My Experiments in the Practice of Everyday Life

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August 23, 2007
21 Comment

When it comes to happiness – or enthusiasm, or friendliness – are Midwesterners different?

We’re in Kansas City, Missouri (just a few blocks from the Kansas state line, but we Kansas Citians care a lot about the distinction) for the yearly summer visit to my parents.

As always, I love being in Kansas City.

By coincidence, a few days before this trip, I had dinner in New York with one of my best friends from high school, who now lives in Brooklyn.

We were talking about Kansas City, and she mentioned that she had decided that Midwesterners really WERE more friendly and enthusiastic than people on the East Coast.

I’ve heard that, of course, but I never noticed too much of a difference myself. So this trip, I’ve been trying to pay attention.

People do seem less hurried. Clerks in stores are more chatty and helpful. Drivers don’t even turn into an intersection if a pedestrian is crossing (in NYC, they practically edge you out of the way with their bumpers).

Certainly the people walking around move more slowly than I’m used to. In a recent fascinating cover story in New York Magazine, Clive Thompson’s Why New Yorkers Live Longer, I read that a “recent ranking of cities found that New York has the fastest pedestrians in the country.”

Of course, the flip side to “not hurried” is “slow.” When you’re in a hurry, this slower pace can be slightly irritating. But overall, it’s a much nicer atmosphere.

I’m not so sure that people are really more friendly. Part of the friendlier atmosphere comes from not being in such a rush. People take the time to exchange a few words.

There’s a kind of friendliness peculiar to New York, too. Odd things are always happening, and you’re always around lots of other people, many of whom have hilarious commentary to offer.

Nevertheless, this exercise has made me appreciate the value of adding a few extra words to a routine exchange. Even a “Hot enough for you?” as clichéd as it is, makes an encounter seem more pleasant.

I’m not good about talking to strangers, so it’s an effort for me to offer these little remarks, but I’ve noticed the big difference it makes in the emotional tone of my day.

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  • http://www.charlotteotter.wordpress.com Charlotte

    Good point. I can’t speak for the USA, but I’ve just returned to Germany after a holiday in Italy and I’m enjoying have those little conversational niceties with strangers again that I couldn’t manage there because I don’t speak Italian. It really helps to be able to have little chats with people – it does make a day go smoother.
    Having said that, I LOVED the slow pace in Tuscany. It was dreamy and relaxing.

  • http://zendreaming.blogspot.com Zataod

    I grew up and live in the Midwest. I found as a kid that people out West, especially Arizona were especially friendly. I’ve been to NYC a few times and found people there very friendly as well.
    Maybe the experience of visiting a place is a lot different than the experience of living in a place. I would like to have my vacation mindset more often when I’m not on vacation.

  • Chris

    First of all, on behalf of your KC readership (is it just me?!?), welcome back.
    I am a native Kansas Citian who escaped for a few years out to the West Coast. While there, I snagged a native New Yorker as a spouse. Wanting to buy a house and not pay out the nose for it, we decided we needed to be living elsewhere. Planning to have children we thought it nice to be near family, and since going to NY would have put us back in the “paying out the nose for a house” situation, we ended up back in KC.
    So in the same vain as your comments my wife, as a New Yorker now living in Kansas City, has the opposite viewpoint. Her pet peeve about Midwesterners is that we often talk around issues to avoid confrontation — refer to the term “Minnesota Nice” for a more extreme version of what she’s getting at. Her claim is that New Yorkers aren’t unfriendly, they’re just more direct, which I would mostly agree with. I think some of the confusion stems from the assumption that this “unfriendliness” we perceive from New Yorkers is the same as “ill-will”. I think that New Yorkers aren’t uncaring, they just don’t express themselves in a way that we define as “friendliness”.
    Don’t tell her that I’m saying this (*smile*), but unfortunately I’ve seen this regional difference play out in bad ways between my wife and others (including myself!). I’ve seen her friends fade away because she’s rubbed them the wrong way. Rather than become assimilated to the Midwestern way, she just complains that she can’t be direct with people without them becoming offended! On one hand I can understand that being part of your culture and personality, but on the other hand, when in Rome… It’s funny but also frustrating, because although she claims the “New York way” is best, there have been numerous times when people have been direct with her and she’s had the same reaction that a Midwesterner would!
    Thanks for letting me vent… :)

  • David

    As a life long resident of the Midwest and traveler, I agree the pace is slower than other areas of the U.S. It is still faster paced than Hawai’i.
    I have found courtesy to be universal. People seem to be more friendly when you treat them with respect, common courtesy and simple words: please, thank you, yes ma’am, no sir. My wife and I have engaged people with courtesy and been entertained with stories, local history, tips about the locale and quality customer service.
    When I make the effort to be pleasant and courteous, my “emotional tone” is much better, too.

