The Happiness Project

This Saturday: a happiness quotation from Anne Lamott.

“But about a month before my friend Pammy died, she said something that may have permanently changed me.
"We had gone shopping for a dress for me to wear that night to a nightclub with the man I was seeing at the time. Pammy was in a wheelchair, wearing her Queen Mum wig, the Easy Rider look in her eyes. I tried on a lavender minidress, which is not my usual style. I tend to wear big, baggy clothes. People used to tell me I dressed like John Goodman. Anyway, the dress fit perfectly, and I came out to model it for her. I stood there feeling very shy and self-conscious and pleased. Then I said, 'Do you think it makes my hips look too big?' and she said to me slowly, 'Annie? I really don’t think you have that kind of time.'

--Anne Lamott

Why is it hard to throw something away, even if it has outlived its usefulness?

Well, I did it.

I had a white button-down shirt that I loved. I didn’t often have an occasion to wear it, but when I did, I loved it.

But a few months ago, when I put it on for the first time in a while, I wasn’t sure I liked it anymore. The shoulders seemed odd. I noticed that the white color was a bit off. And it looked like it might have a tiny stain.

Would anyone notice but me? Probably not, I figured – but I took off the shirt anyway.

A month later, I put it on – and took it off.

Last night, I put it on – and took it off. And then I GOT RID OF IT. I didn’t hang it up in my closet. I didn’t pretend that I'd wear it “next time,” or that I’d wear it under a jacket. I have another perfectly good white shirt, I’ll wear that one. The old shirt is going out the door.

One of my Twelve Commandments is “Spend out.” It reminds me of two goals: first, don’t “save” my favorite things, but use them up; and second, when something is broken, get rid of it.

Why? Because if I have something that I love, in perfect condition, but that I never use – that’s clutter. And if I have something that once worked, but now isn’t working, that I never use – that’s clutter.

It’s satisfying to have my one remaining button-down white shirt. Now I’ll wear it, I’ll use it up, I’ll let it go.

I’m always surprised by what a happiness boost I get from clearing clutter. It always cheers me up to pare down.

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The profession of "cool-hunter" intrigues me, perhaps because I suffer from such a lack of cool that I can count on the fact that by the time I've noticed a trend, it's over. My mother, by contrast, is a natural cool-hunter. I stumbled across the site Trend Hunter, aimed at cool-hunting, and I spent a suprising amount of time looking at all the stuff -- not that it's all "cool," but I came away impressed by people's ingenuity.

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Studies show that gratitude is a key to happiness, and I'm grateful for ELECTRICITY.

Yesterday afternoon, as I was psyching myself up to do a half-hour stint on a radio show, the power went out. The building alarm started blaring, so I knew it wasn't just our apartment. I was wondering how to figure out if other buildings were affected, when I looked out the back window and noticed that dozens of people in other buildings were opening their windows and looking out. So it didn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that this was a neighborhood problem.

We New Yorkers are a slightly skittish bunch these days. The power goes out, and we fear the worst. My mother-in-law gets a gold star for having given us a battery-operated radio and a set of batteries; I grabbed the radio, popped in the batteries, and turned on an all-news radio station.

They were talking about the humidity level, so I figured no major disaster had struck. Then I learned that parts of Manhattan and the Bronx were dark.

The power was out for about an hour, and boy was I HAPPY when it came back on. The phones! The gas stove! The subways! The air-conditioning! My computer! (though I still don't have any internet; I'm posting this from the library). Not to mention the most important fact: the black-out was nothing more than an ordinary loss of service.

Because of the "hedonic treadmill," we quickly adapt to our life circumstances, so it's easy to take even major comforts--like electricity--for granted. One cure for the hedonic treadmill is deprivation; deprive yourself of your comforts for a time, and you'll appreciate them anew when you experience them again. (This is one reason that camping is fun.)

It took just one hour without electricity to mean that I received a major boost of gratitude and happiness when the electricity came roaring back on.

This Wednesday: Seven tips for making someone like you.

This Wednesday: Seven tips for making someone like you.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips for making someone like you.

Well, no. You can't actually MAKE someone like you. But you can behave in ways that will make it slightly more likely.

We all want to feel that other people like us, that they seek our company, that they enjoy being with us. Having close relationships is one of the most meaningful elements to happiness. Also, social contact brings a big boost in mood—for extroverts and introverts alike (surprising though this may seem).

To form a friendship, you must like someone. But you must also be likeable.

How can you boost the chances that someone will like you? Here are seven strategies to keep in mind:

1. Smile. No, this doesn’t come as shock, but studies do show that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct impact on how friendly you’re perceived to be.

2. Be easily impressed, entertained, and interested. Most people get more pleasure from wowing you with their humor and insight than from being wowed by your humor and insight.

3. Have a friendly, open, engaged demeanor. Lean toward people, nod, say “Uh-huh,” turn your body to face the other person’s body. Don’t turn your body away, cross your arms, answer in monosyllables, or scan the room (or look at your Blackberry! I have seen this happen!) as the other person talks.

