This Wednesday: If you're tired of being nagged all the time, here are 8 tips to STOP the NAGGING.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: If you’re tired of being nagged all the time, here are 8 tips to STOP THE NAGGING.

Nagging is unpleasant for both participants. If you find yourself on the naggee side of the equation, how can you put a stop to the nagging? Try these strategies:

One main reason for nagging is that a naggee isn’t responding. Some folks seem to think if they don’t answer, somehow, all will be forgotten. To the contrary. Because the nagger doesn’t feel heard, the nagging continues unabated. So if you’re being nagged:

1. Answer, to show that you’ve registered what was said. “Okay, I need to stop at the store on the way home.”
2. Commit to a deadline. “I don’t have time today or tomorrow to deal with the car insurance, but it’s on my calendar for Friday, and I’ll take care of it then.”

One unpleasant thing about being nagged is hearing the nag, nag, nag voice in your ear.

3. Find a WORDLESS way to be reminded to do a chore. Ask the nagger to put light-bulbs on the counter if the light-bulbs need to be replaced.
4. Ask to be reminded in writing, with notes or emails. This method is also more efficient and helpful.

Instead of just ignoring the nagging, explain why you’re not responding:

5. If you’re being nagged to take an umbrella, eat breakfast, or put on a coat, remind the nagger that you are a grown-up, and you choose not to do so.
6. If, in truth, you simply aren’t going to do something, tell the nagger that you’re not going to do it. A nagger would prefer to KNOW that you won’t do it rather than to be kept in frustrated suspense – especially because often, your stalling makes the task ultimately more difficult to accomplish.

Remove the prompt for the nagging:

7. Sometimes we have an aversion to a particular chore. If you’re always being nagged to do the dishes because you HATE doing dishes, try saying, “For some reason, I hate doing dishes. Is there something else I could do, as a substitute?”
8. Throw money at the problem. Marital happiness is a high life priority. Instead of buying a new kitchen table, spend the money to hire a teenager to mow the lawn.

And naggees – remember, one obvious way to stop being nagged is to DO YOUR SHARE! If you never follow through, if you never do a chore without being repeatedly asked to do it, if you never pitch in, you know why you’re being nagged.

It’s no fun to be nagged, and it’s no fun to be a nag. It's worth putting some thought into cutting down on this noise in your household.

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If you're in the mood for a more scholarly approach to happiness, try poking around on Happiness and Public Policy--it has a lot of interesting, provocative material. It hasn't updated in a little while, but there's plenty of information there to keep a reader busy.

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Comments

[Helen]

I don't think it is useful to focus on "nagging" per se. The term seems to describe more of a symptom of poor communication rather than a type of communication itself. In reality, nagging means many things to different people. Have you read "Crucial Conversations"? Those authors do a really nice job of focusing on the key components of conversations and outline a nice way to improve communication skills. I think their web site is vitalsmarts.com.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Thanks for the recommendation -- I'll go check that out right now.

I agree that "nagging" means different things to different people. One person's gentle, helpful reminder is another person's incessant harping.

But in my own mind, I KNEW I was nagging! thinking about the situations in which I was "nagging" helped me to identify the places where we needed to work on communication -- of course, you're absolutely right, it's about communication (and also about follow-through, right?)

[karen]

If I feel I am nagged, I ask myself this question: Why I must complete this task urgently? What is it about this task that makes it absolutely urgent for me to complete.

Once my mind understands or convinces of the reasons, my action will be immediate to address the concerns.

this is exactly why successful people suggest we should always be absolutely clear with our goals. Only then, actions come naturally and the chance to be nagged will be pretty slim

To build your ladder of dreams, I recommend you read this post:-
http://secretofunlimitedprosperity.com/58/9-secret-steps-to-life-transformation-the-ladder-of-dreams/

Cheers Karen

[Eric]

Your comments are totally one-sided; in effect - placing all action of change on the side of the victim. (naggee)

You don't address potential control issues or insecurities that result in the nagger being particularly insistent. Dealing with/fixing those issues should not be the naggees job - which is what you seem to suggest in some of your tips. (ex: #4)

Sometimes we naggees clearly aren't listening or we are blocking for sanity's sake - call it a defensive or coping mechanism - but that block comes down when both sides do their part to make requests for action simply a conversation.

Eric

[eric]

After talking it over with my girlfriend, it would seem that my comments above are an unfair assesment in that the article was apparently written only for naggees...

In that vein it is a good group of tips. :)

Eric

[Rosario]

I am definitely going to try these tips!

