This Wednesday: Six dodges for pretending that you're not gossiping, when you really are.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six dodges for pretending that you’re not gossiping, when you really are.

I’d never considered gossiping one of my particular faults. Sure, from time to time I said something behind someone’s back, but not often. Right? Wrong.

As so often happens with the Happiness Project, it was only when I made a point to quit this bad habit that I realized how ingrained it was.

By “gossip,” I mean “making unkind remarks behind the back of someone I know.” Saying, “Paris Hilton is trashy” doesn’t count as gossip, and saying “Elizabeth Craft is a brilliant TV writer” doesn’t count.

We all know that we shouldn’t gossip, so sometimes we try to disguise the fact that that’s what we’re doing. Here are some common dodges I know I’ve used to justify gossip:

1.“I’m just concerned.”
“I’m worried about her, she seems unhappy, I wonder if she got a bad evaluation.” “Those two never seem to do anything together, I hope their marriage isn’t in trouble.”

2. “I’m thoughtfully analyzing to my friend’s character.”
“Do you think he’s so arrogant because his mother pushed him so hard as a child?” “Do you think she spends so much money on clothes because she feels some kind of lack in her life?”

3. “I’m entitled to my opinion.”
“That party was too lavish for a bunch of six-year-olds.” “The hors d’oeuvres were terrible.” “He’s such a pompous bore.”

4. “I’m passing along information that a lot of people already know.”
“They’re fighting over custody.” “He’s gained at least twenty pounds.”

5. “I’m just relaying a conversation.”
“He said, ‘I’m thinking about quitting,’ and I said, ‘Can you afford to quit?’ and he said….” “She told me that they spent more than $10,000…”

6. “I’m not gossiping, you are.”
“So what did you think of what she was wearing?” “Did the CEO think they bombed the presentation?”

Here’s the test of whether something is gossip or not: if I wouldn’t want the person who's the subject of the conversation to overhear what I’m saying, I shouldn’t be saying it.

Research shows that gossip is actually an important social force. It strengthens social bonds; it’s a mechanism for the formulation and enforcement of values; it provides punishment for wrongdoers.

I’m sure that’s true. Gossiping really does make you feel closer to the people with whom you’re gossiping. And by talking about other people’s actions, you get a clearer sense of people’s values. There are occasions when gossip is appropriate. But often it’s just rude, two-faced, and mean-spirited.

Since I’ve cut down on gossiping (I can’t claim to have quit), I’ve noticed a change in myself that I didn’t expect: I feel less paranoid that people might be angry at me, or that I’ve done something wrong. I feel kinder and gentler. I feel less judgmental.

I did carve out a marital exception, and I’ll still say gossipy things to the Big Man that I wouldn’t say to anyone else. Is that progress?

This post was hard to write, because I’m ashamed to admit to gossiping. Maybe this confession will help me stick to my resolution.

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I get a kick out of the blog Communicatrix. It's hard to describe what it's about, exactly...it has a strong sensibility, it's very funny, it's fun to look at the pictures, that's good enough for me.

Comments

[Marc]

I guess it could be true that gossiping strengthens bonds between some individuals. Whenever someone tries to gossip with me, though, I just wonder what they're saying about me when I'm not around.

[StephanieWestAllen]

A couple of links for you. First a gossip quiz:

http://www.endgossip.com/quiz.html

And the reverse gossip game:

http://www.burg.com/reversegossip.html

[Cara]

Another great post! I'm torn on the marital exception as well because my DH loves to gossip about other people. If I imposed a "no gossip" rule at home, we wouldn't talk! I tried doing a "no complaining" rule, and he nearly exploded because he said he simply can't stop and feels no need to stop venting. So I continue to work on myself and not worry about whether DH participates in my own happiness project.

[TasterSpoon]

Your list of dodges was hilarious. I really enjoyed this post.

Yeah, gossip is touchy, because it does simultaneously bond the gossipers and make the gossipers' characters look questionable to even the other gossipers.

Your rule of thumb is good, and if you make a practice of never gossipping, you'll actually be astounded when someone does.

But man, a great outlet is celebrity gossip. It lets you give that catty part of yourself a little play and you feel deliciously wicked. But the celebrity will never hear of it and frankly doesn't care.

[sylrayj]

This is a tough one. When you need to be confident with another's abilities, so you can set them a task that they can complete and that they will enjoy, it's important to discuss their performance. But when they've performed poorly, disappointingly so, it's hard to not slight them in the conversation. I'll have to look at this more closely.

