How do you deal with feelings of competitiveness or mean-spiritedness? I tried applying one of my Twelve Commandments.

I finally realized that not only am I working on my own Happiness Project, I am also a crusader for EVERYONE to have a happiness project! Join in, do your own! Everyone’s project will look different, everyone’s project will be fascinating.

For instance, several months ago, I heard that A. J. Jacobs was working on a new book, The Year of Living Biblically. That sure sounded like he was doing a happiness project, albeit a quirky one.

I knew A. J. Jacobs was a fantastic writer, because I’d LOVED his last book, The Know-It-All. In fact, it made my list of “Books that Made Me Laugh Out Loud.” (So far, this list has stayed very short, please send any recommendations.)

My reaction to The Year of Living Biblically is a good example of how I put a happiness-project strategy to work.

This was the situation: I knew that A. J. Jacobs was working on his book. I knew he was a great writer. I knew it sounded like a happiness project.

As a result, I felt competitive, anxious, mean-spirited. I felt like he’d encroached on “my” territory. I wanted his book to be bad, so my book would seem better. It wasn’t a happy feeling.

Then I reminded myself of one of my Twelve Commandments (see left column): Act the way I want to feel. How did I want to feel? I wanted to feel magnanimous, generous, admiring. I wanted A. J. Jacobs to feel like an ally, not a competitor.

So, out of the blue, I sent him an email and told him how much I loved The Know-It-All. I mentioned that, like him, I lived in New York City and would love to get coffee if he wanted to.

Guess what?

He emailed me back – a very nice email. We met for coffee. We talked shop about writing books about self-experimentation. He gave me an advance copy of The Year of Living Biblically. He invited me to his book party.

Guess what? Now I do, in fact, feel magnanimous, generous, and admiring. I have a known friend instead of an imaginary enemy.

His book comes out on October 9, and I’m sure it will be a HUGE success, and I’m happy about that. His book is hilarious, it’s thoughtful, it’s provocative, it’s enlightening. He does a masterful job of combining goofy elements, like photos of his beard growing progressively wild, with transcendent subjects like the nature of spirituality and religious history.

His happiness project is very relevant to mine, even though our two approaches are quite different; this is probably true of every happiness project. We learn about ourselves by learning about other people.

But about that email -- that's one thing that never ceases to amaze me about my happiness project – it really DOES work. When I take the steps I know I should take, it does result in more happiness.

And what if A. J. Jacobs hadn’t answered me? It wouldn't have mattered that much. Just having sent that email made me feel better. Because I’d acted in a friendly way, I felt friendly. And happier.

*
Considering doing your own happiness project? Join the Happiness Project group on Facebook to swap ideas, strategies, and experiences. For instance, maybe you want to write your own Commandments.

Comments

[Julie Hilden]

A few books that have made me laugh out loud:

Kingley Amis's Lucky Jim

Martin Amis's The Information

This is a great category to think about!

Julie

[Jackie Danicki]

David Sedaris - especially in Me Talk Pretty One Day and Naked - makes me laugh out loud. His books can be tricky to read on public transport if you don't want everyone to see you weeping tears of laughter.

[Deanna]

A book that made me cry on an airplane (because I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud) is The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro. She has several in the same series. Hee-larious.

[Ella]

Book that made me laugh out loud, repeatedly: Mark Helprin, Freddy and Fredericka. Absolutely hilarious.

[Mrs. Micah]

Very healthy of you! Especially nice that you two got to hang out. And inspiring for the rest of us who might be interesting in doing something similar but are too timid.

[Rebecca]

Hi, Gretchen--love your blog and have subscribed to the Happiness Group on Facebook, too.

Try "How to be Good", by Nick Hornby and "Do Try to Speak as We Do, Diary of an American Au Pair", by Marjorie Leet Ford--I promise you will be howling, and I agree with the first reader's "Lucky Jim" recommendation, in fact almost anything by Kingsley Amis is laugh out loud funny.

[Alex Fayle]

When I ran my own business as a professional organizer, I used to get those pangs of jealously, envy and competitiveness whenever I heard of an organizer in my area getting some TV coverage as being a media expert was one of my goals.