[Eric]

I take that back, now that my girlfriend is gone. The truth of the matter is that this article is completely one-sided. A nagger's insessant insecurities and thusly need to control everything is the true root of the issue and is completly ignored here. Blaming the naggee doesn't not solve the problem. A true nagger will always find something to nag about even if you do everything they say when they say it.

Eric

[Brammimonde]

You hit it on the head. "One main reason for nagging is that a naggee isn’t responding."

This is the exact reason that I find myself trying to remind, reinterpret, reiterate, review the situation at hand-- a blank face is the clearest signal possible to another human being that you either don't understand, or haven't heard what's being said.

A man can get the potential nagger in his life to shut up ASAP if he only faced up to the problem rather than running away from it.

Otherwise?

Your confused lady will just keep hammering at it.

Note: I know not all naggers are women, and not all nagees are men, but I'm sticking with the true-to-life stereotype.

[thesavvyboomer]

Well, I guess those are good tips. But the way I deal with naggers is not to have one in my life. I made a mistake and allowed one in once and that lasted about as long as it took to pack my bags. I told her I wouldn't tolerate it and when it continued, I simply left. Life's too short to try to deal with a nagger so don't let one in your life. If it's too late and she/he is already in your life and won't change (and they can't)-leave. You'll be a lot happier no matter what the price.

[anotherboomer]

I agree (up to a point) with thesavvyboomer - when there is nagging in a relationship, it usually means that one person or the other feels that their needs are not being met, or that their personal space/property/whatever is not being respected. I can also tell you that many men will go out of their way to avoid doing whatever they are being nagged about (particularly if they were nagged as children, or one of their parents was nagged by the other, and they are mentally hearing the voice of an angry parent instead of their significant other). A lot of females think that if they nag a man enough it will get him to shape up, but in truth he is probably thinking of ways of getting even, if only on a subconscious level. It is my belief that once nagging has started in a relationship it is almost beyond hope already (because it shows that at least one person has no respect whatsoever for the feelings of the other, though often the feeling is very mutual), and the only really good reason for trying to repair such a relationship is if the two of you have minor children.

I know some will say "but I love him/her" - yes, but if he/she is nagging you to the point that you really find it objectionable, then either they don't love YOU anymore, or you are doing something that so aggravates them that in frustration they are nagging in a final desperate attempt to get you to change your ways - and again, with men at least, this almost never works - it may seem to, but trust me, we find ways of getting even with the nagger. Many an infidelity has started because some guy was thinking "I'm sick and tired of my nagging wife." There are guys who'll seem to tolerate it for a while and even make minor changes to their behavior, but trust me, ye who nag, do not be encouraged by these apparent results - you are swimming in very dangerous waters, and if you don't stop NOW you will probably be in divorce court or a breakup situation before long - or you will wish you were.

Just my opinion, FWIW, but I know when my ex-wife used to nag me (particularly when she used various negative putdowns) my attitude would be that swine would fly and sunbathers would flock to Antarctica before I'd do what she wanted. Note I said she is my EX-wife and I think we are BOTH happier now that we are apart (I'm not so sure about the guy she married after we got divorced, though!).

[EM]

Nagging is indicative of someone trying to change you, which means (just under the surface) that they are unhappy about something with themselves and don't want to focus on it. Best suggestion: put it in their court. 1) Reflect back what it is they want you to do. 2) Reflect the last few times they've nagged, and the content. 3) Interpret, without reactivity, how they must really want you to change/do a lot of things. . .
If you bring them through that process everytime, they won't fire off nagging as much and will become more self-focused.

[MD]

Try making a list of every request or nag as it happens and how long it takes to be resolved or just go away.
Either you will find the article is right, and you're not pulling your weight (so follow the tips), or else the nagger is being unreasonable - in which case you have evidence with which to confront the behaviour and prove your point.
Whilst naggers do know they're nagging (and will endlessly remind you that they "keep telling you to...") they may not realise they are picking up on all the failures and forgetting about the successes.

[Kathleen]

Nagging is indicative of someone trying to change you, which means ... that they are unhappy about something with themselves...

Hear hear! I was surprised that nobody brought up passive-aggressiveness either. I divorced my nagger after five years of misery. At first I tried to please him, I even sold my truck (a truck owning wife didn't fit with his image of what his wife should drive), I got rid of my dog. Eventually, sanity was only restored after I got rid of him. I felt he reneged on the precepts of our dating relationship; I wasn't going to *become* the woman he imagined would fulfill his self image. You can't change people! You can only change yourself. Happily, I'm now married to a man who had also been married to a nagger. He revels in my quirky habits, my tool collection and doesn't complain about all the time I spend reading or on the computer. I believe the topic of nagging came up in pre-marital negotiations. I won't tolerate it. If something is an issue, it's best addressed in a discussion, not ongoing harassment. I profoundly resented being someone's idea of a "home improvement project".

