One key to happiness: setting a target goal of making 3 new friends.

One thing is clear: a major key to happiness – in fact, the major key – is having close relationships with other people. We need close, long-term relationships, we need to be able to confide in others, we need to belong, we enjoy activities more when we’re with other people. This is true not just of extraverts, but of introverts, as well.

In fact, people who claim to have at least five friends with whom they can discuss important problems are 60% more likely to describe themselves as “very happy.”

Unfortunately, a study published by the American Sociological Review in 2006 shows the average American has only two close friends, and almost a quarter of Americans have no friend in whom they can confide – a number that has doubled in the last two decades. (On the good side, family ties are strengthening.)

One of my main areas of concentration for the happiness project has been to try to stay closer to my friends and to make more friends.

One strategy I’ve adopted for making more friends may sound a little cold-blooded and calculating, but it has really worked for me.

I set myself a friend TARGET GOAL.

When I enter a situation where I’m meeting new people, I set myself the goal of making three new friends. So, for example, when the Little Girl starts pre-school in September, and I’m meeting a lot of new parents, I’ll be looking for my three friends.

I know it sounds artificial, but I’ve been trying this approach for a few years, and it works well. It changes my attitude from, “Do I like you? Do you like me? Do we have time to talk?” to “Are you someone who will be one of my three friends?” Somehow, this slight shift makes me behave differently, it makes me more open to people, it prompts me to make the effort to go beyond everyday chit-chat.

Because I feel busy and sometimes overwhelmed, I have a tendency to say to myself, “I don’t have time to meet new people or make new friends.” But that’s not true. I do have time, and making a new friend is tremendously energizing, not enervating.

Not all such friends have turned into close friends. Some I never see outside the context in which I first met them. But still, I feel like there’s a stronger connection between us – perhaps wholly one-sided, true, but still real.

And I know I’ve made more closer friends than I otherwise would have done.

I’ve also realized that “being friends” means different things in different stages in of life. In college, I spent hours each day with my friends. These days I don’t spend nearly that much time with the Big Man. That’s okay.

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Productivity 501 has a great post about what to do when people come to your office to distract you. Lots of easy, practical, not-rude suggestions: take notes, talk to them while you're standing up, don't have a visitor's chair, etc.

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Comments

[Inihtar]

Yes, it does sound quite calculated, but I think in these times, this is the way we need to think. It's all too easy, especially in big cities where everyone's busy, to have a lot of acquaintances and few real friends and, when we do meet new people, to expect the other person to make the effort. Being deliberate about making friends is a necessity!

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, one reason that people have fewer intimate friends these days is that people move so much more. In the past, you might have been surrounded by people you knew as a child or in high school, but now, everyone is moving so much, you have to re-build your social network multiple times. That's tough.

[Modern-Worker]

Right now I don't have any friends in my local area, compared to having a huge social circle a short while ago. It was my choice to move on with my life and better my situation, but I feel I do need some social interaction again and this post helped move that forward; thanks.

[Jude]

I think friendship is overrated in importance, since I've lived without friends for quite a few years. However, I'll soon be moving into a new job where I already know quite a few people, but will be meeting new people too. I've decided to write up notes after each meeting so I can actually remember how many kids they have, where they're from, and all those other details which I'm likely to forget. I'm considering it "enhanced listening." I'd love to have time to also keep track of who I tell stories to so I don't repeat myself. None of this is with the goal of making friends, because as a social phobic that's too difficult for me--it's to build stronger working relationships with acquaintances.

[sylrayj]

I've started teaching my son something about this. How small-talk makes links, between people. How we don't necessarily really want to hear the truth of 'how are you' and 'how about that weather' - but asking it acknowledges that we are beings with thoughts and opinions. I told him that for every group he's in, I want him to try to 'click' with 3 people, so that if one goes away you still have two others. It's such a hard thing, for all of us, but I do think that 3 is the 'magic number.'

[Empress Juju]

I second the small-talk thing. I have noticed that the closest friends & families are not terribly intense... a five-minute phone call to report on the weather every few days, or a weekly half-hour over coffee is generally enough to do the trick. Just logging the frequent, light interactions is enough to get the connection started, and it will strengthen itself if it's meant to.

Showing up is half the battle, GI Joe!

“The world for me has no strangers, only friends I haven't met.”
- Irish saying

[algal]

Great post, as ever.

What I love about your blog is that you combine the intelligence to see the value of a "friend target goal", the humanity to recognize that it is also a bit creepy and cold-blooded, and the grace to finesse this contradiction.

Ideas like "friend target goals" appeal to me rationally but also sort of disgust me emotionally. They can seem false, or in bad taste. This ambivalence usually embarrasses me from acting on such ideas, which is a loss. One thing which aggravates the problem is that, in most cases, the people who are very keen to rationalize their emotional lives seem to be those who are a bit primitive in human and emotional terms to begin with. That is why you are such a delightful exception: you make me it clear there's a cultivated, not-too-cheesy, not-too-brutish way to think strategically about feelings. Bravo!

I am very curious if you too ever felt inhibited by the worry that this kind of reflection is too self-help cheesy or too sordidly Machiavellian. I wouldn't be surprised if this is common obstacle for a lot of people who would otherwise appreciate the intelligence of your work. If it is, and and if you ever felt it too, it'd be great to hear how you came to think about it differently. In a way, this is the happiness issue that must be tackled before all other happiness issues -- accepting that happiness can be a "project".

[Lily b]

A friend of mine finally explained a trait I have found puzzling for years. Having a career in customer service, I was often upset by people who are often contrary in their conversation. For example, if I say, "the roads are a mess with all this rain," they give a diatribe on the need for rain....My friend explain that some people have never learned the art of small talk and it explained it all. They think they are making conversation by bringing up the opposing viewpoint.
In customer service, one (if one is GOOD at it) does not argue with the customer but tries to HEAR them, and has an empathetic conversation.
I think this "devil's advocate" way of talking is prevalent but does not get one the results one desires. It feels like an argument and not like small talk.
Thanks to my friend I am somewhat more patient with these people now because I realize they are small talk challenged.
They do not realize the goal is to connect.