4. Remember trait transfer. In “trait transfer,” whatever you say about other people influences how people see you. If you describe a co-worker as brilliant and charismatic, your acquaintance will tend to associate you with those qualities. Conversely, if you describe a co-worker as arrogant and obnoxious, those traits will stick to you. So watch what you say.

5. Laugh at yourself. Showing vulnerability and a sense of humor make you more likable and approachable. However, don’t push this too self-deprecation too far – keep it light. You’ll make others uncomfortable if you run yourself down too much.

6. Radiate energy and good humor. Because of the phenomenon of “emotional contagion,” people catch the emotions of other people, and they prefer to catch an upbeat, energetic mood. Even if you pride yourself on your cynicism, biting humor, or general edginess, these qualities can be conveyed with warmth.

7. Show your liking for another person. We’re much more apt to like someone if we think that person likes us. Look for ways to signal that you enjoy a person’s company.

It’s particularly worth your effort to be your friendliest when you meet someone for the first time. Studies show that within ten minutes of meeting a new person, we decide how close a relationship we’ll have with that new acquaintance, and that in evaluating people, we weigh early information much more heavily than information acquired later.

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One of the joys of the internet is that it makes it so much easier to stay in contact with people who otherwise might have drifted out of sight. Through email and her great blog, The Flame Tree, I keep tabs on an old friend who is now living an adventurous life on the other side of the world.

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Make yourself happier by re-framing: reality doesn’t change, but your feelings do.

We all have little things that bother us more than they should, and one of those things for me is library fines.

Maybe it’s because I love libraries so much – I hate to feel that I’m not in good standing. Obviously, the librarians don’t glower at me just because I have an overdue book, but I feel as if they might. Also, it’s such a dumb way to waste money (at ten cents a day, it’s not a huge amount, but still).

I recently had some overdue books at my beloved New York Society Library. The three books were stacked up by the front door, ready to go, but I hadn’t been able to visit the library for several days.

Finally the day came when I could return them. Feeling guilty, I walked up the stairs with my stack, when it struck me, “Hey, this is the LIBRARY. If I pay a fine at Video Room on a late DVD, they just make a little more profit. If I pay a fine at the library, they have a little more money for books! I give money to this library every year; this is just another way of making a contribution.”

Of course, the good library citizen returns her books promptly. Others might be waiting. But realizing that I could re-frame the fines from “breaking library rules” and “money thrown away” to “giving money to the library” lightened my mood considerably.

(I recognize that this is an absurdly small thing to dwell on. But the fines really did bother me. And if nothing else, it’s a good example of the power of re-framing.)

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I came across an interesting post on Productivity 501 in which people wrote in to answer the question, "What is the single biggest way people waste time without even realizing it?" Now, you might think that READING a post on the topic of how people waste time might, itself, be considered a potential time-waster, but there was some really interesting commentary on how to make better use of time.

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A secret to happiness and love: PAY ATTENTION.

“I’ve decided to stop being so compulsive about going to the gym,” the Big Man remarked when we were at dinner with friends a few nights ago.

“Really?” I said in surprise. “I didn’t know that you thought of yourself as compulsive about going to the gym.” Though I do know that he hates to miss even one day.

The conversation shifted, so he didn’t say anything more, but I vowed to follow up on his comment. It’s a strange effect of marriage that certain kinds of confidences become much rarer; most married people know the experience of hearing your spouse make a startling revelation to some strangers you just met at a Parent Social.

In his book The Relationship Cure, preeminent marriage researcher John Gottman explains that the less people turn toward each other, the less satisfying their relationship.

One of the glories, and one of the drawbacks, of a long relationship is that people start to take each other for granted.

I’m trying to pay more attention to the Big Man – by putting down my book when he talk to me, instead of saying “Mmmm, hmmm” as I continue to read, by paying attention to his likes and dislikes, by doing little errands I notice that he needs done (like dropping off his shoes at the shoe repair place) even when they aren’t strictly “my” job.

I’m reminded, once again, of the line by Pierre Reverdy: “There is no love; there are only proofs of love.” An easy and obvious way to prove love is to pay attention. It’s harder than it sounds.

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One of my happiness hobbyhorses (zoikes, I'm going to hang on to that phrase!) is the importance of getting enough sleep, so I was very interested to read the post on the Ririan Project blog on that topic.

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This Saturday: a happiness quotation from Samuel Butler.

"One can bring no greater reproach against a man than to say that he does not set sufficient value upon pleasure, and there is no greater sign of a fool than the thinking that he can tell at once and easily what it is that pleases him. To know this is not easy, and how to extend our knowledge of it is the highest and the most neglected of all arts and branches of education." --Samuel Butler

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Here’s a quick, easy, free way to boost your happiness: get more SLEEP.

