s first law.” Alexander Pope

Happiness Theories I Reject

  • Flaubert: "To be stupid, and selfish, and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness; though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."
  • Vauvenargues: “There are men who are happy without knowing it.”
  • Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
  • Sartre: "Hell is other people."
  • Willa Cather: “One cannot divine nor forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them…”
  • Alexander Smith: “We are never happy; we can only remember that we were so once.”
  • John Stuart Mill: “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.”

I'm trying to boost my happiness by being more enthusiastic.

My father is an unusually cheery person, and he enthusiastically embraces any proposed plan—and what’s more, he’s also willing to pitch in whenever someone says, “We’re going to make Swedish cookies this afternoon. Will you go to the store to pick up some eggs?” or “We’re out of batteries for the toy vacuum. Will you go to Costco?”

I’ve always taken this aspect of his character for granted (though my work on the Happiness Project has helped me start to appreciate it), but lately I keep thinking about a seemingly unremarkable conversation between my parents when we were home for Christmas.

“We’re having pizza for dinner,” my mother told my father when he walked in the door after work.

“Wonderful! Wonderful!” my father answered immediately. “That sounds great. Do you want me to go pick it up?”

I’m trying to adopt that attitude. When the Big Man makes a suggestion, like “Let’s go out for lunch,” or “How about going to the park this afternoon?” I’m trying to answer with an eager “Great idea!” and “How can I help?” instead of tepid “Okay” or “Sure” or “If you want.”

Enthusiasm is a source of energy, and by not responding with enthusiasm, I’m draining energy out of the moment.

By nature, I think I’m a pretty low-enthusiasm person. I don’t much like adventure, or inconvenience, or novelty, or even being too hot or too cold. Nevertheless, I’m trying to remember my commandment to “Act as I would feel.” And it does work—by acting more enthusiastic, I begin to feel more enthusiastic.

Also, because enthusiasm is catching, when the Big Man and I both act enthusiastic, our two girls start acting more enthusiastic, too. And it’s just much more fun to live in that atmosphere than in an atmosphere of, “Well, if you want, I guess we could…”

*
I like checking out Penelope Trunk's blog Brazen Careerist, so I was curious to read her new book of the same name. The book, like her blog, is written in a snappy, conversational style -- and is quite funny.

I'm particularly interested in her work, because she incorporates a lot of the happiness studies. She actually picked up and moved to Madison, Wisconsin, because the research predicted that she'd be happier there. That shows a real dedication to living by your own advice. I was impressed with myself when I did the five-day drawing course, just eight subways stops from my apartment.

Some of her more provocative arguments: "Being likeable matters more than being competent," "Blame yourself first," "Don't be supportive," "How to manage a boomer boss," "A messy desk makes you look incompetent," "Use harassment to boost your career," "Typecast yourself." A lot of these are counter-intuitive, which is what makes them interesting -- you have to read the book before you can decide whether you disagree.


Posted May 7, 2007

Comments

What an inspiring post, Gretchen! Your dad sounds like a wonderful person ... no wonder you turned out so great. :)

I think I'm a generally positive person and can be very enthusiastic at times, but other times I might need to remember your story about your dad and your pizza. Thank you for that.

Posted by: Leo | May 07, 2007 at 10:43 PM

Good post. I've changed my way of looking at life after reading Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" and his quote of "Live life as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to do now."

I think of that if I'm ever less than enthusiatic with someone coming to me with a proposition (ie "let's go out to dinner"). What would happen if I was just my usual low-enthusiasm self? Would I like seeing that in retrospect?

Posted by: Chris | May 08, 2007 at 12:45 AM

My father is one of those types too. My sister refers to him as a Tigger.

"Dad, can you help with my garden?"

"Ooh! Tiggers like gardens!"

"Oh wait, we can't. It's raining."

"We can go look at antique stores. Tiggers like antiques!"

It's wonderful to be around.

Posted by: Alex Fayle | May 08, 2007 at 02:28 AM

May Tigger be an inspiration for us all. It's easy to tease that kind of person -- but try it for a day, right? It takes a lot of energy and discipline to maintain that level of enthuasiasm, even for people naturally inclined that way.

Anyone who hasn't read Frankl's MAN SEARCH FOR MEANING should run right out and get a copy. An astonishingly good book.

Posted by: Gretchen Rubin | May 08, 2007 at 09:18 AM

"Act as I would feel" is the best advise I've heard all day!

It's too easy to mindlessly let how you feel control what you choose to do instead of the other way around.

Posted by: Erik | May 08, 2007 at 09:32 AM

The "Tigger" model is delightful. To be enthusiastic in that way really requires a person to be flexible, though. Some one who's not flexible (and the worst of that is control freak-ism, which I often struggle with) really has to stretch themselves to be eager to embrace what someone else suggests, on short notice. Stretching is what make you flexible, though!!

Posted by: sharyn | May 08, 2007 at 12:22 PM

Hi, Gretchen. Great topic.

Here's a post about how "acting as if" actually changes your brain and body chemistry:

http://westallen.typepad.com/idealawg/2007/04/selfleadership_.html

There is also an interview there about what happened to Leonardo DiCaprio during the filming of _The Aviator.

Posted by: StephanieWestAllen | May 08, 2007 at 01:34 PM

Gretchen, you may already know this, but "Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill" is the featured book today in the page-a-day Book Lover's Calendar (Workman Publishing). Thought you might find that a fun tidbit.

Posted by: Laura C. | May 08, 2007 at 01:45 PM

Zoikes! I had no idea about FORTY WAYS being featured! How nice to hear that. I really appreciate your taking the time to let me know. I hope your good deed makes YOU feel very happy.

Ah, it makes me happy just to think about that book...I loved writing it so much.

Posted by: Gretchen Rubin | May 08, 2007 at 03:47 PM

My woman and I enjoyed this entry quite a bit -- Something I've noticed is how walking the dog (for instance) when asked is less unpleasant than the resulting impasse if I respond, "Aw... I walked her last night. Won't you?"

Also: This is very reminiscent of the improv idea of "Yes, and..." the idea that, in a scene, one should accept every offer.

As you can imagine, plenty of improvisers have found that such a rule works well in life, as well. C.f. http://tgimworklife.wordpress.com/2007/02/13/second-city-improv-taught-me-to-yes-and/

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Gretchen RubinGretchen Rubin is the best-selling writer whose book, The Happiness Project, is the account of the year she spent test-driving studies and theories about how to be happier. Here, she shares her insights to help you create your own happiness project.

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