This Wednesday: Six tips for coping with the fact that you don’t remember a person’s name.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six tips for coping with the fact that you don’t remember a person’s name.

If you’re like me, you sometimes have trouble remembering people’s names, or even how you know them. A few years ago, while at a chaotic birthday party for a three-year-old, I was on the brink of going over to some little kid’s father to say, “I think we went to college together.” Turns out it was Dylan McDermott!

So I’ve developed some strategies for coping with the fact that I’m not able to pull up a person’s name right away. Of course, you can always just say politely, "I'm sorry, I don't recall your name," but if you'd rather try to disguise your forgetfulness a bit, give these a try:

1. The “I know your name, but I’m blocked” dodge:
“I keep wanting to call you "David," but I know that’s not right.”

2. The “Of course I know you -- in fact, I want all your information” dodge:
“Hey, I’d love to get your card.”

3. The “The tip of my tongue” dodge:
“I know I know your name, but I’m blanking right now.”

4. The “You’re brilliant!” dodge:
“Wow, you have a terrific memory. I can’t believe you remember my name from that meeting six months ago. I can’t remember the names of people I met yesterday! So of course I have to ask you your name.”

5. The “Sure, I remember you” dodge:
“Remind me – what’s your last name?” If you ask a person for his last name, he’s likely to repeat both names. “Doe, John Doe.”

6. The “One-sided introduction” dodge:
“Hey,” you say to the person whose name you can’t remember, “let me introduce you to Pat Smith.” You introduce the two and say the name of the person whose name you remember. Almost always, the nameless person will volunteer his or her name.

Also, remember that others might have trouble remembering your name. When you’re saying hello to someone, err on the side of re-introducing yourself. “Hi, John, it’s Gretchen Rubin.” Say your name slowly and clearly. And don’t get offended if someone doesn’t remember your name!

*
I love a good personality test, so I was pleased to discover, on Rocks in My Dryer, a link to Similar Minds, where I can take all sorts of personality tests for free. They have a whole "Enneagram" section...zoikes, don't get me started on the Enneagram. I'm a bit obsessed with it. I'm a "3," by the way. And ENTJ.

Comments

[MJ]

I'm an ENFP, not the easiest type to blend into the work world, and now have to figure out what an Enneagram is. Why not?

[Alli]

I'm an ENTJ too, I think. I can never remember. I am, however, pretty bad with names. I can tell you other facts about someone, and still not come up with a name. These are all great tips.

Speaking of remembering things... you've talked about notes and taking notes several times recently. I'd love to see tips for taking, keeping track of, and remembering notes. When you said you wrote the Sex, Money, Power book from notes you'd taken, my first thought was "She must have a great note organization system!"

[travelinoma]

Just in case a person can't place me, I always give him a hint: "Bob, this is Jim. He sat next to me in High School English..." or "Bob, I'm Marty. Our kids used to go to the same piano teacher."

[travelinoma]

Just in case a person can't place me, I always give him a hint: "Bob, this is Jim. He sat next to me in High School English..." or "Bob, I'm Marty. Our kids used to go to the same piano teacher."

[Jude]

My dad used a number of catchphrases. For example, any time someone asked him how to spell our last name, Crook, he'd say, "Just like it sounds." That didn't work well with the German mechanics who spelled it "Kruk." It also didn't work well one day when a man who was new to our town and only knew my dad's first name asked him, "Joe, how do you spell that last name?", to which my dad responded, "Just like it sounds." When the man told my brother and I the story, long after our dad had died, he said he eventually had to confess to my dad that he didn't know his last name.

[Jude]

Rats. Grammar error above. It should be, the man told my brother and me. Oh, well. Also, my brother is an Enneagram fanatic who explains all of us by our numbers. That's the same brother who went to Sonora in 1999 for the Harmonic Convergence and believes in a lot of other hooey. It's fun, but that doesn't mean you have to believe in it.

[George]

I would never try to guess someone's name, because chances are, I've confused them with someone else. And either they share an unflattering characteristic (they are both overweight) or I've grouped them subconsciously by race (they are both black). I feel terrible when this happens; it feels so insulting.

