My "friendship" resolutions and one of my most thrilling happiness-project adventure stories.

One of my areas of concentration for the happiness project is friendship, and my sub-resolutions include “Bring people together” and “Help people think big.”

“Bring people together” came from my realization that the one of the most thoughtful gestures is to help friends connect with other people – setting up single friends, recommending people for jobs, etc.

“Help people think big” came from my realization that words of enthusiasm and confidence from a friend can genuinely inspire someone to tackle an exciting goal. My agent was the one who said to me, “I really think you should consider doing a blog.” “Really?” I said dubiously. “Do you think I could?”

I try to live up to these resolutions, and Tuesday night marked the culmination of one of my most dramatic happiness-project adventure stories.

In December 2004, the Big Girl’s nursery school arranged a “reunion” for all the children who had graduated into kindergarten, so they could come back to see their old friends and teachers. While the children were occupied, the nursery school directors, Nancy Schulman and Ellen Birnbaum, led a parent discussion about the kindergarten transition. These kinds of meetings were familiar, because we had had them periodically during the nursery school years.

As always, Ellen and Nancy’s insights and advice were incredibly helpful. As I stood up to leave, I thought, “These two should write a book.” I was immediately convinced that this was the greatest idea ever.

Now, I didn’t know Nancy or Ellen particularly well, but I went over to Ellen and said, “You two should write a book.”

“You know, we’ve thought about that,” she said, “but never very seriously.”

“Well, I really think you should,” I repeated. Ellen called Nancy over, and we talked about it for a few minutes. Then we said good-bye.

I suspected that nothing more would happen unless I nudged them along, so I suggested that we meet for coffee to talk about the publishing process. As we talked, they became increasingly enthusiastic and full of ideas. I put them in touch with my agent. In a flash, they had a book contract and were on their way.

And now they’re done. They’ve written a fantastic, helpful book for parents of nursery-school age children. Two days ago, Practical Wisdom for Parents: Demystifying the Preschool Years, went on sale (perfectly timed for me personally, because the Little Girl starts nursery school in the fall). That very morning, Nancy and Ellen were on the Today Show. At their book party that night, they said that if it hadn’t been for me, they wouldn’t have written the book.

The fact is, I played a teeny, tiny role in their huge achievement. But it just may be true that I played a critical role. They needed someone to say “You should do this” and to help them begin to navigate in unfamiliar territory.

They’re thrilled with their accomplishment. But I feel fabulous, too. It makes me so happy to think that I helped them. Do good, feel good. It really works.

*
I'm fascinated by the issue of obesity, and I was flabbergasted to read Gina Kolata's New York Times story this morning, Study Show That Obesity Can Be Contagious, about the new study recently published in the New England Journal of Medicine that shows that obesity "spreads" among friends.

*
New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.

Comments

[Helen]

I just got goosebumps! You are so cool! Thanks for being such a great role model.

[Bob M]

That's a kind and warming story about getting those two to the publishing starting gate.

As for the obesity study - there's much in it which is intuitive. Children are enormously influenced by friends and peers, so if obesity is OK, then it's OK. It was hilarious to read at the end ofd the NY Times story one researcher dismissing the study on the scientific principle that it is unlikely to be replicated. That may have something to do with the fact that it was a study which took 32 years to complete!

[phquaryn]

That's a great story! Other people's successes can bring such happiness. You saw an opportunity to help two people and took it.

Your blog continues to inspire me.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I heard someone discussing the obesity study on a news show. She said that she thought this study was helpful, because it showed that because of social networks, if one person could be taught to eat better, exercise, and lose weight, then other friends would also be influenced to do so.

I myself doubt that the phenomenon would work as well in that direction. We look to friends to give us permission to eat those chips, have that extra glass of wine, etc. I suspect that self-discipline is less catching than indulgence.

[susan]

Gretchen, thanks for being such an inspiration. I'm glad that Nancy and Ellen shared with you the significant role you played in the birth of their book. It often takes others to point out the wonderful gifts we can't see in ourselves. You obviously did this for them. Best wishes to you, Susan

[Jessica]

Gretchen,
What a great story. I too have been trying to do a better job of "bringing people together." Question -- have you ever set two single friends up? I have two friends I'd like to suggest a set-up to, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I'm worried about vaguely pushy or implicitly critical of single-hood. Any suggestions or helpful anecdotes? I'd love to hear if you've had a positive experience with this!
Jessica

[Gretchen Rubin]

I always try to fix people up, though have only managed to pull off a love connection a few times. Most people I know are very receptive to it -- I frame it as "even if it's not magic, I think you'd have a fun time meeting him/her for a drink/coffee/dinner." I used to worry about seeming pushy, but the people I knew, at least, didn't seem to mind. It's tough meeting new people. However, you're right - you wouldn't want to send the message that "you're desperate" or "there's something wrong with you if you're not in a relationship." A fine line. It's risky -- but the rewards, though rare, are HUGE. I know so many people who met their spouses on a blind date.

[Hanna]

Congrats, you should be proud! Two of my friends have been married now for a couple of years thanks to me tellling them to date. I feel proud about that! :-)

happy day!

[Saul]

As you know, one of the great joys in my life has been woodworking (or at the very least the notion of woodworking). But I would never have made the giant step of taking classes at RISD were it not for the simple words of encouragement I got from Amanda who said, "why don't you just march down that hill and sign up?" I did, and it changed my life.

Now, about your interest in setting up single friends....

[Gretchen Rubin]

Move beyond the "notion" of doing it to doing it with real wood! And you are on my try-to-do list...

[Pamela]

Everyone is part of the team. Even if you say that you played a teeny tiny role, I think even your mere presence can contribute to the success of the team. That's the beauty of friendship.

[Helen]

I also believe that even if you didn't played a big role, your contribution was still critical. The problem with some is they are always looking for quantity and not quality.