  • Melissa

    You know…
    I don’t really know about the midwest (my family has trended towards the coasts), but I was surprised at how friendly New Yorkers were.
    As a child, I went to upstate New York every year with my family… and the quiet pace of life made everyone seem friendly there. But this last summer, we stopped in the city for a few days, and my sister and I were amazed and the friendliness.
    We’re from San Diego, where everyone is in a hurry, in their own cars, on the freeway, in traffic. No one looks at each other… avoiding eye contact seems essential to most people.
    But being in the city… people struck up conversations with us everywhere. Especially on the trains and subways, we were amazed! Maybe its because we seemed like amazed California kids, but strangers would talk and joke with us. People there seemed brash and rude when you’re not in direct personal contact with them (on the streets, etc), but when we actually encountered most of them, New Yorkers were so friendly!
    That, and having grown up with a New York family, we finally realized where a lot of our mannerisms come from… for once, pedestrian traffic went at a reasonable pace! (We enjoyed speed-walking around the midwesterners). Actually… we enjoyed walking, period. Everything here in the CA suburbs is so spread out… no one walks. Anywhere.
    Anyways, to my original point… I thought NYers were friendly!

  • Sara

    As a Midwesterner who likes to walk fast and doesn’t like to chat with strangers, I find myself less happy than the people around me!

  • Sharyn

    My take on it is that New York is a lot better place to visit than it was twenty years ago – people are more considerate and “nicer”, the crime rate is a lot lower, and Central Park is a much prettier, more pleasant place to spend time. If Midwesterners are friendlier, New York is catching up.

  • http://coffeebetsy.blogspot.com/ Betsy

    I grew up in the midwest, lived on the east coast for 15 years, and just moved back. In my experience, people are MUCH more friendly in the midwest. People will smile and make eye contact, for example, in a way that I just didn’t see where I was before.
    My brother and I used to joke that the reason for it is that TV prime time starts at 7:00, rather than 8:00, so the extra hour of sleep allows midwesterners the energy to be nicer.

  • Lauren

    I’ve lived in New York for 2.5 years and have come to resent the unfriendly New Yorker stereotype. New Yorkers are extremely helpful to one another. We do much more than give each other a disengenuous, Nice weather? I believe that because millions of people are sharing a compact space and limited resources, it fosters a more authentic unity. In navigating streets and subways, hailing cabs, or finding our way in a blackout, New Yorkers pull together. I wuld rather ask for help from a New Yorker than from anyone eklse int he country. (I think the rude mentality comes from New York restaurant waistaff who tend to nix pleasantries and can be condescending not only to tourists but even lifelong New Yorkers. I think it’s because they’re all starving artists and struggling actors.)

  • Debi

    Chris, your not the only KC reader! I moved here with my husband and daughter 2 years ago. My husband and I met in Las Vegas, but his parents live in southern Kansas and mine in central Missouri. Once we had a child, it made much more sense to get back to family.
    The whole 8 years I lived in Las Vegas, I longed for the Midwestern sensibility I’d grown up with. Vegas probably has the worst of mix of traits from the people who’ve moved there from California and the East Coast.
    Gretchen, you may not be comfortable making small talk with strangers one-on-one, but I for one am glad that you’re so willing to be open with strangers on the internet. Your blog is wonderful and I look forward each day to your tips on how to be happier!

  • http://profile.typekey.com/carroll.jk/ Jeff

    Since I grew up in Indiana, midwestern manners seem normal to me, not especially nice or polite, and not especially leisurely in pace.
    People in the Midwest get up ungodly early in the morning, go to work early, and stay until late in the evening. They’re heavily invested in social conventions and class consciousness.
    The pace of life may appear to be slower outside office hours (because there’s not that much to do in much of the Midwest), but society is still fairly strictly organized around the Protestant work ethic.
    A few years ago, I spent some time in Overland Park on business. KC doesn’t seem much different from the rest of the Midwest. Chicago, on the other hand, while not as frantic as New York, is certainly not relaxed.
    My perception of New Yorkers is that they’re actually MORE outgoing than Midwesterners. The directness that others cited above is often interpreted by Midwesterners as rudeness, but when I’m in the New York metro area I (especially as an impatient pedestrian) actually appreciate the pace of life and the aggressive motorist behavior, because it’s far easier to predict what other drivers are going to do.
    In contrast to New Yorkers, it’s Bostonians and Washingtonians that strike me as standoffish, aloof, and rude.
    But if you’re really looking for friendliness, kindness, cameraderie, and a more relaxed pace of life, you should come south of the Ohio. Tennessee and Alabama are the friendliest, most relaxed places I have ever lived.

