The happiness of seeing the world a little more clearly, by learning the term "service heart."

For me, a great source of happiness – or perhaps intellectual rejoicing is a more accurate description – is when I find a phrase or word that identifies an aspect of human nature that I haven’t previously understood.

For example, several months ago, I posted about darshan. So satisfying to understand darshan! The world came into focus just a bit more clearly.

Several days ago, while reading the Wall Street Journal, I saw an article by Robert Frank about the “butler boom.” I can’t find the exact article online, which I believe was an excerpt from his book Richistan, but the same material is covered on his blog.

In Frank's discussion of the butler boom, an unfamiliar term caught my eye: the “service heart.”

And many household managers talked with pride about what they call "the service heart"— the joy of giving their employers exactly what they want, when they want it, and how they want it. As butler student Dawn Carmichael told me, "I loved knowing what made my employer happy. I know that sounds weird, but making him happy made me happy.”

Ah, the SERVICE HEART! Now that I know this description, I see it in the world around me.

People with a service heart will be happier in certain professions than people with the same job who don’t have a service heart, because some jobs lend themselves to expression of the service heart; conversely, such people might be less happy if they worked in professions that didn’t allow them to satisfy that aspect of their personality.

What jobs allow expressions of the service heart? Not just butlers. Executive assistants, chiefs of staff, nurses, special assistants…

The first of my Twelve Commandments is “Be Gretchen,” and I’ve realized that one of the difficulties of “being Gretchen” is that I must accept myself, as is, which means accepting some things about myself that I wish I could change.

I can imagine that a person with a service heart might wish he or she did not have a service heart. People with a service heart relate to the world in a certain way, and a person might want to be different.

Knowing yourself, accepting what really makes you happy (not what you wish made you happy), is a key to happiness. I’m constantly amazed by the difficulty of following this principle, which seems the most obvious, the most trite, the most stale.

Whether or not you’re considering of training to be a butler, to know that you have a service heart -- or that you don’t have a service heart -- tells you something important about yourself.

If I had the genius and the insight, I would devise a Periodic Table of the Elements for human nature, with the myriad of archetypal forms fitted into an all-embracing elegant pattern. When I was writing Power Money Fame Sex, my favorite times came when I felt that I was groping toward that kind of discovery of the workings of the four worldly desires.

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The other day, I read about a study that purported to show that people can get pleasure from paying taxes (this CBC News account isn’t the article I originally read, but it describes the study). Hmmmm, I thought, I love a good counter-intuitive finding, but this is one of those cases where I’m not sure I buy the conclusion, study or no study.

Occasionally, when I read happiness studies, I'm reminded of Samuel Johnson's refutation of idealist George Berkeley (who, if I remember correctly, denied the existence of matter): Johnson kicked a stone and said, "I refute him thus."

I didn’t think much more about it until I came across Will Wilkinson's comments on his Happiness and Public Policy blog, where he explores some of the weaknesses of the study’s design. Very interesting.

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Comments

[Louise]

I guess I'm weird; I enjoy paying my taxes. I don't like filling out the forms and worrying about the deadlines, but the actual application of money toward the common good gives me a small pleasure.

I see it as paying for services that I need and use every single day: roads, streetlights, clean drinking water and green parks are the most obvious. But more subtle things that vastly increase my quality of life are purchased with my taxes, too.

For instance, we take for granted that most people will obey reasonable laws that make us safer on the roads, that food we buy will be nutritious, that products will perform as we expect. We trust democracy as a reasonable form of government and capitalism as a reasonable model for our economy.

Those things don't just happen. They aren't givens; one trip to another country will show that. Taxes pay for the formation and enforcement of laws; building code; signs; medical research; and thousands of other things that we as individuals could never afford and yet benefit from everyday.

Okay, I know this sounds like a basic civics lesson, but here's my happiness connection:

By directly relating in my mind the check I write to the IRS/State Franchise Board and these benefits, I feel like I'm getting my money's worth. When I camp in the beautiful National Forests, I think to myself, "These are my forests. As an American, I own them and I paid for them." Then I feel happy!

