My second earth-shattering insight about happiness: how to make yourself happy, and other people happy, too.

My first ground-breaking insight into happiness is, of course, that to be happy, we must think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

Now I’ve arrived at my second earth-shattering insight about happiness. I’m not sure why it took me so long to see this clearly, because I’ve understood the principles involved for a very long time, and now it seems so obvious, but there’s a circularity to it (see below) that confused me.

Here it is:

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

This is tremendously important. It’s absolutely true.

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Someone who was very, very nice to me when I was just starting this blog was Chris Brogan. He picked up my Wednesday tips at the wonderful site, Lifehack, he gave me advice about podcasting, and most important, he didn't make me feel like my questions as a new blogger were ridiculous. I read his blog, Chris Brogan, to keep up with his many adventures, although many of said adventures are a bit too techy for me to understand.

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Comments

[Jonathan Harford]

An interesting corollary to this is that pretending to be happy (around other people) will eventually make you genuinely happy.

[Sharyn]

It really takes, I think, a pretty good level of maturity and "unselfcentered-ness" to get the concept of making yourself happy by making others happy. It's true, though, and it's a deep and satisfying "happy". It's like love - you want someone else's good as much or more than you do your own, and for the people who love you, your happiness is their pleasure, too. It's a delightful circle, when everyone's on the same page.

This also brings to mind one of my favorite thoughts: "That which blesses one, blesses all."

[Glen C.]

Like all insights, this one has been discovered before, on video!

I love Ze.

http://www.zefrank.com/theshow/archives/2006/09/091906.html

[James McCullough]

These we tips are all well and good. But do you not think there is something more underlying true happiness and contentment? Surely in this striving for happiness there is no contentment with ones current state of happiness and therefore no true happiness?

[Gretchen Rubin]

The reason that my first happiness formula includes the element that you need to be "in an atmosphere of growth" is that I think that the VERY NATURE of happiness has a slightly striving quality. Studies show that most people expect to feel slightly happier in the future than they do in the present. It's very hard to feel that you've "arrived" at happiness, it is a process, it is something to reach toward. I think that understanding this aspect of happiness makes it much easier to be happy.

[Ole Høegh]

I can recommend "Genuine Happiness" by Martin Seligman who has approach happiness from a psychologic scientific perspective. He finds that it is not possible to live a happy life by creating as many happy moments as possible. Instead genuine happiness is derived from purpose in live. I sounds as if there is a connection with "making other people happy" and purpose as he is describing it.

[James McCullough]

I think that purpose is possibly the key to true happiness. But I really don't think that making others happy is the purpose we need to drive our lives. Surely our happiness revolves round not just having a purpose in life but having the correct purpose? Do you not believe there is one particular purpose we are designed for?

[wondrack]

How's this for a quasi-summary for above thread:

We all have a purpose. And the more we are able to acknowledge and share that with the world is relative to our happiness.

[Marco]

Gretchen, I love your blog, it is a great inspiration to me, and I rarely disagree with your ideas: I think you have a genuine desire to help people in their personal pursuit of happiness. It is in this spirit that I must clarify an important concept:
It is Not possible to Make someone happy.
In fact, making someone happy is a dangerous myth that needs to be dispelled. In transactional analisys we would call it a grandiose thinking: giving ourselves a power we don't possess, and having to live with the consequences. "I will make my wife happy", "I will make my children happy",... How would we go about it? We can only offer what we think they need, but the way they react is entirely in their hands. Furthermore, if we rely only on what we think, we might get it very wrong! A personal example might clarify what I mean... I thought that whispering loving words to my wife when she was half asleep would make her happier, yesterday she finally told me that she hates it because she can't fall asleep!
Happiness is a choice: it can't be produced by event outside ourselves.
Happiness is a responsability: we need to ask for what we need, or we might never get it.
The myth of making other people happier is really a dangerous one: if we believe it, how will we feel when we discover that we haven't got the power to make our loved ones happy?

[James McCullough]

I believe, as a Christian, that we can only be truely happy after Christ breaking into our lives and when we begin not to live for self and our own happiness but to fufil God's role for us. To glorify and enjoy him.

