In which I become enraged with my husband and lose my temper.

One question I get a lot is, “So you’ve been doing this Happiness Project. Are you actually happier?”

The answer is YES. But that doesn’t mean that I’m happy all the time, or that I’ve reformed all my bad habits that make me unhappy.

For example, yesterday, I lost my temper with the Big Man. Spectacularly.

I was furious at him. My anger wasn’t about anything interesting (it never is), but the root cause was my feeling that he wasn’t being helpful enough on a major family project, and even worse, he wasn’t appreciative enough of what I was doing.

Those cursed gold stars! I crave them, I demand them!

I’d been feeling slightly annoyed for a few hours, and when the storm broke, I ran through all the classic lines that you’re not supposed to say during a fight:

“You always…”
“You never…”
“For once, why can’t you…?”
“I just don’t understand why…”

I made the gesture that I’ve recently realized is my “tell” for anger – rubbing the heels of my palms against my eyes. I think I may actually have stamped my foot.

The Big Man didn’t get angry in response. He never does. In a way, this is good, because it takes two to fight. In a way, this is bad, because his calm makes me feel like he’s just standing there, waiting for me to finish. Also, the minute I stop feeling furious, I start feeling guilty – which, of course, I also blame on him. If I’m not careful, my feelings of remorse reignite my anger…

It’s not a very productive cycle.

My Happiness Project didn’t keep me from losing my temper. But it did change how I reacted after I’d lost my temper.

As I was winding down my outburst, my catchwords and Twelve Commandments started flashing in my mind: “Let it go,” “I love him, just as he is,” “No calculation.”

I remembered the phenomenon of “unconscious overclaiming,” in which we unconsciously overestimate our contributions relative to other people’s. For example, in one study, when students in a work group each estimated their contribution to the team, the total was 139 percent.

It occurred to me that while I was angry at the Big Man for not being grateful for what I was doing, did I tell him how much I appreciated his dealing with all the vacation logistical details? Nope.

The most helpful thing I remembered was to “Lighten up.” I made a joke, I let the tension dissipate, I gave him a long hug – because I happen to know that you should hold your hug for at least six seconds to optimize the flow of mood-boosting chemicals like oxytocin and serotonin.

So although my Happiness-Project work didn’t allow me to avert my outburst, I did manage to recover much more quickly. I’m hoping that if I keep working on myself, I’ll be able to avoid the outburst altogether.

Many people believe in the “catharsis hypothesis” and think that expressing anger is healthy-minded and relieves feelings. Not so. Studies demonstrate that expressing anger only AGGRAVATES it.

This is sure true for me. When I allow myself to fly into a fury, I end up feeling much angrier, and much worse (and so does the Big Man). When I manage to stay calm, my feelings remain milder.

Once again, I realize that the secret is to live according to my Twelfth Commandment: “There is only love.” So hard, but it’s the way to happiness.

Zoikes, that sounds preachy! And I’m hardly one to preach -- but I know it’s true.

*
If you're interested in how to "make ideas happen, " to spark the fires of creativity but also actually get things done, a great site to check out is Behance. Lots of fascinating material there to inspire people striving for productive creativity.

*
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Comments

[Kevin]

Gretchen -

Thanks for bringing this issue to the blog. While I can imagine it's difficult to discuss these things publicly, I appreciate you doing so.

I'm speaking here as a recently divorced man in his mid-40's. And my story is not pretty -- tho, divorces never are.

And as I piece together the reasons why my marriage failed, I keep coming back to -- guess what -- Happiness.

My wife simply wasn't happy. One of the beliefs I came out of te divorce with was this: "People will be unhappy in a relationship for a while. For years, even. But not forever."

Notice I didn't say 'an unhappy relationship' -- I said 'unhappy in a relationship'. The point I'm trying to make is that it isn't always the relationship that makes people unhappy -- though many will transfer their feelings of unhappiness onto the relationship -- and tell themselves their unhappiness is due to the relationship. This motives ending marriages.

To me, a real value from your project would be to assist in *identifying corretly the source of the unhappiness*. Even if you are unhappy with The Big Man (as we know him ;-) ), does this mean that it's *him* that causes your unhappiness?

You seem to be addressing this issue with a clear head and I respect and admire that. But I'll bet there are others that don't have the same handle on the real source of their unhappiness.

So, again I'd like to thank you for bringing this out if for no other reason it gives me an opportunity to share what I've learned (and learned the hard way).

