This Wedneday: Six tips for how to FIGHT RIGHT in front of children.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six tips for how to fight right in front of children.

Every couple fights.

Research shows that these conflicts fall into two categories: those that can be solved, like what movie to see on Saturday night, and those that can’t be solved, like how to spend money. Unfortunately, almost 70% of conflicts fall into the irresolvable category.

Since we know we’re going to fight, it’s important to learn to fight right. Studies reveal that how a couple fights matters more to the health of their relationship than how much they fight.

A couple with children has an additional pressure on their fighting style, because they owe it to their kids to maintain a certain level of civility, even if they’d take a no-holds-barred approach in private.

Here are some tips about how to fight right in front of children:

1. Don’t get physical -- obviously, not hitting, but also no throwing things, breaking things, or slamming doors.

2. Don’t criticize your spouse with sweeping generalizations, like “Your father never thinks about anyone but himself.” Instead, criticize specific actions, like “It really annoys me when your mother forgets to put gas in the car.”

3. Children are highly attuned to their parents. Don’t think they won’t notice the "silent treatment.”

4. Don’t ask your kids to tattle on a parent, or to choose a side.

5. Don’t expose your kids to inappropriate information about finances, sex, previous behavior, job worries, etc.

6. Obviously, sometimes you will fight in front of your kids. Try to do so only if you’re going to resolve the fight in that conversation. That way, you show your kids that people can fight and come to resolution.

Even better – and I’m making a big effort to do this when I fight with the Big Man when our children are around – is to joke around and be affectionate, even during a fight. This is practically impossible, but when I can manage, it makes fighting much more pleasant for me and the Big Man, as well as for our daughters.

Comments

[Maria Helm]

Good rules to follow. I would also add:

7. Follow up.
We always make a point to tell our children afterward that Mom & Dad still love each other, **and them**. We don't have to always agree in order to love each other. He points out that they fight with each other, too, but that doesn't mean they stop being brothers and loving each other. (In fact, it's practically part of the definition of being brothers, but that's another story...)

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, excellent point. The kids don't have to believe that you NEVER FIGHT, but rather, that fighting isn't a threat to love and security.

[Betsey]

I might add that it may be more appropriate to direct your comment directly to your spouse, ie "It really annoys me when YOU forget to put gas in the car” rather than “It really annoys me when YOUR MOTHER forgets to put gas in the car.” The latter, spoken to the child, subtly asks her to take your side of the argument. Plus it's good for children to see how direct confrontations might be resolved (as you mentioned), rather than the minor pleasure that a rant brings.

Nice blog, by the way. And good idea for a post.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, yes, yes. I was thinking about how to handle it when you just can't bite those critical comments back. But you're absolutely right, much better to talk to your spouse about the problem and not put your kids in the middle. very important point.

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[Julia]

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[Michael]

Recently, I've started announcing "starting" and "ending" times when my (reluctant) partner and I "talk about our relationship" which is our equivalent of fighting. I start off by saying, "We're going to discuss something, and then we'll finish discussing it." And then I make sure to announce when we're done. (Since I'm the one who wants to talk and he doesn't, I'm always the one who ends up officially ending it.) This is sort of an "all clear" signal that we can go back to being normal, regardless of the outcome of the fight. And since you're right that most fights are irresolvable, it's good to be able to end the discussion (at least for that night).

[Hanna]

how sad that this has to be adressed at all. do you spank your children? it is totally forbidden in sweden but I just saw a program on TV about spanking in GB, and everyone thought it was necisarry. makes me cringe!

[Gerhi]

We have found that our children, especially our eldest (2 and a half) feel responsible for our stresses. I have started talking to him after me and my wife have had a 'serious' discussion.
I would sit him down and say to him that we talk about serious things in a serious way and that we still love each other. But more importantly I tell him that he does not have to feel responsible for us. That the problems we discuss are our problems and that we will carry them.
It is amazing when you do this and you can see the stress leaving his body. It takes only a minute to do and you can't belabour the point.
We too easily forget how much our children can pick up intuitively and subconciously.

[phquaryn]

I don't have kids, but I love the idea of staying affectionate and joking around during a fight. It would be cool if adult friends wouldn't fight with their spouses in front of their other adult friends, too. Talk about uncomfortable.

[Christian]

Hi Gretchen,
first of all congratulations to your blog. A good place on the web!
Just one remark for this post: The title of your post is "how to" but I noticed that what you describe is all "how NOT to" ;-)
Well, now that we know what 6 things are NOT good, it would help if you could make some points that DO work well in such a situation. Gerhi, Michael and Maria have made some interesting points. Let's come up with all this summed up in the "real" How-to" list!

[Eren]

Hi there,
I like your blog but i just don't think that we should "fight" in front of kids.
Even though it is natural to have disagreements --a home with constant disagreements can make the child feel insecure.
They can know that you have had a disagreement but it should not be in front of them in my opinion.
The other thing is that statistic that 70% of problems are not solvable? Hmmmm- that is very weird because i have been married for 12 years and all of our disagreements (even though some took longer than others)but all of our disagreements have always been solved. We just spend a looot of time every week talking out our ideas and helping each other out.
I guess every marriage is different. I do like your tips about not getting physical and respecting limits as to what we should say.We have had those boundaries ever since we got married.
Blessings,
Eren

[Joseph Kempton]

If anyone thinks kids aren't aware of our fights... well, they are. I disagree with Point 6, that suggests we should allow the kids to see us fight only when we foresee a resolution during that particular episode.

The reason I disagree is that if we were successful in this, then kids would learn that every fight they have ever witnessed is resolvable, they would never be able to observe how their parents work with each other for the other "70%" of the disagreements.

This would leave the children with unrealistic expectations for their own future fights and when they fail, I suspect it could lead to significant self doubt. The line of reasoning being, "mom and dad worked everything out... and here am I, unable to resolve even Half of my disagreements!"

As suggested in my opening sentence, I don't believe we should hide disagreements, arguments, and fights from our kids. They are aware of them no matter what you may think. I am not suggesting we should invite the children to any that might arise, however if it does occur in their presence, then we should remain aware that we are demonstrating to them the best behaviour.

Allowing the children to witness all types of disagreements provides several benefits. We give them a realistic view, that some issues are resolved in one session, some perhaps in several sessions.. and some never do reach a resolution even when they are ongoing.

Another benefit of allowing the children to be present can be found when we keep their presence in our awareness as we fight. Just like a kid might behave much better when Dad is in the room, Dad should behave much better when the kid is in the room.

By allowing our kids to witness some of our fights, no matter what we might predict for the outcome, we not only have the opportunity to provide good modeling from which they can learn - we can also give ourselves an incentive for better self control and civility towards each other as we work things out.