[Gretchen Rubin]

Nagging is clearly a topic that touches a big nerve.

I had another tips list on the subject, http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2006/08/this_wednesday__1.html, about "How to get your sweetheart to do chores, without nagging." May be of interest. It's aimed at the NAGGER, to Eric's point.

Nagging is a very interesting dynamic, because two people are vying for control, have conflicting views of what needs to happen. I love MD's suggestion of keeping track of the nagging for a few days, then evaluating the list. That could tell you a lot.

I laughed aloud at Eric's series of comments. I would love to have been able to hear that conversation. In any event, I think some naggers WILL find something to nag about, but I think some naggers would be happy to stop -- if they thought they could.

As someone (I think, but now I can't find it) pointed out, the only person you can change is yourself. That's why I have written tips for naggers and naggees. Personally, I am a nagger, and I am SO MUCH MORE happy now that I've cut down on the nagging. It's no fun to feel like a nag. But I see, too, that naggees can change themselves and their actions to lessen the nagging impulse in others.

Interesting stuff.

[bob]

As someone else said...nagging is NOT THE FAULT OF THE NAGGEE, ever, period.

It's a response by the nagger to control the naggee.

Now, there may be problems in the relationship which the naggee is responsible for, but nagging is the naggers immature, childish response to the problem.

As a naggee, if you can see through the nagging to the root problem and help get the nagger to deal with it, great. Otherwise there is only one appropriate response to anyone trying to control you with any method-deny them that control.

Once they see their controlling behavior is ineffective, they *may* change, but at least you haven't rewarded their controling behavior, which would only make them continue.

People need to grow up and take ownership of themselves.

[eve]

Wow, wonderful article, regardless of some of the points that others pointed out, I felt it was right on and my husband and I plan on taking some of the tips in our home! Thanks!

[Layouts]

Great post.... hmmm.... i wonder if it would be rude to forward this to my nagging girlfriend as a hint?

[Lia]

"As someone else said...nagging is NOT THE FAULT OF THE NAGGEE, ever, period. It's a response by the nagger to control the naggee."

As someone who is constantly deciding whether or not to nag, I'm not sure I'd agree with this. My partner is pathologically untidy and never washes up, but it simply isn't in my personality to nag. So in the beginning, I would mention the problem in a non-nagging way and let him take charge of his own efforts to improve. The smart, grown-up way, right?

Problem is, I've talked to him about my approach, and he actually tells me he would *prefer* to be nagged; it would give him an incentive. I hate this, as surely it should be his responsibility to improve his own behaviour, not mine to constantly raise the subject. Human beings aren't dogs to be passively trained - and besides, when I do nag, he whinges and sulks and I feel like a total bitch.

He was spoiled by his mother, who would pick things up after him instead of making him do it himself. And I respect that habits are hard to break, but he seems not to be taking initiative, even when I tell him to (the paradoxes of that statement *sigh*.) Learning to "live with it" is not an option. I'm no neat-freak myself, preferring the lived-in look to the hotel room look, but his mess is much worse than that, and it smacks of disrespect (though he denies it) that he knows I hate it, but still won't change.

*Sigh*. What do I do? I will probably move out if the situation continues, but we'd both like to solve things before then.

Back to the quote. I think it's wrong and unnecessary to label all attempts to change someone's behaviour as simple control freakery. Sometimes behaviour needs to be changed. I also believe people who nag know it doesn't work, but they continue because it feels like the only thing they can do.

[Pearl]

Lia,
he lies. Or rather, he hasn't thought about his own motivations. Not surprising really, who does?
What he would *really* like, is to not have to do it at all. If that can't happen, having someone else nag you, still feels like less effort than actually *doing* it, and somewhere underneath feels like well, at least you're letting the other person let some of their frustration out, right? It's only fair, because you *do* feel guilty about not doing it. Finally, when someone does nag, you eventually get annoyed in turn against the nagger, turning it into THEIR problem, and not your fault.

Not saying that it isn't often the people who are chronically nagging who have issues, but it happens just as often, either way.
And worse, when people encounter someone who's bad at one or the other, they often get stuck in the opposing 'role', leading to yet more "naggers" and "naggee's" in the world.