Last night, the Big Man and I went to sleep at 9:45 pm. This seemed preposterously early, but we were both so tired that we decided to turn off the light.

However, it occurred to me, 9:45 is not all that early. Usually we get up at 6:30 am. A bedtime of 10:00 pm means 8 ½ hours of sleep. The recommended amount for an adult is 8 hours – however, only 26% of adult Americans get that much sleep a night, down from 38% just six years ago.

Usually we go to sleep around 11:00 pm. That means we’re chronically underslept.

One common sleep problem is insomnia, but another common sleep problem is ignoring sleepiness to keep working, reading, cruising the internet, and TV channel surfing.

Studies show that people get accustomed to being sleep-deprived. At first, they notice the effect on their mood and alertness, but before long, they adjust to that state as normal. So even if you insist that you feel fine, if you got more sleep, you might feel a lot better.

I know, it’s hard to turn off the light. There’s so much to do, so much interesting information to absorb. But when I woke up this morning, feeling well-rested and energetic, before the alarm rang, I was very happy that I’d put down Prokosch's The Asiatics to go to sleep.

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Even more than getting more sleep, clearing clutter is one of my favorite ways to boost my happiness -- so I love the blog Unclutterer. Today's post, an interview with clutter expert Peter Walsh, was a fascinating discussion about the roots of clutter and how to tackle it.

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In which my friend's waitressing experience teaches me something about happiness.

A friend told me a story about the first summer she spent as a waitress.

Several times, she had tables of people who seemed really nice, with whom she had a great rapport, for whom she went the extra mile, and she’d think, “Wow, I’m going to get a great tip!”

And she wouldn’t.

Other times, she had tables of people who seemed indifferent or grouchy, and she’d think, “Wow, they’re going to stiff me.”

And they’d leave a generous tip.

She mentioned this observation to her manager. He said, “You’re only surprised because you’ve just started waitressing. You’ll see, almost always, people tip whatever they usually tip. They don’t tip more or less based on you and what you do.”

To me, this story seemed to contain two lessons.

First, although I feel like the center of the action, often I’m not. People aren’t adjusting everything they do based on me. I need to remember that in many cases, I’m not responsible for the reactions that I think I’m provoking.

Second, habit is important. As Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” A generous person makes a habit of generosity, a happy person makes a habit of happiness, a querulous person makes a habit of complaining. So I need to watch the habits I build.

(I love the way the Happiness Project has put me in the practice of finding moral lessons in casual anecdotes.)

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This Wednesday: If you're tired of being nagged all the time, here are 8 tips to STOP the NAGGING.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: If you’re tired of being nagged all the time, here are 8 tips to STOP THE NAGGING.

Nagging is unpleasant for both participants. If you find yourself on the naggee side of the equation, how can you put a stop to the nagging? Try these strategies:

One main reason for nagging is that a naggee isn’t responding. Some folks seem to think if they don’t answer, somehow, all will be forgotten. To the contrary. Because the nagger doesn’t feel heard, the nagging continues unabated. So if you’re being nagged:

1. Answer, to show that you’ve registered what was said. “Okay, I need to stop at the store on the way home.”
2. Commit to a deadline. “I don’t have time today or tomorrow to deal with the car insurance, but it’s on my calendar for Friday, and I’ll take care of it then.”

One unpleasant thing about being nagged is hearing the nag, nag, nag voice in your ear.

3. Find a WORDLESS way to be reminded to do a chore. Ask the nagger to put light-bulbs on the counter if the light-bulbs need to be replaced.
4. Ask to be reminded in writing, with notes or emails. This method is also more efficient and helpful.

Instead of just ignoring the nagging, explain why you’re not responding:

5. If you’re being nagged to take an umbrella, eat breakfast, or put on a coat, remind the nagger that you are a grown-up, and you choose not to do so.
6. If, in truth, you simply aren’t going to do something, tell the nagger that you’re not going to do it. A nagger would prefer to KNOW that you won’t do it rather than to be kept in frustrated suspense – especially because often, your stalling makes the task ultimately more difficult to accomplish.

Remove the prompt for the nagging:

7. Sometimes we have an aversion to a particular chore. If you’re always being nagged to do the dishes because you HATE doing dishes, try saying, “For some reason, I hate doing dishes. Is there something else I could do, as a substitute?”
8. Throw money at the problem. Marital happiness is a high life priority. Instead of buying a new kitchen table, spend the money to hire a teenager to mow the lawn.

And naggees – remember, one obvious way to stop being nagged is to DO YOUR SHARE! If you never follow through, if you never do a chore without being repeatedly asked to do it, if you never pitch in, you know why you’re being nagged.

It’s no fun to be nagged, and it’s no fun to be a nag. It's worth putting some thought into cutting down on this noise in your household.

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If you're in the mood for a more scholarly approach to happiness, try poking around on Happiness and Public Policy--it has a lot of interesting, provocative material. It hasn't updated in a little while, but there's plenty of information there to keep a reader busy.

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