[John]

I've been reading for a while and I really like the blog. It's really interesting. I'm an ENFP, but this Similar Minds site is probably going to keep me busy for a while, thanks!

[Miles]

Great article, I forget people's name literally 10 minutes after they tell me.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Phew, glad to hear that I have a lot of company in the drawing-a-blank department. It's annoying and also useful that the Big Man has a photographic memory for names and faces.

[Justn Ide]

A good friend taught me this dodge ...

You say "What was your name again?" and they say "David," and your response is "Oh I knew your first name was David, I just couldn't remember your last name."

In the end you get both ... though that really doesn't help you remember it.

JI

[histr]

thanks so much... u have no idea how much i needed this.. i forget 90% of the names.
..i found this post hilarious as well as useful at the same time

[Pam]

I've used several of your gambits, as I'm also terrible with names, but I've learned that I need to go to a bit of effort to prevent having to use them again.

For me, the biggest help is to address the other person by name, at least once. (This is one reason why salesmen use your name over and over again.) Just remembering to use their name when you say goodbye will help cement it in your memory.

[Dave]

Gretchen,

I use a trick that puts people at ease. I figure just as many people forget my name as I forget theirs.

So when I remember the person, but not the name, I go up to them, give them a big smile and extend my hand and say "I know that you remember that I'm Dave [or Dave Swanner from Myrtle Beach], but I'm horrible with names and don't remember yours".

It works wonders, give it a try.

[Gretchen Rubin]

More great things to try!

So many people have trouble with names, why do people get offended? It really is no big deal.

[Rico]

Don't forget this method. "What's your name?" When they look indignant and say their first name give them a smile/laugh and say "no I know your first name, I meant your last name".

[Debbie]

I often say, "Remind me of your name, please." They tell me, and then I tell them my name. It says I remember them, and that I realize I should know their name by now, but I just don't. And then I toss them mine to be fair. (And then half the time I instantly forget again!)

That strategy only works for a little while. After a long while it becomes embarrassing. Then I can ask someone who knows them, "Can you remind me of that guy's name?" They tell me and I thank them.

Also, in a group, sometimes you can listen carefully for people calling to each other and get reminded of a few names that way.

A strategy for when people greet me using my name, such as "Hi, Debbie!" is to greet them using a longer greeting and no name such as "Good morning!" or "Hey, nice to see you!"

[Stanley Oring]

My memory is no better than anyone else's but this works. Keep repeating the person's name over again for the next 5 minutes. even while you are talking or doing other things.
I have discussed this with others who do the same thing.

[mary]

I like to say, with an air of curiosity and interest, "Now, tell me your name again? I'm Mary," if I'm talking to someone whom I've met before and they haven't used my name either.

[jb]

I had a deal with my significant other in social situations: If I don't introduce a person to my S.O in the very first moments, they are to introduce themselves and say, "Hi, I am (name), what's your name?" Lifesaver many times over, and a bonding responsibility.

[Cynthia Clinton]

What I've found helps is to make and hold eye contact with a new person I'm meeting for 2 seconds or longer and then try to associate their name with some memorable feature about them, like pale blue eyes and a brown suit or beautiful hair or what they do. Then I immediately find someone to introduce them to so I can help cement their name in my brain. "Hi Tom, this Beverly... she runs the new dry cleaner in town." If I don't know anyone at all, but I know Beverly, then I will approach a stranger and introduce myself AND Beverly. It really helps a lot. It not only helps me, but helps cement my name for Beverly as well. Not being shy about using their name is also a big helper.

[paige]

since i'm a student in school, i interact with hundreds of other people on a daily basis. if i can't remember the names of one of my peers, i say, "oh, that's an interesting folder you have. can i take a look?" they always respond with a yes. i just peek through the papers because at least one of them is bound to have their name written on it.