Still, the list of tips may help - secondly, sit down and negotiate what you both expect to be a 'fair' amount of house cleaning. It will be less than what you'd like, and probably more than he'll actually do, but actually hash it out, or get it in writing. He may be feeling like he can ignore what he's supposed to do because you're standards of cleanliness are above what he thinks he should be, even though he isn't, doing.
If you do this, you've established what it is you're doing for him to get up to his standard of cleanliness. Now, if he won't do it, and try the tips above first and do everything you can process-wise to make it REALLY, REALLY easy to get the jobs done.
Then, you:
Get him to get/hire a dishwasher, OR hire a cleaner to do his share, OR pay you a decent hourly rate to do it.
Don't settle for less. Your time is valuable, your personhood is valuable, and it's only fair for him to value that also. If you can exchange tasks, excellent! If there's some non-monetary repayment, go for that. Just make sure you do actually get valued for your effort.

Now, Eric's posts?
I didn't find funny. I found them kind of creepy. Congratulations, you have a dysfunctional relationship. Perhaps you could look at actually dealing with it, rather than hiding it in passive-aggressive ways, and externalising your frustrations ('It's ALWAYS the naggers fault!') onto things like this webpage?

I've been both the naggee, very occasionally the nagger (I hated it), and quite often the 'outside observer' for this dynamic, so I'm not saying that I'm above or beyond any of this myself.

Most especially, I'm so glad I'm not in my last relationship any more.

;D

[Lia]

Sorry about my whinging previous post: I just re-read it, and it is slightly bitchy.

Problem is, he doesn't really notice when the house isn't clean. He's lived a bachelor existence with a bunch of guys, and before that his mother picked everything up. I did write up a list of basic house-cleaning tasks that needed to be done, as well as stuff I wanted (trying to put it in the sweetest, most reasonable way). He promised to pay attention, and then lost it in a pile of papers ("putting papers in the drawer" having been somewhere on the list).

I'll try out your suggestions, although I don't really approve of the dishwasher/cleaner way of life. Dishwashers waste lots of water, and I'd rather see people cleaning up their mess than delegating it to others with their own cleaning to do. If nothing works, I'll move out as soon as we can afford it, live nearby, and ensure our "couple time" is spent out in the city or at his place. (Mess in my house bugs me much more than mess at someone else's.) I'd be perfectly happy with that, and so would he... eventually.

Thanks for your help :)

[Jon]

Nagging signifies that someone is unhappy with themselves, in my opinion. It is a form of transference.
It is also self-defeating. When someone feels that their actions will only ever result in more nagging, no matter what efforts they make, they simply give up and stop trying, seeing the nagging as inevitable. It encourages a fear of failure, particularly in children, who are taught by nagging parents that making mistakes (an unavoidable consequence of life, particularly in youth, where it is the main teacher) is unnacceptable.
Those with a fear of failure avoid all sitautions that might result in it, and this increases the frustration in the parent or nagger, which results in more nagging. This in turn reinforces the fear of failure.
It is better, particularly with men, to show someone why they need to preform a task and what they will gain from preforming it.

[Kashmira]

Good set of tips for the naggees, but do you have anything to help the naggers to stop? I, unfortunately, happen to be the nagger and would love to keep it under control, but it simply does not happen :(

[Barbara]

Oh this topic rings bells. I am now "in charge" of my 85 year old mom. She is quite forgetful and also insecure. She has her list of things she "needs" (for ex. a new tv set because I have a new flat screen?)and keeps nagging me about them. I have to take off from work to take her to get them, but every time I schedule a day to do her errands with her she finds some excuse not to go. I am supposed to take her tomorrow....we'll see if she really comes. Or maybe she just enjoys the nagging. So calling the nagger's bluff does not necessarily work.

It happens that I was married to a nagger without even realizing it....It was not so much a question of things I didn't do, but that things had to be a certain way (his way, of course). I am so much happier being out of there, but I can remember the secret rage that always used to consume me when I did things his way and thought I did them perfectly but it was never quite enough.

Gosh, relationships are hard.

[ruth baguskas]

A topic for discussion? For some reason I can't find "Topics for Discussion" on the site tho' I'm sure it's RIGHT in front of me.
I am trying to refrain from gossip or criticism. Oh so hard with the hubby, since it's always nice to review the day with lots of scathing stories. Why? Do some people have nice positive, kind chats around the dinner table? Can we take a poll? Something like: how do you converse around the dinner table and refrain from petty gossip and similarly petty criticism?

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