But then I would do the same as you Gretchen - I'd write the person or call them and congratulate them. We'd then talk about the experience and we'd both learn something.

Plus in the relatively new field of organizing, any coverage for one organizer is great for all organizers.

Sometimes, it took a lot of effort to send that email, but I always felt better for it afterwards.

Cheers,
Alex (who is back reading/commenting after a summer away from blog reading - good to be back!)

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm writing down every one of these suggestions. I read Martin Amis a long time ago but clearly need to go back. I love Hornby! (if you're a big reader, don't miss POLYSLLABIC SPREED). I need to give Sedaris another try. And those others, too...And I want to read more Mark Twain. I forget that he's out there.

Thanks for these!

[Broady]

His book was referenced in the new issue of Newsweek.

[Andrea Hess]

Great post. Whenever those little gremlins of dissatisfaction come up, I like to send whoever I'm unnerved by a blessing. Specifically, I visualize sending them a ball of white light full of wishes of success and abundance. It's quicker than a phone call sometimes (although I love that idea)and it shifts our energy completely. And we also receive the benefits of our blessing, just like the recipient does.

Blessings,
Andrea

[sylrayj]

Someone told me about a concept, lobsters in a bucket. The top of the bucket is open, but the lobsters don't get out. Every one of them is trying to climb over his buddy to reach freedom, and thus drags down those that are making headway.

However, in a marathon, people will encourage one another and themselves to keep going, and as a team we can cross the finish line. Our efforts have helped not just ourselves, but those around us.

Thank you, Gretchen, for pointing out the marathon route to us! We'll all make better progress now!

[Karen]

I haven't read it yet, but a book by Crazy Aunt Purl (Laurie Perry) is getting snatched off the shelves and everyone that comments on her blog says it makes them both laugh and cry.

It's "Drunk, Divorced and Covered in Cat Hair". Available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, etc.

I'm pretty sure I first heard about her from one of your blogs.

I've started my own happiness project and have actually written down a symbol, some commandments, some guidelines, etc.

One that seems simple but really helps get my day started is "wash the dishes before you go to bed." (I don't have a dishwasher).

Thank you for your inspirations.

[Jennifer]

Excellent point! And, you know, I think with writing, your first rule ("Be Gretchen" or in my case "Be Jennifer") is helpful with the professional jealousy because there really is only one Gretchen way of writing, or one Jennifer way of writing.

I really loved Jincy Willett's book of short stories, Jenny and the Jaws of Life. It's a bit dark, but it's the sort of book that makes me bummed out that there is just one Jincy Willett way of writing.

[Kathleen]

Funny thing-- I read that article from Newsweek this morning when I saw it on msnbc.com and it immediately made me think of you!

[Michael Melcher]

Laugh out loud: "A Year in Van Nuys," by Sandra Tsing Loh.
"Little Stalker" by Jennifer Belle
"None of Your Business" by Valerie Bloch
(first one is sort of a memoir, second two are novels)

[Gretchen Rubin]

I agreee -- Sandra Tsing Loh's description of the convoluted working of her mother-in-law's mind had me choking with laughter. "Then that gal..."

[Catherine]

Anything by Tim Dorsey or Carl Hiaasen - they make me cry on airplanes like Deanna.

[Catburke]

I've never commented before, but I love your blog! You somehow create higher aspirations within me, so thank you!

My favorite laugh out loud book is still the Calvin and Hobbes cartoons I got several books of in college. They always make me laugh out loud, still! And I just went in and requested A.J. Jacobs from the library, will go back for more from your comments later.

Keep up the good work!

[Molly]

Did you hear A.J. Jacobs' interview on Fresh Air (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15059342)? He was really funny and interesting. I'm looking forward to reading his book.

[Glen Hubbell]

Hi Gretchen

Interesting site. A link has been added to Western Trails which is my happiness project

Glen

[Iggy]

Badly need your help. Exercise ferments the humors, casts them into their proper channels, throws off redundancies, and helps nature in those secret distributions, without which the body cannot subsist in its vigor, nor the soul act with cheerfulness.
I am from Timor and learning to speak English, give please true I wrote the following sentence: "Start from the basics and master advanced strategies in blackjack, slots, video poker, roulette."

Thank you so much for your future answers 8). Iggy.