[Christina]

My fiancé's great grandfather started a restaurant down in North Carolina in the early 1900s. The restaurant is still there as is a gentleman (now in his 80s or 90s) who worked there for decades starting when he was a little kid. This gentleman remembers the names of EVERYONE he's ever met, even those he hasn't seen in 50 years, along with other details. People will often come to him and say, "Have you heard from Mary Smith, Old John Smith's daughter, who used to teach at the school?" and he would immediately know to whom they were referring and would remember, "Oh yes, she and her husband moved out west to be closer to their daughters in college." etc. I once asked him how he managed to remember so many names, and he said whenever he meets someone, he tries to note a prominent feature, or their profession, and link them with who they are with. He later writes the names down on slips of paper to help him remember the name visually, and then keeps all those slips in a top dresser drawer which he glances at from time to time. He linked my fiancé with my fiancé's grandmother who still lived in town as well as to Fiancé's father and uncle who used to live there... and so when I was introduced I was added to that network, along with the fact that I have "beautiful teeth." :) Not a 100% practical method (lots of papers!), but at the very least it makes a cute story, and Fiancé likes to tease that I will be forever known as Christina-with-the-beautiful-teeth! :D

Personally, I try to say the person's name a few times in conversation or at least say "It was great seeing you, Mark!" when we part to try to cement the name in my head. Seems to help. Unless I say the name out loud in conversation or in my head, it won't stick!

[John]

The one-sided intro doesn't always work. John Cleese's character in Fawlty Towers tried it, and had to fake a fainting fit when the "forgotten" party still looked for an introduction.

[Paula]

Gretchen, you sure you're a 3? I would have had you down as a 1! Being a 1 myself, that is, and trying to claim I was a 3 for the longest time. Paula

[June Shiver]

I've studied the Enneagram for years and find it to be an elegant, descriptive tool for self-awareness. It doesn't require that a person "believe" anything; but to understand the system does require focus, study and willingness to be open to new ideas.

[Maureen]

hey, gretchen -- nice list. I especially like the link to iSerenity, though some of the sound environments are a little less than serence -- to me. ;-) I am listening to the wind chimes now. Great!

[pam munro]

I have memory for certain things, but not NAMES. Will remember all sorts of details about a person BUT NOT THEIR NAME. It has gotten so that I just make a joke of it & say that I have a hole in my head where the names of the worls are supposed to be! That it's not just YOU, but EVERYBODY!! (My mother used to call us by the dog's name!)

[Dana]

I have a fun trick when i don't remember someone's name - I go up to them and smile and coyly say "Do you remember my name?" and they usually look a bit uncomfortable since they don't, then I say "good, cause i don't remember yours either!" and we both laugh. Of course, if they do, then i just say "ah, you caught me, i don't remember yours" Works pretty well and gets us smiling :)

[Jack McCullough]

I told my son the trick of asking a person how to spell their name, and he used it once in fifth grade. They were giving reports and then a panel of students would give a response, so my son started out one of his comments with, "First off, can you tell me how you spell your name?" The answer: "A-N-N-A." Unfortunately he didn't think fast enough to say, "Ah, two N's."
The next student got up to do her presentation and started out, "R-O-S-E."

[Steve]

I am a big fan of generic greetings that seem personal. "Hey Buddy," "What up man" "Hey you, Hows it going!" The key is to say it so confidently and directly that they feel you are just being familiar and personable.

Then hope that it comes out in conversation. Or try and get hints to how you know them. "When was the last time we ran into each other?"

[Bonnie]

When I was a teenager, I had to cancel a piano lesson. When the school secretary asked me my teacher's name, I couldn't remember it, so I said, "I'm not sure how to pronounce it."

She looked it up in her book, then looked up at me and said slowly, "Hen-der-son."

[Ruthanne Roussel]

I'm an ENTJ -- although since I'm an ENTJ, I don't think my Myers-Briggs is all that relevant to the conversation :-)

I cannot remember names for the life of me. I always repeat the person's name when meeting them -- "Good to meet you Gretchen" -- and still I am stumped.

When I re-encounter a person, I do something like "I so enjoyed sitting with you at the CFA Society luncheon in March, and I'm embarrassed that your name has slipped my mind, I'm SelenesMom" or "It was great golfing with you last week and that was some drive you had on the 7th, I hate to admit that your name has slipped my mind, I'm SelenesMom." In 9 cases out of 10, if I have forgotten someone's name, they've forgotten mine too.

[datdamwuf]

I just say: "I know we've met but I'm terrible with names, in case you are too, mines Dat. 90% of the time they laugh and thank me because they'd forgotten my name as well