  • http://themusingsofinihtar.blogspot.com Inihtar

    I moved to Minnesota to go to college as an international student, then moved to London, then to New York. In comparing them, I did find that Midwesterners were more easy going and chattier, at least on the surface.(Minnesota nice doesn’t always run deep!)
    What makes me shudder about New York is the customer service there — walk into a drug store or a subway station and God help you if you need to ask the staff for anything. If looks and words could kill, I’d have died many times over!!
    In comparing NYC to London (where you don’t expect people to be particularly friendly), I found a definite absence of the nastiness I found in New York. They go about their jobs without being overly friendly but certainly without making you want to curl up and die either.

  • http://practicallyperfectbook.blogspot.com Jennifer

    It’s funny how you don’t even notice it. I’d never seen much of the country until this summer, and I was struck how chatty Seattle was. It was nice and all, but more than once, I thought, “Why are you talking to me?”

  • Kristin

    New Yorkers are not a good gauge of easterners. They’re New Yorkers, a breed apart.
    I used to live in Atlanta and expected ‘southern hospitality’. Nope. Nowhere to be found. In fact, it’s only in Charlotte, NC that I’ve found that ‘southern hospitality’.
    Boston’s friendly .. and they’re eastern.

  • http://hobbitwerk.brinkster.net David

    While I agree that the middle western “niceness” is a fair stereotype, the protestant work ethic is false. As a transplant from all over the place but most recently after ten years in Los Angeles, I can attest to the fact that people on the coasts live in a more competitive environment. You work hard, earn more but because the cost of living outpaces the wage difference, the living is harder.
    I think it’s also important to remember that small talk and friendliness are not necessarily the same thing. Rather than forge deep friendships, many people are fairly happy to keep everyone on a “weather talk” level of intimacy. I don’t consider that, especially over the long term, friendship – it’s got a sense of falseness to it (there’s got to be more to life than temperature… )
    But as a transplant in Sotuh Dakota, all in all, I don’t mind living in South Dakota, especially when I’m sitting on my deck and enjoying a quiet read, something I’d never have gotten (until age 50?) in California.

  • http://www.slowdownfast.com/blog David B. Bohl at SlowDownFAST.com

    I really don’t like generalizations and stereotypes, yet I can share some personal observations. I have lived in Chicago and New Yory City, I spent a good deal of time working in London, and I now live in southeastern Wisconsin.
    I’ve read the studies that suggest that Midwesterners perceive Californians to be happier than them, and that Californians perceive themselves to be happier than Midwesterners, yet there is no actual difference in the levels of happiness between the two.
    What I will say is that the larger metropolitan areas tend to be much busier. New York has a deserved reputation for being a “hurried” city, whereby cities in the Midwest tend not to be so.
    So … in answer to your question, I don’t believe that Midwesterners choose to live in the Midwest (when they make the conscious choice) because they enjoy the pace of life here. That’s why I’m no longer in Chicago, New York, and London. I perceive that it allows me to be happier, more enthusiastic, and friendlier. It allows me to make the time for things that are important to me.

  • http://sherrileigh.wordpress.com Sherri Leigh

    What an interesting point. I have lived in both hurried and not hurried places, and I would have to agree that it is the pace that gives off the impression of being friendlier. The New Yorkers and the Jersey folks are just as polite as the midwesterners and southwesterners. They just move a little faster.

  • http://www.fleur-de-lisa.com Lisa

    I was born and raised in the Midwest, moved away for over a decade and have now returned to the Midwest. I lived in, among other places, Hawaii and California and I travel extensively around the United States.
    I’m friendly and outgoing and tend to make chit-chat with strangers around me. I’ve found that the Midwest is one of the least friendly areas. People here will look at you like you’re insane or outright ignore you when you are making polite conversation. The Midwest may be slow-paced, but that doesn’t make it friendly.
    On a recent trip to Seattle, I was blown away by the friendly and outgoing people there. NYC has also been given an un-fair image.

  • marit

    There’s a book out called Foreign to Familiar: A Guide to Understanding Hot – And Cold – Climate Cultures by Sarah A. Lanier
    It’s fun and easy to read and explains why there can be such a difference in cultures, even in one country! It definately helped me understand the different places I’ve live. Varying from Norway, to Uganda, Ethiopia, Kenya, Louisiana and the Netherlands.

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