Why it’s worth making an effort to keep in touch with old friends.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about friendship. Studies show that having close relationships is one of the absolute key elements to a happy life. One of my goals is to make new friends, but perhaps an even more important goal is to try to stay close to the friends I already have.

With this in mind, when two of my college roommates ended up on the East Coast for part of the summer, I made a big effort to try to coordinate a reunion.

It took a ridiculously long chain of emails to set the date, and I had to leave our family vacation for a day to come back into Manhattan, but yesterday, we all met at the clock in Grand Central Station. One friend came down from Cambridge, one came in from New Jersey, where she was visiting from California.

We didn’t do much. We ate lunch, we walked around, we got some cones of Tasti-D-Lite (I had two), we wandered around a bookstore, then it was time to walk to Penn Station so our Cambridge-bound friend could catch her train home. (Random New York City mystery: how does anyone from out of town know that Penn Station is UNDER Madison Square Garden? Why aren’t there any signs?) My other friend spent the night; we watched Spinal Tap and Bladerunner and ate pizza.

The three of us haven’t seen each other much in recent years, and it was interesting to see where our relationships picked up. We spent no time reminiscing about college; we spent a little time exchanging updates about our families and various mutual friends.

Mostly, however, we talked about our lives right now. Even though we don’t play active roles in each other’s daily routines, we felt comfortable confiding in each other. Somehow, there’s a level of trust that underlies longstanding friendships that’s very hard to re-create with newer friends.

Losing a friend is very painful, even if it’s just the result of logistical difficulties, and the day reminded me that even a short visit can do a lot to keep a friendship alive.

*
As I've noted before, I've joined the excellent new network, LifeRemix. I wish I could post a description of each of the member blogs, but that's going to have to wait until I get back from vacation. My technical set-up here isn't great.

*
New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.

Comments

[Maffalda]

One good tip to avoid "ridiculously long chains of emails to set the date" is to use www.doodle.ch. Works wonders.

[Toby]

Nice post - one thing though, the movie you watched was "This is Spinal Tap" not "Spinal Tap" :-p

[Self Help Zone]

We I have 2587 emails stored from one of my friends... :)

[Mike D]

I've been reading Leo Babauta's Zenhabits for a couple months now and followed his link to LifeRemix and discovered The Happiness Project. I've read through about 5 articles already and I think I'll just try and digest thouse before I move on. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for making me think.

[Modern Worker]

Networking, networking, networking. I just receive a great freelance gig from a buddy I knew years and years ago because he's connected via Facebook.

[Carm]

You're right, it's so important. I have lists of people I intend to keep in touch with, and with some people I am better than others. One woman (an old family friend) write me a lovely letter about a year ago. I kept intending to write or call or visit her in return. Just a couple days ago I learned she has passed away.

So the lesson is keep in touch. You never know when it will be too late.

[Mattias Johansson]

Yes! You used my absolute favourite word "logistics"!!

[Felicia Mitchell]

There is something about old friends that does allow us to pick up where we left off, and there is something about new friends that reminds us that we are vital. Sometimes I wonder if my own latest effort to be less reclusive and do stuff with friends, as you write about here, is tied to research on social networking and reduction of risk for dementia--or to the need to balance the time I spend with people with dementia. Whatever the reason, I am surprising myself, a loner, with the ability (it takes some fortitude) to reach out a little more to old friends and new. Your posting made me realize that for whatever reason we do it, it's not a bad idea. It's certainly keyed to happiness.

[George Emsden]

People are sometimes surprised that I seem to be the one who gets in touch or maybe organises a reunion.
As I see it, you can spend your whole life thinking "I wonder whatever happened to ?????" or you can take the initiative. A simple choice.
The apathy of some people is disappointing, but the warmth you get (and give) to people you actually do meet again, more than make up for it.