And I'll close with this thought: If you're unhappy in your relationship, seek first to find and treat the source of unhappiness in yourself, before you transfer the blame to others. Because, even if someone else *is* the cause of your unhappiness, becoming happy has to start and end with you and how you deal with things. And if you can become happy and keep your relationship together, you'll save the life-long impact and pain that can come with divorce.

Thanks again,
Kevin
http://www.21st-century-citizen.com

[Sharyn]

Oh, my gosh - such great stuff!
Gretchen, Preach On - it's so true. Love IS all there is - it's what's immortal.

So, your HUMAN, and in your humanity, your learning and making progress and trying to pass it on - how wonderful!

Kevin's got it right, too. We are ultimately the only ones responsible for our lives and how we live them. I recently realized that even though I really knew how blessed I was, how good my life was, I didn't show it to my loved ones enough. And what better way to honor your relationship with your spouse, with your children, with your parents, with anyone you care about than to let your happiness/satisfaction/love SHOW. Don't hold it back - don't assume anyone else knows. That's my new goal.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, knowing the CAUSE of unhappiness is a key aspect of happiness -- because that's the only way to do anything about it. And you're right, it's very easy to hold another person responsible, so it takes a lot of work to analyze what is really going on.
This reminds me of one of my favorite happiness quotations -- something Bob Dylan wrote about his wife:
“I looked at the menu, then I looked at my wife. The one thing about her that I always loved was that she was never one of those people who thinks that someone else is the answer to their happiness. Me or anybody else. She’s always had her own built-in happiness.”

[adora]

Iron deficiency can make you irritability as well. Watch your vitamin C and iron intake.

Thanks for the research about "unconscious overclaiming". Knowing so would help staying happy in all kinds of team work.

I love that Bob Dylan quote too. Too many people want happiness to be handed to them. Even so, they wouldn't recognize it.

[katie]

Gretchen, sometimes you write about something like this, and it sounds like you're being so hard on yourself. It makes me just want to give you a hug and tell you it's ok to be a normal human being.

Yes, you're on a quest to obtain the ultimate in happiness, but you're also human. People get mad. It's a natural human reaction. People argue and have fights and blow up at each other. If they love one another, as you and The Big Man do, they recognize that these release valves go off sometimes but don't have much bearing on the relationship itself.

Give yourself a break! Sunshine isn't nearly so sweet without the rainclouds in between. That's why human nature encompasses ALL emotions, not just the positive ones. Don't try to shed yourself of those parts of your human nature, or you'll lose half the definition of what makes happiness so good! :)

[mel]

I am so glad to hear someone else say that catharsis is a load of phooey! I find that when I really lose it and give in to the impulse to lash out, I've just fed the anger and made it stronger. The last time I got ripping mad, I went full-tilt on the elliptical trainer until I was tired out enough to think calmly again.

This mini-article about how our brains flood with chemicals that prevent rational thinking when we're highly emotional might interest you: http://pd.ilt.columbia.edu/projects/exsel/aboutsel/hijack.htm

[AML]

This is a wonderful post, all you can do is recover faster. It would be boring and non-productive of growth if you didn't stumble sometimes!

You are so right about "there is only love." The best book I know addressing this subject is "Conscious Loving" by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. Here is a quote: "It is resistance to love that causes the problems. There is nothing wrong with love. Love is a force that focuses its light on the deepest shadowy parts of ourselves... When these parts of ourselves emerge, we often retreat, blaming love and those who have loved us." I can't find the better quote I have in mind but I highly recommend this book.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm off to look at the Hendricks book right now...
I know sometimes I may sound like I'm being very hard on myself, but in real life, I'm really not! I'm trying hard, but not so hard that I'm making myself crazy. And I've really noticed that I AM happier when I do a better job of living up to my goals.

[Cat]

Gretchen - I just really want to thank you for your posts. I struggle with some similar issues. I too really like gold stars and get bent out of shape if I feel like household work isn't being split evenly. My husband and I got into a spat this weekend about who was having to drop off the kids at summer camp more often (and thus get into work late). It was helpful to read about the issue of "unconcious overclaiming" - I remember you writing about this previously. Anyway - thank you!

[AML]

I already commented on this post but had another thought... About the gold stars, I certainly understand craving and demanding them, me too! But once you get them...how do you feel? For me, I find that much as I like to think about gold stars, I am not always comfortable when I actually get them. Maybe I just can't accept a compliment!