As you've said before, its all about reframing. Taxes don't have to be viewed as a burden, but rather as a source of pride and getting value for the money.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's an excellent point. By framing the taxes that way, you HAVE given yourself a boost in happiness. Very wise -- especially since, as the saying goes, nothing's as sure as death and taxes.

One point that Will Wilkinson made was that people might focus on other uses of their taxes -- military efforts that they didn't support, say. And that would make them unhappy.

I know what you mean about the benefits of focusing on the benefits that mean a lot to you. In addition to stable democracy, always a welcome return on taxes, I get a little charge from stamps, as crazy as that sounds. It always seem so CHEAP to me to be able to mail a letter so easily, and have it arrive so reliably.

[Katie]

I can't say much about taxes, but I *can* share with you my Be Gretchen (er...Be Katie) moment from this weekend.

I have always hated the fact that I have so many pairs of shoes. I didn't want to be one of "those women." So I had a tiny shoe rack in my closet for the number I thought I should have, and the rest were scattered around the floor of my studio apartment. They made me miserable for years. I was always tripping over them, I could never find them, and they got scuffed and damaged. But I wanted to keep them all.

Finally yesterday, I shrugged my shoulders and accepted the fact that I will always have that many shoes. Then I threw money at the problem: I bought a 36-pair shoe rack for my closet door. Now I can find all my shoes, and they're out of the way. My whole apartment seems cleaner and less cluttered. I'm so happy. :)

[miz_dj]

Eureka! I have found the word for it. Thank you for this post, it truly lightened my step today when I thought "well no WONDER I always want to go back to bartending/customer support." It doesn't mean I don't wish I could like doing a job that paid more or had less crazy people...but I love the crazy people!

[Gretchen Rubin]

I wish I could have tracked down the original article. The woman quoted, Dawn Carmichael, said something like, "I thought I was crazy because I really, really cared about finding the right kind of potato chip. Now I know why." And your post shows -- service heart exists!

[amanda]

This is, I think, exactly why I am successful as a server. It genuinely makes me happy to make other people happy, and let's face it, giving people food usually does the trick. :) Of course, it's more complicated than that, but that's really what's at the core of my decision to waitress my way through graduate school.

[Michelle I]

Ah Ha! I think this sheds some serious light on who I am! I have had many, many jobs but the ones where I was the happiest were the service jobs and not the ones where I was "in-charge."
Without the benefit of hindsight and trying to make something of myself, I always strived for the jobs with loads of responsibility--and then wound up hating the heck out of them.
The job where I worked as an Exec Assistant was terrific and I loved the chance to make my boss feel important. I loved thinking ahead and going above & beyond to make his day go more smoothly. I actually did it a little too well because I was quickly promoted to another job that ended badly.
Today, as a SAHM, I became deliriously happy when I was shopping and found a little item that I knew my husband needed and hadn't been able to find for himself. I was on Cloud 9 about it all today and couldn't wait for him to return home to show it off!
So, now you've helped me to realize that I am someone who has a service heart. Reading the other comments, I can also remember loving my summer job as a banquet waitress.
Thanks for raising my self-awareness!

[Gabrielle Adams]

You either have it or you don't. I spent years in customer service, dealing with the sick, people needing computers, the illiterate/non-English speaking community, or the hungry. It made me miserable. Although I happen to be gifted in dealing with those who other agents labeled "difficult" and I got personal thank-yous and people preferred to wait in line to work with me rather than a co-worker, it just wasn't what I loved. It's a hat I can put on, but am so happy to remove at day's end. I'm so thankful that I'm retired and no longer have to talk to people who annoy me. Being a SAHM suits me much better. If I ever am able to return to the workforce (doubtful)I definitely won't be in service.

[Gabrielle Adams]

Do write about your periodic table and the four worldly desires. I, for one, would be fascinated.

