Do you think children bring happiness? Some experts say no; I say yes.

Today was the Little Girl’s first day of pre-school. She’ll only go two mornings a week, but still, this is the beginning of SCHOOL. We were both excited.

It’s a sunny, crisp day here in New York City, and I thought to myself, “Boy, it doesn’t get better than this,” as I pushed the stroller on our way there.

I’ve seen the argument that children don’t, in fact, add to people’s happiness. I don’t believe that. (I’m not arguing that people can’t be happy without children; of course they can.)

Children add to happiness for many reasons, but one way is that they help supply a key element to a happy life: an atmosphere of growth.

My First Splendid Truth is: To be happier, think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

No surprise, watching the growth of my children is exciting and gratifying. It’s thrilling to see them take each step forward.

But that’s not the only way they help provide “an atmosphere of growth.” Having children contributes to my growth, too. It requires me to learn new skills and new information. It puts me in contact with a new set of people; this morning I met a woman and her son who live on the corner of my block, whom I’d never seen before! It broadens my existence – would I know anything about Laurie Berkner, Ten Minutes Till Bedtime, or High School Musical if I didn’t have kids?

In keeping with family tradition, I took the Little Girl’s picture this morning, of her holding a sign that read, “First day of pre-school – September 18, 2007.” I do this on the last day each year, too. It occurred to me that before I knew it, three years would pass, and I’d be taking her picture with a sign saying “Last day of pre-school – June 2010.”

That’s the thing about life with children: the days are long, but the years are short. I want to revel in this first day, because in a flash, nursery school will be over.

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Comments

[Ella]

Tomorrow is my older girl's first day of her last year of preschool, and I was already feeling nostalgic tonight as I helped her pick out her outfit and got the camera ready; when I saw her teachers from last year at parent orientation this morning, I nearly got teary-eyed. I love the first day of school.

[Jim Stutsman]

I'm just a few days short of 60, so I'm at a completely different stage of life from where you are. Thus I feel I'm qualified to offer up an opinion. I've raised 3 sons, and I can say with certainty that children DO bring happiness. At times they can also bring every other human emotion to bear in abundance, and in the adolescent years if you don't rue the day you created them, you aren't parenting right! Raising kids has never been easy, and the older they get, the harder the job of raising them becomes. When they finally leave the nest, you look back and say that you would not trade the experience for any amount of money, and you likewise would not repeat it.

The ultimate happiness "payoff" though, comes not from your children, but your grandchildren. With them you are no longer in the authorative parental role, indeed you are almost a peer. It's positively magic to rediscover the world through their eyes, as well as finding new ways to delight them. The same hand-cranked snow cone toy that was annoying and messy when my own kids were growing up, is now an adventure to be shared with the granddaughters. The best cure for arthritis is getting down on the floor to build the "Thomas the Tank" train layout for the hundredth time. It gets no better than this!

[Chuck]

My family is my world and part of that world is two wonderful children. Each day isn't always easy. However, I can honestly say there isn't a day where they don't add joy to my life or that I don't feel blessed and honored to have them.

My wife and I have been married 18 years and for 3 of those years I didn't think I wanted children. Then, it took 3 years trying for us to have our first. We now have a handsome 12 year old son and a gorgeous, almost 11 year old daughter.

Every day I thank God he changed my heart about having children and then allowed us the honor of doing so.

Our children are miracles that most certainly bring happiness to our lives.

Blessings and happiness,
Chuck

p.s. I never said it wasn't a sometimes chaotic adventure, but adventures can be fun and rewarding.

[andrea from the fishbowl]

For sure, being a parent helps teach a new set of skills, and I feel like I've grown as a person... but for me the happy part is showing my children the wonderful world around us. They remind me that life is a big adventure.

And it also gives me an excuse to recreate some happy childhood memories. They give us an excuse to be silly, which is a lot of fun in itself.

[Scott]

My son started preschool this year also. He's growing up too fast. I gave up a lot of freedom to have a child, but I'll tell you, the older he gets, the more I see that it was more than worth it!

Scott

[John Radke]

Gretchen - I'd say that like everything else in life, it depends on your attitude. If you think your kids are an annoying nuisance, then that's what they are. If you think they are an opportunity for infinite learning and growth, then that's what they are.

I'm not a parent, but I have two neices and a nephew that I love to pieces. In my experience, the kids can be annoying as hell (whining, crying, jumping, not listening, etc.) but you HAVE to take it in stride. They are not being malicious whatsoever, they're just emotionally immature. Children are not stupid, or mean, or selfish, they're simply inexperienced!

[John]

The reason small children bring happiness is that they allow adults to once again see the world as if they themselves were young again.

Think about it, when was the last time you watched a bug cross a sidewalk and wondered where it was going.

Children bring happiness when they remind us to stop being busy and serious. They bring us the reminder that life is sometimes about that magic word "PLAY".

[EAC]

I love this blog!!! It's a little off-topic, but reading this post and these comments sent a burst of happiness through me, so I felt compelled to share it.

Gretchen, what a service you do in bringing together like-minded people! One of the things I really enjoy about this community is, though the Perspectives may differ, a lot of people are here with the same Attitude. I.e., though we may approach things differently (and to each his own), there is a real spirit of...happiness! Positivity! Helpfulness and kindess. I LOVE IT!

[David B. Bohl at SlowDownFAST.com]

Gretchen,

Excellent post. I've read the studies as well, and I remain unconvinced.

Why? I think it’s possible that the authors of these studies are confusing the word 'pleasure' with the term 'personal fulfillment'.

Pleasure is a feeling that’s hard to define, illusive to find, and something that everyone strives to experience. We all look for ways to find enjoyment and gratification in our everyday lives. Sometimes we equate pleasure too directly to happiness.

I see personal fulfillment as something distinctly different. It involves many things, including not only relationships that we have with others, including children (as suggested by the survey), but also learning and growing, self-realization/self-actualization/self-definition, reaching your highest potential and levels of creativity, and simply being contented with where you’re at and where you’re going.

Sometimes our desires for immediate and ever-lasting pleasure interfere with what’s most important - our attitudes, beliefs, values, and virtues - the very things that contribute the most to our personal fulfillment. I rate my kids very high on that list.

[m]

I think the answer varies from person to person, as it should. There is no absolute correct response to that question.

Often children bring happiness because many of those who have children wanted children and thus feel happy because they finally have something they've been wanting for some time, and in some cases wanting desperately for a long time.

Children in and of themselves don't bring happiness. The expectation and desires of the person making that assessment determine whether one is happy with a child or not.

The reasons you give could be applied to a million other experiences--new jobs, schooling, etc. Many experiences provide an environment of growth and lead people to continually grow as a person. Certainly children are not the sole source of those experiences.

Additionally, there are definitely many who do not feel happy about having children or when around children, so both extremes exist, though I hope for the sake of children that those who have them want them and are happy with them. No child should feel unwanted or feel that they bring unhappiness to others.

[Jaimie]

Oh, my. Some of these comments are just so sweet to read (Jim Stutsman's comments about grandparenthood and Chuck's comments about his heart being changed toward fatherhood particularly touched me). My husband and I are hoping to start a family of our soon, and although it's sometimes overwhelming to contemplate I also see it as excitingly transformative.

[aichaku]

My child brings me great joy simply because I really enjoy him as a person. He's a human being who I can't imagine not having in my life. Together with his human-ness and personality, he definitely brings me many challenges. eg. He's only but we already have differences in opinions and I need strive hard instil discipline in him and make him understand my perspectives. Yet, overall it makes me extremely happy to interact with and be with him, and also like you said, grow up together with my child.