[Modern Worker]

Kudos for being so open and sharing with us! I really enjoy reading your posts and this one is no exception. I learned something new with the 6 second hug, thanks =)

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[Amanda]

Nice article, I am so similiar to that. I just blow up. I kept anger in as a child and was always told or thought that maybe it's better to let it out, I guess not though. It just seems to make it worse and make an argument drag on forever. Maybe if I could keep my mouth shut more and remember your commandments and remember that love is what is needed, then I wouldn't become so easily upset and fly off the handle like I do. Thanks again, I love reading your articles.

[Amy Romero]

This is a load of phooey in itself! Love is not all there is and if you think it is, then you are either ignorant, naive, blind or all three. I don't care who you are, each of us feel love, hate, pain, anger, happiness, sorrow, joy, and a variety of other emotions that make us who we are. It is impossible to feel only love without understanding what it is to hate. It is impossible to feel happiness without understanding what it is to feel sorrow. If you truly think you can go through life feeling only happiness and love, you are fooling yourself and only yourself...actually, you seem to be doing a pretty good job fooling the other people who have commented here. I however will not be falling for this, buying your book, or otherwise giving this "phooey" any further notice. I will continue to enjoy my life the way it is...full of all the wonderful emotions that I embrace and love about the human race!

[Jeff]

Proving ourselves

Long after a bitter failure, some of us still cling to the hope that we can erase the defeat in some spectacular way. One dream is to "prove ourselves"

to those who scorned us or put us down. This never really works, even when we do become winners at some later time. For one thing, we may be proving

ourselves to people who never will like us. If we are striving to show others that we can succeed, we are still dancing to their tune. We are accepting

their idea of what success should be. Many of us failed simply because we were alcoholics and could do no better. We might have destroyed opportunities

that will never arise again. But by finding sobriety, we may already have proved ourselves to those who really count in our lives including ourselves.

I can prove today that the Twelve Step program works and that a loving Higher Power is present in my life.

My Twelve Commandments

[cm]

I love this site....I am so glad I found it. I enjoy feeling Good...I did not always feel that way. Depends on how you were taught and brought up but you can't hide behind that forever. If you are mad and unhappy STOP...think about why you enjoy being that way, because you always have? Smile at someone, anyone, each person that you see on the street, the more that you do this the more you come out of yourself and making someone smile makes me feel good. GEt out of yourself, bloom.....

[theaxx]

hehehe, this post made me laigh - especially the part of the classicangry 'questions' Oh yes. I do believe those exact words came out of my mouth a few days ago, hmmm...

Okay I am now going to hug longer, breathe deeply, and thank for things I might not have thought of. Good times.

thea.
xx

www.forthevisionaries.tumblr.com

[Clare]

I have to disagree about the idea that expressing anger feeds it and gives it energy. When I express my anger completely I find out what is troubling me and it gets resolved. I have learned that my anger is for a reason, and I need to find out what that is, by talking about it and examining it.

On the other hand, things that made me angry years ago that I tried to simply accept calmly STILL tend to upset me.

Notice that "express" does not mean insult and hurt and blame someone else.

But this whole idea of calming down is too much like simply ignoring my own needs, which definitely does not help me get to the bottom of things. I have learned how to express myself strongly without being hurtful (of course I still slip sometimes..ahem!) and that is BY FAR the most constructive way for me to let go of whatever is bothering me, learn from it and come up with a plan of action.

[Nathan]

Gretchen, it appears your have comment spammers on this post!

My wife and I have found the whole anger catharsis thing false as well, and have really enjoyed the Drs. Gottman research and books on the subject. We have attended two seminars with the Gottman Institute (http://www.gottman.com/), and got a lot out of them.

Neither my wife or I are affiliated in any way with the Gottmans.

[Mia]

Lovely post, thank you for sharing this. Interesting what you said about hugging for longer than 6 seconds - my family don't do 'real hugs' very well, so I don't really care when I get a half-hug from any of them, they don't make me feel anything (even though I love my family a lot). I'm not a very huggy or physically affectionate person, I like my personal space. But I LOVE receiving 'real hugs' on the rare occassion someone gives them - I remember receiving one 'real hug', from a friend of my mother's, not a person I know well or am close too - but, wow, that made me feel really, really good. It made me realize what my family was missing. It also made me cry.