[Ole Høegh]

According to the book it is not that important what the purpose is as long as it makes sense to you and you commit to it. It can be religious but it doesn't have to be. I think being something for someone else would make a great purpose for most people - a good purpose because you get the fantastic feedback from the people you make happy.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is such an interesting discussion. There's so much to say, I wish we were talking instead of typing. I love Seligman's book and his work -- having a "purpose in life" means such different things to different people, and it's hard to see how to put that into action (at least for me). I try to capture that concept in my first happiness formula, but in a way that's easier to translate into everyday life.
On Marco's very important point -- that you can't make someone happy -- very true. Maybe I need to reword my second earth-shattering formula. I thought Bob Dylan captured this idea beautifully when he wrote about his wife: “I looked at the menu, then I looked at my wife. The one thing about her that I always loved was that she was never one of those people who thinks that someone else is the answer to their happiness. Me or anybody else. She’s always had her own built-in happiness.”
One of the big themes for my happiness project is that we have a DUTY to be happy -- because you're right, others can't make us happy, and we can't make other people happy.
Nevertheless, I think you CAN do things that will boost other people's happiness. They have to cooperate, of course! On my post for July 25th, I discuss an example of this. But you're right, you can't "MAKE" someone happy...maybe it's better to think of the goal as "trying to bring about the conditions that would tend to help other people be happy."
I am a person of no religious conviction, but I warm my hands on the glow from other people's joyous faith. For the millionth time, I must recommend St. Therese's STORY OF A SOUL.

[Matthew]

In response to Jonathan (the first commenter above), it seems false that *pretending* to be happy leads to genuine happiness. We "fake" happiness because being upbeat/positive is somewhat of a social norm, but it's not obvious that doing so will lead to a deeper happiness. This is because, I assume, that happy living involves adopting a certain kind of perspective on the world (being thankful, focusing on the positive or at least not being obsessed by the negative, etc.), and I'm not sure how pretending to have that sort of perspective can lead to actually having it - either you take that perspective on the world (and your own life) or you don't. (Obviously it's not really an either/or issue, but probably a matter of degree.)

Consider this analogy: there was this "laughter therapy" movement where to boost mood, people were to force themselves to laugh (in groups, I think), and after awhile, the laughter became natural and unforced - genuine laughter. But forcing laughter isn't quite the same thing as pretending to laugh: either you're laughing (for one reason or another) or you're not. (I don't exactly know how one pretends to laugh...)

Similarly, when it comes to what Gretchen says about *being happy yourself*, I don't think you can pretend this, but you can put pressure on (force) yourself to adopt perspectives - ways of looking at things - that don't come naturally to you, such as focusing on the positive, etc. If we want to *grade* happiness in this sense, then we could say that the more natural (less forced) the "happy perspective" is for you, the more genuine (or true) is your happiness.

[Marco]

Dear Gretchen,
You have a quite challenge here: condensing a lot of wisdom in very few words is no easy matter! Anyway, you have done it with your first formula so you'll do it again! A possibility could be substituting 'make' with 'help': we can certainly 'help' other people's quest for happiness, that's what you are doing right here and we cooperate by reading you blog ;)
Whatever you choose, please steer away from the word 'Try'. In counselling I very often meet clients with a "Try Hard" script belief: they always try but they never succeed, because if they were to succeed, they would need to stop trying... In other words, for people with a try hard script message, "try to make others happy" translate to "constantly make an effort in pleasing others but don't ever succeed". PS: fortunately negative belief can be changed :)

[marina]

Although I admire Gretchen's passion for this life project, my perspective about life is not centered on happiness.After many ups & down, I have realized that I did not come here to be happy, but to learn. One central lesson is how to celebrate myself with all my talents and shortcomings. After all,there is only one me. Namaste!!!!

[sam]

If we are to make other people happy by being happy ourselves, do we then first need to let go of the idea that others hold the power to make us happy,(which would mean we also cannot make others happy) and accept that our happiness fully depends on our own reactions and actions in life..
So then once we accept resposibility for how we feel, and have to power to choose for ourselves to be happy, we can then help others take back their own power by way of living example...
Trying to make others happy when im feeling angry or sad may not be as helpful as figuring out why im angry and choosing to change my attitude first..

[Anne]

ok, anyone still reading?
I'd like to look at this two-part principle (1--One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; 2--One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself) through the lens of our relationships with our pets.
i would argue that one of the reasons they are good for us and we love them so much is that 1) it is SO EASY to make them happy and 2) when we are not happy, they either don't care, or can appear to take actions that seem deliberately designed to comfort us. it's really easy to tell when they are happy -- they wag their tails, or purr, or go about eating or playing or whatever it is with a delightful gusto -- all brought about by something as simple as a bowl of kibble, or a ball thrown across the yard, or a scratch in just the right spot, or a warm lap to sit on. you make your pet happy, you feel good, and they don't need you to pretend to be any happier than you are. other people offer a deeper, richer level of appreciation/happiness, but nevertheless I think it might be useful to expand our notion of making others happy to include other species, which can also offer healthy perspective on what it actually takes to brighten someone else's day, that is, sometimes little more than the human equivalent of a bowl of kibble or an affectionate pat.