[Charlotte]

Delighted to have found your blog. My theory is that gossip hurts the gossiper more than it hurts the gossipee. I'm sure that people who gossip are less happy than people who don't.

[Michelle I]

Quite timely for me because I, too, have been trying to make an effort to stop gossiping. I really don't think it should count if you only gossip to your spouse--especially if that information stops there and isn't spread.
I have to say I'm quite proud of myself for recently taking the high road when baited to gossip. Here's what went down: I'm getting my nails done with some girlfriends when one of them declared, "I just want to say that I do not like Ms. So&So." I also do not like Ms. So&So very much but simply replied, "I'm not going to say anything b/c I can't add anything to this discussion." Oila! I'm free of incriminating myself if anything should get back to Ms. So&So, but the other girl also knows we share a similar view without saying so explicitly. By the way, this was VERY hard for me to do because I've been wondering what others thought of her for quite a long time!!!
For me, it's a step in the right direction but I still have lots more to learn. Your post will help to keep me honest.
I haven't had as much time to read online lately but coming back reminds me of how much I love your blog!!!

[Kstyle]

I reall think endomorphins must be involved in gossip or we wouldn't be so drawn to it. But it's sort of a fleeting high and I always feel bad after. k

[Gretchen Rubin]

Why IS it so much fun to gossip? It really is quite hard to resist, it's so delicious and fascinating. But quite right -- even as we're building bonds with others through gossiping, we're all undermining ourselves in our own eyes!

[adora]

Don't worry about it. EVERYBODY gossips. Gossiping allow us to share our views and values without being judged ourselves. Also let the listener know, "I trust you enough to let you know this..." or "I'd like to know what you think..." without digging our own secrets.

I suffered terribly from gossips when I was in college. A "friend" ran around telling rumours about me to even those that I have not even met. Some people gave me dirty looks without finding out the truth, others bother to find out the true. Those who found out the truth were extremely angry about her. While she seems cheerful and always surrounded by a lot of friends, she doesn't have any true friend.

My point is: while sharing gossips may strengthen relationship, it can also hurt. Now I'm be very careful with people who tells me too much gossips - what if they tell others about me?

[Nuwanda]

My mother is my non-gossipy role model. Her friends would call her w/ gossip and she would listen but never pass it on. It ended with her. And quite commonly she would turn the gossip around and play the "put yourself in someone else's shoes" game. It left a serious impression on me.
The thing about gossipers is that you never trust them. If they are talking bad to me about someone else behind their back, they probably talk bad about me too. I strategically keep my distance from these types. Life is too short.

[Michele]

In my lifetime I have found myself guilty of all six! My Grandmother always said "Never say something behind someone's back that you wouldn't say to their face". I'd say that pretty much sums it up.

[juliet]

Wow. What a great posting. I didn't think of myself as a gossip. But I really am. Funny how I was fooling myself. It's going to be hard to stop. The examples you gave were great.

[David Andersson]

I don't know if this applies more to guys, but... I still remember one day when I was 14 years old thinking about this very topic. I concluded that the one's I'm gossiping about, they are people that very likely are feeling the same way towards me.

So, say I am gossiping about my acquintance Martin, it's probably because he irritates me in one way or another, or that we just do not get along. I don't like him, and he probably doesn't like me. Then I am okay with him gossiping about me. Ain't it so?

When having discussed this with my female friends I've realised that they often have a different view. Other guys, I often find them easier to both have an argument with, and at the same time being friends with. We disagree, and we both know we disagree, but it stays there. We can still play soccer or help each other out if we get a flat tire -- Even though we both now we're not "real" friends. Whereas girls, relations quickly become more complex.

[clkl]

You are very wise. Avoiding gossip is a vital part of achieving happiness.

[Tomas]

Great post, Gretchen.

What's interesting is that these are same dodges that "upscale" newspapers like the New York Times use when they want to run stories like "David Hasselhoff is A Fat Drunk."

[Sandra]

Someone once told me...if you gossip *with* me...you'll gossip *about* me; so don't do it. It's wrong, everyone knows it's wrong and it only makes us look like jackasses. Mean ones at that.

When someone tells me some tidbit of gossip that has, supposedly, been said about me...I like to say, "OH! She "seems" like such a nice person too!" What I'd like to do is make her eat her heart but then I remember the times I've repeated something I shouldn't have. Guilt has a way of keeping me/us straight...hopefully.

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