[molly]

I'm with Louise. I like paying taxes too, for the reasons she cites, although I often have a cynical feeling that many of my taxes aren't really going to the things I like to think they are. :-)

I like paying bills too; I think it was in a book by Alexandra Stoddard that I read about paying your bills gratefully by considering what you're getting for the money as you write out your check. "I love my beautiful car! I'm so glad I have enough money to drive such a great vehicle." "It was so nice when it was 98 degrees last month to have central air, even if it makes my electrical bill higher." It really is in the way you frame it. Of course, if you don't have enough money to pay the high electrical bill, it's more difficult to frame it in a positive way, but I suppose it would be possible to work out an arrangement with the electric company and still be grateful for the A/C.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Such great advice: make bill- and tax-paying an exercise in gratitude instead of resentment. Re-framing really works.

[Michael M]

I have a service heart! Nothing makes me happier than helping a tourist figure out the New York subway, or helping someone carry their luggage up the subway stairs. (Probably if I had kids I would love helping them even more, but haven't done that yet.)

This is a very helpful idea for me, Gretchen, mainly because it gives me a different angle from the "why don't make as much money as people I went to business school with?" it's partly because ... much as I might like that result, it never really motivated me all that much.

I too like paying taxes. Even though I missed my quarterly deadline. Oops.

[Jean Browman]

I, too, have a service heart. I worked professionally designing software for scientific research, which paid very well. I enjoyed the intellectual challenge, but was happiest when I was doing something for other people. My favorite boss appreciated that aspect of me and another woman. He understood how much it was contributing to the morale of the group.

Eventually he was replaced by a guy who seemed to think it was women's place to wait on guys. He also made it clear he thought people who were too eager to help others were codependent. (He actually used that term.) Such people, in his opinion, are weak and needy. Needless to say, at that point I started doing my volunteering outside of work!

Your talk of the Periodic Table of Elements of human nature has been tried, of course. Not in terms of power, money, fame and sex, but in terms of Extraversion/Introversion, Sensing/Intuition, Thinking/Feeling, and Judging/Perceiving. Carl Jung started the work and Myers and Briggs built on his ideas and developed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which is invaluable for the self-awareness so useful when choosing the right job for your personality. When I took the official test my reaction was, "For the first time in my life I feel deeply understood."

The concepts are also invaluable in understanding other people. One of the most practical books on the subject is The Art of SpeedReading People by Tieger and Barron-Tieger. I've also bought their video training kit and used it in classes I've taught.

The Enneagram is another way of understanding different personalities. I have a huge shelf-load of books/CDs/video tapes on that subject, but the easiest and most fun book I've found is The Enneagram Made Easy by Baron and Wagele.

My husband and I have very different personalities, and I've found both of these methods invaluable for our marriage, as well as when interacting with other people in general.

[David B. Bohl at ReflectionsCoachingLLC.com]

Gretchen,

There's a complimentary soul to the service heart. It's been described as being a "servant leader.'

The term has been popularized over the past few decades, and some describe it as nothing more than a business management style, but it originated thousands of years ago.

A servant leader is one who attends to the needs of others for the overall good of the community, and for the same reasons those with a service heart - for the joy of supporting, encouraging, and being present for others.

There's much to be said for that.

[Judi]

Great article today, Gretchen. The phrase service heart caught my attention as I have been told I have a Servant's Heart, so I Googled it. Wow...close to a million links! Following is one small excerpt from a book by that name, written by Alyice Edrich and her website is The Dabbling Mum. I believe it describes me somewhat. I am happiest when I am listening and so far it does not pay well, if at all, but I accept and actually enjoy that what I have is all I need. Thank you for all your thought provoking articles. I really look forward to each day.

Taking the time to listen to what God wants you to do, humbling yourself to do what He has called you to do, and then faithfully following His orders regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you is truly what a servant’s heart is all about. It’s selfless love at its best and God couldn’t ask for a better gift or testimony of your relationship with Him.